Sousou Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Hi, I was in a relationship for just over 7 years - and things have been rocky for the past 3 yrs. Due to quite a few reasons - I grew up, finished my degrees, got onto and up the career ladder, and he hadn't. He is 5 yrs older than me - does not have a career, or a job. Is unmotivated, spoilt (his family is rich), irresponsible, does not have ambitions and has been smoking weed every day non-stop since he was 18. All those reasons in mind - I knew deep down that we were growing apart, partly because I had matured (we first starting dating when we were still at university), and I was determined to make something out of my life. He was still stuck at where he was 7 years ago: no degree, no job and a very bad weed habit. He was my first true love - and we always tried to make things work. Eventually, he relocated for me last year as we had plans to get married but a year later things haven't gone to plan (hence I am writing this here now!). Now the main problem: We have a mutual female friend whom for years I thought of as a sister, we used to be so close and I never had a problem with her. Back in the days while I was at university, we all used to hang out, and toke weed together. Since I have graduated and got myself a job - I have been very anti-intoxicants and so have tried to get my bf to quit and focus instead on getting his life together and finding a job (he had a job before but lost it after 6 months because he used to go to work high/toke during his lunch break). As I no longer join my bf and our mutual female friend when they go to score - I am usually at work and refuse to tag along to something I do not want to be a part of - they have been hanging out alot more than I would like them to. He would drive her around so she can do her shopping, run her errands for her, pick her up and take her to go hang out with his friends, call eachother nearly everyday, she would discuss her problems she is having with her bf (she is now single, her bf cheated on her), and he tells his problems to her that he is having with me, and more importantly plan and go with each other to score. I have now cut off with this female friend because: 1) she would blatantly lie to my face when I ask her if she was just on the phone to my bf, 2) say to my face that she will not ask my bf to go and score with him because she "knows how much I want him to quit and get his **** together" - but then next day they are together scoring, 3) she took him lingerie shopping for HER bf and asked my bf for his advice (WTF?!) I may be over reacting but I feel that she is blatantly disrespecting me and lying to me for her own selfish needs (to score weed with my bf who has a car), uses my bf as a substitute for her bf (run errands for her, etc) and more importantly, her lying to my face. Even though she has assured me a hundred times she does not view my bf in a sexual way - her actions (lying to me/disrespcting me) make me doubt her intentions. As for my bf - last week I found a picture of her on his phone. It's quite insignificant but it was the caller ID picture. I know - I probably am over reacting with this one but it was a picture of our female friend that was taken without her paying attention. My bf admitted that he took the picture so he can put it to her contact on his phone. I naturally saw this and freaked out. It was not enough that his 'friendship' with her was bothering me because I felt disrespected by her, that he gave his number to my other friend the other week so they can 'hang out' (!!!), and to top it off he has our mutual friend's picture on his phone! Yes, all my resentment just pretty much came out at that point. He knew I was pissed - I kept brushing off his calls all week until I properly spoke to him a week after my outburst and I told him that I felt disrespected because he is continuing to hang out with this mutual friend despite how I feel (I also have a suspicion that he has feelings for her - recently he's been critisicing me alot). And that I will not tolerate his or her disrespect. I told him that he will not have his cake and eat it: if he wants to continue hanging out with the girl that is disrespectful of me - never contact me again. It's been 2 weeks and he hasn't contacted me. I know that is his answer - he has chosen to keep the mutual friend in his life over me, but the question is, did I over react? Bearing in mind this 'mutual friend' stress has been going on for the past 6 months now... Help (heartbroken, but trying to get over it)!
PegNosePete Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 No I don't think you over-reacted at all. He has made it clear where his priorities lie. Sounds like you weren't very well matched anyway. You deserve better than him. There are plenty of non-druggies with jobs out there who would appreciate someone like you and treat you right. I know 7 years is a long time but you need to ditch him and don't speak to either of them again.
Author Sousou Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 Thank you - you are right, even though I am extremely heart broken there is no way I can tolerate his or her disrespect; especially after he chose the cowardly way out (choosing not to contact me, instead of telling me straight he doesn't care about my feelings). Based on this - is it safe to assume he likes her more than just a friend?
PegNosePete Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 To be honest it's not worth thinking about. Just think about your relationship with him. If it's over then it's over, and to be honest it sounds like it's been virtually over for quite a long time. Whether they are just friends or more, doesn't change anything.
Author Sousou Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 True - I'm just a tad confused, why choose to continue a friendship that disrespects your gf? :S
stace79 Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 You SO did the right thing. He was disrespectful toward you, and even if he wasn't it sounds like you deserve SO much better than a pothead who screws around all day doing nothing worthwhile with his life. I do not think you were wrong at all.
