Exposure: Effects?

[thomasb]

Exposure of the affair was brought up on another thread. I thought it was an interesting discussion topic. At the time, I definitely didn't like it! It was humiliating and my embarrassment because of what I'd done was horrible. My wife told everyone we knew. It killed me and any remnants of the affair very effectively. I wouldn't even look at the OW at work after that!

What were others' experiences with this?

[bentnotbroken]

I hid nothing. On the advice of my therapist...it was time for me to get real. About the affair and about things in general. She told me to clean house...all of the house. So I threw a lot of skeletons out of the closet; his and mine. I didn't give a damn if he or she were embarrassed. Not my problem.

[SidLyon]

Exposure of the affair was brought up on another thread. I thought it was an interesting discussion topic. At the time, I definitely didn't like it! It was humiliating and my embarrassment because of what I'd done was horrible. My wife told everyone we knew. It killed me and any remnants of the affair very effectively. I wouldn't even look at the OW at work after that!

What were others' experiences with this?

 

I told people too. I did feel humiliated by and ashamed of what he'd done, but I realised that he was the one that really ought to feel humiliated and shamed.

 

I had no idea how things would go and just assumed our marriage was over, so I was going to make sure that people knew why it was over. There was not going to be any pretending that they'd somehow met and gotten together after we split.

 

I also told members of the OW's family including her adult son and parents-in-law. At the time I believed this would have devastated them because her H had recently died. I Found out 18 months later, that she'd been having another affair with another MM at the time of her H's death and that other MM had already left his BW and family for the OW by the time I told her son and parent-in-law. So hopefully they already knew of her infidelities before I told them, so I kind of hope that my news wasn't so unexpected to them.

 

I agree Thomas that exposure is a very effective tool in stopping the continuation of a "cake-eating" affair.

[seibert253]

Everyone who asked, "hey you don't look so good, what's going on?" got the full story.

"No I don't look good because my W is having an A".

Man I told everyone including her family and friends.

All of them laid into her about it.

My FWW later admitted to me it was one of the things that cleared her out of the fog, and knocked back onto my side of the fence.

[Spark1111]

Interesting thread, thomasb!

 

When confronted with four days of evidence gathering by me after intercepting a text between them, the first words out of his mouth was: Please don't tell anyone.

 

I told the world! And I told him to go get his soulmate! I was absolutely devastated to have been lied to for so long. That, and his emotional distance and constant criticizing of us, hurt more than his having developed feelings for some else and having an affair!

 

We could have separated and gone to MC to see if there was a marriage worth saving while he pursued his feelings towards her. As much as that would have hurt, we would have respected that honesty so much more than the deception and personality changes we had to endure.

 

Still in the fog, he alternated between anger that I had done so, and tears that I had done so, but I was convinced we were so over.

 

No one was more stunned than I that living with his soulmate turned out to be the last thing he wanted. But I really resisted reconciliation until he proved to me it was truly over with her; that he was truly remorseful for his actions; and that he was willing to change towards me.

 

Initially, after DDay, I felt that we were a knee-jerk reaction to maintaining the status quo, and I refused as a woman to be anyone's default choice.

[ver13]

If you don't tell the truth how can you ever get to the real reasons for what has happened in your M. I told everyone and would do it again a trillion times over. What did I have to hide in the first place, it was the hiding that got us where we were period.

[drifter777]

I guess I'm a very different cat. I didn't tell a soul that my wife cheated because I was ashamed of myself for not immediately leaving her. We had a young son and I found I just couldn't walk away from him. I made it clear that if it happened again that I would not hesitate to leave and find a way to continue to be a good father and she knew me well enough to believe me. She also told me that it was over and she loved and wanted me. Funny, but I really didn't care about what she said other than the "it's over" part. I suffered through many years of visuals and the rage and shame they caused, and it continues to this day. I have seen several counselors over the years for depression and I never shared my wife's cheating with any of them because I simply couldn't bear the shame. During a relatively recent bout with depression I found a new counselor and finally was able to open up about the incident. It took this long because this is how long it took for me to be ready to face this thing.

 

It's interesting to hear cheaters say that it was horrifying for their spouse to expose them and that it may have helped them end the affair or whatever. I think the decision to expose your spouse's affair is personal and there is no right or wrong answer.

[Owl]

Drifter...what have you done to "deal with" this issue?

 

If you've not told the counselors...how could you expect them to truly be able to help you?

 

What did you and your wife do together to recover/repair the marriage from the damage she'd done?

 

What have you done to address how this whole situation has made you feel towards your wife as a result of her actions?

 

It sounds as though you tried to just ignore it and drive on...it doesn't sound as though any of these issues were actually "dealt with" in any fashion.

