Six Months On

[GreenPolicy]

Saturday will be 26 weeks and exactly half a year since my ex broke things off. Story is here for anybody who is interested:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/

 

To be completely honest, I have healed quite a bit in this time, but it still hurts quite a bit and I still think about her a lot. I've done some casual dating, and I've even gotten laid a few times, but I haven't met anybody yet that I've fallen for the way I did with my ex.

 

I can look back and say that the first three months were as bad as it gets. I obsessed and fixated on her to the detriment of taking care of myself as best as I could. Because I could not make rational sense of my breakup and I did not see it coming, I went over and over again the same ground in my mind, trying to find answers, trying to make sense out of something that didn't make any sense at all. After about five months, I stopped these unhelpful thought patterns and started to turn the focus towards myself. I know I've made progress when I log on to LS and don't even bother opening the "Do they ever come back?" "What goes through the mind of the dumper?" threads. What my ex thinks and does is not relevant in my day to day life. Because I am in strict NC, it's anybody's guess as to what she is thinking, feeling and doing. I'd rather not know.

 

It was around this time that I think I reached acceptance. Acceptance for me meant extinguishing the tiny last bit of hope that this could be undone, or we could be together again in the future. Unfortunately it doesn't mean that happiness and contentment and the end of pain automatically ensue. It just means I accept the reality that she is gone, the relationship is over, and for my own mental health, I need to practice NC and assume the breakup is permanent.

 

My acceptance is as follows: "My ex left me and I did not see it coming. It really hurt. It doesn't make sense. It will never make sense. The questions that I had at the beginning, I will never get the answers. I probably don't want the answers even if I could have them. I don't have to like it, but I do have to live with the results. I am committed to healing so I can be ready for the next great romantic opportunity that presents itself."

 

I do miss her a lot. We didn't fight or have a lot of drama. There were a lot of good times and good memories. I think the hardest part about not having her around anymore is being able to give love to somebody else. It put me in touch with the noblest and deepest part of myself. It allowed me to commune with the best part of my nature. I don't know that she has that capacity to love as much as I do. You don't have to be in a relationship to be a good and moral person, but I completely understand now the phrase "Behind every good man is a good woman." When you have somebody that you love and inspires you, you don't want to let them down. You want to make them proud. You want to prove yourself worthy of them. More than anything, I miss having her and her love as an inspiration to be the best possible person I can be. It's not that I can't achieve and do good things without her, but there's something about being in a loving relationship that once you've had it and lost it, being single again feels hollow in a way that it didn't before.

 

I can tell that I've healed quite a bit, but I was hoping that the pain would have ebbed some by now. Anybody at the one year mark or later have any advice for what to expect next? Or any healing tips?

[Nick71]

I'm only at 12 weeks since break-up and 10 weeks NC

(I did send a short email while drunk recently but realised next day I typed the address wrong thankfully, it was no longer in my address book, phew!)

 

As my story echoes yours GP I'm happy to read the stage you have reached and look forward to approaching acceptance and relief from the pain.

I still struggle on a daily basis and have to really snap myself out of it!

 

I'm still praying for an answer as my mind cannot process the sudden, unexplained disappearance of my fiancee.

This unreasonable thought process is all that is holding me back and keeping me awake and stressed.

 

I too am here hourly, only looking for the inspiring posts and trying to find help and optimism anywhere I can.

 

Thanks GP

[GreenPolicy]

 

As my story echoes yours GP I'm happy to read the stage you have reached and look forward to approaching acceptance and relief from the pain.

I still struggle on a daily basis and have to really snap myself out of it!

 

It still hurts quite a bit. I thought acceptance meant relief from the pain, but it's only lessened it. As my love for her was deep, so is the pain from losing her. I'll put it this way: right after the breakup, on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst, and 0 being no pain, on a good day the pain was a 7 or 8, and on a bad day it was a 9 or 10. And there were a lot of bad days. Right now, on a good day the pain is a 3 or a 4, and on a bad day the pain is a 6 or 7.

