ConfusedCarolina Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I don't believe you can truly love someone in under 2 months of dating. It's been around 6 weeks now. To me ILY is HUGE. I have never said it to anyone - ever (sans some guy in high school when I was 14). Things are certainly going very well but I still need time. You could tell him that you love him but you're not in love with him yet which just means that you love being around him & love everything you know about him so far.
Nexus One Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 (edited) You could tell him that you love him but you're not in love with him yet which just means that you love being around him & love everything you know about him so far. If someone would say that to me I would get the exact opposite idea that you're trying to convey. When someone says: "I'm in love with you", then I interpret that as that she has a crush on me or is infatuated with me or whatever you want to call that state of mind/being. When someone says: "I love you", then I interpret that as her crush/infatuation having developed into something further than just a crush/infatuation. That's the point where a relationship tends to become long term. Or am I totally off here in terms of interpretation? Edited April 16, 2011 by Nexus One
Kamille Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 If someone would say that to me I would get the exact opposite idea that you're trying to convey. When someone says: "I'm in love with you", then I interpret that as that she has a crush on me or is infatuated with me or whatever you want to call that state of mind/being. When someone says: "I love you.", then I interpret that as her crush/infatuation having developed into something further than just a crush/infatuation. That's the point where a relationship could become long term. Or am I totally off here in terms of interpretation? I would interpret it the same way as you Nexus. I think, however, that ES should just wait to see how he acts and how she feels before engaging him in any conversations. If he starts saying ILY and it makes her uncomfortable, then she'll have to find a way to address the issue. As things are now, I don't see the point in stirring the pot.
zengirl Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 It took me close to three months to say ILY to my dog, does that say something about me? Some people are just not comfortable with being openly affectionate, if ES is one of them all the more terrible why she would joke about it. I understand. Until I taught Kindergarten, the words ILY were desperately scary to me in any context. When a friend said it, I'd feel awkward. Even when family members said it, because it was pretty rare. And hugs? Oh, I used to never give hugs and feel they were the weirdest thing ever. Romantic affection? I was always into it. But just hugs? So weird! So, definitely, I get it, as I've lived it. But I never joked about love then, as it was scary to me. I would take the joke to mean ES at least wants to be more open and effusive with her feelings (subconsciously at least). Why else make a joke like that? It's the back and forth that's an issue. I don't think non-affectionate people are really bad, if they are comfortable with their level of non-affection and true to who they are. It's the desire to be affectionate but not being that way because of FEAR that causes unhappiness for both someone and their partner. My 2 cents. YMMV. If someone would say that to me I would get the exact opposite idea that you're trying to convey. When someone says: "I'm in love with you", then I interpret that as that she has a crush on me or is infatuated with me or whatever you want to call that state of mind/being. When someone says: "I love you", then I interpret that as her crush/infatuation having developed into something further than just a crush/infatuation. That's the point where a relationship tends to become long term. Or am I totally off here in terms of interpretation? I think the difference between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you" is both kind of a modern-day cop-out. However, I agree that "I love you" is a more powerful statement. Actually, the concept of "in love" as being somehow different is both laughable and lame to me because of the tendency nowadays to see love as a noun, as some crazy thing that happens to us. Isn't it so much better when it's a verb, a choice we make? At any rate, I think going into some detailed explanation about the potential degrees of love for someone would cause needless dissonance in the relationship. It's one thing to say, "I'm not typically an affectionate person, so I might be a little slow at this, but I hope it won't hurt you" and making the other person aware of some personal issues a person might still have to work through or specific personality traits they don't want to be mistaken for lack of love, affection, or commitment. It's another to go into the various degrees of how much you do or don't love a person or whatnot. I'd see that as jerking me around.
