Eternal Sunshine Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 So my bf is great and all but I am not ready to say ILY yet. Yesterday, he posts a status update on his FB along the lines "I just won 5000000000 from Microsoft". Few people replied and I decided to comment "I love money..ooops I mean you :)" I just meant it as a joke and not to be taken seriously. He immediately "liked" my comment. An hour later he called me and said "BTW I love you too". His voice was dead serious so I don't think he was joking. He also said that he didn't feel this strongly about a girl in forever. The thing is, I didn't really say ILY but he thinks I did. I was just silent on the phone. Should I set him straight or leave it?
Star Gazer Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I decided to comment "I love money..ooops I mean you :)" The thing is, I didn't really say ILY but he thinks I did. Actually, ES... you really did say ILY.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 You already did it, so just keep going with it. It's not like he had a bad reaction to it or anything. It's really not that big of deal to speak affectionately towards someone you care about it. It's better to be saying it than for the person to leave you and never know you felt that way at all because you were scared. It doesn't mean you're automatically going to be together exclusively for life, it just means you guys have feelings for one another. And if you don't have feelings for him, then why are you with him?
nothappyjan Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I'd leave it, but not bring it up again until you really feel it. Some people may disagree but it's going to be awful for him if u tell him the truth especially since he told you
leftfordead2 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 So my bf is great and all but I am not ready to say ILY yet. Yesterday, he posts a status update on his FB along the lines "I just won 5000000000 from Microsoft". Few people replied and I decided to comment "I love money..ooops I mean you " I just meant it as a joke and not to be taken seriously. He immediately "liked" my comment. An hour later he called me and said "BTW I love you too". His voice was dead serious so I don't think he was joking. He also said that he didn't feel this strongly about a girl in forever. The thing is, I didn't really say ILY but he thinks I did. I was just silent on the phone. Should I set him straight or leave it? I got a question for you. Are you being with him for the sake of just having a boyfriend and to get validation from him or are you being with him with because you truly love him? From your posts, it sounds more like the former. You want to set him straight about what? I don't love you but I'm with you cause I need external validation to feel good about myself?
oaks Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Do you think you might be close to saying ILY and mean it? If so, perhaps just treat it as "he said it first". If you don't feel that way about him at all then there's been a misunderstanding that will only get worse if you don't talk and explain.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 I got a question for you. Are you being with him for the sake of just having a boyfriend and to get validation from him or are you being with him with because you truly love him? From your posts, it sounds more like the former. You want to set him straight about what? I don't love you but I'm with you cause I need external validation to feel good about myself? I don't believe you can truly love someone in under 2 months of dating. It's been around 6 weeks now. To me ILY is HUGE. I have never said it to anyone - ever (sans some guy in high school when I was 14). Things are certainly going very well but I still need time.
Ginger Beer Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Actually, ES... you really did say ILY. Agreed.....
Feelin Frisky Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Unless you're sure you DON'T love him just leave it. If the day comes where you break up and he says what about that time, then you can straighten him out.
Alma Mobley Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Actually, ES... you really did say ILY. Agreed..... Agreed. You said it.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 Agreed. You said it. I might have said it but I didn't mean it like that. It was a silly joke. Like the first serious time I would tell anyone that I loved them would be through a public FB status comment.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 16, 2011 Author Posted April 16, 2011 I am kind of worried about him. He is running a marathon tomorrow (his first ever) and due to meeting me, he hasn't really trained properly. He didn't tell me that of course - but I know for a fact that he has skipped training to be with me many times. He has also been over-doing the training this week to make up for lost time (bad idea). I am going to cheer him on tomorrow and he is pretty stubborn so I know he will push himself beyond his limits. I just hope he doesn't hurt himself I have just sent him a message not to overdo it and to stop if he is feeling sick. He responded with "I am going to finish it for you my darling" AGH.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I don't believe you can truly love someone in under 2 months of dating. It's been around 6 weeks now. To me ILY is HUGE. I have never said it to anyone - ever (sans some guy in high school when I was 14). Things are certainly going very well but I still need time. Do you have sex with him? Because this is the thing I don't get. People hop into bed with others very quickly, even though trusting someone not to give you an STD or leave when you get pregnant is a lot of trust to be putting in someone so quickly and a lot to give up if the worst happens, but . . . People are terrified to say,"I actually care and would probably cry if we broke up" because that's what "I love you" means. It just means you have an attachment to someone. It doesn't mean "I love you forever" or even "I love you tomorrow" or "You're my soul mate." All it means is that you care and telling others that we care about them shouldn't be the thing that we are most hesitant to do.
utterer of lies Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 It doesn't mean "I love you forever" or even "I love you tomorrow" or "You're my soul mate." All it means is that you care and telling others that we care about them shouldn't be the thing that we are most hesitant to do. But understanding this would mean...less drama. I'm not sure she could cope with that.
Ross MwcFan Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I think you should set him straight. Just have talk with him and explain what happened like you did here. I totally disagree with just going along with it.
Ross MwcFan Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 You already did it, so just keep going with it. It's not like he had a bad reaction to it or anything. It's really not that big of deal to speak affectionately towards someone you care about it. It's better to be saying it than for the person to leave you and never know you felt that way at all because you were scared. It doesn't mean you're automatically going to be together exclusively for life, it just means you guys have feelings for one another. And if you don't have feelings for him, then why are you with him? Don't you think it's a bad idea to just let him think you love him and to just go along with it, if you don't really feel that way? Just doesn't seem right to me.
jerbear Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Go along with it. You already let it out jokingly. If you straighten him out it would confuse him.