 

I'm still praying for an answer as my mind cannot process the sudden, unexplained disappearance of my fiancee. This unreasonable thought process is all that is holding me back and keeping me awake and stressed.

 

Well, what you are looking for is a logical and rational answer to what she did. You are not going to find one. It took me a long time to reach that conclusion, and I don't want you to waste as much time as I did struggling to find answers. You probably DON'T want to know the answers to the questions you have. So my advice is to save your mental energy for something else - mainly you and your life and what you can do to improve it.

 

I read your story. Your ex is a coward, and she's selfish. You know you don't want somebody like that as part of your future. The person that you loved, the person that you were with, that person doesn't exist anymore, if she ever did. Your grief is mostly losing love, but it's amplified by the fact that you can't make heads or tails of it, and you are probably also coming to the realization that your ex is not quite the person that you thought she was, and even if you did get back together, you couldn't trust her to not bail again. You'd never feel confident about the relationship or it's future. I'm sure you never in a million years thought she would cowardly break up with you via courier. I never in a million years thought my ex would do what she did. We have been confronted with a reality that doesn't sync up with our inner beliefs.

 

If you need to talk, you can always send me a PM once you reach 100 posts.

[J0N]

I'm right there with you GP. Keep it up!

[GreenPolicy]

JON, I have the opposite problem, I've always wondered if I did too much. I never called, texted, emailed, IM'd, sought out her friends and family, showed up unannounced at her job or apartment. I made two post breakup gestures: Five days after she dumped me, I sent her a bouquet of her favorite flowers (gerber daisies) and a note that read: "I love you. I miss you. My heart aches for you." And then two weeks after the breakup, I mailed her a letter that just basically said that I respected her decision, but that I thought what we had was worth trying to save and I would like to try couples counseling before we walked away. Other than that, total NC.

[J0N]

No, I don't think you did too much. I have been through a situation where a girl does too much (I was the dumper). Showing up unannounced at my home/work, calling, texting, flowers, etc. comes off as psycho and usually just drives the dumper away. Which is exactly what my previous ex did to me, drove me far far away. That stuff may work in the movies, but definitely not in the real world.

 

I think what you did was fine, and maybe if she was conflicted about her decision she would have given you another shot. However since she never responded, it should be obvious that she was finished. I never reached out to my ex saying I wanted her back, but I think nothing would have helped anyways. At the time I was so frustrated with the way that she was acting, that I was probably only about a week or so from breaking up with her. She would always say that she just didn't have the time (busy with school and work) to work on things or spend time together. Somehow a week after we broke up she found the time to go on vacation for two weeks in California. She was just making up excuses, she had her mind made up (probably a while before) but she didn't have a valid reason for leaving me. So she just tried to make everything seem like my fault so she could feel better about the whole thing. I am almost sure that this is why she has never reached out to me, because she would never have the courage to face me again. Apologies for the rant. I guess your ex felt the same, nothing was going to change her mind. Who knows it may be why you too have not heard from your ex, she knows what she did was childish and doesn't have the courage to face you either.

Edited April 12, 2011 by J0N

[GreenPolicy]

No, I don't think you did too much. I have been through a situation where a girl does too much (I was the dumper). Showing up unannounced at my home/work, calling, texting, flowers, etc. comes off as psycho and usually just drives the dumper away. Which is exactly what my previous ex did to me, drove me far far away. That stuff may work in the movies, but definitely not in the real world.

 

I think what you did was fine, and maybe if she was conflicted about her decision she would have given you another shot. However since she never responded, it should be obvious that she was finished. I never reached out to my ex saying I wanted her back, but I think nothing would have helped anyways. At the time I was so frustrated with the way that she was acting, that I was probably only about a week or so from breaking up with her. She would always say that she just didn't have the time (busy with school and work) to work on things or spend time together. Somehow a week after we broke up she found the time to go on vacation for two weeks in California. She was just making up excuses, she had her mind made up (probably a while before) but she didn't have a valid reason for leaving me. So she just tried to make everything seem like my fault so she could feel better about the whole thing. I am almost sure that this is why she has never reached out to me, because she would never have the courage to face me again. Apologies for the rant. I guess your ex felt the same, nothing was going to change her mind. Who knows it may be why you too have not heard from your ex, she knows what she did was childish and doesn't have the courage to face you either.

