tyler123 Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Well i am back and i have not been to this site in almost 3yrs. I am trying not to get into it with my now divorced MW cause she is not really present in our relationship but needed to vent. Hope to hear some wisdom from this FABULOUS support group. 4 yrs ago i started having an affair with this women in my community - we met in AA meetings both trying to work on our destructive disease of too much self absorbed thinking always leading to self pity leading to numbing those feelings with drugs and alcholol. she has 3 young girls and a bad marriage - we started our affair quickly and it was a roller coaster for the first 3 yrs and i am shocked i am still alive- truly a miracle that i did not go off the deep end as she would tell me "how i am everything she wanted, i'd love her, be there for her emotionally , physically, spiritually- we would have fun in this new sober life- then BOOM she would tell me she can't do this with me any more that she needed to work on her marriage. Then BOOM again, she would be back and say how sorry she was and how much she missed me- many of times when she went back to the marriage - I would relapse , feeling like the victim. Each time She came back i would volunteer myself to this relationship - forgiving her. Well 4 yrs later she is divorced and basically for the past year while the divorce was going on- she completley stopped going to meetings and the roller coaster I thought was over- she stayed at my place on the nights she did not have the girls- our fun times were far and few between- we never went out for dinner , or did the fun things we did together. Instead we became boring - she bored me, she was so depressed about her life and she became more and more difficlut to deal with- she was like a piece of furniture in my apt that had no color- when we had sex and she showed some life i had some happiness, but that was it . i thought / more so hoped her depression would fade and she would be grateful that i was always there for her, loving her , supporting her even though she was not bringing anything to the relationship other than the less and less seldom sex. well to make this 4yr story short- whenever she left me to take care of her kids i was relieved - i could watch my tv shows and i did not have to feel like a babysitter. she finally confessed she was taking an extreme amount of xanax and other pills to numb her- this ended with her going to detox for a week. now she is feeling better but not going to meetings like she said she would. She is not calling me or staying over the past couple of weeks since she is feeling better, and i am really hurt and angry because i thought/hoped she would show her gratitude for me never leaving her and being by her side, through her divorce, depression, etc. and now she is extremely distant and sends me these random texts like" sorry i haven't been in touch been real busy. hope all is well with you. ttyl" this is the most one sided relationship i have ever experienced and i am not calling her out on her behavior / actions as i have in the past". i think i know from experience when i call her out when she is acting like this i get more angry and it's leads to more confrontation- and i get more exhausted. for many of weeks / months- i feel this relationship is wasting my love and energy, but the minute i start thinking how can she do this to me i get into a bad place- it's like i am jeckly and hyde - one sec i want her out of my place- and then when she is not acting distant - i get a resentment A BIG ONE- and i then start to miss feeling a part of something- even if it has been a draining, one sided relationship. Well i am glad i am venting on this rather than venting to her -cause i know where that goes... i have not put much effort into contacting her as i know her patterns and right now- she is "not into me/ us" my feelings my life is not a priority to her at all and i feel neglected. i know her texts to me are generic and makes her feel like she is still in some contact. BUt it's total bull****- this inconsistency has to stop- just not sure how to approach this.. Ok can't wait to hear your takes on this...
Owl Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 OK...three thoughts. She stopped going to AA meetings, and ended up taking pills and doing "detox"...but refuses to do anything further. That sets up my three thoughts on this. 1. She's still in an active addiction. Either to alchohol, the pills, or both. Either way, she's not in recovery, as she's not following through the steps she needs to. 2. You cannot have a decent relationship with someone in an active addiction. 3. You can't fix her. She is the only person who can fix her...and she clearly needs fixing...but that's out of your ability to do anything about.