welikeincrowds Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I would interpret it the same way as you Nexus. I think, however, that ES should just wait to see how he acts and how she feels before engaging him in any conversations. If he starts saying ILY and it makes her uncomfortable, then she'll have to find a way to address the issue. As things are now, I don't see the point in stirring the pot. I don't know, this is ES we're talking about. She's going to be anxious about everything this guy does now, what it says about his true feelings for her. Which, I mean, is what she usually does, but, which is the worse of the two evils? Potentially sabotaging the relationship because she can't express her feelings, or potentially sabotaging the relationship because she can't express her feelings? ****, this is a mess. But in the spirit of your advice, it really doesn't have to be, it really doesn't.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 You could tell him that you love him but you're not in love with him yet which just means that you love being around him & love everything you know about him so far. Actually, people usually say that to someone if they are thinking about breaking up with them. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Is actually word for word what one of my boyfriend's ex's said to him to break up with him.
Nexus One Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 (edited) I understand. Until I taught Kindergarten, the words ILY were desperately scary to me in any context. When a friend said it, I'd feel awkward. Even when family members said it, because it was pretty rare. And hugs? Oh, I used to never give hugs and feel they were the weirdest thing ever. Romantic affection? I was always into it. But just hugs? So weird! So, definitely, I get it, as I've lived it. But I never joked about love then, as it was scary to me. I would take the joke to mean ES at least wants to be more open and effusive with her feelings (subconsciously at least). Why else make a joke like that? It's the back and forth that's an issue. I don't think non-affectionate people are really bad, if they are comfortable with their level of non-affection and true to who they are. It's the desire to be affectionate but not being that way because of FEAR that causes unhappiness for both someone and their partner. My 2 cents. YMMV. I think the difference between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you" is both kind of a modern-day cop-out. However, I agree that "I love you" is a more powerful statement. Actually, the concept of "in love" as being somehow different is both laughable and lame to me because of the tendency nowadays to see love as a noun, as some crazy thing that happens to us. Isn't it so much better when it's a verb, a choice we make? At any rate, I think going into some detailed explanation about the potential degrees of love for someone would cause needless dissonance in the relationship. It's one thing to say, "I'm not typically an affectionate person, so I might be a little slow at this, but I hope it won't hurt you" and making the other person aware of some personal issues a person might still have to work through or specific personality traits they don't want to be mistaken for lack of love, affection, or commitment. It's another to go into the various degrees of how much you do or don't love a person or whatnot. I'd see that as jerking me around. Personally I don't think the difference between "I'm in love with you" and "I love you" has anything to do with copping out or jerking people around. The issue with "I'm in love with you" is that it's an ambiguous statement, because some people interpret it as the state of a crush/infatuation and others associate it with "I love you". So in my opinion this is an ambiguity in the English language that is often not present in other languages. However, the same ambiguity is present in French and since English has its roots in French it's kind of understandable, but German for example does not know that ambiguity due to a different cultural interpretation. French: Je suis en amour avec toi. (I am in love with you; same ambiguity) French: Je t'aime. (I love you; 'aime' is a verb derived from the noun 'amour') So French knows the same ambiguity. But German: German: Ich bin in dich verliebt. (I am in love with you; Germans do not interpret this as "I love you".) German: Ich liebe dich. (I love you; Interestingly enough 'verliebt' and 'liebe' are related words, but due to the cultural interpretation Germans would not mix up those two states of mind/being.) So in my opinion this issue of ambiguity has both lingual and cultural roots. Something that further complicates this is that both states are not mutually exclusive. Edited April 16, 2011 by Nexus One
WellLetsSee Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Honestly, I am surprised how many people here suggest to you to just go along with it. I mean regardless what others believe how BIG or SMALL ILY is, and regardless if others think if you should or should not LOVE him yet, it seems to me that you are bothered with the fact that he thinks that you said ILY in a serious way, which you did not. Did I get you right? I am guessing this does not meet your need for authenticity and honesty? So do I get you right if the real issue for you is, how to meet your need for authenticity and honesty along with your desire to contribute to the well-being of your bf and make the relationship work? I am wondering if I grasped well what is troubling you or not? Would love to read more from you.