 

If I had to do it over again, I would still send the letter but not the flowers. It's hard to 'ace' a breakup as a dumpee because you're in such a panicked state of mind at the beginning, but I'll give myself an A- and the only blemish being the flowers. I didn't think it was going to make a difference, but I felt sending the letter was therapeutic. I had to get some things off my chest first and tell her. If I hadn't, it would have been much harder down the line to maintain NC. I told her everything I felt needed to be said, and I had some friends look it over first to make sure that it didn't come across as pathetic begging.

[Nick71]

Very true GP and thanks for your honesty.

 

I rack my mind and can only come up with 3 reasons for what she did and not one of those help me.

I guess my self-esteem just wants to hear that the love was true but the family influence was too strong. That's what I tell myself anyway.

I doubt she'll ever find her way back to me, I really believe that expectation is dying daily, just not quite there yet.

 

This afternoon has felt quite normal, pain is a 4/5, yesterday was a little more, Sunday was a nightmare.

The ratio is definately improving but on those bad moments I really am a lost muppet 8/

 

Thanks for reading up on me, I didn't expect that & thought my story was long gone.

 

I'm on here daily learning how people cope and move forward, I just don't post so often as I'm not so good with expressing feelings although I've heard it's helpful to externalise your feelings rather than keep them in.

 

I'll keep reading up on your progress as I'm a few steps behind you.

I hope someone comes forward who is a few steps ahead of you to give you a boost!

[J0N]

While I did try my hardest to do everything by the book, it was really really really hard to do it. There were at least 20 times in those first few weeks/months that i was literally dialing her phone number when somehow someway I stopped myself. Sometimes I think that maybe she justified her decision further when I went NC, maybe she thought, well he didn't even try to get me back so he never really loved me anyway. It is the proverbial "What if" and it can be though to live with. I know that people say "She will respect you more if you just walk away." But if were never going to speak to each other again, who cares what she thinks of me? I guess its better for my own self esteem and well being that we never talk anymore. Its kind of like that quote "The race is long, and in the end its only with yourself." I guess in the end, I justify it all by knowing that I did what was ultimately best for myself. I don't care how she views me, only how I view myself.

 

I wouldn't sweat sending the flowers, other than the $$ you wasted on her by sending them. You loved her, it was worth a shot.

Edited April 12, 2011 by J0N

[GreenPolicy]

I guess my self-esteem just wants to hear that the love was true but the family influence was too strong. That's what I tell myself anyway.

I doubt she'll ever find her way back to me, I really believe that expectation is dying daily, just not quite there yet.

 

All I can say is that it says a lot about her that she would break up by courier and didn't have the courage to end it face to face. It sucks because when somebody pulls a move like that, your brain instantly realizes just how little character and integrity they have and why you wouldn't want a person like that...but your heart cannot reconcile what has just happened with the person you thought you had been in a relationship with.

 

In the case of my ex, she never had to get on board with marriage. It would have been so easy to say "Hey, let's just enjoy being boyfriend/girlfriend for now and table that discussion until we've been together X amount of time." And it's not like I put marriage on the table and she was like "Uh, yeah, sure, that sounds good." No, she initiated that talk and made gestures just as much as I did. Which tells me she was probably sincere at the time she said those things and made those gestures. I mean, five days before she breaks up with me she's telling me what kind of engagement ring she wants. Of course this breakup does not make sense to me. Looking back, I think she contemplated ending things about 4-6 weeks before she actually pulled the trigger...just based on a few things she said here and there and her whole demeanor the last month we were together. But it couldn't have been longer than that. Certain other things she said and did before that, you just don't do when you're planning on leaving somebody.

Edited April 12, 2011 by GreenPolicy

[Nick71]

Damn GP

I was about to defend that cowardly girl for a moment there.

If only life had an undo button too!