Spark1111 Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 If I understand correctly, you are now sober and have been for awhile; she was not and is only recently so. She has a lot of work to do on herself, a lot, before she is in anyway ready for a healthy relationship. How about you? What sort of work are you doing on yourself to become the very best person you can be, not only for yourself, but for a future partner? Which may, or may not, be her friend. I think a big part of the disease is the drama and the rollercoaster; it makes it fun and exciting, like partners in crime. Not only the affair portion, but also the fueling of it all by alcohol. Have you given thought to the fact that this may not work out for you? She may view as that guy from the past, the one she cheated and drank with for a long time; the one who bailed her out of numerous situations and made her feel safe. But if she really is serious about kicking it, she may have to learn how to do all of this for herself. I would hate for you to be her fallback man whenever she feels weak and needy. Maybe, instead of resuing her from all her problems everytime she calls, what specifically can you do for you?
jthorne Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Even if you completely disreagard that she was previously married, she is a classic conflict avoider, and uses alcohol, drugs and affairs to avoid conflict. When you became a conflict, she avoided you too. Until she faces her demons, she will never be a good mate- to anyone. It doesn't look to me like she is anywhere near ready to face them demons, much less conquer them. And even if she did eventually conquer them, I suspect that you two would be so different both sober that you wouldn't have much in common, and not be good mates anyway.
Author tyler123 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 she is in no position to be a good mate- i am working on myself by stepping up my AA meetings, working with my sponsor and faking it until i make it. i am working on not isolating and doing things i have not been able to while i put her happiness above mine. The reality is i was not helping her just enabling her- i am trying to focus on me and my actions- opposed to her behavior. it's hard not to take it personally because everything she says she does the opposite. I have tried to talk to her about a month ago with some grace that i don't want to be priority #1 but i do want to be a priority and not feel ignored and not important. I explained to her that when she goes days without calling that i question our relationship and why i allow myself to cater to her needs. She says she understands and says sorry but then continues the seldom contact until she is in a " bad place". i guess the reality is she just leans on me when things are HARD for her, but when she is feeling better she gives me no reassurance/ love / respect. the truth is i am have always struggled taking an ACTIVE stand when she calls and asks for my love/ help because i am scared i will lose her completely. even though i am feeling hurt i am not letting her see it - i am working on showing her very little emotions or blame as i know she is sick and does not know what way is up . I am scared because when she is in recovery she is not this selfish and cold- i just need to accept that this is not the type of relationship that i want and i deserve more. BUt it is hard and i will use this board to vent my feelings rather than putting it on her cause i need to try something new.. THanks new friends.
Author tyler123 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 i know this is a wasted energy on thinking about this. but being involved with her for the past 4yrs i can't stop thinking about how i will respond directly to her if and when she calls and acts like things are normal, thoughts? i am also scared that she might tell me she is being distant because she is not Fit to be in a relationship - and though i know thats right i know myself well enough that i will struggle hearing that as i have heard that countless times in the past- and then when she is ready to be intimate - i CAVE...
QueenVictoria Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 you need to find a new squeeze, a horney, non-alcoholic
Owl Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I think that if you change nothing...nothing will change. If you're more afraid of losing her than you are of the situation remaining the way it is...you're going to stay right where you at. I hope that this turns out the best possible way that it can for everyone involved. Good luck to you my friend.
