melodymatters Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Wow, haven't started a thread in awhile here ! So, here's the basic situation : I was widowed a little less than two years ago and haven't dated since. After my emotional "recovery period" I moved back to the south (albiet in a new state and town) to roomate with an old pal. It seemed like a good situation for both of us at the time, but his grim, bi-polar,black cloud of a personality made me choose to leave and get my own little apt. by the beach. Ahhhhh at least it's peaceful. BUT, because I now knew officially NO ONE in this whole damned town, I went on Okcupid. (*Note* I recently decided I was ready to date again, and moving just made me sign up a week or so earlier than planned.) Now, my concern : I'm 44 and while still pretty attractive, I've done the math and realize that looks are passing to an extent and want a warm hearted person most of all. So now EVERYBODY seems nice, attractive enough, etc. I know from knowing MYSELF that I am seriously considering people NOW that I wouldn't have in the past. Obviously in some ways this is a good thing, but I'm scared that: A) I'm doing this from hunger. B) Once I get my "mojo" back i might feel like "wow, why did I pick John the overweight mailman, because he was NICE to me when I needed it ? How do you suggest I balance this good trait of being more open minded with my knowledge that I feel so alone that every port in a storm looks welcoming ?
zengirl Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Well, if John, the Overweight Mailman seems nice and you WANT to go on a date with him, I see no harm in a date. You'll probably get your mojo back faster than you think. I would advise taking things slowly to assess that you ARE interested (or aren't) before diving into spending too much time with any one person just because you're lonely, if that's a fear, but other than that, I don't see big worries. Even at 26, I consider people now that I wouldn't have before. . . I just have different criteria now. I think (hope!) as we get older and know ourselves better we stop using the same, stupid criteria everyone else uses and hopefully create some specific to who we are as individuals. If you haven't done that, I'd suggest it, particularly taking some time to think about what you want from a relationship (how you want to feel, what you want the dynamic to be, etc). Of course wanting to feel the guy is cute and gives you butterflies is perfectly acceptable! "Nice" should never be a bad thing, but of course it isn't enough alone.
EasyHeart Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Now, my concern : I'm 44 and while still pretty attractive, I've done the math and realize that looks are passing to an extent and want a warm hearted person most of all. So now EVERYBODY seems nice, attractive enough, etc. I know from knowing MYSELF that I am seriously considering people NOW that I wouldn't have in the past. Obviously in some ways this is a good thing, but I'm scared that: A) I'm doing this from hunger. B) Once I get my "mojo" back i might feel like "wow, why did I pick John the overweight mailman, because he was NICE to me when I needed it ? How do you suggest I balance this good trait of being more open minded with my knowledge that I feel so alone that every port in a storm looks welcoming ?When I read this, I sense some neediness/loneliness, so you might want to reassess whether you're really ready to date again. I lost my fiancee many years ago, and it took me a good 4-5 years until I was ready for any kind of relationship again. Like zengirl said, take it slow. (Only I would say it this way: "Take it slooooooooooow.") Of course, there's various types of "dating", too. You can date for fun or companionship or partnership, and they're completely different things. Your comment (B), though, is pretty much the definition of "rebounding", which may be where you are in your healing process. Rebounding is great for the rebounder (that's you!), but it really, really sucks for the reboundee. It can be really hurtful to John the Mailman if you're just using him as an emotional crutch.
Author melodymatters Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 Thank you Zengirl ! After I wrote that out, I kinda decided the same thing: That I would be honest with everyone that I was JUST reentering the dating scene and wanted to slowly get to know some different people until I could be sure of my actual feelings. I was always a "butterflies" kinda gal, but now I just want to crawl into the lap of anyone that is nice to me, lol ! So maybe take it slow, and make sure I want to kiss them and not just be comforted by them eh ?
zengirl Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Thank you Zengirl ! After I wrote that out, I kinda decided the same thing: That I would be honest with everyone that I was JUST reentering the dating scene and wanted to slowly get to know some different people until I could be sure of my actual feelings. I was always a "butterflies" kinda gal, but now I just want to crawl into the lap of anyone that is nice to me, lol ! So maybe take it slow, and make sure I want to kiss them and not just be comforted by them eh ? You seem like you're very self-aware about it. I think once you get back in the game, it'll seem more natural.
