Red Arremer Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Hey guys and gals, a friend told me about this site last week and how it's helped her with some things she's going through so I figured I'd give it a shot too. I'm posting under a username that isn't associated with anything else I do online in case there are prying eyes from some other corner of the Internets. (It's also a video game reference, in case this insight into my personality is important, lol.) Potential TMI in this post, but that's the beautiful nature of anonymity on the internet, no? So I've never really been what you would call good with women, I'm 29 right now and have never had a girlfriend, I'd never kissed anyone until I was 25 and I didn't lose my virginity until even a year after that. I've also got pretty bad social anxiety, it isn't nearly as bad now as it used to be growing up but it still keeps me from being able to go out and be a social butterfly, especially when it comes to dating. Partially because of the social anxiety and partially because I was married to my old job, I'm on about a two-year dry spell right now. It never really bugged me that much when I was bogged down with work because I was so busy and stressed out all the time that I never really even thought about sex, but now that I'm in a job that gives me a tad more free time it seems like all of those two years of sexual frustration is sort of hitting me all at once. I almost feel like it's even worse now than it was when I was still a virgin, because at least when I was a virgin I didn't know what I was missing. I wouldn't go so far as to say this consumes me, but I think about all the experience everyone else has that I've missed out on and am missing out on and, well, it comes damn close. So anyhow, as you can imagine this is kind of a problem when I'm looking for dates. I date pretty much exclusively online these days because I feel like it's pretty much the only thing I'm comfortable doing with my social anxiety. When I do interest-focused stuff it's always easier for me to just completely focus on the activity and zone out everyone else who's there, and bars/clubs/parties are pretty much right out (even though they're probably my best bet for a problem like this, but I digress). I started online dating again a month or so ago, and while I started out looking for interesting people I could possibly connect with, the sexual frustration has taken over and pretty much my first and only criteria in deciding who I message now are "is this woman at least passably attractive (I'm also noticing this part is starting to go away the longer it goes), and do I think she would sleep with me?" Naturally this is going to push away just about everyone I would have a chance of connecting with, that is if I don't push them away first for not appearing to be easy enough. The thing is though, I don't know what to do about this. Manual release would seem to be a viable strategy, but it's to the point now where masturbation has basically no effect on my sex drive whatsoever, I pretty much want sex all the time regardless. I'd add more here but I don't know what else to say really, I'm just really frustrated at all this (in more ways than one, apparently!). Any ideas? Medical history, in case it helps: I am currently on Paxil for anxiety/panic disorder (mostly related to the stress from my last job) and Wellbutrin for the weight gain from the Paxil. I've also been to therapy off and on for social anxiety for as long as I can remember but it's never really done anything.
Author Red Arremer Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 So, I kind of hate to bump my own thread but I'm still racking my brain over this. I can't help but feel like this wouldn't be nearly as much of an issue if I was hotter. I consider myself somewhat above average in the looks department, but I'm definitely not a 9 or a 10. Sigh...
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Wish I could give you some concrete advice but unfortunately you are way more experienced than I am, so it would be like the blind leading the blind so to speak. Anyway, good luck.
somedude81 Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 How do I deal with it? Porn and fantasies. There are many frustrated men on loveshack. You'll fit right in.
Author Red Arremer Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 The same way they do it in the Catholic Church. Either consume large amounts of porn, or use the services of a prostitute. The red district in Holland can help you out. This would be great, if I was anywhere even remotely close to Holland.
