Aveenolover Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 months and have known each other for over a year. Our relationship has been moving along pretty smoothly, we get a few little arguments here and there, but we usually work them out pretty fast. Very good sex life. This past weekend he was house sitting for his sister while she was out on vacation, and we stayed together from friday night until just a few hours ago. We were going to go out sunday for dinner and i was looking up the restaurants directions from his laptop while he was in the shower and got a little bit curious and looked at a few websites he had previously visited...I saw he was lookin at a lot of porn on thursday (no biggy), but then started getting into chatroulette and looking at other live webcam websites (starting to bother me...i dont mind pictures and videos because theres really no interraction, but talking/playing with someone live? yeah..) and then the kicker: some speed dating website. I went to it, and saw he had registered....he only filled out his name and city, the very bare minimum just to see what the website is and he hadnt sent any messages and hadnt filled out enough stuff to be able to VIEW messages, but it still REALLY upset me. When he got out of the shower, i asked him what it was and he first said he didnt know, he was really high and stuff when he was on the internet thursday. At this point i was just getting more and more upset and infuriated so i walked out and he followed me and i asked him more why he would even go to it and how does he "accidentally" register? and then he said he was directed there and had to fill out stuff for something? i dont even know. then LATER i asked him again and he finally said he was curious and had never been on a dating website and wanted to see what it was like, he said he thought it was like facebook or something. >_____> yeah. He apologized profusely, erased his "profile", and yeah. I dont know though, he really didnt do anything on it, but the fact that he wanted to SEE what it was like. I was EXTREMELY mad and ignored him for a long time. He asked me if i was going to break up with him and when i said i dont know..he got very frightened. He said that he is with the only person he wants to be with, he really really likes me, he has fun with me, he tries to spoil me yada yada. but i still wonder if im all that and a bag of chips, then why did he get on that site? Lastly, during this time i was so mad, and so i asked him if he even loved me. Considering its been over 3 months, i feel like he should know by now..but he said "i dont make decisions like that until after 6 months...but i REALLY like you". I'm just confused...can i get some of you guys' opinions over this? Am i overreacting? and if i am, help me see it in an innocent way and help me get these negative thoughts out of my head
OldOnTheInside Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 It is natural to feel upset by his actions... You've made it clear how you feel correct? You can't change who he is or completely control what he wants to do with his time. If you have told him that looking at these sites makes you feel uncomfortable and he continues to disregard your feelings, then I would suggest that you dump him and find someone that is more compatible with you. A 3 month relationship is fairly insignificant in the long run. The fact that he is looking at speed dating websites is suspicious however. Have you considered a keylogger? The issue here is that if you need to get a keylogger within the first 3 months of a relationship, you already have so little trust in him. One last bit: If you caught him looking at these sites again, what would you do? Do you believe that it is worth the risks to be with this man in the longterm? How fufilling is your overall relationship?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 he was really high This part probably explains all you need to know about him.
hoping2heal Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Red Flag #1 - He goes to live webcam sites Red flag #2 - You confront him about something and he lies to you, repeatedly. Red flag #3 - He does not bother to take responsibility for his actions "I was High on Thursday" He has already shown he will attempt to lie to you to save his ass. Not good. I would be much more bugged by the fact that he is going live and camming with real people than the speed dating, but of course that is because he has not done anything, not yet. Where as with the cam site, he already has been doing things so I consider that the worst of two. Not a big fan of people who pull out the "I was high/I was drunk" defense. It shows a real lack of maturity for one, for two..so he gets oral sex from someone and then what? He was High and thought she was the vacuum hose? Puh-lease. People make mistakes but it's a bad sign when you get with the train of thought who will lie to you, rather than tell you the truth about them. Yes, I know he just didn't want to upset/lose you, but that's the point. That is what they do when they have crossed the line, lie so they won't mess things up.
Author Aveenolover Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 @ Oldontheinside Yes, i made it very clear. And he has been very apologetic, erased that profile and has been doing what he can to show me he appreciates me and only wants to be with me. But, it has only been a little over a day so im still pretty upset about it. If i were to find those websites on there again, or if i were to find him on any dating website, i wouldnt hesitate to break up with him. I'm pretty sure he knows this from my reaction of finding it in the first place. The difference between like...why wouldnt i just break up with him NOW, is that i'll give him a chance. If he really WAS ..curious? (about what exactly? i dont even know..) but now he knows how much it hurt me so he should know NOT to do it again. I'm trying to give him a chance but it still upsets me so much. I wouldnt do the keylogger approach because he definitely deserves privacy. At the moment, the relationship is great besides that. i mean theres definitely room for improvement, but i was pretty happy with him. He inspires me to try new things and i actually want to teach him to try new things, too. @Hoping I know. Those are all the feelings that are going through my mind right now. All those red flags. I always think negatively about everything and i always assume the worst. but what if its not that bad? Everyone ive talked to that uses chatroulette said the only thing you can see are weiners. I didnt get a chance to investigate the other websites. he may not have signed up for them. Yes, that lying thing definitely stings. and i told him that now he really messed things up by lying because how the eff am i supposed to trust him if hes lying about this stupid crap? what if somethign BIG happens, how am i supposed to trust him then? and the high excuse is definitely irritating. Ive been high a few times, and i still know EXACTLY what i'm doing. When im drunk, i know EXACTLY what im doing.
Author Aveenolover Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 I guess my other question is, how do i move past this and be happy and would YOU guys move past this? do you think these offenses are big enough to destroy a relationship or do you think he was just super horny, and wanted to get off to something other than porno videos but didnt think about how it would affect me? I mean, on that dating site he wasnt able to contact people or be contacted...however, he did just sign up on thursday and i was over fri-monday. what if i DIDNT catch him...how do i know it would have ended at just a peak? ughh
hoping2heal Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I guess my other question is, how do i move past this and be happy and would YOU guys move past this? do you think these offenses are big enough to destroy a relationship or do you think he was just super horny, and wanted to get off to something other than porno videos but didnt think about how it would affect me? I mean, on that dating site he wasnt able to contact people or be contacted...however, he did just sign up on thursday and i was over fri-monday. what if i DIDNT catch him...how do i know it would have ended at just a peak? ughh If I caught my SO in the same situation and he had told me the truth straight out, instead of lied, and then lied some more, and then lied again; I would let him know I am not okay with it, I don't want him doing it anymore and it's a deal breaker for me should it happen again. I would feel hurt but people make mistakes. The bigger problem is that he wasn't honest with you. He tried to cover his tracks and that is likely how he deals with things; by lying about them. That would make it really difficult to trust and I don't personally know that I could move past it. I might try but it would always be nagging at me I think. If you still want to try you need to do two things 1. watch for consistency. Not JUST with this, with everything he does from here on out. 2. Listen to your gut about when he is being truthful or not. Make it very clear that dishonesty is going to ruin the relationship if he doesn't nip that bad habit in the bud. He erased the profile, so? Not hard to make another one. So watch his consistency and give it some time. He needs to prove his credibility all over again, because he just ruined it.
stace79 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Sounds unhealthy to me. (Drug use, "curiosity" about online dating, pervasive use of porn and live webcamming, and the lying.) I wouldn't stick with it, but that's just me. I don't tolerate much nowadays.
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