longterm Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Ok, so I have been on break for about 1 month. My X who was really into me for 3 months, started to lose interest. Mostly due to her own life issues and stress. Whatever the case, she lost interest in me and doesnt seem to care anymore. She has 2 kids which for her all she wants. You wouldn't think so but it's true. At least for now. Anyway, I started dating again. Just to get out there because at this point I figure it's over. There is no hope for us. Im noticing that I am comparing these new women with her. I'm probably shallow but it's everything from their body to their goals in life. I guess I shouldn't be out there yet but don't we have to? I met with my X last week. We talked and I kept cool. I didn't really bring up our relationship. I said I just wanted to hang out and have fun because we talked way too seriously early on. It was all just talk though. Anyway she wasn't into me. Even after seeing me again, she wasn't showing me any sign of desire. I didn't get any answers to seeing me again. I just left it with "it was nice seeing you". So ya, now I've been out with 2 other women and I have a date tomorrow night with one more. So far I just wasn't into them. I'm doing the comparison thing and it sucks! So in order to help myself out, I broke my new 1 week NC just now in order to get my closure. To know it's over. So that I can start dating and know there is nothing else to think about. I sent a text saying. It would have been nice to spend time together with the better weather. She broke with me in mid winter. If I get no response then I feel I can move on. At least get out of the comparison mode. Anyone else in this situation??
Hopeless Girl Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Yea, for me its the other way around. He was so into me for 3 months then dumped me 2 weeks later he asked me out again and one week later he told me to take a break. He also told me NC for 3 months exact (he even put a date to it) but for me its a break up. I bet if I see him again it'll be the same . Hes gonna act or hes not gonna care. Its their issues to urs. My guy is going to therapy, and hopes that in the future we start "dating" again. Every day feels better for me hope u can get over it
VJohnson32 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Are the kids yours as well? Maybe you should look up "dating women with kids" first before you do it again. Their love is directed towards the kids most, second comes the maternal love (babys daddy) and lastly you come in. Its a whole different game, very complicated and not many people can pull it off. Been there and DONT ever want to do it again. Give yourself time and go NC. No need to start dating right away. The comparison phrase will die out with time. As long as you keep strict NC.
Hopeless Girl Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I meant to say.. Its their issues not urs***
VJohnson32 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I meant to say.. Its their issues not urs*** My reply is none of your concern, so please dont criticize and stay hopeless...
Hopeless Girl Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) My reply is none of your concern, so please dont criticize and stay hopeless... what the **** r u talking about dip****.. i didnt mean you.. i meant something i wrote that i wrote it wrong on my 1st comment dumbass .. and it was suppose to say 'its her issue not urs"... ****in ******* Edited April 12, 2011 by Hopeless Girl
Author longterm Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Ok ok.. Let's not fight here. No, the kids are not mine. I was extremely good with them. I sent my letter and got a very good response. An honest response and we will probably be friends. Which means friends with bennies since we are both attracted. I totally understand that the kids give you everything she wants. Well, not everything, but she also has a lot going on right now and has no time to give. She also doesnt want to be married nor does she think she wants another child. These were things that we discussed early on... much too soon. Anyway, I looked at all of this and I was much better off when we both didnt get discouraged from what we wanted in life. Just enjoying each other and whatever happens, happens. I think we will be friends but she's thinking about it. She is working on her MBA and raising kids and also worried about her job/career. I am pretty sure in my case, that it will work out. I had my own issues about getting into this in a serious way anyway. I didn't really think that I could be in such a large family. There would be 3 total if I had a kid with her. That's a lot and there is also her X who has custody and is a total prick. I think I am better off just having fun with her. She was always cool with that but just have to get by this issue for now. Anyway, my real question here is about "comparison". Have any of you been on dates lately and are seeing that you compare your dates to your X because its too soon? Go to get out there though.
Hopeless Girl Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 yes ,, and u cant do that ur just fooling urself comparing dating with ur ex ... people are different.. it totally means ur not over her .. if u date just relax and have fun with that person for what she is
Author longterm Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Thanks Hopeless. I totally agree. I think that I will be ok later and reality was that I just wasn't attracted to the past women. Just brought up my curiousity to see if others had the same issue out there. I have a date tonight and I'll relax and see how it goes. I don't think you're hopeless anymore. You sure have a good amount of knowledge on the dating and break up. I know we have a hard time listening to ourselves though.