WellLetsSee Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 (edited) However, the same ambiguity is present in French and since English has its roots in French it's kind of understandable, but German for example does not know that ambiguity due to a different cultural interpretation. This is not true. German and English are both part of the germanic languages and they originate from Old Germanic. French in contrast is part of the romanic language family (along with Italian, Spanish, Portuguese (or however this is spelled). So German and English are much closer related than English with French. Both the Germanic Languages as well as the Romanic languages are part of a greater group of languages that are called Indo-European languages. But thats just a minor point (I couldnt let it slip since one of my minors at uni actually was Indo-European Languages) - I really like how you analyse the connotations of the different meanings. I find that very interesting and enlightening. Edited April 16, 2011 by WellLetsSee
Nexus One Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 This is not true. German and English are both part of the germanic languages and they originate from Old Germanic. French in contrast is part of the romanic language family (along with Italian, Spanish, Portuguese (or however this is spelled). So German and English are much closer related than English with French. Both the Germanic Languages as well as the Romanic languages are part of a greater group of languages that are called Indo-European languages. But thats just a minor point (I couldnt let it slip since one of my minors at uni actually was Indo-European Languages) - I really like how you analyse the connotations of the different meanings. I find that very interesting and enlightening. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_language#French_origins
xpaperxcutx Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I understand. Until I taught Kindergarten, the words ILY were desperately scary to me in any context. When a friend said it, I'd feel awkward. Even when family members said it, because it was pretty rare. And hugs? Oh, I used to never give hugs and feel they were the weirdest thing ever. Romantic affection? I was always into it. But just hugs? So weird! So, definitely, I get it, as I've lived it. But I never joked about love then, as it was scary to me. I would take the joke to mean ES at least wants to be more open and effusive with her feelings (subconsciously at least). Why else make a joke like that? It's the back and forth that's an issue. I don't think non-affectionate people are really bad, if they are comfortable with their level of non-affection and true to who they are. It's the desire to be affectionate but not being that way because of FEAR that causes unhappiness for both someone and their partner. My 2 cents. YMMV. . Unfortunately, from my understanding of ES, I'm already aware that she requires constant reaffirmation that a man is " in love" with her more than she does him. So if this had been a joke, it is, I agree, a poorly executed one. Hence, I'm going to assume this is a subconscience ploy of hers to " test" her SO. ES, the important question I really want to ask is whether you see yourself " loving" your bf in the near future? You're always searching for confirmation that you're wanted, however you don't seem to have the same courtesy to respond in kind when others ask. If you're incapable of falling in love or at least seeing yourself in love in the future, what is purpose of being in a relationship in the first place? Like someone had mentioned in a previous post, are you in a relationship for it's sake or are you simply in one for validation?
WellLetsSee Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_language#French_origins Ah ok, I see what you mean now - this is about some vocabulary in the English language. This is absolutely true. The British have been loaning words from the french a lot in the past. The Germans too by the way - French used to be quite a fashionable language in the old days in Europe. I am wondering if even the expression "I am in love with you/Je suis en amour avec toi" has been loaned from one language to another in those days. I mean since french really used to be the fancy language some centuries ago I can very well imagine that some Englishmen preferred saying "I am in love with you" in analogy from what they knew in French instead of saying a crued and simple "I love you". You know in a way of trying to appear more noble and impress the ladys .
Nexus One Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Granted though, English is a mix of multiple languages, but the largest influence on the vocabulary has been French, even though English is a Germanic language. I would say the Germanic part is mostly noticeable in the grammar and the French part is mostly noticeable in the vocabulary. http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Origins_of_English_PieChart.svg
xpaperxcutx Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Guys I appreciate the little language 101 we have here, but we're clearly doing ES a disservice by derailing her thread.