[silktricks]

I'm not a big fan of exposure, and am a huge fan of the golden rule, so there was no exposure from me. I don't know how much that would have changed in other circumstances, but for us and our situation I know I made the correct choice. We had less extraneous fallout to deal with, fewer family issues and our healing was more easily accomplished.

 

My choice wouldn't be right for a lot of others, but it was right for us.

[drifter777]

Drifter...what have you done to "deal with" this issue?

 

If you've not told the counselors...how could you expect them to truly be able to help you?

 

As I posted:

During a relatively recent bout with depression I found a new counselor and finally was able to open up about the incident. It took this long because this is how long it took for me to be ready to face this thing.

 

While I'm sure that my wife's cheating was a major contributor to my depression, it wasn't the only thing I had to work on. I believe that work sort of "moved" me down the recovery road until I am finally ready to tackle this incident.

 

 

What did you and your wife do together to recover/repair the marriage from the damage she'd done?

 

She told me it would never happen again and I assured her I would leave if it ever did. When she proposed our reconciliation, she volunteered all of the gory details for reasons unknown to me. I was afraid to start my life over and I couldn't bear the thought of her raising my son without me around so I decided to tough it out and see if I could make it work.

 

What have you done to address how this whole situation has made you feel towards your wife as a result of her actions?

 

Personal research on infidelity, recovery, and forgiveness. Recently I have begun to discuss it with my counselor. Time has helped in that the pictures have dulled a little and they don't intrude into my mind as often. I live with the animosity and bitterness I feel toward her because that's all I can do right now.

 

It sounds as though you tried to just ignore it and drive on...it doesn't sound as though any of these issues were actually "dealt with" in any fashion.

 

I wish I could just ignore it, but I have "dealt with" this nightmare since it occurred. I wouldn't argue with anyone that says I have handled it all wrong, but 20/20 hindsight doesn't help me now.

 

 

I'm working with a counselor and am not sure what lies ahead. I have told my wife as much and she continues to encourage me to work on it as she has been praying for years that I "get over it".

[Owl]

OK...so the bottom line is that you still harbor resentment and anger at your wife.

 

You've never "forgiven her".

 

Have the two of you tried marriage counseling together? Tried to find a counselor who can work with BOTH of you to learn how to forgive your wife, and help you move into the present and out of the past? Discussed with a marriage counselor what needs to happen in order for you to heal the marriage from this rift?

 

I understand that you've tried individual counseling, but it's only been recently that you've disclosed the truth of why you're angry/depressed with your wife and marriage.

 

So what are you doing to change that situation? You've researched on infidelity...but has that helped or hindered your recovery?

 

Have you discussed with your therapist what to do when you have those "mental movies"? Talked about coping tactics to help you deal with your anger/depression with the situation?

 

Don't take me wrong...I get that it's hard to deal with. I'm just trying to help you look for ways that you can help yourself to do so.

[What_Next]

On D-day I basically lost it and I told my family, her family and some of our friends as well. I regret that. I really do. Most of my close friends and my family knew we were going through a VERY rough time anyway so most weren't all that surprised. I know how how much anger and rage I had on that day and immeadiately following. The exposure did re-enforce NC with my wifes AP though. That's about the only positive impact.

 

Once I went and made a bad situation even worse by engaging in a revenge affair I was fully aware that my wife would likely expose what I was doing as well. She didn't. At least not to our friends, only our families. I would not have blamed her one single bit if she did.

 

Therefore I've seen both sides of this and I can say I am not really decided whether or not exposure is a good thing or not. In some cases I think it is, in some cases I think it isn't. It's hard to find an absolute.

 

As an aside, drifter I am quite happy to read that you are attempting to deal with your wife's infidelity now properly. It doesn't matter how long ago it occured (despite what some posters will tell you ) if it wasn't dealt with it ISN'T dealt with. It needs to be. Good luck.

[Snowflower]

On D-day I basically lost it and I told my family, her family and some of our friends as well. I regret that. I really do. Most of my close friends and my family knew we were going through a VERY rough time anyway so most weren't all that surprised.

 

-snip-

 

Very similar to what I experienced^^^except that my H did the telling to some members of his own family.

 

In my shock and utter devastation I told some friends and a couple of family members. Most weren't completely surprised because we had been having some real problems anyway.

 

I'm a fairly private person and even those few people who know...well, it is still too many as far as I'm concerned. Particularly the two family members who seem to think of less of ME for staying...

 

But, I can understand why some BS do expose to everyone. It is effective and forces the WS to have some accountability for their actions to more than just their BS.

 

It just wasn't my choice to tell all to everyone.

[Spark1111]

Very similar to what I experienced^^^except that my H did the telling to some members of his own family.

 

In my shock and utter devastation I told some friends and a couple of family members. Most weren't completely surprised because we had been having some real problems anyway.

