Telling the kids?

[StoneCold]

It turns out the younger two had shared suspicions with others. What a terrible way to live! Protecting your mother from your father's strange, distant, and cold affair behavior!

 

 

Been there done that...its really nothing. Dont take sides...simply remove yourself from the situation as its none of your business to begin with. If they get caught, then...que sera sera

 

 

...and its not lying by not telling them everything. Simply tell them things didnt work out and you two are not happy together anymore. Is that not the truth? Anything more than that is really irrelevant to the fact that you two arent together anymore. Plus, you dont ever want to come accross as the angry one slaming the other parent as it can blow up in your face....you may think you arent coming across angry but you have no idea how they are reading your tone (which is something we sometimes do not notice).

Edited April 12, 2011 by StoneCold

[BB07]

As the daughter of a serial cheater father with one main OW and one who had parents who went back and forth a lot until I was in my 20's. I didn't know until I was an adult that there were many other women, not just one. Anyway here are my thoughts.

 

I was 9 when the first hint of trouble started. I was 11 when I found out exactly what the trouble was. In hindsight I wish I had been protected from the drama and I wish that my mother had refused to participate in the going back and forth. I think the going back and forth is what did the most damage to me. So IMO, a age appropriate explanation would be ideal.......IMO and if questions are asked, answered honestly with age kept in mind. I think the most important thing that a parent can do for a child is to keep their world as secure and as safe as possible and keep the drama away from them. Drama = repeated cycles of getting back together and then apart, fighting, ect..

[PhoenixRise]

As the daughter of a serial cheater father with one main OW and one who had parents who went back and forth a lot until I was in my 20's. I didn't know until I was an adult that there were many other women, not just one. Anyway here are my thoughts.

 

I was 9 when the first hint of trouble started. I was 11 when I found out exactly what the trouble was. In hindsight I wish I had been protected from the drama and I wish that my mother had refused to participate in the going back and forth. I think the going back and forth is what did the most damage to me. So IMO, a age appropriate explanation would be ideal.......IMO and if questions are asked, answered honestly with age kept in mind. I think the most important thing that a parent can do for a child is to keep their world as secure and as safe as possible and keep the drama away from them. Drama = repeated cycles of getting back together and then apart, fighting, ect..

 

Wow BB07

 

My mom and dad did the back and forth thing a lot too. My dad was a serial cheater who had one main OW as well as multiple OOW along the way.

 

Unfortunately for a while I became the secret keeper. During one of their separations when I was visiting my Grandparents (dad's parents) I intercepted many calls from my dad's girlfriends. I saw many of his women pick him up at the corner (I guess he told them not to come to the house because I was there). All this was happening during a time when he was trying to convince mom to move back in with him and crying about how much his family meant to him. Everybody knew what he was doing. The grandparents, aunts, uncles, mutual friends...everybody. Everybody knew my mom was considering a major move, selling her house, changing jobs to put the family back together. Nobody would tell her.

 

One of my aunts even told me that I should tell her. I was in my early teens at the time. It was a horrible thing for me to know. No child should ever be responsible for that kind of secret.

 

IMO the children should be given the truth in an age appropriate way by the responsible adults involved. When I separated from my H my child was way to young to understand. But if we had not reconciled and she wanted to know why her parents were not together I would give her the information in very broad strokes. No need for details.

[Spark1111]

Been there done that...its really nothing. Dont take sides...simply remove yourself from the situation as its none of your business to begin with. If they get caught, then...que sera sera

 

 

...and its not lying by not telling them everything. Simply tell them things didnt work out and you two are not happy together anymore. Is that not the truth? Anything more than that is really irrelevant to the fact that you two arent together anymore. Plus, you dont ever want to come accross as the angry one slaming the other parent as it can blow up in your face....you may think you arent coming across angry but you have no idea how they are reading your tone (which is something we sometimes do not notice).

 

We are together. I never slammed him. That's their father. They are old enough to make their own decisions regarding their relationship with him.

 

All things considered, we are all doing well. There are some things I regret, but hell, I thought he was leaving me to live with his soulmate and I was preparing myself and them for our divorce, as kindly as I could.

 

I never bad-mouthed her either, ever. I thought this woman was becoming their step-mother.

 

During the affair, and immediately after its discovery, he was angry with us.