Nexus One Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Guys I appreciate the little language 101 we have here, but we're clearly doing ES a disservice by derailing her thread. Yeah, sorry about that.
carhill Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Should I set him straight or leave it? Leave it. Talk about relationship dynamics face to face. When you're ready to say you love someone to their face, you'll do it. Not doing it doesn't make you a bad person, though perhaps incompatible with another's emotional and 'love' style. It is what it is. Hope it works out
TheLoneSock Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Lol what an eternally ridiculous problem to have. Facebook truly does mess with people's lives. It's baffling how much some girls analyze, re-analyze and over-analyze literally everything. I am taking note of this big time.
Nexus One Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 It's baffling how much some girls analyze, re-analyze and over-analyze literally everything. I am taking note of this big time. I'm willing to bet there is a whole world out there in the minds of women that men have no idea about even existing.
Kamille Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 If you're going to take notes on the minds of women, may I suggest you ensure your survey is scientific by also including those of us who don't overanalyze everything? Great, thx.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 (edited) I might have said it but I didn't mean it like that. It was a silly joke. Like the first serious time I would tell anyone that I loved them would be through a public FB status comment. There is still time to set him straight without hurting him, you cant let him think you love him. Or else you will continue to get turned off by him doing all the cutesy talk. Tell him you made a mistake with the comment, you dont love him yet, because its too soon, and you are letting nature take its course to get to that point. have this sit down with him before he gets completely attached to you in the wrong way. Give him a chance to make the realization so you two can get back on the same page. He will understand, if he doesnt, theres a red flag. It will be awkward, but youre a grown adult, you can handle a lil bit of awkwardness. Edited April 16, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
oaks Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Guys I appreciate the little language 101 we have here, but we're clearly doing ES a disservice by derailing her thread. I think there's some good advice in the first couple of pages ("Tell him" and "don't tell him"), and now that we're 4 pages deep I think we're safe. On past behaviour ES doesn't revisit threads much anyway, just starts new ones.
TheLoneSock Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 If you're going to take notes on the minds of women, may I suggest you ensure your survey is scientific by also including those of us who don't overanalyze everything? Great, thx. Right. That's why I said some women. Great, thx.
Nexus One Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 If you're going to take notes on the minds of women, may I suggest you ensure your survey is scientific by also including those of us who don't overanalyze everything? Great, thx. Touché Kamille, it has been duly noted.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 And yea, I agree with the people who say that you weren't joking. I remember dating a guy once who said he was joking to try to take back everything he asked me that he thought I'd say no to. Examples: Him: Let's hold hands . . . . . just joking. Me: *grabs his hand* No, it's fine and I know you were not joking. Him: Yea, you're right. Him: *laughter* I paid for your dinner, so now that means its time to go back to my place and have sex. Me: *glares* Him: I WAS JOKING. Him: Hahaha. It's the end of the night, we should kiss. *second thoughts* Wait, I was joking. Me: No, I had a good time. I agree. Him: *kisses me* LOL. He kept doing that with things to try to cover it up. It was ridiculous and unconvincing. I think you meant it, but now that you got the answer you wanted, you are having second thoughts and think that pretending you were joking can fix the whole thing when it actually can lead to you destroying the relationship. The way to keep this guy is to not make him feel miserable for having feelings for you. That's how you get rid of him. He'll find someone else who can take his feelings and reciprocate them back.
elaina Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 (And tell your bf you would rather he be alive to cuddle up with you than die trying to impress you at a marathon). Agreed Eternal Sunshine, you know, you could tell him next time you talk in person, something like this?: "When I wrote 'I love money oops... you" I was trying to be funny. I do really care for you and you are really special to me, but I feel it's too soon for me personally to know if I love you yet. You're not mad, yeah? You know I really care for you!?" and then give a sweet smile and long affectionate kiss and gaze into his eyes so he knows that you do care and aren't just messing with his head. Then change the subject to something fun! Most guys wouldn't have a problem with any of the above, right? Use some of that feminine charm... it works wonders on many men!
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