Heart On Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 (edited) Changing people, places, and things is important to successful recovery. Removing triggers is important. But yet you remain involved with a woman who is not commited to her own recovery. Why is that? Codependency? http://www.planetpsych.com/zPsychology_101/codependency.htm i know this is a wasted energy on thinking about this. but being involved with her for the past 4yrs i can't stop thinking about how i will respond directly to her if and when she calls and acts like things are normal, thoughts? i am also scared that she might tell me she is being distant because she is not Fit to be in a relationship - and though i know thats right i know myself well enough that i will struggle hearing that as i have heard that countless times in the past- and then when she is ready to be intimate - i CAVE... Just because the sex is good,doesn't mean it's love. Sounds alot more like a Love/Sex Addiction on your part and possibly on her part to me. You realize,just because you are sober,doesn't mean you aren't prone to other rebound addictions.She sounds like she's not the only one with some unresolved issues.Her issues are hers to deal with and you will NEVER change her,only your reactions to her! That is ALL you have any control over. They tell people in AA NOT to date anyone who is in recovery for at least a year,least of all another recovering addict.I hate to say,but this is why. If you know that neither of you is "fit" to be in a relationship,maybe it's time to just let her go and be "busy" and get back to getting emotionally healthy yourself. Before you get defensive,realize that this is just my unprofessional opinion based on the little that you have said. Maybe a Professional could help you tackle your own self esteem issues that keep you enmeshed within this unhealthy one-sided love addiction. This might help you see just how far into denial you are right now in regards to this "relationship". http://www.findingstone.com/allkindsofstuff/couples/sexual.htm When love and sexuality are used as a way to cope, rather than a way to grow and share, partner choice becomes skewed. Compatibility becomes based on "whether or not you will leave me", "how intense our sex life is" or "how I can hook you into staying", rather than on whether you might truly become a peer, friend and companion.Addictive relationships are characterized over time by unhealthy dependency, guilt and abuse. Convinced of their lack of worth and not feeling truly lovable, Love and Sex Addicts will use seduction, control, guilt and manipulation to attract and hold onto romantic partners. http://brightertomorrow.net/writings.html http://brightertomorrow.net/40Questions.htm I only know about this because I am a recovering Love Addict myself and it all sounds way too familiar!~ :)Peace:) Edited April 11, 2011 by Heart On
fooled once Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 OK...three thoughts. She stopped going to AA meetings, and ended up taking pills and doing "detox"...but refuses to do anything further. That sets up my three thoughts on this. 1. She's still in an active addiction. Either to alchohol, the pills, or both. Either way, she's not in recovery, as she's not following through the steps she needs to. 2. You cannot have a decent relationship with someone in an active addiction. 3. You can't fix her. She is the only person who can fix her...and she clearly needs fixing...but that's out of your ability to do anything about. ditto Owl. And please use paragraphs - makes reading posts easier!
Author tyler123 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 i am working on being honest with myself as denial is only a trap for more punishment. I have been using this relationship as a crutch not to do the work. I am definitely not a victim but more so a VOLUNTEER. this relationship started wrong and truly was just another type of "escape" for me. I got a generic text from her on sunday night - and i have not responded- i went to a meeting last night and got honest about my pain. it felt good to release my fear of losing something i cared about even if it's not healthy for me. Well right when i got in my car i almost drove to her place to "confront her" about her lack of communication and distance. THis scared me that i can just toss my little progress so easily- it truly is fragile, but i paused, prayed and breathed. the next thing i did was call a friend to get dinner- THANK GOD i made it another day with NC. i actually slept pretty well last night; did not sleep well at all sat or sun- my mind and heart were stirring obsessively. SO i am grateful for this board so much as this is much better option than reaching out to her. i woke up this morning back in that "fear, poor me, why me, how can she do this to me zone"- i asked higher power for help and guidance and the courage to get me through this day- i found myself outside breathing slowly and listening to nature- my anxiety and anger decreased and felt i can - with help and positive actions can have a good day... this board is great and it's nice to know i am not the only one that suffers from a love addiction.