Kelemort Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 You're all great for advice. Bahaha. But really, that's about it with sexual frustration. You're shooting yourself in the foot by letting these urges control you while you're trying to date. Do you think most of the folks here are 10s? I'd wager most people are in the 4 - 7 average range, and there's nothing wrong with that. Not only hot people fall in love, get married and have families. Stop using your looks, whatever they may be, as an excuse. Looks matter, don't get me wrong - but when it comes down to it, I wasn't all that physically attracted to my current boyfriend when we first met. He was interesting and funny, though, and as I got to know him, I started finding myself saying, "Am I crazy? This guy's hot!" I'd imagine women are less discriminating about looks on average than men are, so you have the advantage there. The next thing is that by keeping the dating strictly online, you're probably limiting your potential. I've met many anxiety-riddled and shy folks who spent years staring at the computer screen, enjoying the tease but always too scared to make the plunge. Do you have many friends? Any friends who are more socially graceful? Host a barbecue and encourage each of your friends to invite one person you do not know. Widen your social circle. Get acclimated with talking to people more. Obviously this is difficult because you're being treated for anxiety, but I think the most crippling thing you can do is use that as justification to continue living in isolation behind a screen. You weren't a virgin until you were 26 because you're ugly, but because you were in self-imposed isolation. Set small steps for yourself. Are you undergoing cognitive behavioral therapy for the anxiety? Maybe your first icebreaker will be greeting a stranger as you pass them while you're walking or getting onto the bus. Go out to a restaurant with some of your friends - encourage them to invite any single ladies you know. Or better yet, ask them to invite ladies who are paired up and their boyfriends. A lot of men seem to be less anxious about a girl who's taken because she's not as much of a threat - she's unavailable anyway! Let a trusted friend know about your anxiety and help him steer conversations in a direction in which you can find a comfortable topic to discuss with someone else. One of my cousin's friends also has terrible anxiety when it comes to relationships. He's calmed down some over the years because I'm friendly and I'll talk to him first, so he's not nearly as fearful of women anymore. We're not fire-breathing monsters. We're normal people, just like you and anyone else. We stoop to poop an average of once every one to three days. We comb our hair, fart and burp. We're not that amazing.
Glove_slap Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 How do I deal with it? Porn and fantasies. There are many frustrated men on loveshack. You'll fit right in. This multiplied by 2.
notuneak Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 You might try a social anxiety support group. Support groups are usually mainly made up of females. They will get to know you and give you more confidence. Hang in there.
Author Red Arremer Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 The next thing is that by keeping the dating strictly online, you're probably limiting your potential. I've met many anxiety-riddled and shy folks who spent years staring at the computer screen, enjoying the tease but always too scared to make the plunge. Do you have many friends? Any friends who are more socially graceful? I don't have many friends, but of the ones I do have 1-2 of them are extremely good socially. One guy in particular I know has tried to take me to clubs in the past but when I go I really can't do anything but stand in place and look dumbfounded because those places scare the hell out of me. I've tried therapy but it has never worked, even after something like 4-5 therapists. I tried a support group once too and that didn't really work either because we were all clammed up and it just sort of fed off each other. I guess I should mention that I'm pretty good at getting first dates online, a lot of girls do flake on me but I get a fairly steady 1-2 dates a month from it. Getting second dates, on the other hand, is just about impossible. There is never any chemistry there, and I can't typically bring myself to flirt or touch my dates or anything because I have this super intense fear that I'm going to come off like the lecherous old man that I am and it will be super creepy.
Ross MwcFan Posted April 21, 2011 Posted April 21, 2011 Take up collecting porn as a hobby. Or try changing your meds, as some anti depressants can kill your sex drive.
Author Red Arremer Posted April 21, 2011 Author Posted April 21, 2011 Or try changing your meds, as some anti depressants can kill your sex drive. Are there ones that do that without making you fat though? The two have always been linked, in my experience.
runner Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 There is never any chemistry there, ... [BECAUSE] ...I can't typically bring myself to flirt or touch my dates or anything because I have this super intense fear that I'm going to come off like the lecherous old man that I am and it will be super creepy. and there's your problem. i don't think i've ever met a girl that would go on a second date with a "lecherous old man" (a position you've put yourself into in the first place). you gotta get that physical and emotional connexion going right from the beginning, and she'll be asking you for that second date instead.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 and there's your problem. i don't think i've ever met a girl that would go on a second date with a "lecherous old man" (a position you've put yourself into in the first place). you gotta get that physical and emotional connexion going right from the beginning, and she'll be asking you for that second date instead. Yes. A woman who is interested in you wants to know that you want her. At first, make small moves of affection to test things out. Touch her arm. Place your hand on the small of her back when you are walking in somewhere. Take her hand when you cross the street. If she likes you, she will welcome all this.
Wolf18 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 With prostitution illegal and dangerous in America, this seems to be a problem with countless men who struggle with getting women attracted to them. I can't give you any advice as I'm struggling with the same issue, looking at Craigslist casual encounters for example will bring up a small group of very unattractive women and a large group of 6 feet tall , body building men with huge dongs competing for them (take a look if you don't believe me). You said in another thread that you had a very successful career. I would say tone the nerdiness down and just give dating another try, you have a very significant advantage over a huge percentage of men in this awful economy.
