arbrne_vet Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Where do i start. I have been with this woman for amost 4 years. about six months ago, we almost split. i did not want to loose her, so i proposed to her, and really truly meant it. i felt this was the woman i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Well, this was back in October. Since then, it has been hell. a one sided relationship. Where do i start. Well before october, she used to stop by my house a couple days a week, to say hi, give me a hug, and a kiss, then go. she has a daughter at home (15years old). i was ok with the short visit, in fact, i loved the fact that she took the time to stop by. she lives 30 miles away, in the country, and works a couple miles from where i live. She has not done this since October. she does not have time. she also goes to school, and used to do the same after school. she would stop by just for a couple minutes. again, i was ok with the short visit. this too stopped. she does not have a lot of money, that is why she is going to school. i have been doing everything i can to help her. i paid to put tires on her car, i paid to get her home furnace fixed. i fix everything in her house when something goes wrong. i pay every time we go out to eat, including when her kids go along. we really only see each other on the weekends. Again...since october everything changed, including our itimacy. she does not even want that any more. I patiently wait. We no longer have any alone time. she is too busy. i understand. she cannot stop by the house anymore, because she has to go home, her daugther is there. so...... Friday after work, she calls and tells me her and her co-workers are going out, and she wants to know if i want to go along. my first thought was , am i the third wheel in this bunch? would you like to "come along?" after everything i have done, no time alone she is too busy, she goes out with her co-workers??? and i am asked to come along??? then when i ask why she can leave her daughter at home, and go with her co-workers, but she cannot stop by to see me??? then...... come to find out her daugher was not home. so i asked her the first free night she has, and she chooses her friends over me. we have not had a "date" in months, and she wants me to "come along"???? after everything i have done for her. all the things i fixed, all the financial things i have done, the patients i have had because she is busy. i thought we were engaged. and she chooses her friends. then, she tells me i am selfish. i feel used. i feel all i am is someone to pay for stuff, to fix things, and the hell with everything else. she just keeps me tethered close enough to give me false hopes, but far enough away to be intimate physically or intellectually. she never once made any concern about my feelings over this matter, and did nothing but got mad at me, and called me selfish, and only thought about myself. i have done everything to help her with her house, her vehicles, and her school. she chooses her friends over me,and i am selfish?? WTF?????? So please tell me, and i selfish, or a fool for hanging on.
betterdeal Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Sounds to me like you've tried your best, but it hasn't worked out. Take a break from this relationship. You hardly see each other anyway. I'd not worry about her saying you're selfish. You're hurting inside and you need to treat yourself well now. Spend some money on you for a change.
JasonRules Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Where do i start. I have been with this woman for amost 4 years. about six months ago, we almost split. i did not want to loose her, so i proposed to her, and really truly meant it. i felt this was the woman i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Well, this was back in October. Since then, it has been hell. a one sided relationship. Where do i start. Well before october, she used to stop by my house a couple days a week, to say hi, give me a hug, and a kiss, then go. she has a daughter at home (15years old). i was ok with the short visit, in fact, i loved the fact that she took the time to stop by. she lives 30 miles away, in the country, and works a couple miles from where i live. She has not done this since October. she does not have time. she also goes to school, and used to do the same after school. she would stop by just for a couple minutes. again, i was ok with the short visit. this too stopped. she does not have a lot of money, that is why she is going to school. i have been doing everything i can to help her. i paid to put tires on her car, i paid to get her home furnace fixed. i fix everything in her house when something goes wrong. i pay every time we go out to eat, including when her kids go along. we really only see each other on the weekends. Again...since october everything changed, including our itimacy. she does not even want that any more. I patiently wait. We no longer have any alone time. she is too busy. i understand. she cannot stop by the house anymore, because she has to go home, her daugther is there. so...... Friday after work, she calls and tells me her and her co-workers are going out, and she wants to know if i want to go along. my first thought was , am i the third wheel in this bunch? would you like to "come along?" after everything i have done, no time alone she is too busy, she goes out with her co-workers??? and i am asked to come along??? then when i ask why she can leave her daughter at home, and go with her co-workers, but she cannot stop by to see me??? then...... come to find out her daugher was not home. so i asked her the first free night she has, and she chooses her friends over me. we have not had a "date" in months, and she wants me to "come along"???? after everything i have done for her. all the things i fixed, all the financial things i have done, the patients i have had because she is busy. i thought we were engaged. and she chooses her friends. then, she tells me i am selfish. i feel used. i feel all i am is someone to pay for stuff, to fix things, and the hell