 

Go figure.

[Spark1111]

As the daughter of a serial cheater father with one main OW and one who had parents who went back and forth a lot until I was in my 20's. I didn't know until I was an adult that there were many other women, not just one. Anyway here are my thoughts.

 

I was 9 when the first hint of trouble started. I was 11 when I found out exactly what the trouble was. In hindsight I wish I had been protected from the drama and I wish that my mother had refused to participate in the going back and forth. I think the going back and forth is what did the most damage to me. So IMO, a age appropriate explanation would be ideal.......IMO and if questions are asked, answered honestly with age kept in mind. I think the most important thing that a parent can do for a child is to keep their world as secure and as safe as possible and keep the drama away from them. Drama = repeated cycles of getting back together and then apart, fighting, ect..

 

I agree! My mother became embittered with my father and his lack of attention. We heard about this all too much as children and it was extremely damaging.

 

When we became adults, we admired our father because, in hindsight, while he was a lousy husband, he was a caring dad and he would NEVER say a bad word about her or allow us to. He demanded we respect her always, even if their relationship was falling apart.

 

Real class act.

[Spark1111]

Wow BB07

 

My mom and dad did the back and forth thing a lot too. My dad was a serial cheater who had one main OW as well as multiple OOW along the way.

 

Unfortunately for a while I became the secret keeper. During one of their separations when I was visiting my Grandparents (dad's parents) I intercepted many calls from my dad's girlfriends. I saw many of his women pick him up at the corner (I guess he told them not to come to the house because I was there). All this was happening during a time when he was trying to convince mom to move back in with him and crying about how much his family meant to him. Everybody knew what he was doing. The grandparents, aunts, uncles, mutual friends...everybody. Everybody knew my mom was considering a major move, selling her house, changing jobs to put the family back together. Nobody would tell her.

 

One of my aunts even told me that I should tell her. I was in my early teens at the time. It was a horrible thing for me to know. No child should ever be responsible for that kind of secret.

 

IMO the children should be given the truth in an age appropriate way by the responsible adults involved. When I separated from my H my child was way to young to understand. But if we had not reconciled and she wanted to know why her parents were not together I would give her the information in very broad strokes. No need for details.

 

Childen should NEVER be made to keep adult secrets or be forced to have the "adult" conversation with a parent.

 

How sad Pheonix. It sounds like the whole entire family was conflict avoiders.....

[Spark1111]

PS: During my H's affair, he started confiding to his older sister about how dissatisfied he was in our marriage and that he had met someone.

 

She told him to get counseling.

 

Three months later he mentions his OW again and she is appalled he still hasn't gone to counseling.

 

She never told me. While I for one, was happy he had someone to talk to during his confusion, my oldest daughter is still appalled that the SIL never had to courage to tell me or threaten him to tell me or she would.

 

My H comes from a long line of secret keepers and conflict avoiders.

 

I am proud I raised my children differently. Wrong is wrong and family is family.

 

My family would NOT have kept this secret for me.

[ladydesigner]

I'm not sure if it made any difference in whether we were told or not about my mother's A's. My main concern when we found out was whether my parents would be divorcing. I wanted my parents to be together. I remember a lot of fighting and not knowing why and then finding out the truth. I don't bash my mother for what happened. I still love her. My parents are still together. Much of their M was strained due to my father being a very emotionally absent and sometimes verbally abusive. I would say that was worse than the discovery of the A's.

 

I am a BS and a WS and infidelity is not as high up on the trauma scale compared to a lot of other things that have happened to me and my family. As far as telling the kids, I wouldn't, not unless they are old enough to understand and if that explains all the fighting. I don't know in my experience it affected me one way or another, it did explain the fighting.

 

I will not be telling my kids about my H's A's and sure won't be telling them mine.

[PhoenixRise]

Childen should NEVER be made to keep adult secrets or be forced to have the "adult" conversation with a parent.

 

How sad Pheonix. It sounds like the whole entire family was conflict avoiders.....

 

PS: During my H's affair, he started confiding to his older sister about how dissatisfied he was in our marriage and that he had met someone.

 

She told him to get counseling.

 

Three months later he mentions his OW again and she is appalled he still hasn't gone to counseling.

 

She never told me. While I for one, was happy he had someone to talk to during his confusion, my oldest daughter is still appalled that the SIL never had to courage to tell me or threaten him to tell me or she would.