 

She did later give the reason for the courier that she had a bit of a breakdown and couldn't leave the house and promised it was not the way she wanted it.

The only kudos to that is that she quit her important job the same day to go home and work out what to say to me.

 

Still not an answer though. Just me pathetically defending her when I really shouldn't be.

Seems I'm allowed all my bad thoughts and disappointment in her but I defend her against others still. Silly boy :/

 

Yes, I just realized that after deleting all the defending her text I simply re-typed it in a watered-down version. Eek!

[GreenPolicy]

Damn GP

I was about to defend that cowardly girl for a moment there.

If only life had an undo button too!

 

She did later give the reason for the courier that she had a bit of a breakdown and couldn't leave the house and promised it was not the way she wanted it.

The only kudos to that is that she quit her important job the same day to go home and work out what to say to me.

 

Still not an answer though. Just me pathetically defending her when I really shouldn't be.

Seems I'm allowed all my bad thoughts and disappointment in her but I defend her against others still. Silly boy :/

 

Yes, I just realized that after deleting all the defending her text I simply re-typed it in a watered-down version. Eek!

 

Nick,

 

I didn't mean to imply that your ex is a bad person. Far from it. If she didn't have many wonderful qualities, you wouldn't have fallen in love with her. But the reality is that in comparison to us, they are weak. What she did was weak. Sometimes people aren't bad, but they have unhealthy and immature ways of going about things and leave a trail of wreckage in their wake. That's how I choose to think about my ex.

[J0N]

Nick,

 

I didn't mean to imply that your ex is a bad person. Far from it. If she didn't have many wonderful qualities, you wouldn't have fallen in love with her. But the reality is that in comparison to us, they are weak. What she did was weak. Sometimes people aren't bad, but they have unhealthy and immature ways of going about things and leave a trail of wreckage in their wake. That's how I choose to think about my ex.

 

Me too, a big trail of wreckage...

[Nick71]

Cheers friends

 

I feel I actually may go to bed tonight with some peace.

 

She's not a bad person but her actions were bad.

She probably doesn't even know yet.

 

I just had the strangest positive vibe tonight.

 

I worked for national TV in London for a time 10 years or so ago and remember a researcher who was struggling but made good.

In about 2005 ish he wrote a great book.

 

It's probably one of my favourite books of all time by an English guy called Danny Wallace. The book is far better than the movie but I have just watched the movie for the 1st time. It's called Yes Man with Jim Carey.

 

Of course it is a ridiculous comedy but there's really some aspects of the movie that have lightened my load.

 

Take care good people and speak to you soon!

[MovingOn13]

Glad your healing man...i am at the 3 month mark and some days i still feel so lost.

 

My ex dumped me in the most passive aggressive way possible. She also put up the excuses to place blame on me to validate what ever reason she had.

 

I have been in NC ever since. We were both each others first love dated for 5 years. I understand we were essentially kids dating ( we are 20) and i think my pain stems from the emotional bond that went beyond the relationship of gf and bf.

 

I hope that by the time i reach 6 months i am in much better shape.

 

The day we broke up ( i officially found out via fb how pathetic eh?) i went to her apartment just to do it face to face and since then I havn't talked to her. I didn't beg or plead or send flowers. I would have fought for her but i feel like the battle was already lost and she never contacted me since then but i took the initiative in NC and deleted her from bbm and fb.

 

Stay strong man there is no timeframe for these things just take it a day at a time.

[GreenPolicy]

Sometimes I just wonder where I'm supposed to be at six months. I broke down a little at the end of my 12-step meeting last night. We were talking about the concept of autonomy, and the first time around the circle I passed, because I didn't know what to say that applied to the subject. The second time around I had a better idea, so I said that when it came to autonomy, I had to respect my ex's autonomy and her right to end things, even though I didn't like or agree with it, and how important it was to maintain my dignity and self-respect by respecting her autonomy and not chase after her...and that it didn't matter if her reasons for ending things were very well-thought out and logical and the result of careful deliberation about long-term compatibility between the two of us, or if it was the result of short-sighted fear and emotion. The end result is the same: she doesn't want to be with me.