with everything else. she just keeps me tethered close enough to give me false hopes, but far enough away to be intimate physically or intellectually. she never once made any concern about my feelings over this matter, and did nothing but got mad at me, and called me selfish, and only thought about myself. i have done everything to help her with her house, her vehicles, and her school. she chooses her friends over me,and i am selfish?? WTF?????? So please tell me, and i selfish, or a fool for hanging on. As a man, let me sum up your situation: 1. Yes, you are being used financially 2. She probably has found someone else she has in mind, but doesn't have the decency to tell you so she is being distant so you pull the trigger yourself 3. If she has not been intimate with you in months, she's definitely not in love with you and does not find you appealing anymore (see point 2) 4. If someone wants to be with someone they WILL FIND TIME no matter what 5. The fact that you're even asking us if you're being "selfish" leads me to believe she has way too much influence over you. The words which come to my mind are: Naive, too willing, overly patient, used, idiotic What to do: 1. Break off the engagement (yes you heard me) 2. Ask for the ring back 3. Stop giving her money or doing things for her (what does she do for you? - NOTHING) 4. Start being a little selfish (currently you are nothing more than a doormat) 5. Stop asking her to do anything (see you, go out with you etc) 6. Simply disappear 7. Start hanging out with your buddies 8. Start looking for a new girl who will want you, care for you, and appreciate you 9. Hit the gym to relieve some stress and anxiety you feel over the situation Ultimately, I'm ORDERING you to take your life back INTO YOUR OWN HANDS. Stop allowing her to manipulate and control you like a puppy. The more you bend to try to make this "work" the more she disrespects you. Be a man and pull the trigger. Never allow anyone to treat you like this, ever.
broken-and-lost Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I'd sit her down and have the conversation tell her how your feeling and why you feel rejected check she is not suffering with any metal issues and then if you don't get the answers you need consider your future together
ASG Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Honestly, as a woman, if ANY guy went off on me for me wanting to go out with friends, specially when I'm inviting them to come along, I would rip them a new one. Being engaged doesn't mean you don't go out with friends. So yes, you are being selfish, on this particular instance. Also, you keep mentioning that she would come by your place... Why wouldn't you go by hers? If she made the effort before... you should have made it as well! Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but being "understanding" does nothing to resolve problems. Some things need to be put out there and talked about, specially if they bother you, as is the case with the lack of intimacy of the past few months. In regards to what JasonRules said, the not having sex doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't find you appealing anymore. Sometimes you just get overwhelmed for sex. Women don't work in the same way as men. Sometimes sex is just not in our minds, for whatever reason (being too busy one of those reasons). And sometimes when things fall into a routine, that can be a big turn off as well after a while. Something is up though, and you will need to discuss it with her and not just "understand". As for the money... well... stop doing it. I really hate it when people do things for another, and then when things go bad, throw it in their faces... If you paid for things, you did it because YOU wanted to. She owes you gratitude and maybe some money, if it was borrowed. She does not owe you her life if she is not happy with your relationship. So my advice is to talk to her and try to understand what is going on with her. If you think she's using you for money, then leave. If you think she doesn't love you anymore, leave. But never, under any circumstance, tell her that she can't go out with friends because she should be spending every single free time alone with you, or that you've "paid for this this and that and this is how you repay me?!" type phrases.
Author arbrne_vet Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 I never told her she could not go out with friends. my point, is that WE don't have alone time anymore. i went to her house very weekend. but WE were never alone. The fact that the first time she has some time, she chooses her friends over me, and i am asked to "come along". i have tried to talk to her, and she refuses. this has always been a one sided relationship. everything has always been my fault. even with misunderstandings. i even asked once is there never a misunderstanding, is it always my fault, and her response is always, yes because i never listen to her. she always had time to stop before, but now she does not. nothing in her life has changed. i used to go spend the night with her during the week if my son went to a friends house for the night. i cannot even do that because her 15 year old daughter sleeps in her bed, and it makes her daughter upset she has to sleep on her own bed when i come over. i feel with everything i do for her, and our lack of time together, that when she has a free evening for a couple hours with no children, that her first pick out to be me. or am i wrong??
ASG Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Then as Jason said, you need to take your life BACK! You can't just "understand" anymore, as you'll only be a doormat. Also, it is not normal for a 15 year old to sleep in her mom's bed. It also not normal for the mother to allow that and not let you stay over because of it. Seriously, I think you need to jump ship now. I don't think your relationship is salvageable, if it is how you are saying. It also doesn't help that she doesn't want to discuss your issues. It means she doesn't want an adult relationship... cause adults talk about things, communicate!
