AzaleaBelle Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I would really like some insight into this situation. I browsed some of the threads and this seems like a great place for honest advice. I debated between dating and the marriage subforum. I hope this is the best place for it. My bf and I have been together for a year and half. I'm 30, he is 27. We live together. Normally, we have a great relationship and friendship. Yeah, we fight sometimes, but it is usually over stupid stuff like him telling me how to spice my recipes. Lately, our fights are "the principle of the matter" type of stuff and I think it is mostly my fault. When we got together, I didn't want children or just wasn't comfortable with the idea of having children. I was adamant about it, actually. He, one day, wanted children. This is a key difference, but we decided to pursue the relationship anyway. If the subject would come up, he would usually end up with hurt feelings and a sad disposition. So, we just stopped talking about it all together. As time passed and I got to know him better and fell deeper and deeper in love with him, I realized that a creating and raising a family with him would be one of the most rewarding experiences I could have. It made me smile to think about it. I love the way he thinks, our values are very similar and when we put our heads together we are logical and insightful. I love him very much and not just in way I have loved other boyfriends. This realization made me happy, not fearful or suffocated as I had been when children were discussed previously. I decided to tell him. I wanted to be careful about how I told him because I didn't want him to think I wanted to get married and have babies NOW or even in the next year. Just eventually, I would want to have children with him. We are both adults and should be able to talk about this sort of thing. However, I made a royal mess of it. One day, he told me that he had doubts about our relationship. He wouldn't go into much detail. He told me that he loved me, but he wasn't sure if we would make each other happy. He implied, but didn't say, it was the children issue. I took "doubts" and ran with it. Well, the next day as we were talking about our future because I was hung out on "doubts" and instead of leading with the fact that he changed my mind about children, I start with "I think I should move 1600 miles away and take a good, high paying job. My cousin is doing the hiring and that it is a guaranteed future. You obviously have doubts and even though I don't, I think this is the best thing for me." He got upset, he was crying so hard that he couldn't breathe at one point. He told me that he didn't have doubts about whether or not he loved me or wanted to be with me. And I am still not clear exactly what he meant but the conversation ended when he asked me what I wanted out of my future. I told him that ideally I would have a family with him, that I wanted children. And even though he was half way across the apartment he ran over to me, grabbed me, hugged me so hard we both fell on the floor, he started crying again and he even got an erection. He told me that was a huge relief and we went about our lives. After that night, he got extremely distant and sometimes you just know when something is up, well I just got that feeling. We started fighting almost everyday for a week. I could look at him and tell that he was uncomfortable about something and he was a good deal less affectionate than he had been. A couple of days ago, we were both just tired of the fighting and it came out. He told me he was "afraid that he had found the one." Afraid? Shouldn't that be a happy realization? Why would he be distant if that was the case? He said me admitting that made the relationship and our future together "real." And that made him think. Well, that hurt me even more. He said we were "getting ahead of ourselves." And that was what I wanted to avoid. I told him that I didn't expect us to drop everything, get married and start making babies. I just wanted to share that happy realization with him. I thought that it would put us on the same page, but instead it drove us further apart I don't know what to do now. I am completely comfortable, but still passionate about him. In other relationship, I've had a wandering eye, but in this one I am devoted to him. I don't want anyone else. Thats new for me. I know that he is the one for me. But I guess he doesn't see it like that. I feel stupid for misreading the relationship.
zakfar Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) AzaleaBelle You need to understand here a few things. First of all, he is indeed 'Afraid' of finding the one. Why? It happens to many people. Look at this from the perspective of what's happening in his mind. "I have found her > I will marry her > I will have too much responsibility > I will have many restrictions > My freedom is doomed" It happens to many people, both males and females. They want to marry, and they want to have children, but when they are in the final stage, they start feeling the 'Fear' and try to run away from that decision and moment. It's a psychological trauma. If you are getting farther, it is indeed bad. Because, he will start thinking 'Maybe I got it wrong... she's not the right person'. He might have already started to think like that because of his 'Fear' of making this relationship permanent. Now how to solve this issue. You should discuss with him clearly. If he wants time for the marriage and children, tell him that there is not a problem. He can have the time he wants. That will give him some sort of relaxation. Let him have some time with that relaxation. He'll come back with his thoughts for marriage and children, but this will take some time. Note that, if you remind him about his previous thoughts about children, it will give him more 'Negative' thoughts about this all. Just forget what he said and wanted in the past, as if that never happened. Stick to what's going on right now, and let him come back with his decision. I hope it helps. Zakfar. Edited April 12, 2011 by zakfar
Author AzaleaBelle Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Thanks for your advice. I hope everything works out. I didn't mean to imply that I was ready for those things, just that I had changed my mind about wanting children ONE day. He took it that way. I still have a lot I want to do, too. I am so hurt that it drove us apart.
Author AzaleaBelle Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 So many views, so few replies. : (
Imajerk17 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 He was "crying so hard he could hardly breathe"? Are we talking about a grown man here or some emo wussbag? This is actually a serious question.
Author AzaleaBelle Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 He is grown and very responsible. I rarely see him blindly upset. He just deals with whatever is at hand and goes about his business. Not one to get worked up over anything, really. Men cry sometimes. It is a release like anything else. I'd rather him cry than get angry and hit something.
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