Is Coming From an Intact Family a Liability in the Dating World?

[LearningLove]

I don't know if I'm rare, but among my friends I'm one of the few people who not only grew up with a mom and dad but whose mom and dad are still together--empty nest as they say it.

 

I've done a lot of dating, the major relationships in my life have, all three of them, been with women who came from intact homes. Each situation did not work out for different reasons.

 

The first major relationship ended when I had to move across the country for work--I mean it may sound like a superficial reason to end things but her profession required her to be in a specific city and my profession required me to also be in a specific city.

 

The second major relationship ended because the girl I was dating had completed her life goals and was ready to settle down and I was still in the process of working things out.

 

The most recent relationship ended because now I'm in a good position where I want to settle down, but she was not ready to settle down. In addition, she wanted to move to a very nice area in the Midwest and I'm a complete coastal city guy. She now lives in the Midwest and I'm still in a city.

 

I'm not too old, but older. So, I'm kind of encountering situations in the dating scene I've never encountered before. These situations include meeting women who have one marriage under their belt and sometimes children from that marriage. I don't mind that at all, but realistically all these women who are divorced have come from divorced families.

 

I'm reluctant to date them seriously because I'm pretty certain no matter how hard I tried, things would end up in divorce. I feel this way mainly because these women have already gotten a divorce, so I figure another divorce is easier than the first.

 

I'm trying very hard to find a girl to settle down with, but as they say when you are looking you are not going find it and when you had the chance you should have taken it.

 

So here are my questions:

 

1. Are there any older guys who sympathize with my plight and can indicate whether marrying divorced women can lead to a successful relationship.

 

2. At what age is the point of no return. Meaning , beyond that age the vast majority of available women are divorced.

 

3. Are you a divorced woman who can honestly write marriage the second time can work out.

 

Any other comments are welcome as well. Thanks for the replies.

[zakfar]

1. Are there any older guys who sympathize with my plight and can indicate whether marrying divorced women can lead to a successful relationship.

 

Well, I wouldn't completely agree with that. Although you are right that having second divorce is easier than the first one, it is also possible that someone regrets her previous failures and decides that nothing goes wrong with her new marriage. When you date a divorced woman, you need to talk to her a lot, and see what kind of mentality she has. Which category does she belong? Does she regret her failure, and realizes her mistakes? Or she is accusing her ex for being an 'Ass-hole'? If she talks more about her own mistakes, she can be a good wife.

2. At what age is the point of no return. Meaning , beyond that age the vast majority of available women are divorced.

 

Well, I can't say the age. I think you are in USA. As much I know about the stats of your country, you can pretty much find very old women too who haven't been divorced, as they couldn't marry at all, but had been through lots of relationships.

 

It looks like you're serious about one life-time marriage. I wish you can find your partner.

 

Zakfar.

[Mrlonelyone]

My mother came from a single parent home (This was in the 40's and 50's mind you). Lived in public housing in St Louis.

 

She married one man and had his three children. Then divorced him.

 

Then married my father and has been married to him for 31 years so far. Even if they got divorced tomorrow 30 years of marriage would count as a resounding success. (Though they are both so old by now when the papers cleared the courts they may well be dead. lol. )

 

The moral of that story is that not all women treat divorce as the casual thing that some people think they do. It could be a generational thing too.

 

Young women, who are currently of childbearing age may have a different attitude than my mothers generation. It will depend on where you look for them though and how careful you are in picking. Good luck.

[somedude81]

I'm one of the few people who not only grew up with a mom and dad but whose mom and dad are still together--empty nest as they say it.

 

I've done a lot of dating,

Hi learning.

 

My parents divorced when I was very young and raised by a young single mother on welfare. For some reason it had a huge negative impact on my younger brother and I. None of us had happy childhoods and now we are screwed up adults. I don't know about my brother since I don't talk to him because he is a total ass, but I have done very little dating. 29 years old and been on something like three first dates. I've had a grand total of zero relationships.

 

So no, I don't think that coming from an intact family is a liability. Just the opposite actually.

 

I cannot imagine the kind of life I'd have or person I'd be if I was raised by two loving parents. Actually I just have to see how my half brother turns out. It doesn't seem like my Dad and Stepmother are going to get divorced anytime soon.

[Eddie Edirol]

I'm reluctant to date them seriously because I'm pretty certain no matter how hard I tried, things would end up in divorce.

 

You cant be reluctant to date because a women came from divorced parents.

 

The divorce has nothing to do with it.

 

Did you learn nothing from this site?

 

What matters is many other things. Mainly watching red flags when you date, and if you have a successful relationship, keep honest communication. Also do the research on how to keep your woman happy and interested in you.

 

Watch out for women on the rebound, and dont get attached to anyone until you are completely sure you are on the same page.

 

 

too many people ignoring obvious signs and are getting attached to the wrong people.

[Eeyore79]

There are some people who have never been married before who might marry and divorce you, and there are some divorced people who might marry you and stay with you forever. It really depends on the individual.

 

Having said that, statistically a second marriage is more likely to fail; the second divorce is easier than the first (although a third marriage is actually more likely to last as people tend to think "Oh god, I can't fail at marriage again!" so they try really hard). So your marriage probably has a better chance of lasting if you marry a non-divorced person.

