singer24 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I'm just feeling down lately and need some type of advice or something. I am 24 and ended a 4.5 year relationship last July. He broke up with me, but I think it was due to the way I was acting. I had just felt really disconnected for maybe the last 8 months of our relationship, and i also felt very distracted (crushing on another guy, although i never physically cheated, but i guess emotionally i did). Thing is the first few years of our relationship were amazing in terms of the communication and on an emotional level. He was truly my best friend and I definitely considered him family. We met when I had just turned 19 and he was 22. I moved out very young and had no friends in the city. I was extremely lonely and when he came into my life, i felt like he just lifted my spirit and sort of "took me in" so to speak. I was very close with his family and friends. Thing is I think i was feeling so disconnected in the end because our sex life wasn't so great. We'd sometimes go almost 1 month without doing it, and even when we did it just always felt like a chore. I was young when I met him and he was the first guy I loved and also who loved me so i think the reason we lasted so long was because of the friendship we had. After we broke up, we continued to see each other until December. We would see each other, even have sex sometimes, but it just didn't feel the same and although we felt comfortable together still there was still this hurt lurking inside the both of us. I was very confused about everything because we would still tell each other we loved one another and I believe we did because it's hard to not love someone who you know is a good person and you get along with, but I think the physical chemistry was just lacking too much and that was what was most frustrating. Well finally in December after being broken up since July (5 months) and basically just stagnating (not together anymore but still seeing each other - all the while we were having flings with other people too, I even slept with someone else during that period) I decided I was just too screwed up emotionally and mentally exhausted from the whole thing so I went no contact. About 2 weeks into the no contact I ran into this old friend (guy) at a party who I hadn't seen or spoken to in years. Well he asked me out, I accepted, and things went amazingly well. Then we started seeing each other more and more, became official, and I realized I was in love with him and him with me (I actually used to have a crush on him years and years ago before meeting my ex, so it wasn't a surprise to me that I fell for him so deep now). I am so happy with him and we have been going strong, the physical chemistry is incredible and we get along amazing. Thing is, I struggle sometimes with my emotions. I know that I am IN LOVE with my new boyfriend completely. I know he is not a rebound, because i've never felt so perfect with anyone else, not even my ex. BUT, I still struggle with feelings ...like guilt. For one, I don't know why, but i constantly find myself (mostly when alone) feeling guilty about being in a serious relationship this soon after doing NC (I mean it was only 2 weeks in that I met someone else). I also worry that my ex isn't ok emotionally, I just keep thinking that he's hurting and there is nothing I can do about it and it hurts me. Also, I feel like I am struggling a bit with this NC thing. I think because he has tried to text me and asked me to go have coffee or whatever (because now it's been almost 4 months that I've been with my new bf and haven't seen my ex) but I just don't feel like it's a good idea because: 1) My new bf wouldn't like it and it would cause problems for no reason. 2) I know for a fact my ex isn't over me (well so Ive heard) so it would make me really uncomfortable to see him. That being said, I sometimes do miss him. Friendship wise. It's weird. I don't really know why because I do feel like i can confide in my new bf and tell him everything and also we have the physical chemistry that I never had with my ex. I guess i just have a hard time getting over the fact that at one point when i had no one my ex was the ONLY person there and I really felt so close to him. Also it's just weird for me that my whole life has changed and I don't see his family or friends anymore that i was so close to. I guess the problem was in that relationship i was so wrapped up in his life that when it ended i really felt like my whole life stopped. It was the worst time of my life. Now it's just frustrating because I feel like I'm finally back to normal with my new bf, i love him so much, we are talking about our future together and it doens't scare me and i can't see myself with anyone else but him. I guess i'm still just hurting from the past. It sucks because i can't tell my new bf about it because I know he will take it the wrong way and think i still have feelings for my ex because he has the mindframe that once it's over you move on and if you truly love someone you wouldn't be thinking of your ex. Maybe he's right...? It's just to me, I"ve never been more sure about loving someone in my life, but i guess i'm just a sensitive person and im not the type that can just forget about someone so easily when at one point i cared a lot about them. I just feel sad sometimes because when with my new bf i feel sooooo in love, it's just when im alone sometimes that the past creeps up on me. I also just feel this enormous amount of guilt that I wasn't as good as I could have been to my ex especially the last 8 months because I had a crush on someone else and even told all my friends about it and now when i look back on it,it sickens me. I somehow feel like i don't deserve to move on and be happy with someone new until he is completely over me and with someone that he loves, because at least then ill know that he is happy and it will give me some peace of mind that he is ok. Is this weird???????? Just any form of advice to help me get over this so I can move on completely would be great. I know i'm almost there because it's getting better but I just feel like it's crazy that after this much time I'm still emotionally shot from it. Thanks in advance and PLEASE don't tell me that I rushed into a new relationship too soon because I know 150% i am in love and it's not a rebound.
Author singer24 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 oh and just to add one more thing, I just want to say that when I am hanging out with my new bf, i am perfectly fine and won't think about any of this. It's only while alone...maybe i just think too much.
brokendreamz Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 you sound like my ex - a lovely person who never wanted to hurt anyone. I think what you're going through is natural, I would say that if you're worried about how he feels then have a final conversation with him. For me, finding out my ex has another guy would hurt immensely - I'm really not looking forward to that day, but at the same time I would know it's the end of the line for sure so my healing could truly begin. You sound like a decent person. Try not to beat yourself up about this situation. All the best :0)
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