Kamille Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 ES, are you unsure you'll ever be capable to feel that way about him? That's the only way this could ever become an issue. I get the impression you might be panicking about this because it makes you feel like you gave some of your power away. Am I right in guessing one of the ways you feel safe in this relationship is by being just a bit less attached than he is? That in order to feel safe, you need to keep at an emotional distance? If that's the case, just know this: at one point, gently, you'll need to let that wall down.
Nexus One Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 (edited) I am kind of worried about him. He is running a marathon tomorrow (his first ever) and due to meeting me, he hasn't really trained properly. He didn't tell me that of course - but I know for a fact that he has skipped training to be with me many times. He has also been over-doing the training this week to make up for lost time (bad idea). I am going to cheer him on tomorrow and he is pretty stubborn so I know he will push himself beyond his limits. I just hope he doesn't hurt himself I have just sent him a message not to overdo it and to stop if he is feeling sick. He responded with "I am going to finish it for you my darling" AGH. When I was 17 I partook in a marathon in which 2 people died. They both didn't train for the marathon and tried to finish it cold turkey. They died just after finishing in the midst of all the runners and masses of audience. It was a very dramatic scene with the paramedics trying to revive them on the spot. Partaking in a marathon without training is very dangerous, people can severely underestimate the amount of effort and fitness it takes to finish a marathon safely. Also, the hotter the outside temperature, the higher the risk is during these events. That being said, I agree that you actually did say that you love him. You saying that it was a joke is lost in "translation", because you cannot transfer the intonation of your voice over text communication via Facebook. And even if he could have heard you say it, then guys probably wouldn't get the subtlety of it anyway, because let's face it, you just don't expect someone to joke about something like that. Edited April 16, 2011 by Nexus One
Star Gazer Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I am kind of worried about him. He is running a marathon tomorrow (his first ever) and due to meeting me, he hasn't really trained properly. He didn't tell me that of course - but I know for a fact that he has skipped training to be with me many times. He has also been over-doing the training this week to make up for lost time (bad idea). I am going to cheer him on tomorrow and he is pretty stubborn so I know he will push himself beyond his limits. I just hope he doesn't hurt himself I have just sent him a message not to overdo it and to stop if he is feeling sick. He responded with "I am going to finish it for you my darling" AGH. The bolder above combined with telling you he loves you after only 6 weeks is a sign of a desperate man, IMO.
zengirl Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I don't believe you can truly love someone in under 2 months of dating. It's been around 6 weeks now. To me ILY is HUGE. I have never said it to anyone - ever (sans some guy in high school when I was 14). Things are certainly going very well but I still need time. Man, people make such a big thing of ILY in relationships. I tell random strangers dogs I love them, but it's somehow odd if I tell a man I'm sleeping with I love him if I haven't been with him for a significant time? We use all sorts of phrases around it: "I care about you." "I think I love you." (love is just thoughts!) Whatever. It really isn't that big of a deal and making it some sort of Holy Grail just hurts relationships. Most of the guys I've dated (boyfriends, I mean), I loved. If I didn't love them and feel affectionately towards them as people, we wouldn't have dated! I mean, little kids say ILY to everyone, and it's glorious! Why do we lose that? I was just thinking of it because I'm not really a gushy ILY person (except with kids and animals) but a new friend of mine said (in a totally nonromantic way) the other day ILY. She is just a huggy, gushy person. Didn't think anything of it. Seems like it'd be nice just to recognize that we can love our fellow human beings without making it some giant mountain. If I can say I "love" diet Dr. Pepper, I can certainly say I love a man I'm sleeping with, sharing my hopes and fears with, cuddling with, spending a good deal of my time with, etc. So, I get what you're saying in terms of "not emotionally being there yet" but maybe, make it something that broadens your idea of love (after all "love" is a verb --- do you care about this guy and plan to demonstrate that affection and devotion?; if so, I'd say that's "love"), rather than something that somehow hinders your relationship because you freak out about it. Saying ILY doesn't glue you to anything. It just opens up the relationship to being abundant in caring and emotional partnership without all the scary blocks. Now, this is out of the way. And if later, you don't feel what you want to feel at any given stage, you can express that, but if you're happy now, just BE HAPPY. Heck, just BE.
Jazzari Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 The bolder above combined with telling you he loves you after only 6 weeks is a sign of a desperate man, IMO. Or it simply means he is really in love. Sometimes it builds slowly and sometimes you just know its right from day one. I wouldn't be too quick to judge him. As for what the OP should do....the man is going to continue saying ILY. If she can't say it back, then he's going to figure out something is wrong. I think its cruel to leave a person guessing like that. Better to hurt someone in one clean swipe then go through the long term pain of being continually rejected every time he says something affectionate.
Survivor12 Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 I think there's a lot to be learned about yourself (and the relationship) if you could be totally honest about why you added the "btw, I love you, too". I know that you say it was a "joke", but where's the humor in telling a guy who you are dating that you love him--whether you do or not? The truth is you didn't say it to be funny or to make him laugh. Also, it wasn't as if it just "slipped out" in conversation...it took time to type it and send it...if you didn't "intend" to "say" it, you could have deleted and edited. So what's the REAL reason you said it?
Kamille Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 You know, I want to change my first post. Here is what I should have said: *teasing tone like that of a 10 year old* ES' in love, L-O-V-E! She's in love! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes ES with a baby carriage. Come on ES, have fun! Enjoy this! (And tell your bf you would rather he be alive to cuddle up with you than die trying to impress you at a marathon).
xpaperxcutx Posted April 16, 2011 Posted April 16, 2011 Man, people make such a big thing of ILY in relationships. I tell random strangers dogs I love them, but it's somehow odd if I tell a man I'm sleeping with I love him if I haven't been with him for a significant time? It took me close to three months to say ILY to my dog, does that say something about me? Some people are just not comfortable with being openly affectionate, if ES is one of them all the more terrible why she would joke about it.
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