 

I've been feeling really down this week, and I think it's because Saturday will be exactly six months, a milestone. In some ways this whole breakup feels so fresh and new, like it happened yesterday, because of the magnitude of what happened. And in other ways, because time seems to slow down when you're going through something like this, it feels like it happened a year ago, if that makes sense.

 

I can tell that I've made progress, in that I think more about what I need to do to improve my life, I've done some casual dating, I have been able to laugh again and do things with my friends again. But I feel like I have so much more healing to do, that I'm nowhere close where I want to be.

[J0N]

I know what your saying about being down this week. I have been too, her memory has also been keeping me up at night. This is getting really old. In other news I'm 7 days from 6 months since we split/ NC myself.

[Byren]

Your posts really sang out to me, I feel exactly what you're saying gp.

 

My ex and I broke up four months ago last Wednesday. For ages I felt horrible, there was nothing I could do. I tried all of the begging crap and then eventually decided to back up and say away.. several times (I always broke NC eventually.) The last time I spoke to her was almost three weeks ago now.

I felt great a couple of weeks ago, like I'd healed, could live without her (but would still would prefer the alternative)... the healed feeling was short lived and now I'm feeling just as bad as I did on day one.

 

Since the split I've really tried to do everything I can to live my life, and the sad thing is that I feel as though everything from my side that tore us apart has been fixed, but she can't see/believe that.

 

I can't get across, yet I'm sure a lot of people here can understand, how much I need her back in my life. I want nothing more than to start a fresh, fulfilling relationship with her.

 

Just know that you're not alone with your feelings. I often find myself thinking about how many people I walk past on the street have just been through a breakup - somehow it makes me feel a little stronger knowing that most people have to deal with this at some point in their lives and yet they still manage to blast through the sh*t and make it to the other side.

[GreenPolicy]

Your posts really sang out to me, I feel exactly what you're saying gp.

 

My ex and I broke up four months ago last Wednesday. For ages I felt horrible, there was nothing I could do. I tried all of the begging crap and then eventually decided to back up and say away.. several times (I always broke NC eventually.) The last time I spoke to her was almost three weeks ago now.

I felt great a couple of weeks ago, like I'd healed, could live without her (but would still would prefer the alternative)... the healed feeling was short lived and now I'm feeling just as bad as I did on day one.

 

Since the split I've really tried to do everything I can to live my life, and the sad thing is that I feel as though everything from my side that tore us apart has been fixed, but she can't see/believe that.

 

I can't get across, yet I'm sure a lot of people here can understand, how much I need her back in my life. I want nothing more than to start a fresh, fulfilling relationship with her.

 

Just know that you're not alone with your feelings. I often find myself thinking about how many people I walk past on the street have just been through a breakup - somehow it makes me feel a little stronger knowing that most people have to deal with this at some point in their lives and yet they still manage to blast through the sh*t and make it to the other side.

 

I think what it is is that tomorrow is six months. Six months isn't long enough to completely heal from a breakup of this magnitude, but it's enough time to make some progress in having healed, and it is a significant amount of time. It's half the time we were together. It's 1/66th of my life. I've now spent 1/66th of my life in pain over this girl. It was quite an emotional, physical and mental adjustment to not being in a relationship with her anymore - having a different routine on the weekends, getting used to the fact that she was not in my life anymore. It's now "normal" to be single again, and the feeling of what it's like to be with her is fading.

 

And I think that kind of hurts, because when I think back to being with her, I remember those feelings of happiness, contentment and safety, and so far without her I have not been happy, not been at peace, and I have felt scared, lonely and empty.

 

I can tell I've made healing progress, because I've been able to casually date, and I've even been physically intimate with someone else. I think if I were to meet somebody that I really liked, I could be ready for a relationship again, provided we take things slow and get to know each other well first. I have gone from relentlessly thinking about her and not being able to focus or concentrate on anything else to still thinking about her a lot, but it's more of something that's in the background and I can focus on other things when I need to and put this aside. I can joke around with my friends again and laugh when my demeanor for the first three months was sullen, withdrawn and despondent. I have come to realize what exactly it means when people say "Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional." The fact of the matter is that something like this is going to be immensely painful, and it's not going to dissipate overnight. It will take time for this kind of pain to fade. You can't hit the fast-forward button.