 

My H comes from a long line of secret keepers and conflict avoiders.

 

I am proud I raised my children differently. Wrong is wrong and family is family.

 

My family would NOT have kept this secret for me.

 

 

Yes the whole family was and still are major conflict avoiders. They love drama but direct engaged productive conflict....no.

 

I did have the adult conversation with my mom and she was able to make informed decisions about her life.

 

Minor t/j here: this is why it is so important to me that somebody tell the BS what is going on. "Its not your business" is not a good enough excuse to withhold this potentially life changing information. It is about more than the effect on a couples marriage it is about the potential effect on a BS's life if they are forced to make major life changing decisions without all the facts.

[Spark1111]

Yes the whole family was and still are major conflict avoiders. They love drama but direct engaged productive conflict....no.

 

I did have the adult conversation with my mom and she was able to make informed decisions about her life.

 

Minor t/j here: this is why it is so important to me that somebody tell the BS what is going on. "Its not your business" is not a good enough excuse to withhold this potentially life changing information. It is about more than the effect on a couples marriage it is about the potential effect on a BS's life if they are forced to make major life changing decisions without all the facts.

 

Thanks for this and I soooo wholeheartedly agree.

 

Three years after DDAY, you know what? SIL SHOULD have told me. My daughter is right. And when I was refusing to reconcile, she called me up hysterically crying to please do so. Guilty about her secret-keeping? I definitely think so now.

 

However, and this will come as no surprise, SIL's H had an affair. Guess what? She swept it right under that conflict-avoidance rug and kept up appearances and still does.

 

I told my H, when she totally loses it on him because he put the pot back in the wrong cabinet after a family dinner, do YOU really think it's about the damn pot?

 

I know it is not. It's about her H's affair that was never discussed.

 

And I refuse to live that way.

[Snowflower]

 

Three years after DDAY, you know what? SIL SHOULD have told me. My daughter is right. And when I was refusing to reconcile, she called me up hysterically crying to please do so. Guilty about her secret-keeping? I definitely think so now.

 

 

More likely (and this is just my opinion) your SIL desperately wanted you to reconcile so that she could continue to feel good about her decision to stay in her marriage--since it was swept under the rug in her situation.

 

Or, maybe because she was trying to make sure her brother avoided any hurt or loneliness as a result of his decisions.

[spacehopper]

my mm who now lives with me was always pulled back by his w because she told the children straight away as soon as she found out about us (5 times) as this was the weapon she used to turn them against him,the final time i advised him that he should tell his children himself away from her control and let them decide for themselves what they thought of him,turns out their glad about the seperation as they prefer their parents happy and seperated than constant fighting,however they are in mid teens and were able to understand what was being said,younger children do not need to be told its spitefull and serves no purpose

[bentnotbroken]

my mm who now lives with me was always pulled back by his w because she told the children straight away as soon as she found out about us (5 times) as this was the weapon she used to turn them against him,the final time i advised him that he should tell his children himself away from her control and let them decide for themselves what they thought of him,turns out their glad about the seperation as they prefer their parents happy and seperated than constant fighting,however they are in mid teens and were able to understand what was being said,younger children do not need to be told its spitefull and serves no purpose

 

 

Not everyone tells their kids out of spite. But if that is what she did, she was a wrong as he was to screw around in the first place.

[BB07]

Wow BB07

 

My mom and dad did the back and forth thing a lot too. My dad was a serial cheater who had one main OW as well as multiple OOW along the way.

 

Unfortunately for a while I became the secret keeper. During one of their separations when I was visiting my Grandparents (dad's parents) I intercepted many calls from my dad's girlfriends. I saw many of his women pick him up at the corner (I guess he told them not to come to the house because I was there). All this was happening during a time when he was trying to convince mom to move back in with him and crying about how much his family meant to him. Everybody knew what he was doing. The grandparents, aunts, uncles, mutual friends...everybody. Everybody knew my mom was considering a major move, selling her house, changing jobs to put the family back together. Nobody would tell her.

 

One of my aunts even told me that I should tell her. I was in my early teens at the time. It was a horrible thing for me to know. No child should ever be responsible for that kind of secret.