Author melodymatters Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 When I read this, I sense some neediness/loneliness, so you might want to reassess whether you're really ready to date again. I lost my fiancee many years ago, and it took me a good 4-5 years until I was ready for any kind of relationship again. Like zengirl said, take it slow. (Only I would say it this way: "Take it slooooooooooow.") Of course, there's various types of "dating", too. You can date for fun or companionship or partnership, and they're completely different things. Your comment (B), though, is pretty much the definition of "rebounding", which may be where you are in your healing process. Rebounding is great for the rebounder (that's you!), but it really, really sucks for the reboundee. It can be really hurtful to John the Mailman if you're just using him as an emotional crutch. Exactly easy heart ! This is exactly what I am trying to avoid !!! But, at this point, I can not tell the difference as I was TOO picky before ( trust me) and my experience has opened my heart to less than perfect on paper people. So, like I said, It's kind off a positive move that I am being so open, but of course there IS danger that I might swing back. I truly believe being kind to others IS the number one job ANY of us have on this planet so I am not taking this lightly. I do think I am ready to date again, on whatever level the universe presents. I was having love/romance dreams so often and in one my late H was his typical smiling self and more or less gave me permission. I'm sure it was my subconscious, but that alone, was sign enough ! Thanks for responding, like I said it's been a while, so very kind of you to take the time !
alexlakeman Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Just remember as we grow older, the pool becomes smaller of candidates with all the qualities we want, including physical attraction... So, now it's not only good looks, but a balance.. still want / need the good looks, since we are visual, of course, but it might not be #1 anymore..
OliveOyl Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I vascillate between worrying about being too picky, to worrying about being not picky enough. I have currently limited myself to only the men who have contacted me for online dating. I know I could open myself up a lot more if I initiated, and I have nothing against initiating contact, but I'm not quite ready to start that whole process yet. I have other aspects of my life I want to get in order first, anyway. The big issue I'm struggling with is the concept of "quality" (I dislike that term -- but am going to use it anyway) vs. "right for me." I'll explain this further. My stbx... both when I met him, and now, is what women would probably consider a fairly "high quality" guy. He's employed at a stable job earning decent income, he's good-looking, in good shape, and has all his hair, and has a master's degree. He's a nice person, easy to talk with, intelligent, can be funny and charming when he wants to be, reasonably well-read. You get my gist. Yet despite all this, we don't work as a couple anymore. It's complicated but I am definitely happier living apart than with him. I know just being picky about the things that are normally considered "quality" will not guarantee a happy relationship. So how do I go about looking for the right guy? Some degree of attraction is important, but I know it's not about having all one's hair (for example), or even having a certain level of income (I don't need/care about someone else's income at this stage in my life). The kind of things that matter to me now are less easily defined to me. As well, the things that are deal-breakers (for example, excessive alcohol consumption) are hard to determine until you really get deeper into a relationship. All the problems with my marriage were things that would probably not surface for the first few months of dating/relationship. If I just wanted a guy who looked good "on paper" I wouldn't be divorcing my stbx. It's a quality of connection, of intimacy that I want, but I don't know how to screen for that.