 

So I realized, since I can only rely on time and nothing else for the pain to fade, and can't fast-forward through the process, then the only thing I can control is what I do with that time. I can wallow in self pity and misery and do nothing to help myself. Or I can examine the areas in my life that are lacking and do everything in my power to fix them, and use this time to grow spiritually, mentally and emotionally.

[Cratsky]

I came back to this website because I needed some relief and here it is.

 

Your stories are familiar and I want to add something also.

 

I totally agree with what's been said in regards to moving forward. The loss of a relationship is something you can't skirt around. You can only move through the process of grief, never around it otherwise you will never be open to a better, more fulfilling and compatible partner.

 

Try not to put the past on a pedestal. Be realistic about what happened and know that if they really were 'The One' then it wouldn't have ended would it? Someone who loved you unconditionally would not hurt you, judge you or make you feel inadequate. The fact it's over clearly states they are not 'The One'. You are now free. Free to find new experiences, make new friends and maybe one day find a more satisfying relationship. Don't choose to be a victim.

 

I know it's hard, even a few months on but don't push the process of grief. One key phrase that I repeat whenever I feel the pang of hurt/anger/regret/disappointment is to say 'This too shall pass. I love myself, exactly as I am no matter what.'

 

It doesn't matter what they think, or are doing anymore. You've got to take care of you.

[2011]

Hi

 

Read through most of the posts on here and they seem to cut quite a similar story to what happened with my EX, been about 4 months or so now, mostly NC, a wee bit of online chat but nothing else and her being angry and defensive/aloof acting in a who cares manner etc.

 

Ok there was mistakes on my part but not anything major like violence or calling her a b**** or anything just misunderstandings more than anything. She also played her part in it too but seemed to twist everything so that it was my fault, and i'll give her credit for being one swift mind-game player and knowing how to twist everything and make me feel guilty.

 

I really related to one poster who was basically saying well I could have fought for her but it was a waste of time, she was not for turning, but on the other hand she probably validated his lack of action as her proof that you are not worthy to invest any more time in, so in effect you are damned if you do, damned if you do not. Also she knew what she acted like and could never muster up the courage to speak with us again, that's how they never get back, even to be friends or talk as they know what they done but would never ever admit it. With some girls it is the ego they possess more than anything and they cannot ever be seen to let that falter. Tough I say if that is the life they want to lead then good for them.

 

Totally with you guys on all that's said!

 

2011

[GreenPolicy]

I've done a lot of studying up on BPD. My ex seems to fit some of the criteria, and some of the other criteria doesn't describe her at all. But they say no two BPDs or Cluster Bs are exactly alike. I've always thought of BDP types as extremely volatile people that exhibit wild mood swings and create a lot of drama, and the relationships themselves mimic a drug addiction - intense, dramatic highs followed by crushing lows. Our relationship was not like that at all - we never ever really fought at all. Never really had any kind of arguments. We had one mini-spat the entire year we were together that we resolved pretty quickly in the space of a few hours. There was almost no drama in our relationship, but that might be the mirroring effect because I am a laid-back casual guy who handles interpersonal conflict pretty well (constructive honesty, direct approach, no name-calling or yelling).I would characterize the day to day existence of being with her as very stable, even-keeled, lacking in drama, and there was mutual affection, kindness and respect on both sides.

