Schuster Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I've been dating my boyfriend for about two years now. For the first year we had an amazing relationship: passionate, supportive, joyful, and just plain fun. A year ago, very unexpectedly, his mother had a stroke. She was left with memory and cognitive impairement, which made it necessary for her to live in a nursing home. My boyfriend was devastated, and his many flights to see her left him emotionally, financially, and physically drained. For the first four months, though, supporting him through it all only brought us closer together. Obviously our relationship changed, but the intimacy we had remained. Seven months ago my boyfriend came back from a visit to his mom's facility a different man. He is now cold, distant, and quick to frustration. Up to a week before his trip he was talking about moving in with me this spring; now, without discussion, he renewed his apartment lease for a year. When he talks about the future it never involves me anymore. He never compliments me anymore and frequently snaps at me for little things that never bothered him before. We used to have sex daily, even after the stroke, but now we only have any form of sexual contact every 4-6 weeks, and only when I repeatedly ask for it. The rare times he strokes my hair or pats my leg almost cry with longing. We never do anything together beyond watching some tv late at night, even though he still has time and energy for his other sports and activities. He's regressed from back rubs and kissing to giving me wedgies and pinching me (yeah, seriously). I feel like his little sister most of the time. Talking to him about it only brings arguments. He swears he still feels the same way about me as he did before, and that the only reason he's so distant is stress. I once asked if he wanted to take a break for a while. His response was, "If I didn't love you still and didn't want to be with you, I would break up with you. I don't need you to do it for me, or ask me how I feel about you, or to take a break. It's a stupid thing to ask." It was the only time in the past 7 months he's said he loves me. Please, I need some advice. I'm afraid to ask anyone, because I feel like I'm being insanely selfish to worry about my needs at a time like this. But how long do I wait for my boyfriend to start coming back? I hate this zombie he's become. The lack of affection, physical or emotional, is hurting my self esteem more and more. Should I just accept that this is the way it'll be for a very long time and quit being so selfish?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I agree that you have valid concerns, and it would be so nice to merely understand whyyyyyyyyyyyy he changed so suddenly. I mean, I wonder what he may have seen, heard, or said while in the process of caring for, and visiting his mother. You should probably hang in there, while at times gently asserting yourself. It is going to be tricky - no doubt. No reason to give up yet. (but do grade/judge him based on his own actions)
zakfar Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) I'm sorry for all that happened to you guys. First of all, you need to understand that you are not being 'Selfish' here. Your relationship is down the tank, and there is nothing wrong about bringing it back. You are indeed not doing a mistake if you want to improve your relationship with him, hence, making both of you happy once again. You are a good woman if you think like that. This change in him is indeed because of his high stress, and the situation he has been going through. Another thing that you need to understand here is that, this change is not related with you. He might still 'Love' you as earlier. The change has occurred in his mind, like what to do and what not to do, and when to do what. He might not feel the sexual urges like he did before, but whenever he feels that, he might feel it only for you. I will recommend you to take him to a psychiatrist. He knows himself that he has been through 'High Stress' lately. If he can visit one, it will be great. I'm afraid that the kinds of changes happening in him are just the beginning. More changes can occur to him later on. As you just mentioned that he renewed his apartment lease, it is possible that he even leave you some day. Schuster you should avoid to talk to him about his changes. This will increase his stress. You should find out the ways to relax him, and not to push him more and more towards disaster. So far, taking him to the psychiatrist is the best solution seems to me. If he doesn't agree, then try to do things that he likes (right now, and not in the past) so that he can feel good. Talk to him more about the things he like to talk. That will also make him feel good. He can become the one he used to be, but not by 'Force', but with 'Love' and 'Care'. But the condition and scenario is really bad. It's indeed better if a professional handles it. I hope it helps. Zakfar. Edited April 12, 2011 by zakfar
Author Schuster Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 Thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciated your thoughtful replies and support. I will try to remember every day that the way he's treating me isn't a reflection of any failings on my part, and hopefully we can move past this someday and regain our intimacy. At the very least, I want to know I put everything I could into our relationship, so if we don't work I will have no regrets. He had been going to a psychologist but refuses to go anymore, saying it didn't help. I do worry about his mental health, but feel helpless to boost him back up again. Most of what he enjoys anymore are solitary activities, but I will try to encourage him to do them more. And I'll go make him cookies right now! Cookies make everyone feel better.
OliveOyl Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 This is an interesting point in your relationship. It's now undergoing what I call "relationship stress-testing." The question is, will it survive? I'm sure your BF still loves you. But this is how he reacts under stress. He withdraws and allows the relationship to suffer. Many, many relationships are wonderful until they get to a point of some external life stress. The question is, can you handle this? And do you want to hang in there knowing that he reacts this way under stress? It's been seven months. That seems like sufficient time for him to bounce back. My marriage was solid until we hit a period of stresses from which I felt my husband did not deal with well at all. He withdrew into drinking and other activities that caused him to almost completely retreat from the situation and our intimacy. I did try to help but he became a changed man. The person he is under stress (mainly the everyday stress of marriage and kids, plus a bit more) is very different than the person he is without stress. As well, he tended to "fall apart" and leave the major decisions to me. It may seem cold that I didn't do more to "help" him through the stress but... I am the type who wants to use the challenges of life to bring me closer to a partner. He is the opposite. I became yet another stress to him. I think if the foundation of our relationship had been different things would have turned out different. But the foundation of our relationship had been a strong friendship -- and that was gone. I finally decided that I wanted a partner who when facing challenges, finds solace in our relationship for comfort, stress-relief, and a way to re-energize. Good luck. Many people don't get chance to have their relationship "stress-tested" until after marriage and kids come along.
Recommended Posts