 

I'm a fairly private person and even those few people who know...well, it is still too many as far as I'm concerned. Particularly the two family members who seem to think of less of ME for staying...

 

But, I can understand why some BS do expose to everyone. It is effective and forces the WS to have some accountability for their actions to more than just their BS.

 

It just wasn't my choice to tell all to everyone.

 

Snowflower, I empathize with you.

 

I am amazed HOW MANY friends told me 'if it was my husband I'd be gone.'

 

Everyone says that until it happens to them. Statistically, many, many married couples choose reconciliation....at least, initially.

 

Those that truly loved he and me and "us" prayed we would work it out, and their support has been invaluable during tough times.

 

Those that denigrated my decision or still do not understand it, are certainly not a friend to the marriage or us. I do not miss them that much at all.

[Snowflower]

 

Those that denigrated my decision or still do not understand it, are certainly not a friend to the marriage or us. I do not miss them that much at all.

 

Unfortunately, they are immediate family members so I can't just "lose them" like I would an unsupportive friend.

 

It's why I usually recommend using caution when telling mutual friends and/or family members. If these are people who will continue to be an active part of your life, do you really want them knowing all the intimate, dark secrets of your marriage?

[thomasb]

Snowflower, I empathize with you.

 

I am amazed HOW MANY friends told me 'if it was my husband I'd be gone.'

 

Everyone says that until it happens to them. Statistically, many, many married couples choose reconciliation....at least, initially.

 

Those that truly loved he and me and "us" prayed we would work it out, and their support has been invaluable during tough times.

 

Those that denigrated my decision or still do not understand it, are certainly not a friend to the marriage or us. I do not miss them that much at all.

 

My wife and I also subscribe to only having friends of the marriage.

[What_Next]

My wife and I also subscribe to only having friends of the marriage.

 

Amen Thomas. Amen indeed.

 

There were a few people (friends/family) that did not agree with my decision to attempt a reconciliation. My response to them was simple, either respect my decision or not, the choice is yours. If you choose not to then I understand but I will not be party to any discussion that goes against our (OUR) will to try and work things out. Sadly there have been some family members which have been cut out of our lives, so be it.

[drifter777]

OK...so the bottom line is that you still harbor resentment and anger at your wife.

 

You've never "forgiven her".

 

Correct. I am able to compartmentalize it so that it has little effect on day-to-day life, and when it flares up I go do something to divert my mind. Occasionally these flare-ups lead to a discussion and I tell her that I should have left and we should never have reconciled and she says she is happy I stayed and sorry for what she did and all that crap. I don't want to waste my energy in marriage counseling because I don't believe it can possible help me. The simple issue is that she cheated and nothing will ever change that fact or make it "ok" for me.

[Snowflower]

The simple issue is that she cheated and nothing will ever change that fact or make it "ok" for me.

 

Then, as one fBS to another, why did you stay in the marriage so long?

 

If you're that unhappy and it has never been okay for you then why spend your life in misery?

 

Life is short and we only get one. Don't waste any more time that you have on this earth and go find what will make you happy.

[drifter777]

Then, as one fBS to another, why did you stay in the marriage so long?

 

If you're that unhappy and it has never been okay for you then why spend your life in misery?

 

Life is short and we only get one. Don't waste any more time that you have on this earth and go find what will make you happy.

 

What is fBS? Is there a glossary of these abbreviations somewhere?

 

I've posted my story before but let's just say that my life has been very complex and cannot be defined by a single instance of emotional injury. If I could go back and change things knowing what I know now I would, but what good does that do me? For whatever reason I am finding myself more willing to confront this issue over the past few months so I guess I'm finally ready.

[Snowflower]

What is fBS? Is there a glossary of these abbreviations somewhere?

 

I've posted my story before but let's just say that my life has been very complex and cannot be defined by a single instance of emotional injury. If I could go back and change things knowing what I know now I would, but what good does that do me? For whatever reason I am finding myself more willing to confront this issue over the past few months so I guess I'm finally ready.

 

fBS = former betrayed spouse

 

I use the term because I'm not a recently betrayed spouse and because it was something that happened to me in almost another life now.

 

You're right...you can't change the past. We all work through things in our own time.

 

I wish you the very best of luck going forward and that you are able to reach a place of peace.

[NoIDidn't]

I'm not a big fan of exposure, and am a huge fan of the golden rule, so there was no exposure from me. I don't know how much that would have changed in other circumstances, but for us and our situation I know I made the correct choice. We had less extraneous fallout to deal with, fewer family issues and our healing was more easily accomplished.

 

My choice wouldn't be right for a lot of others, but it was right for us.

 

If I remember your story correctly, you were separated and seeing someone yourself as well, right?