 

A marriage is also more likely to fail if one or both of the parties involved comes from a broken home. I guess they saw their parents get divorced and therefore see divorce as an acceptable option when the going gets tough; maybe they don't put their all into a relationship because the possiblity of divorce is always in the back of their minds. Myself, I saw my parents stand by each other for forty years, and I don't feel that divorce is an option except in the most extreme situations where there's infidelity or violence - so I think if I married someone it would be likely to last, especially if I choose someone with similar opinions about commitment.

 

Other factors that statistically improve the chances of your marriage lasting are being religous, getting married at a later age, having a college degree, and not cohabiting or having children prior to marriage.

[zengirl]

I hate the phrase "intact home." It seems almost elitist and is too often (not saying this is the case here) used by people who want to pity/look down on/whine about different kinds of families. All kinds of healthy families are not considered "intact homes." Probably mine is not, and I have great parents (a Mom and a Stepdad, and yes, I still have a Dad who I speak to as well) and have seen great examples for a relationship from them.

 

In terms of the women you've dated being from intact homes, I don't think it's a benefit or detriment. They just happen to have that background and things didn't work out, likely for totally other reasons. Plenty of people from all kinds of homes have successful marriages, and statistics don't even bear out that many differences, except when you're talking about the stereotypical Singe Mom, No Father Around At All type situation (which gives a slightly higher chance of divorce/lower chance of marriage in general, but poverty and lack of education are FAR more driving factors than this).

 

Re: Divorced women (and men)

 

My parents (Mom and Stepdad) are both in their 2nd marriage, together, and very happy. I've seen other couples very happy, after an unhappy marriage. It really depends how they approach the 2nd marriage and why their first marriage ended.

 

Personally, I wouldn't rule a partner out just because he was divorced.

 

Having said that, statistically a second marriage is more likely to fail; the second divorce is easier than the first (although a third marriage is actually more likely to last as people tend to think "Oh god, I can't fail at marriage again!" so they try really hard). So your marriage probably has a better chance of lasting if you marry a non-divorced person.

 

As far as I've always see: Statisticallly, a third marriage is even more likely to fail than a second one. (A lot moreso actually.) I assume it's because it's mostly folks who shouldn't be getting married doing it.

[SweetDaphne]

Coming from a home where my parents have been very happily together for over 40 years (since high school) I can understand where you're coming from.

 

I often look at dates and relationships in terms of my parents. Meaning I want to have what my parents have. That love, connection, and utter happiness that they've had my entire life. Sometimes I think its such a high standard to follow - that its hindering me. And do I judge potential dates if they're parents are divorced, or if they're not close to their families? Yes.

 

One of the biggest questions for me is: Are you close with your family? If you answer something other then yes, it's a red flag for me. I've come to learn that guys who aren't close to their families, often have an issue or jealousy towards me for being close to mine.

 

And it is hard to date someone who's already been divorced at my age (27), because to me marriage is something that is a lifetime (aside from violence or cheating) and something that should be worked on.

 

My parents are amazing and sometimes I think they're relationship has provided such a standard, that in todays world, may not be possible - and it is disheartening.

 

That being said though - my family is amazing! And I wouldn't want them any other way then what and who they are.

[Jazzari]

3. Are you a divorced woman who can honestly write marriage the second time can work out.

My first marriage lasted about a year. I was 20 years old, bored and well...stupid. It broke up simply because we were incompatible.

 

I remarried again at age 28. My second marriage lasted 18 years and only ended upon the death of my husband. It was a very happy marriage and I have no doubts it would have lasted a lifetime had he lived.

[tigressA]

I agree with Zengirl. I also hate the phrase "intact home". Just because a home is "intact" doesn't mean it's healthy, happy or functional. I was talking with my BF about this last night; he said that he once asked his mom if she would've divorced his dad if she had the chance, and she had said "Yes". My parents were never married; their relationship was somewhat volatile, and I haven't been in the best relationships, but I have learned a lot from every one and am determined that if I get married, I will do everything in my power to make it last for life.

[sumdude]

I can understand where you're coming from. I come from parents who "untill death did they part." Seems a bit rare these days and I sure wouldn't call it a liability.

 

I married a woman who was a child of a dysfunctional divorced couple. My ex gave up on the marriage and ran off one day after less than two years. In a way she did exactly the same thing her mother did.

 

I for one didn't want a divorce but it was out of my hands.

 

So here I am a divorced man carrying a bit of a stigma because of it.

 

I guess my point is just because someone is divorced you don't know whether or not it it was their choice until you get to know them.

[Eve]

Hubby - Parents married for 50 odd years. Hubby comes from a loving background, although his parents argue A LOT. Hubby dislikes this aspect of how is parents are but has quit trying to change them. This is his second marriage.

 

My Mum was married for 30 years and for the most part was unhappy. She died being married to this person. My main Foster Parents have know each other since they were 5 and 10 years old, married for 50 odd years. Although, I am from a dysfunctional background I kind of took on the ways of my Foster Parents as the ultimate goal; They never argue and are still in love. I am in what I hope will be my only marriage.

 

All in all I would look at who any prospective partner considers to be their marital role model and balance that with how they speak about their previous partner. Also, look at how long they have been single to ensure they are not on the rebound.

 

.. Off course, things could still work out even if they are on the rebound etc.. Love is a funny thing..

 

All the best,

Take care,

Eve x

Edited April 12, 2011 by Eve