Hopeless Girl Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Thanks Hopeless. I totally agree. I think that I will be ok later and reality was that I just wasn't attracted to the past women. Just brought up my curiousity to see if others had the same issue out there. I have a date tonight and I'll relax and see how it goes. I don't think you're hopeless anymore. You sure have a good amount of knowledge on the dating and break up. I know we have a hard time listening to ourselves though. Have fun!! relax !! drink.. let loose..talk about everything... just be ur happy self
Author longterm Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 I did.. I was. and oh yes, I drank! There wasn't any chemistry with her though. Lots of fun to talk to so maybe I will go out again. I got my response from X, BTW. She gave me solid honest answers to the break and offered the friend thing. Pressure was the big issue with us. She brought upon herself though. It wasn't done by me. I am 40 and she is 32 with 2 kids. The kids are her life of course and she is really into raising them right and into her career right now. She knows I am at a state where I want to be married and have a kid. She simply stopped the relationship because too many other things have come up. She is not even on that page and doesn't know if she wants any of it. So, FRIENDS came up... I took it but with the comment that whatever happens, happens. To also just get rid of this pressure she has and just be free to do what we want again. She's thinking about it now. So... NC once again! She asked me to try to find a necklace of hers last night while I was out. I responded to that though.. Ya, I was dumb.. Offered her to come by and go for a run and she can then have a look for herself... She liked the offer but has plans with her sister this weekend. So.. NC now and also await any offers from her. BLAH!! This sucks! YOU know this sucks. Ok, back to reviewing everyone else's issues on here and trying to help out. Why can't I follow my own advice?? Geez this bothers me and I am even dating already!! I just need a new woman to come my way that gives me the chemistry, that's all. That's always been the way regardless of this X issue. Hopefully soon something comes about. Friday night is a get together with 300 people... Never know!
nana841121 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Typical symptom of rebound relationship Comparing your ex with your current, speaking about ex all the time with or without mouth. even the negative judgement about ex is also a disguised red flag signal showing rebound
Author longterm Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Yep. You got it. I do think that the next one will work out well and not a rebound though. My X was a rebound. I tend to stick with them regardless of rebound or not if I find I actually like them. The relationship was 6 months with only 4 months of good to it. It just got too serious, too soon and pressure built. Whatever happens, happens. Still though, she is my X and I want her. I should just chill. I know I should. BUT I CANT! If something comes my way, I have to take it, regardless of how I feel. New feelings can be had. Especially when the treatment from X is of no hope at all. The comparison mode sucks. However, if one succeeds in accomplishing the comparison, I think X is history. rebound or not. I'm chillin.
tyler123 Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Longterm- OH boy you are derailing- and it's ok - i suggest take a deep breath, go for a walk and focus on the sun , clouds, whatever IS REALLY in front of you. i thnk we have been crossing paths on other boards here.. my 4yr relationship women has 3 young girls, and i vow i will never date another women with young kids, i want to be a priority i have been settling for being priority # 6 -10 for along time coming up with excuse after excuse- you will hit your bottom when the time is right. But NC is the way to go.. i am doing it cause i know this fight is a better fight than a lost cause
makelemonade1974 Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I did the comparison thing for a while too - it was like the day after the date was pretty much a guarantee that I would send some sort of mushy text to my ex-boyfriend. What you need to realize is that love or affection, whatever you want to call it at this point, is going to be different with everyone you are with. You may think your ex was the best ever because the brain wants to hold on to good memories and forget the bad ones. I bet your ex was awful in quite a few ways and that there is someone else out there that blows her away. Maybe you need to re-evaluate why you think she is so awesome and knock her off her pedestal. Find somebody really different than her - dramatically different. If you didn't like the fact that she wore so much makeup - find an earthy girl. If you didn't like that she talked too much, find an introvert, etc. etc. The guy I'm with right now is SO different than my ex and that is part of what is so fantastic about him. He's a breath of fresh air. Sometimes we are just not ready to date. You may need to wait a few months and be alone for a while. Find yourself again as an independent person. It's different for everyone - took my 6 months before I could even see myself with somebody else. You have to have closure of some sorts. But quit comparing - there are so many women out there that look fabulous and they are all different - they all have something to teach you and give you. Look inside them and see what interests you. Good luck! It gets better, I promise.
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