Author tyler123 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 " When love and sexuality are used as a way to cope, rather than a way to grow and share, partner choice becomes skewed. Compatibility becomes based on "whether or not you will leave me", "how intense our sex life is" or "how I can hook you into staying", rather than on whether you might truly become a peer, friend and companion.Addictive relationships are characterized over time by unhealthy dependency, guilt and abuse. Convinced of their lack of worth and not feeling truly lovable, Love and Sex Addicts will use seduction, control, guilt and manipulation to attract and hold onto romantic partners. " that was great i can say that i am at fault for this as have this trait- i have been more concerned about this relationship ending or staying in tact than i have concern for it's worth of personal growth. When i have had many of moments thinking and acknowledging that this relationship is not one that makes me feel like i have a true companion- i feel it's time to let go, but the addict part has always won and outweighed what is healthy and loving. I have to admit that i have done so many things i am not proud of to manipulate the situation so the R does not end, i have put in so much energy trying to control the situation. i would recommend to anyone that it is much better to have a loose handle, an open hand to things to come in and out of our lives- opposed to gripping something so tight that you are protecting one's selfish needs and wants despite all the lies and people that suffer from one's actions. I really want to be a better person - change is hard though . one day at a time
Spark1111 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Tyler, congratulations on making it through the night! Sometimes, when we do not or cannot do the very hard work of rescuing ourselves from our fears, we often seek to rescue someone else as a diversion. If can feel really good to help someone else, but at what price to our own emotional well-being? In addition to AA, can you afford a good counselor? Because I would think this would help you to understand where and why this dynamic was created. Most often, childhood. Were you rescuing one of your parents then? Did it make you feel loved and important and safe? Was that parent also unable to confront conflict in a calm and healthy manner? Love is suppose to inspire, and enlarge one's life. It is not suppose to hurt this much. Good luck to you!
Author tyler123 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Spark1111, thanks that type of encouragement was nice. i can not afforf a therapist but i have been down that road before. what you wrote sounds like mother- i was told by a past therapist that i have the superman syndrome- i try to help others to a fault of focusing on my emotional happiness. i get some temporary high from it but suffer in the long run- it definitely takes the focus away from me and i regress. being aware of it is great but now is the hard part actually working on just myself and cutting her out, it is much easier to do when i am not engaged in finding out unanswered questions , talking to her etc. focusing on the reality that this is not the type of love that i want nor deserve. i want a realtionship that inspires me, feel safe in , trust. I need to continue to be honest with myself- i don't have this with her and i know i am not truly loving her if i am clinging to her , trying to control her in manipulitve ways, and letting her walk in and out of my life like this - that is the only constant she comes and goes as she pleases with no accountability or no desire to make a commitment that is followed with actions that match. WHy in would i ever want this type of relationship- simple i am addicted to it.. so recovery here i am cause i truly want to find a better way to live and participate in more loving relationships
Heart On Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 :)Awww.Tyler....I just wanted to give you a hug and let you know that it takes two to tango and two to be in this type of situation (more often 3) and I know how hard it is to realize that if it's not one addiction it's another.Be gentle with yourself and know you are far from alone. Most of the people here are either "rescuers" or "victims" too. We all get off on helping people and really if you ask me,having projection identification as a defense mechanism isn't nearly as bad as some others. I would much rather be the victim than the victimzer and I would much rather be the rescuer than the rescued. We all do the best we can with the cards we are dealt! Take care of you and know....USAVEU2 and that is OK! That used to be my name in other forums....because I was forever saving everyone but myself or worse,at my own expense. Knowledge is power! :)Peace:)
Author tyler123 Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 HeartOn - thank you for the hugs- so nice to come into work and hop on the boards and just read the love and understanding. I went to a great meeting yesterday after work, did some work with my sponsor. I did not break last night on the NC and i just focused on ME. I need to Save myself and asking for help is a great gift - the coolest thing about this and i am so grateful to see is how i can find some PEACE during this Painful experience. in prior times the pain was too large and i went in the wrong direction for peace ( HER) i did not want to feel the emptiness so i clung - the peace i find is when i come here, ask for help, do things that have NOTHING to do with inviting the wreckage back in.
