Marie618 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I'm 29 and only started dating about 3 years ago, when I met my first boyfriend. Since then, I have mostly been online dating, with no success. Most recently, I was strung along by someone I had met online for 11 months. I just got out of that emotional wreckage, and now I'm more guarded when I meet people who seem to only be interested in sex. Now I've met someone else online, and while I was certain that he was also only in it for the sex, his persistence makes me second guess myself. We wouldn't have first met had he not been persistent. This man contacted me through an online dating site several months ago. I was so buried in work at the time that I was unable to find the time to check my messages on the site, so my messages were often unread or I would fail to respond. This man contacted me twice (3 weeks apart) before I noticed and responded. We exchanged several messages then I stopped responding again. A month later, he messages me again to see if I was still interested in meeting and we finally set up a date. We first met at a bar that he chose. He was attractive and we got along very well. However, he suggested more than once to go back to my place, he kept trying to buy me more drinks, and at some point, he grabbed my tush. We ended up kissing at the bar. When he walked me to my car, he kissed me goodnight and told me that he had waited months to finally meet me. That night, I decided that I wouldn't see him again. I felt that while I was attracted to him very much, he was interested only in sex, and I'd eventually get hurt. After that first date, he called and texted and called and texted. I ignored all of his texts and calls. He texted for several days. Finally, when he called again after nearly a week of being ignored, I answered his call. It's hard to ignore someone when you're attracted to them...even when you know he might be bad news. We had a good conversation, and he helped me a great deal with a project at work by sending me research (we work in the same field), so I agreed to see him again. We met at another bar. Long story short, we kissed, and he asked to go back to my place several times. At the end of the night, he asked again and promised that he would be a "gentleman." I still said no. I decided I was right about him the first time, and I wouldn't see him again. I stopped responding to his contact, but he kept contacting me. I finally told him that it was getting too busy at work, so I wouldn't be free for at least 2 1/2 weeks. He asked to see me in 2 1/2 weeks and set a date. I was late to date #3 due to major work issues and had not eaten all day. He bought me drinks that were very strong, and I ended up feeling quite drunk. I was very nauseated. In my drunk state, I agreed to go back to his place that evening. One thing led to another and our clothes were off and we fooled around, but didn't have sex. He expressed disappointment in not having sex, and I told myself I REALLY will not see this guy ever again. I really did stop answering his calls and texts...and eventually, the calls and texts stopped. Then, over a month passes by, and he texts me, "How are you?" This made me consider the idea that perhaps I was wrong about him. He's attractive, charming, and successful--- he seems like he can get girls easily....so why is he being so persistent? I agreed to see him again, but he suggested that we watch a movie at his place. He sort of sprung this plan on me last minute, so I couldn't back out of it, and I was disappointed. We fooled around, but didn't have sex. When he kissed me goodnight, he asked to see me the following week. The following week, he suggested that we watch a movie at my place. We watched a movie, drank, fooled around, but didn't have sex. He asked to see me again the next week. He suggested that we watch a movie at my place again. At this point, I was hoping he would show some interest in taking me on a "date" or at least appear to be making some effort. I suggested that we grab a bite before the movie. He said okay. However, later, he acted like he didn't know that getting food was a part of our plan. I wasn't sure whether or not I should give him the benefit of the doubt, but I didn't like the idea that I was possibly being lied to. I suggested that we reschedule because by the time he got to my place, it would be too late to grab food. He immediately called and told me how much he wanted to see me that night and that he'd come over asap and we could grab food. I was a bit angry. It wasn't about food, but it was about the fear of being led on and used again. When he arrived, it had been late, and I told him that I wasn't hungry. We stayed in and watched a movie. Then we fooled around again. We didn't have sex. I'm more confused than ever. I don't know whether to see him again or if I've seen enough. I thought he was only interested in sex....but is he? Does his persistence make a difference? Do I need more time? I apologize for such a long post!!!! Thank you for reading!!
BiscuitXOXO Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Why don't you just ask him to clarify your relationship? None of us can read his mind.
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I don't think this is a good guy. He is crossing your boundaries by touching you in an inappropriate way on the first date, he tries to buy you too many drinks. He might be one of these guys who just wants to get you in bed and then will disappear. If you want to make sure he wants more than sex, don't meet him in a bar but plan a date on an afternoon in the weekend where you do something innocent: go to a museum, go for a walk, play tennis.
