Universe Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I've been through some drama this past year that now seems to finally be reaching an end. It's a sad ending. But it's an ending. I don't want to go into the details. That's not what this post is about. At this point I'm just trying to feel normal again and move on with my life. The problem is that I can't get this girl out of my head. But it doesn't feel like love. I've been in love with the same woman, my girlfriend, for more than 11 years and we've had a beautiful relationship for all of that time. She's been my devoted best friend and lover the whole time. I want to have children with her and spend the rest of our lives together. But about 18 months ago I met someone who's presence in my life has thrown everything into upheaval. And I don't understand why. I don't understand the feelings I've had towards her. I don't find her sexually attractive. I do not fantasize about her at all. She is young, naive, and immature about a great number of things. I don't see her being able to stimulate or enrich my life in a way that makes me see that there could be a future for us together. The primary joy I've gotten from her has been my role as mentor to her. She wants to do what I do and is very passionate and talented (we're both songwriters). In our time together I thoroughly enjoyed passing on my knowledge and expertise to her. I loved showing her the ins and outs of the music industry and the secrets to my artistic successes. When I met her she had very low self-esteem and no friends. She'd had a very difficult life. I had an immediate codependent need to adopt and take care of her. Over time we fostered a deep connection and a loving friendship. I naively thought this was harmless and that it could go on forever. But as I should have expected, she early on fell madly in love with me. She did a pretty good job of hiding it, but I had strong suspicions. What I didn't count on was that I fell for her too. But as I said, it wasn't love as I'd experienced it in the past. For me it was more of a fatherly protectiveness. I felt she was my responsibility. I regrettably (and selfishly) tried to keep her close to me despite the impact it would have on her emotional well-being (not to mention the emotional well-being of my girlfriend). But I didn't want her too close. I did not want a physical relationship with her. I just had a strong desire for us to be very close friends. It all blew up in my face and I handled the whole situation terribly. Things got physical a couple times (I never let it go as far as sex), I told her I was confused but might be in love with her (though I did also say that I was still in love with my girlfriend and had no intention of leaving her), I ended the affair, I eventually told my girlfriend all about it, and it all had a tremendous impact on my relationship. That all went down 7-9 months ago. I've barely had any contact with her (we can call her OW now) since. My girlfriend and I are both in therapy and have worked things through. Our relationship now seems stronger than ever. But in the past couple weeks some things happened that forced me to truly let go of the possibility of ever reconciling any working relationship or friendship with the OW. yeah - yeah - I know that sounds ridiculous. Of course I can't reconcile a relationship with her. I know on the face of it that it's completely out of the cards. But I've made no secret to my girlfriend, my therapist, or the OW about my desire to work with her again. Given some of the unique details of our situation, it actually wasn't completely out of the question. We'd talked it through and my girlfriend was ok with it (though with the obvious understandable reservations.) As it all played out, however, the OW is still too hurt and feels betrayed by how I handled everything. So now our goodbyes are for real. And it's having an effect on me that I did not expect. I can't stop thinking about her. I want to contact her. I want to reach out. I want to make her understand. I want her back in my life. I want everyone to be friends again. But all of that is completely impossible. The scary part is that what I'm feeling for the OW now is blocking out feelings I have for my girlfriend. It felt that way back when I initially got so close to her that I let it get physical. I didn't want my relationship with my girlfriend to end. I still loved her. I always knew she was the one for me. But something about the intensity of the feelings I had for the OW blocked out my feelings for my girlfriend. I didn't want that. So I separated from the OW. And I got straight to work rebuilding my relationship with my girlfriend. After the confession and the fall-out that followed, I felt more in love with my girlfriend than ever. I felt closer to her than ever. And things have done nothing but improve between us since. But in the past couple weeks, as I'm truly letting go of any potential connection to the OW, I feel overwhelmed with sadness. I feel all of the guilt and shame that I felt before. I feel the codependent need to try and rescue her and fix what is wrong. I want to get straight with her. But I can't. I know that what I have with the OW is codependency. But can a codependent relationship be so powerful as to overshadow true love? What is this? and when will it stop?
blind_otter Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 When you meet someone and feel a very strong connection to them, it is easy to mistake that for love. In our society there really aren't that many options for labeling a strong connection to someone. IME, though, the people you are strongly drawn to are not always for romantic reasons...sometimes they hold up a mirror that reflects a part of yourself that you had buried long ago, sometimes they bring up unresolved conflicts or issues from your past because they just happen to remind you unconsciously of someone or some thing. The trick is to recognize what it is that they are reminding us of, and to attend to that.
Author Universe Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 sometimes they hold up a mirror that reflects a part of yourself that you had buried long ago, sometimes they bring up unresolved conflicts or issues from your past because they just happen to remind you unconsciously of someone or some thing.This makes so much sense to me right now. Is there a book or something that talks more about this? That was definitely a big part of the attraction. She reminds me so much of myself at her age. Plus, she shares a lot of unique physical characteristics with me. She also uses so many of the exact same gestures and facial expressions as I do. We're very alike. I'm not so much attracted to that, but was fascinated by it and couldn't help feeling a deep connection. Yet, as a romantic option, I definitely do not want to be in a relationship with someone just like me. That would get boring pretty quick. Know of any resource that talks more about this type of thing?
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