Heart On Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 HeartOn - thank you for the hugs- so nice to come into work and hop on the boards and just read the love and understanding. I went to a great meeting yesterday after work, did some work with my sponsor. I did not break last night on the NC and i just focused on ME. I need to Save myself and asking for help is a great gift - the coolest thing about this and i am so grateful to see is how i can find some PEACE during this Painful experience. in prior times the pain was too large and i went in the wrong direction for peace ( HER) i did not want to feel the emptiness so i clung - the peace i find is when i come here, ask for help, do things that have NOTHING to do with inviting the wreckage back in. It is no less nice to wake up too early,and hop on the boards to see that my efforts are appreciated! I think you should be proud of yourself for not allowing yourself to continue to risk yourself on a woman who obviously can't be what you need or deserve. It's certainly not easy to break this cycle when ALL you want is to have your love reciprocated by someone who once went way out of thier way to validate your existance!! If you only knew the depths my own love addiction took me in terms of losing ALL pride and dignity! GAWD! I hate to even recall them! Suffices to say,I can forgive myself knowing what I know today about both him and myself. Just know that you always have YOU to cling to in the face of your fears that you will not find the love you want in life.After I left my husband,I took a year off of love,as starved for it as I was, and in the end,found myself and reevaluated my priorities and got some much needed help and knowledge so that I could pass it on to decent,loving people like yourself who simply got caught up in thier own conditioned responses to exploitive people.I don't know if you have ever heard of a betrayal bond,but I know for me,it was at the crux of why I stayed forever stuck on a MM who was very narcissistic. I have left this hee before,because there is NO denying it's effects on us,and I wanted to show you something that might make some sense about your behavior.I bought and read Patrick Carnes' Book http://www.amazon.com/Betrayal-Bond-Breaking-Exploitive-Relationships/dp/1558745262 after I read and took this test http://www.sexhelp.com/betrayal_bond.cfm years ago and realized that I had a tendency to bond to exploitive people thanks to my sexual abuse history and having been raised by an Alcoholic,Narcissisitic Mother. We ALL have baggage of one kind or another is all I know and sometimes,when we have addictive personalities,or any form of codependency,we fall prey to people to all too easily exploit our vulnerabilities. I am happy for you that you are aware now of what the dynamics might be and why you kept going back to her and that I might have played a role in that awakening!! Not to mention that you are on your way to healing instead of continuing on a self destructive path no less harmful than alcohol. You know what you need to be happy and healthy and being with someone who pushes and pulls you and who is still actively drinking is NOT the way.I know that deep down you simply wanted to RESCUE her and it sounds as though she needed it,but couldn't handle your devotion to her and that is HER loss! I found this site too along time ago and it's been my saving grace. It seems we sometimes miss or don't get taught HOW to live life in a healthy way and we have to figure it out as we go! www.livestrong.com I am an Atheist so AA or anything that advocates giving our power and personal responsibility over strikes me as a cop out.I choose to take personal responsibility for my own choices,dysfunctional as they may be and I have faith in ME that I will figure out the problem and fix it for myself and I have learned to let go some of my overly compassionate traits so others don't take me down with thier own needs. As you can see,I am still working on it! lol There is a fine line between being codependant and being compassionate is all I know and I just FELT for you the second I read this thread.I could so identify with your plight.But I also know that I can't save you,I can only point my finger and hope you look and walk away without investing myself too much in the outcome. Seems to me,without compassion in the world,all that would be left is selfishness and self absorbtion and that is not what I have ever been about.I think it comes down to being VERY careful who you love and making sure it is RECIPROCATED and letting go of uncontrollables and unchangebles helps! http://www.livestrong.com/article/15087-letting-uncontrollables-unchangables/ What is the irrational thinking which leads you not to let go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in life? * I must solve every problem that comes my way. * Only I can solve these problems. * If I don't solve these problems, I will be seen by others as a failure or no good. * I need to fix all of these things perfectly and as soon as possible. * There is no one else available who is going to help me solve these problems. * All those people need to do is to follow what I've told them to do. * This place would be ideal if it would only do what I want it to do. * These things wouldn't be so bad off if they had been left to me to take care of by myself. * They don't know what to do and they need me to tell them. * They can't do anything right without me. If they lose or fail, it will reflect badly on me. * What would others think if things didn't work out the way they were supposed to? * I've only known crisis, chaos and panic in my life so why should I expect any peace, calmness or serenity if I leave them to take care of themselves? * I must make everything better around here or else I'll go crazy. * If I let go too soon, things might change and I'd be sorry for releasing them too prematurely. * If I let go of them, I might lose them. * If I stop trying to fix and change them, they would no longer need me and leave me. * There must be a way to turn them around and I can't give up yet. * What