 

So I don't think she was full-blown Cluster B/BPD, but I do think she had enough Cluster B/BPD traits that you could classify her as being on the milder end of the spectrum - still enough there to trainwreck the relationship in a dramatic way. I'm not a Mental Health Professional and it is all speculation as to what exactly was going on in her psyche. Nobody I have told my story to thinks this is a "typical" or "normal" breakup where people are together for awhile and then either drift apart, stop getting along, or one or both partners realize that there is not enough compatibility when it comes to shared goals, values and interests in order to continue. I didn't do the typical guy thing when it comes to dumpees where you start being clingy and needy, or get really neglectful and comfortable. I loved her and treated her with kindness, affection and respect without being a doormat that waited on her hand and foot. I have a full-time job. I have a lot of hobbies and interests and for the most part I am a well-rounded, well-adjusted individual. There was physical attraction on her part for sure because I am a little-above average in looks, I take care of myself fitness-wise and dress well. We had good chemistry. Our interests and values when it came to what we wanted out of life (start a family, similar religious views, etc) were the same. I honestly think there is something deeply wrong with a woman's psyche to turn her back on that.

 

I've read some anecdotes of women who aren't quite sure about a guy and their feelings for him, but they stay in the relationship for awhile hoping that their feelings will develop and then end it when they realize that that is not happening. But no ethical/sane woman would ever commit to a vision of engagement/marriage if they were that ambivalent about a guy...at some point they would say "Hey, I think things are moving a little too fast. Let's slow down and just enjoy being bf/gf and then we can take that subject up again down the line."

 

The bottom line is that something was just not right about that relationship for it to end the way that it did. It appeared to be moving in a direction that was leading to greater commitment, and then it abruptly ended. Whether my ex was bipolar, borderline, commitment phobe, avoidant attacher, who knows? It's useful up to a certain point to figure out what was happening so you can spot these kinds of women in the future and be able to run before falling in love. Right now I need to work on myself - what I saw in her, what I should have seen and either didn't or chose not to see, what is it about me that allowed me to fall for such a woman (co-dependent people-pleasing type? residual issues of me being an ACOA?)

 

My biggest fear is in getting stuck in my grief - it should have a beginning, a middle and an end. I've been dumped before, I've had chicks blow me off before, I've been in romantic situations before where I felt the woman led me on and was careless when considering my feelings and acted in a selfish and reckless way - and sometimes I was sad about the way things played out, sometimes I was angry, but there was a definitely cap to the amount of bad feelings that those situations generated and I was able to move on fairly quickly...but there is only one type of woman that drives you to therapy and 12-step meetings, posting on relationship message boards and googling "borderline personality disorder" "avoidant love attachment style" and "commitment phobia." I've never felt the need to seek out this kind of support for the end of a relationship.

 

I was hanging out with some friends last night and I was spending a lot of time fiddling with my iphone instead of engaging in the discussion at the table. And of my friends, K, is a lovely girl (she's got a bf so nothing like that going on between us) that knows what happened with me, and she pulls me aside and she's like "I want to know how you're doing these days, and I just want to let you know that I'm really concerned...because I can tell that you're stuck and you're not moving on. I'm not around you on a day-to-day basis but I can tell. The looks on your face, your expressions, your demeanor, I can tell that you are just not there, you are not available. That is the vibe you are putting out. And while you're like this, you are closing yourself off to all sorts of beautiful things right in front of your face, and I'm not just talking about potential romantic relationships with other women. I'm talking about connecting with other people for friendship and all sorts of things in life that can enrich your experience. Your ex did this to you, but it is your choice to remain stuck in your grief. You're a great and lovely guy who has all sorts of things going for him, and all sorts of women want a guy like you, but they're not going to see it as long as you chose to remain stuck."

[1784]

Hey GP...

 

I was thinking today, and have been lately about something. Do you think that perhaps by logging onto LoveShack, rehashing the same things with different words, looking for answers, expressing ourselves, contributing, etc, that we're doing ourselves a disservice? I realize that we all have to go through all the stages of a breakup, come to grips with our feelings, etc. I think it's healthy. I think we'll be better off for it in the end. But I also can't help but feel that by coming here so often we're keeping 'this' in the spotlight. I feel like I'm as guilty of this as anyone. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off just leaving it be for a bit. See where that gets me? I dunno. I'm sort of torn about it and wanted to know what you thought. I think you said it best in your last post:

 

"The bottom line is that something was just not right about that relationship for it to end the way that it did."