Author arbrne_vet Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 thanks ASG for your input. i was going to ask a woman's point of view. I did do many things for her, but i always told her i wanted to help her, i wanted to take care of her. i ALWAYS told her i would do whatever she needed to help her through school. all the time i spent on the comuter for her, because she does not have one, looking stuff up, enrolling in classes for her, etc, etc, etc. anything to keep her stress level down so she could concentrate on shcool. and all the while, she never wanted to talk about our relationship. we might as well have lived 10,000 miles apart because we had a "phone" relationship, and that was it. she never had time for me, but always had time when something needed to be fixed. i NEVER did anything with the intent of "repayment". when a relationship is based on "repayment" and "favors", then it is no longer a relationship. BUT, due to the fact that we NEVER have time alone, nor her desire to stop by for even a minute, makes me wonder. she did not even stop by valentines day, nor did she get me a card. When i am at her house, her daughter is there. so we are NEVER alone. i would think that when she has a free evening, that she would DESIRE for us to be together, to spend much needed quality time together. truth of the matter, she does not desire that time with me. everything has always been one sided. our disagreements have been me not listening. there are always two points of view in any misunderstanding, and i feel understanding BOTH points of view gets rid of ANY misunderstanding. she never cared about mine, mine was always wrong. maybe i just need to vent, maybe i have a lot of venting to do. we had a great relationship. we were so close, talked about everything, did everything. then it all stopped. it stopped in October, and has never been the same, has never progressed.
ASG Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Maybe you really should have broke up in October, cause it seems she checked out of the relationship then... You need to put yourself first. And in this case, I think it means breaking up. But try to talk to her one last time. Try to have her say what is wrong and why she checked out of the relationship. Tell her that you're not happy and things need to change. And if you can't make her open up... then all you can do is let her go. Or be miserable for the rest of your life, until she eventually leaves. I'm really sory you're going through this and I realise maybe this isn't what you wanted to read... but I think it may be time to pull the plug...
Author arbrne_vet Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 it's time to let it go. i have talked to her, and it is the same old thing. i was not a bad person to her. i did everything i could for her while things were "good". i am not sure what happened in her life. i know she is not a happy person, i knew that soon after we started dating. she always said her life was miserable,and i was the only good thing. she is very insecure, but i felt i could overlook this. then last september, she went out, hid it from me. said she went out with her friends. she told me all the things she did not like. i felt they were not major issues, but she did, and if she did, then i would change them. i did. but nothing mattered. she just kept throwing the past in my face. most were "misunderstandings" but again, it was always her point of view. she could never see my side, and if she would have ever taken the time and energy, she would have known. Yes, she did check out in October. i guess i have been fighting to get it back, but it is something she does not want. i am not quite sure why she has even been around, if i can use that term. the only time she has had is to call me to and from work, and before she went to bed. there was really nothing else in between. ya, i could always fix things. i need to get this off of my chest, and move on. i have been holding on and hoping for something that never will be. this is going to be hard. not impossible, but hard.
Author arbrne_vet Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 just to add to the above, i believe i have been in nothing but denial for the past 6 months. hoping, any day things would get better. nothing has changed since October, absolutly nothing. she is not any closer today than she was then. she has not made any attempt to work on this relationship. none, zip nadda. i have been fooling myself. quite frankly, i am wondering why the hell she has been doing this. maybe what was said is right. she is seeing someone. she surly does not want sex with me anymore. as much as i have tried, always some lame ass excuse.
ASG Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I don't think she's necessarily seeing someone. The not wanting to have sex does not always have to do with there being another person. I think if there was someone else she probably would have left before. Right now, she's just existing in your relationship, maybe for fear of being alone, even though she kind of is, seeing as she doesn't open up to the person she's supposed to be closest to. I don't know... What I do know is that you need to release yourself from this and seek happiness somewhere else. I wish you the best of luck!
Author arbrne_vet Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 The only thing she has ever said is that she needs time to get to the spot where she can start working on the relationship. it has been 6 months, and nothing. i have sat and tried to talk to her about what i can do, what she can do to work on this. her response a few months back was her presence should be enough for me now. i have sat back, and done everything for her, and yet she has made no attempt to work on this relationship. over the weekend when things heated up, her response was "i told you what i needed". i take that as time to get to the point where she can work on this. what the hell!! i am going to try to talk to her one last time, and if it is the same thing, after six months if she still is not at that "place" then i guess it's time to find someone else.
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