if they blame me for not taking care of them if they fail or fall flat on their faces? * I'd rather sacrifice myself than have them blame me later for not helping them. * They are so irresponsible they would never do it on their own. I can't tell you how much these are the reasons I allowed people to hurt me in life. I thought EVERYTHING was my responsiblility and within my control.HAHAHA! Not! The sad part is that when we do stop helping, some people DO leave us. When we ask for more,some don't come thru. When we show people by example how we want to be treated some are blind to it and mistreat us anyways. When we sacrifice for some,they don't even notice. So in truth, we are not wrong for trying to prove our love with actions, but we are sometimes wrong in who we choose to express ourselves to. Showing empathy and compassion isn't a disease in and of itself,it's actually very pro-social if you ask me,it's just when it is taken advantage of by selfish and unfeeling people and we continue to offer it when it is not deserved or appreciated that it becomes an issue we need to address. I know you will be OK Tyler.And I hope you know that just because you gave it your all,and more,doesn't mean your xMW can reciprocate and it's NOT personal.She has her limitations and YOU can't change that about her. Letting her go should be a little easier when you understand that if the choice to be healthy is to let her go,it will be worth it in the long run. Imagine her being a shot of Jack Daniels....and you being WAY too on the wagon to succumb to her charms.I am sure you will miss the intensity and passion she brought your life and chasing her will be a hard habit to break but I sense you are well on your way to finding what you need and not settling for what SHE needs. Time for some Healthy Narcissism in our lives and NO MORE CODEPENDENCY to Unhealthy Narcissitic people! [sIZE=4]Healthy narcissism is a mature, balanced love of oneself coupled with a stable sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Healthy narcissism implies knowledge of one's boundaries and a proportionate and realistic appraisal of one's achievements and traits.[/sIZE] More hugs for someone worthy of care,respect and help. Stranger or not.It's been my pleasure. One day at a time.................... :)Kristin:)
Author tyler123 Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Heart On- wow can i feel a great sense of compassion and love from you. i just put in my phone a reminder to look into the Betrayal Bond. I will check out the other link as well. I will say reading the check list of irrational thinking gave me some great insight ON ME and makes me feel more comfort and peace with my healing decision. I am not sure if i updated the board here on this-but i left my phone in my car yesterday during lunch. She called and left a voice mail acting sweet saying she is so sorry and there is no reason or execuse for going dark on me. she feels like its has been weeks since we talked- she has her kids this week and she is busy busy busy... well i felt my heart skip a beat but worked on breathing and came to the boards and read and wrote. Bottom line - is sure it's nice to hear a sorry- but the reality is those are just words and i've heard it time and time over the last 4yrs. I DID NOT call back or text- a little voice said to me i should forgive and be less sensitive and more understanding to her situation, but i think what kept me from taking this action is reality and being honest with myself that this dance has been going on way too long and my part in it is i keep allowing this treatment and believing her words - i ask myself do i really want someone who has so much emotional ties in her life to her ex H, kids, her big family etc- i am not a part of that life of hers - i am just an escape to her daily responsibilities- the more i stay away the more clearity i get in MY NEEDS and Wants. i want to share my love with someone that can reciprocate- and the truth is she never really has wanted to be that person, she has vocalized many of times that she does not want to hold me back- that she has so much going on in her life that any long term commitments are not something she can do. i am sure the further removed i get, the more my self esteem will improve without needing some dysfunctional relationship to dictate my mood. i am grateful for all of you and our struggles. i have always gave in to my temptation that she will wake up and see how great i am and want to give more attention / reciprocation to me- but it never plays out that way. i think with selfish people they might acknowledge they are wrong but continue to make it all about them. i am glad i have my feet out to be with my friends, work on MY ISSUES and not hers.. god knows i have a lot of demons to be messing tackling someone elses
Heart On Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 WOW! Now that is the sort of thinking that will get you everywhere! Congratulations on not giving in!!That is not an easy thing to do when you still feel the love(healthy or not) for someone,even when or because they are withholding it from you! I am sure it's a long time coming to disengaging from this and right from the get go deep down you knew this had very little chance,but damn if the false hope we get spoon fed doesn't keep us strung along. Heart On- wow can i feel a great sense of compassion and love from you. I am glad it translates thru cyberspace.. We 'empathetic givers" need to stick together is all I know. I also wanted to give you some hope. All of my life I have been either someone's victim or rescuer, I have finally found a happy medium now that I know I am worthy of alot more than I have settled for from men.That my choices will either help or hinder my personal growth and that if someone doesn't reciprocate love,I am gone sooner than ever.I have someone in my life,who knows exactly what it means to give and take love and it's AMAZINGLY different than what I have endured in the past. I wish that for you. You really sound like you are going to be OK! :):):):):):):):):):) Take care of you! K.