Author melodymatters Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Thank you Olive ! Sounds like our situations are similar ! I too had many " good on paper" "perfect couple" R's that left me sadder but wiser. Ironically my late husband was SO wrong : age ( he was way younger) education, income, etc, but we were SO happy. That taught me to look outside that damned box everyone talks about. And you are right, so many of the things we adults look for, are things that can't/won't be seen until one is IN a relationship. Um, I guess this is where I lift a glass and toast to our LUCK, because the longer I live, the more I believe.....that it all boils down to luck/right place/right time more than any sort of elegant design ! (I am not trying to be edgy here, this page is loading funky and I can't join the paragraphs)
notuneak Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Sounds to me like being married to or husband taught you that two people can be completely "wrong" on paper, but can be perfectly happy together. Good lesson to learn. Good luck to you. I think you'll do just fine.
curlygirl40 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Now, my concern : I'm 44 and while still pretty attractive, I've done the math and realize that looks are passing to an extent and want a warm hearted person most of all. So now EVERYBODY seems nice, attractive enough, etc. I know from knowing MYSELF that I am seriously considering people NOW that I wouldn't have in the past. Obviously in some ways this is a good thing, but I'm scared that: A) I'm doing this from hunger. B) Once I get my "mojo" back i might feel like "wow, why did I pick John the overweight mailman, because he was NICE to me when I needed it ? How do you suggest I balance this good trait of being more open minded with my knowledge that I feel so alone that every port in a storm looks welcoming ? Hi Melody! Well I can't relate to your exact situation with being a widow, but I did just enter the dating world again after 20 years, and my experience might help you some. After dating a few different guys I have been reflecting lately and have finally come to the conclusion something that my friends have been telling me for a while. And that is that everyone will be in your life for a reason, to serve a purpose. It might be for a little piece of time, or it might be for a long time. But they are all there for a reason. In my case there was X. X came along during my separation, and I wasn't quite ready to throw myself back out there plus for moral and ethical reasons I wasn't ready to take things further with him until my Divorce was further along. I had just lost a bunch of weight and had been miserable and unhappy for many years before that. X made me feel alive and sexy! He was AWESOME for my self esteem. Lots of flirty texts. To this day I can thank him for the last 20 lbs I lost, for those cute jeans that I bought, for wearing my hair down most of the time. He made me feel good about myself which helped me carry myself differently after 20 years of abuse and neglect. Then came along Y. (he would be my overweight mailman). Y was SOOOOO incredibly nurturing during a time in my life that I just wanted someone to hold me and not let me go. That's how I felt at the time. That man loved me so much. And he was caring and nurturing. He would not be the kind of guy who I would notice or be attracted to if I met him out in public. But we met online and by the time I met him in person I felt this crazy connection to him. We dated for a few months only, but he was crazy in love with me and it felt good at the time. I've never been loved like that before, that unconditional, hair in a pony tail and sweatpants and he was enamored kind of way. But his emotions scared the crap out of me, it was way too much for me. I kept saying 'too much, too soon!'. I had to let him go. But he was good for me at the time, at a time that I needed to feel loved. Then there was Z. I felt this instant chemistry with him the minute we locked eyes. Turned out to be a player. We had a great first week and then it fizzled. Now I know what to look for and I know some of the red flags. Another lesson learned. So sorry I really didn't mean to hijack your thread. Just saying, do what feels right at the time. You need to be loved and nurtured and if it feels good, do it. When it stops feeling good to you, stop doing it. Keep it simple for now. It's a journey and every man you date will serve a purpose for you. And if you realize that now, you won't look back and think 'what was I thinking?'. You'll know that it was right for you then. It would be one thing if you were intentionally using people for some gain. But you're not. You're finding your way back. Enjoy the journey. Be honest with everyone you come in contact with about where you are emotionally. Don't feel guilt. It's a wasted emotion when you're not intentionally hurting anyone.
Author melodymatters Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 curlygirl, I saved your post ! It was like a warm hug, thank you SO much. I can relate to all of your stories, and I am taking comfort in your words. Thanks XOXO
curlygirl40 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Awww, thanks! I have had so many friends pave the way for me and help me that it feels good to pay it forward. I think if I had listened to them more then I would have enjoyed the past handful of months even more. It's hard to relax and not overthink everything that's for sure!
start-fresh Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Mel, I was here when the news broke about your husband's accident. It was truly horrible and so many people were pulling for you. I just wanted to say it's good to see you're on the road to recovery and looking to start dating again. Take care.
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