 

Either way, I'm not trying to call you out, just noting, based on my memory, that when both are stepping out of the marriage they tend not to expose for fear of having to expose themselves. I was testing the waters of an EA myself, but completely turned away from it just days before D-day.

 

I told our fathers because I was asking both of them about his strange behaviors. I could get nothing out of my H, not even friendly conversation a few days before D-day. When I snooped and found evidence of another woman, I called them both back and asked how I should handle it.

 

But I told no one about my ex that I was speaking to for a few days and dangerously testing the waters talking about meeting him before I felt guilty and stopped it. I did tell after a few months, and people told me that didn't blame me.

 

I think exposure is highly personal, and it isn't always up to the BS. I've had a friend outed and humiliated by a relative of the OW. The OW was pregnant and dumped by the MM. The OW relative was also sleeping with the MM and was livid to find out that her relative was pregnant by him. She told everyone that would listen until the W found out at work when her best friend told her what had gone around the office that day. I'm not sure what the other OW/relative of OW wanted to achieve, but it didn't end their marriage.

 

I should add that the relative of the OW that was also OW didn't tell a soul that she was sleeping with him too. Which was kind of my point about how exposures seem to be one-sided. She had a child by him a few years later too. Exposure didn't do a thing to him. Or his marriage.

[Spark1111]

If I remember your story correctly, you were separated and seeing someone yourself as well, right?

 

Either way, I'm not trying to call you out, just noting, based on my memory, that when both are stepping out of the marriage they tend not to expose for fear of having to expose themselves. I was testing the waters of an EA myself, but completely turned away from it just days before D-day.

 

I told our fathers because I was asking both of them about his strange behaviors. I could get nothing out of my H, not even friendly conversation a few days before D-day. When I snooped and found evidence of another woman, I called them both back and asked how I should handle it.

 

But I told no one about my ex that I was speaking to for a few days and dangerously testing the waters talking about meeting him before I felt guilty and stopped it. I did tell after a few months, and people told me that didn't blame me.

 

I think exposure is highly personal, and it isn't always up to the BS. I've had a friend outed and humiliated by a relative of the OW. The OW was pregnant and dumped by the MM. The OW relative was also sleeping with the MM and was livid to find out that her relative was pregnant by him. She told everyone that would listen until the W found out at work when her best friend told her what had gone around the office that day. I'm not sure what the other OW/relative of OW wanted to achieve, but it didn't end their marriage.

 

I should add that the relative of the OW that was also OW didn't tell a soul that she was sleeping with him too. Which was kind of my point about how exposures seem to be one-sided. She had a child by him a few years later too. Exposure didn't do a thing to him. Or his marriage.

 

NID, good points here!

 

It is not always the BS who outs the affair to others. Many already know or suspect "something" is up.

 

My H's xOW was a work colleague. About three months after we reconciled, I attended a lecture at their place of employment. As I was leaving, a table of secretarys gasped when they saw me and said, OMG! That's Mr. Spark's wife!

 

Every woman in that building suspected their inappropriate relationship. Many a man too.

 

Who knows who else saw them together a little too much or spotted them out and about?? Which friend or family member started to speculate as I attended more and more events alone as he was soooo often "away on business?"

 

How many friends or family members did she confide in? A thread here suggested an OW tells at least one person. How many people did that one person tell?

 

Look, life IS six degrees of separation. Everyone knows someone who knows he or I or her.

 

I did tell people. I wonder now how many already knew or suspected or weren't the least bit surprised.

[Summer Breeze]

I think rumors and people just figuring it out is a whole different kettle of fish than exposing an A. When I found out about xHs A I went and had a talk with him mother. We were close and I wanted her respect to stay intact so I told her first. I simply told her we had some issues and we weren't going to resolve them so I was packing up the child and leaving. I reassured her of her place in our lives. I told her no matter what she heard or thought I had a part to play in the breakup but I didn't put the last nail in the coffin. To me that was a respectful departure. I would never ever ever ever ever have run to his family or work colleagues and told them about it for the sake of trying to kill the A. That was MY business and I wasn't going to go out and throw the information around with the likelihood it would affect me. That's me though.

 

As far as telling the OWs H. If they had still been living together I would have told him as a courtesy. No details just telling him it was going on and to do with the information what he wanted.

 

On one of the ddays with xMM his W decided to tell all sorts of people and made herself look pretty lame doing it. She went to my boss who asked what it had to do with anyone in the workplace. She went to xMMs colleagues and that had the opposite affect she wanted. I ended up having a conversation that if she said anything more to anyone in my life I would seek legal advice and if I had no recourse I'd start making sure her workmates and associates knew he was having an A as well. She wanted to control who it went to. I can see her desire to do that but I like control as much as the next gal.

 

I'm sure it may well work if the APs work in the same place but personally I still wouldn't do it.