Bionic Me Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Tyler- God is faithful and doesn't forsake. Have faith and with a little bit of will and good faith, you WILL get through this. I wanted to ask because it stuck out to me- why "fake it till you make it"? You dont need to fake anything! Just keep real to yourself, focus on you and getting you better. You will see that someone else's demons wont tie you down. Unfortunately, we sometimes love people that don't even love themselves and we get lost in translation. Nobody is worth your sanity and good health. These are toxic personalities and they pollute whoever is around them as well. You are already in your path to recovery and one step ahead. Be blessed and keep strong! Life is getting you ready to receive your blessings but first get to a better place. I wish you well.
Author tyler123 Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Bionic me and Hard On- You help me so so much- i feel the presence of something bigger than myself- and i know on my own i crack but with you guys i feel hope and peace during this pain.. XOXO
Heart On Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Bionic me and Hard On- You help me so so much- i feel the presence of something bigger than myself- and i know on my own i crack but with you guys i feel hope and peace during this pain.. XOXO First off,you're never alone.There is always someone that cares about you,but you ultimately have the power to choose your own path,with or without us.Again,thanks for the gratitude. I know how good it felt to find people to validate and explain my experience and support me when I didn't know WTF was happening let alone why I was so lost! It also serves to remind me where I once was and how far I have come with the help of others. I am just paying it forward.One day when you feel stronger,maybe you can follow suit. And secondly.....thanks for the laugh! I actually intended my moniker to be a double entendre! But that's taking it too far! LMAO! K.
Bionic Me Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Tyler hold on Tight! You're not alone. Remember, when your mind is quiet and you're sitting in silence is when you are in the best company. At other times... you can come to this mad house and wild out. Lol!
Author tyler123 Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 well i was driving into work talking to a friend this morning- made it another night with out caving. as i was talking to the friend i got a text from HER- this followed me ignoring her voice mail wed and now a text this friday morning- she said " whats up?" and wanted to see how you are? well we never said we were taking a break, but i just decided to go NC cause i am tired of the 4yr rollercoaster. Well i texted her back _ ugh i know. i started to feel like an ass for ignorning her. i said i am doing really good and was just trying to let her be a mother to her kids that she has been incapable of doing because of her depression. i did not want to be confrontational or get into "my feelings of neglect " over text. Of course as i have said i was instantly waiting for her text back- i did say to her i look forward to catching up. i figured i need to be an adult and not avoid the situation. i need to be strong cause this is going to happen and i can not run from it- i can hear the little voice telling me to stuff how i have been feeling accept the bread crumbs and hope that she will still give them to me. BUt that is bull**** and i am not being true to myself. I need to remind myself that when i do talk to her- that i be genuine about ME and my needs. I am writing this to stop the noise in my head that is anticipating what she wants and is willing to give me and just being not in control. I need to tell her that i want to be with her but i need to keep going to AA meetings and working the steps and that is MY #1 priority. i can not nor want to be in a relationship with all this inconsistency in respect and communication- i know until she does the work i am willing to do in respects to sobriety there is no way i will not fall into the trap of being mis treated. i will print this out as a reminder.
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