Author Red Arremer Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 Yes. A woman who is interested in you wants to know that you want her. At first, make small moves of affection to test things out. Touch her arm. Place your hand on the small of her back when you are walking in somewhere. Take her hand when you cross the street. If she likes you, she will welcome all this. The thing is, I really don't have much of a clue how to make these "small moves of affection" and the only way to practice is pretty much just by doing it, which is invariably going to end with me creepily ****ing it up lord knows how many times. With prostitution illegal and dangerous in America, this seems to be a problem with countless men who struggle with getting women attracted to them. I can't give you any advice as I'm struggling with the same issue, looking at Craigslist casual encounters for example will bring up a small group of very unattractive women and a large group of 6 feet tall , body building men with huge dongs competing for them (take a look if you don't believe me). Yeah, I've looked. I know what you're talking about. You said in another thread that you had a very successful career. I would say tone the nerdiness down and just give dating another try, you have a very significant advantage over a huge percentage of men in this awful economy. I realize I have an advantage, I just have no idea what advantage it actually is. I don't exactly want to flaunt my success because I feel like all that is going to attract is gold diggers. I wouldn't say I've given up on dating, but I'm definitely not going at it as hard as I could be. And I will probably reluctantly "tone the nerdiness down" if that gives me a better shot, even though I would really like to find someone that shares some of the nerdy interests I have (I realize, of course, that at my age all of these girls are either taken or have some pretty serious problems). The problem with that though is that my job leaves me with so little time that nerdy hobbies are pretty much all I've got right now. Not sure what I'm going to do about that. Unrelated observation: Wow, I'm not used to boards you can't swear on.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 The thing is, I really don't have much of a clue how to make these "small moves of affection" and the only way to practice is pretty much just by doing it, which is invariably going to end with me creepily ****ing it up lord knows how many times. You have a loser attitude. You're not going to get anywhere if you are convinced you'll fail before you've even taken a shot. If a woman agrees to go on a date with you, she is probably not going to mind you touching her a little.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 You have a loser attitude. You're not going to get anywhere if you are convinced you'll fail before you've even taken a shot. If a woman agrees to go on a date with you, she is probably not going to mind you touching her a little. I don't mean to sound like I'm a complete idiot. But is this really true? And I confess to being one of those people with "a loser attitude".
Ruby Slippers Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 I don't mean to sound like I'm a complete idiot. But is this really true? Well, I've NEVER gone a date with a man I didn't want to touch me, a lot.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Well, I've NEVER gone a date with a man I didn't want to touch me, a lot. Wow. I really think this changes my whole outlook on things. I've never gone on a date where I did touch the girl...despite wanting to.
Author Red Arremer Posted April 22, 2011 Author Posted April 22, 2011 If a woman agrees to go on a date with you, she is probably not going to mind you touching her a little. Maybe I'm just showing my loser attitude again, but I don't know if this would really apply to online dating or not. When you meet someone and date in the real world, you already basically know you're physically attracted to the person before you start dating. Online you have pictures and stuff, but it's still basically impossible to tell what's going to happen when you actually see someone until that happens. I think I actually meant to quote your later post, but oh well.
Wolf18 Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 I realize I have an advantage, I just have no idea what advantage it actually is. I don't exactly want to flaunt my success because I feel like all that is going to attract is gold diggers.[/Quote] This is a nasty little fact about dating and attraction, but in terms of initial attraction, women will objectify you. There are women who are attracted to a man for his tall height, are they height diggers? There are women who are attracted to a man for his muscles, are they muscle diggers? I wouldn't say I've given up on dating, but I'm definitely not going at it as hard as I could be. And I will probably reluctantly "tone the nerdiness down" if that gives me a better shot, even though I would really like to find someone that shares some of the nerdy interests I have (I realize, of course, that at my age all of these girls are either taken or have some pretty serious problems). The problem with that though is that my job leaves me with so little time that nerdy hobbies are pretty much all I've got right now. Not sure what I'm going to do about that.
BiscuitXOXO Posted April 22, 2011 Posted April 22, 2011 Well, I've NEVER gone a date with a man I didn't want to touch me, a lot. For me, this depends. I almost always give any guy who asks me out a chance. Some of them I wouldn't mind touching, some...I would lol. I think waiting for the girl to touch you first is a safer route. I always touch guys I like first, because I realize that it's harder for guys to touch girls than vice versa. Although taking initiative and then watching how she reacts is a pretty safe bet too.
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