 

I mean, do we need much more? I'm a pretty analytical thinker. In situations like this I think it almost works against me. I feel like I'm always looking for NEW realizations, MORE answers, a BETTER understanding of what happened. That's me, though. I'm not speaking for you. I mean, some days I really do feel that I have all I'm gonna get. So why come on here and go on and on about this and that? Sometimes it makes me feel better and sometimes it makes me feel worse. You mention getting "stuck in grief" but is LS a really productive way to get out of it? I dunno.

 

Don't get me wrong, your posts are great. They're well thought out, expressive, helpful, smart, etc. I get a lot from reading them. You've helped me in ways that you haven't even realized. I hope you know that. I'm sure you've helped a lot of people. That's gotta be something. It's just that I don't want you to get stuck in grief either. I agree with your friend 'K'. There's this whole world waiting to open up to you. The same goes for me even though I'm a lot closer to my breakup than you are. But here we sit, writing posts on LS. I guess as long as we don't obsess it's ok. I just wanted to throw whatever 'this' is out there.

 

I think you're doing just fine. There's no "time table" with which to work from. Humans always have a habit of comparing themselves to other humans. It's natural. But every person is different. I think you'll get to where you need to be when you're supposed to, if you let yourself.

 

Hang in there.

[YSS]

GP

I have enjoyed reading your posts and glad you started this thread. As someone coming up to a year, yes a year, I get how your are feeling.

 

Some relationships impact us harder than others. I do agree that you cannot rush the healing process but I also understand the fear tom get stuck and consumed with grief. I have learned that it's best for the pain to have it's way with you. Once it's done, it's done. Maybe that is the key, we will just know when we are dome with feeling a certain way. While I can say my grief is not crippling me, it's keeping me stuck.

 

1784 raises some good points about this forum. It's comforting on so manylevels to know we are not alone or loosing our minds by the roller coaster of feelings but is always hashing about it better? Dunno. I too look for a different understanding, clue, conclusion. Sometimes there isn't one and maybe this is what we all struggle with .... Just to let go. Let's just say I am not getting As on this one.

 

We just need to be patient but also push ourselves to do new things and place our minds elsewhere. Perhaps that's the key -- to find the balance between sitting with the pain and lobbing ourselves to do things that bring smiles.

Good luck to you and thanks for starting this thread. Your posts do help.

[GreenPolicy]

Hey GP...

 

I was thinking today, and have been lately about something. Do you think that perhaps by logging onto LoveShack, rehashing the same things with different words, looking for answers, expressing ourselves, contributing, etc, that we're doing ourselves a disservice? I realize that we all have to go through all the stages of a breakup, come to grips with our feelings, etc. I think it's healthy. I think we'll be better off for it in the end. But I also can't help but feel that by coming here so often we're keeping 'this' in the spotlight. I feel like I'm as guilty of this as anyone. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off just leaving it be for a bit. See where that gets me? I dunno. I'm sort of torn about it and wanted to know what you thought. I think you said it best in your last post:

 

I think talk therapy is incredibly useful in a way - because part of processing our grief is to talk it out and talk it out until the subject becomes really boring. And part of why I'm here is that the tolerance of my friends and to a lesser extent my family to still listen to this subject expired already. And I am starting to get to that point where the subject is becoming boring. We all need a focus and a meaning to our lives. If we're in a relationship, a big focus is on nurturing and maintaining that relationship. Once it goes, we are still mentally in the relationship while our exes are not. So we talk it out and talk it out until we are bored of the subject and ready to focus on something else, be it our careers, some sort of hobby or interest, a charitable cause that we care about, etc. I have seen a shift in my own patterns of thinking lately from the obsessive How and Why questions I have about her to more thinking about what I need to do to improve my life. I also think that the rehashing and searching for "better" and more "useful" explanations for the demise of our relationships is so that we can learn the right lessons for the future.

 

But I absolutely do agree that on the one hand we cannot bottle up our feelings and need to come to terms with our grief and confront it head on, and that talking about it is a catharsis in a way. But at the same time, you get to a certain point where this becomes self-defeating and you have to stop giving it power.