 

IMO the children should be given the truth in an age appropriate way by the responsible adults involved. When I separated from my H my child was way to young to understand. But if we had not reconciled and she wanted to know why her parents were not together I would give her the information in very broad strokes. No need for details.

 

I can relate phoenix about the secret keeping, unfortunately I had to keep a lot of secrets and some of them I still keep. My mother doesn't know that my dad molested me and I can't see much point in telling her at this point in time Fortunately I had wonderful grandparents and a couple of aunts that rescued me a lot during those years but they never talked about what was going on at my house.

[Woman In Blue]

.....younger children do not need to be told its spitefull and serves no purpose

I wasn't sure where to begin quoting that LONG run-on sentence, but I guess this was as good a part as any.

 

LOL...I love affair partners saying the betrayed spouse is "spiteful" (and it's spelled with one "L," not two.) I wonder what the descriptive word would be for continually being in an affair with someone and completely disregarding WHOSE life you're trampling all over? Oh yeah - that word would probably be "disrespectful." Yes, that's a good word for it.

 

Back on topic - if I were a betrayed spouse, I wouldn't choose to share something so private with my kids. They don't have to know every single intimate thing about my marriage.

[worlybear]

I wasn't sure where to begin quoting that LONG run-on sentence, but I guess this was as good a part as any.

 

LOL...I love affair partners saying the betrayed spouse is "spiteful" (and it's spelled with one "L," not two.) I wonder what the descriptive word would be for continually being in an affair with someone and completely disregarding WHOSE life you're trampling all over? Oh yeah - that word would probably be "disrespectful." Yes, that's a good word for it.

 

Back on topic - if I were a betrayed spouse, I wouldn't choose to share something so private with my kids. They don't have to know every single intimate thing about my marriage.

 

Bit difficult not to know in my daughter's case, as my STBXH and OW were both teaching (he as HT and OW as Teaching Assistant) in the small village primary school she then attended.

She was 7 at the time and now, 2 years later still bears the emotional scars.

Luckily she has older siblings (in their 20s) who care deeply for her.

But her father?

She was and still is humiliated and hurt by his behaviour and the fact that he is now living with OW and bringing up her former friend as a stepdaughter.

I would never, in a million years have put her through what he did and being kept out of the loop was not an option for her as their affair was in the public domain.

She refuses to have anything to do with him-and I don't blame her!

[Bionic Me]

I wasn't sure where to begin quoting that LONG run-on sentence, but I guess this was as good a part as any.

 

LOL...I love affair partners saying the betrayed spouse is "spiteful" (and it's spelled with one "L," not two.) I wonder what the descriptive word would be for continually being in an affair with someone and completely disregarding WHOSE life you're trampling all over? Oh yeah - that word would probably be "disrespectful." Yes, that's a good word for it.

 

Back on topic - if I were a betrayed spouse, I wouldn't choose to share something so private with my kids. They don't have to know every single intimate thing about my marriage.

 

For someone that crosses all her Ts... Your marriage is their family. This is like living a fantasy. Can't hide reality. What is so "intimate" about something that most likely will affect your children?

[Spark1111]

I wasn't sure where to begin quoting that LONG run-on sentence, but I guess this was as good a part as any.

 

LOL...I love affair partners saying the betrayed spouse is "spiteful" (and it's spelled with one "L," not two.) I wonder what the descriptive word would be for continually being in an affair with someone and completely disregarding WHOSE life you're trampling all over? Oh yeah - that word would probably be "disrespectful." Yes, that's a good word for it.

 

Back on topic - if I were a betrayed spouse, I wouldn't choose to share something so private with my kids. They don't have to know every single intimate thing about my marriage.

 

I agree children should not be told the intimate details of their parent's relationship.

 

But sometimes, there is no choice, or the children already suspect (as two of mine did) or there are situations and circumstances created by the cheaters and a DDay that force an honest discussion.

 

I did not have the affair. I did not make selfish, hurtful choices. He and she did. And sometimes to keep that secret just protects the cheater and creates further confusion and uncertainty for the children.

 

Depending on the age of the child, and mine were young adults, it was better to throw it out on the table and to discuss a plan to heal from it all.

 

I'm glad we did, all of us, including my xWS. he gained respect in their eyes by being honest enough to discuss his confusion and poor choices and NOT blaming me for any of it. He manned up, and that made a huge difference to them.