Andy_K Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Impossible to tell. It could just mean he REALLY wants to have sex with you. Thing is, guys who want a relationship also want sex. Always. Trying to figure out whether a guy only wants sex by looking at whether he tries to get you into bed or not is like trying to figure out whether your car can only drive in reverse by only ever reversing it. It will. It's not a very helpful way to check it. I'm not directing this at you in particular, but it's always struck me as curious that so many women love to believe they've got this superhuman ability to judge someone's character and general personality within minutes (or seconds) of first meeting, yet all the time we see topics where after several dates or months of on and off contact a girl still gets either completely mislead, or hasn't got a good enough handle on a guy to figure out whether he's the sort of guy that would want a relationship...
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I'm eager to bet that you will give in after the next time you declare that you won't see him again. Every vibe in your story assures that you shouldn't have seen him again after first reaching that conclusion, and yet you keep making the wrong move to end/begin each new chapter.
Yookie Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Judging by what you wrote, it is crystal clear that he wants to have sex with you but I don't see where he's actually wanting to get to know you better outside of the physical. His persistence makes no difference. Only time will tell you if he is after only sex with you and nothing more. Stop putting yourself in situations where he can get you drunk and have opportunities to escalate the intimacy. If you keep going to each other's houses, eventually it WILL happen. Slow things down and see if he is interested in knowing YOU as a person. If he only wants to do house dates then you have your answer. Try to find out more about him to see if you even want to get more deeply involved. Have you met any of his family or friends?
Eddie Edirol Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 he only wants sex. problem is, you arent forcing him to take you on dates to real places other than your place. No movies, museums, long walks to get to know each other, is he asking you questions about who you are? Once a guy gets close to having sex with you, he will keep trying until he actually has sex with you. It is WAAYY too obvious from what you said that he just wants sex, and nothing else. If you keep going, you will find that out the hard way when he stops contacting you. You can make him take you out on meaningful dates, and he will probably fall apart, or know now that he just wants sex and block his number, and TELL him straight up to stop calling you BECAUSE you know he only wants sex. he will deny it of course.
daphne Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Marie, This guy is really only after sex. As Eddie said last, you haven't really made him work at trying to date you either. Regardless, this isn't going anywhere. Except to bed if you let it. Either sleep with him so he'll never bother you again, or stop answering his calls. You are being too wishy washy in this. Stop thinking this romantic poppy cock that he's persistent because he really cares about you. He's persistent because you are a challenge and he enjoys it. Nothing more, nothing less. Once you get the Hollywood romantic movie out of your head, you'll see clearly this guy isn't relationship material. Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Stop thinking this romantic poppy cock that he's persistent because he really cares about you. He's persistent because you are a challenge and he enjoys it. Nothing more, nothing less. Ill take Daphne's words one step further.... I dont even think this guy likes the challenge, (he very well could like it) I think youre the closest thing he has to sex right now. Since you gave him a taste, hes drooling right now because he thinks he is sooo close. He knows youre breaking down. All hes thinkin about now is waxin that ass. hes gonna work as hard as he can to bust a nut. Thats what the poison does to ya. After hes done, he will get up and walk out. Dont do it, unless you only want sex and nothing more.
lolo1234 Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 You are right about your instincts . A guy who is interested I'm you will want to take you out. To the movies, dinner, dancing.. Whatever. You're just a challenge to him at this point and considering that even tho there's no sex he knows he can at least fool around with u. Trust me I've dated tons of guys like this and good ones as well. Test your instincts. If u had other prospects I'd tell u to continue seeing him if u enjoy his company but if ur only dating him then ur going to put too much hope on this man and u will get hurt
zengirl Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I find a man who is very persistent to be bad news, personally. To me, that's a sign that the man is not respectful of other people's boundaries and would be a red flag. To me, the description of this man fits the bill on that. A certain kind of persistence just seems very controlling to me, and it definitely isn't my cuppa, but take that as you will. As to WHY he is persistent or whether it has to do with sex. . . I don't know. It doesn't seem like this dynamic started from a happy place, either from him (sending multiple messages with no response) or from you (having such a barrier to trust).
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