[StoneCold]

I did not make selfish, hurtful choices.

 

You sure about that one?

 

 

You do realize that it is possible to but equally selfish and hurtful without cheating

[Spark1111]

You sure about that one?

 

 

You do realize that it is possible to but equally selfish and hurtful without cheating

 

Oh, absolutely. His OW called her xH, her son's father, "The A**hole" every time she referred to him, even in front of her boy!

 

Guess what? He hates his dad, his new step-mother, and their new baby.

 

No surprise there! She won. What she won? Who knows?

 

A child that hates a parent has a life-long pathology of pain and developmental retardation. It is wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

I would never do that to my children. It's why I would never cheat on their father while still married to him.

[PhoenixRise]

I can relate phoenix about the secret keeping, unfortunately I had to keep a lot of secrets and some of them I still keep. My mother doesn't know that my dad molested me and I can't see much point in telling her at this point in time Fortunately I had wonderful grandparents and a couple of aunts that rescued me a lot during those years but they never talked about what was going on at my house.

 

((((BB07))))

 

What a terrible secret to have to keep. Glad you had people in your life who could rescue you at least part of the time.

 

Wishing you the utmost healing and peace.

[BB07]

((((BB07))))

 

What a terrible secret to have to keep. Glad you had people in your life who could rescue you at least part of the time.

 

Wishing you the utmost healing and peace.

 

Thank you (((((Phoenix)))).........I'm working on it.

[tami-chan]

I am a BS and a WS and infidelity is not as high up on the trauma scale compared to a lot of other things that have happened to me and my family.

 

I agree with the bolded. This is something I have learned in my own experience as a BS. Compared to other horrific events that other people have gone through-I just realized my self worth is not anchored on another person, It is really disturbing to me to see people go day after day, month after month, year after year live as if their life force comes only from the one person who betrayed them.

 

As far as telling the kids, I wouldn't, not unless they are old enough to understand and if that explains all the fighting.

 

I did not tell my daughter until she was old enough and only because her father and I were divorcing. She took it very well-she knew that we love her more than the stuff that broke our marriage.

 

So to answer the OP, it is important to really examined the motive for "telling" the children and to always be age-appropriate.

[dreamingoftigers]

He said growing up in his household, always had a strong undercurrent of tension that no one would acknowledge, or explain to him. There was an 800 lb. gorilla in the room all the time, but his parents always pretended it wasn't there........

 

Now that I think about (realization hitting as I type) I wonder if he viewed himself as being to blame for the tension in the household---a young child, unwise to the ways of the world, may very well take it personally, if the grownups stop talking as soon as he enters the room, but put on phony smiles and try to pretend that everything's ok.

 

I think kids pick up on phoniness much more than people realize........

 

He told me that when he finally did learn the truth about his parents (I think an older brother told him) ---he said it was like an epiphany, a light bulb coming---everything suddenly made sense when viewed in that light---but nonetheless, he couldn't help but feel resentment for having been kept in the dark, surrounded by all that tension for so many years........

 

So yep, "keeping up appearances" isn't always in a child's best interests.

 

I can see not telling a very young child, but once they're old enough to ask, I think they should be given the truth.Pretense is horrible to live with. A false reconciliation, or a reconciliation just "for the kid's sake"---could possibly cause a very unfair transfer of resentments to the children---

 

 

which they may very well pick up on...............and internalize.

 

I can relate to a ton of this post, especially the bolded.

 

 

I really hope that anyone toying with the idea of engaging in infidelity reads this thread, and realizes that the fallout reaches further than the immediate triangle itself. The kids ARE affected, sometimes horribly. My SO has a ton of baggage from that---even though it happened over 30 years ago. The imprinting that happens in the formative years, can etch very deep grooves into a developing psyche.

 

The younger the child, the deeper the groove.

 

The deeper the groove, the harder it is to climb out of it.......

 

Very, very true, shapes limbic patterns in the brain and affects adult relationships.

[spacehopper]

Woman in blue-geta grip love its not aspelling contest,you soundlikeascornedwoman with issues,i was respondingto aquestion giving my opinion,who the**** askedyou to speak to me,brave behind yourpc arent ya lmfao,im happy,sounds like you need to get some aswell as a life,disrespectful is butting in on ppls convos hahaha