Author Sousou Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 Thanks Stace - the general consensus is that I did the right thing. I think I may be going through the 'grieving' stage at the moment...
PegNosePete Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 True - I'm just a tad confused, why choose to continue a friendship that disrespects your gf? :S Cos he's a disrespectful pothead loser who doesn't appreciate the good things in his life and only cares about getting stoned and hanging out with stoner friends. Unfortunately you probably won't get any better answer than that
Author Sousou Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Thanks PegNosePete - you're probably right
Kinder-Horror Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Oh my, of course you are heartbroken! I would be too. But you DID NOT make the wrong decision! Everything you did screams that you are a mature, completely together woman, and that your boyfriend and old friend are just adult versions of high schoolers. You seem to have your life together and you seem to be going places. Don't second guess yourself when you are the only one making clear decisions. You are most likely always going to have a soft spot for this guy - you have such a huge history. But it is okay to love someone and not be with them. Clearly he doesn't respect you enough to even STAY WITH YOU when you give him the option. He and this girl are each other's crutches and have built themselves a world of drugs, lies and disrespect. They want to stay there because staying there means they don't have to grow up. Why choose to continue to have a friendship that disrespects your gf? Because you don't respect your gf! They pretty much were dating... without dating. But they were each other's second bf/gf. And the fact that he hasn't called is enough of an answer for you. Keep your chin up and move on knowing you are the better person in this entire scenario. More importantly, when he does call (and he will one day), hold your ground.
Author Sousou Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Thanks Kinder-Horror, yes ultimately it does mean that he has no respect for me I hope things will get easier - deep down I know it will be difficult tho (7 yrs is hard to shake off), but chin up indeed (or I will drive myself nuts). I doubt he will ever call - he has made his own bed, as they say. And, there would be absolutely no reason to contact me.
Kinder-Horror Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I am glad you have such a clear head about this. 7 years is an extremely long time. My ex and I were together 3 years and almost had an identical scenario - and I still think about him from time to time simply because he was a huge part of my life. It does get easier though - especially for you since you are in the best possible position out of all three of you. I say he will call because you sound like you have yourself together... and he doesn't, which means he will probably always think of you and want you when things go sour or he gets lonely or that girl doesn't come through for some reason.
Author Sousou Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Thank you What happened between you and your ex?
Kinder-Horror Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Thank you What happened between you and your ex? I was in college - he had his associates already when I met him (I met him at 18, he was 23 and we went on for a little over three years total). I fell in love with him - and I fell hard. We were so compatible in every way... But he kept quitting every decent job he would get and just hang out at home and get high. At first I tried to let it go - I was still in school and so i didn't necessarily need him to be all grown up yet... I figured I would just address the problem if it was still around when I graduated. But it eventually just got worse. He would spend the day smoking and playing video games all day while I was at school and work (and yet still wouldn't put much effort into me when I was around) - and then I ended up finding out that he was flirting with other girls while I was busy having responsibilities...and it was all just too much. I was dating a kid. When I found out about the flirting, I confronted him and he just seemed to not care so I walked away and told him to clean his life up. He came back a little here and there - mostly when he was lonely, or sober. But overall... three years post break up - I'm 24 with two degrees and a career and he is still unemployed, smoking pot and playing video games.
Author Sousou Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 OMG - sound so familiar minus a few minuscule details! I admire that you had the courage to leave him - I really wish I was able to do that years ago too. Clearly he didn't deserve you - 3 years later and he still hasn't cleaned up? Gosh! I went through exactly what you did - but at double the time. Sheesh, I can't believe I wasted 7 years on him thinking (hoping? waiting?) that he would change! How are you coping now?
Woman In Blue Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 .....and he tells his problems to her that he is having with me, and more importantly plan and go with each other to score. Oh, that IS rich - his 'problems' with you? And what would those 'problems' BE - that you're not a shiftless, lazy, worthless ass who smokes pot all day and can't even hold a menial job because you're STONED 24 hours a day? And that you don't let mommy and daddy support your worthless loser ass because you've chosen to actually be a PRODUCTIVE human being and support yourself? Gosh, I can see why that's such a 'problem' for this waste of human hair. I say this in all honesty - who CARES what your loser ex-boyfriend was doing with his LOSER female friend? The two of them bring NOTHING positive to the table - water seeks it's own level and these two bottom-feeders think a productive day is 'scoring' drugs and spending the rest of the day being stoned. He couldn't BE a bigger loser if he tried. Oh wait - yes he could. He could be doing this same nonsense at 45 years old - and I'll bet he WILL be. Get down on your knees, fold your hands together, look up to the Heavens and THANK THE POWERS THAT BE that this loser is out of your life. You may not realize it now, but I guarantee ONE DAY you will.
Kinder-Horror Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 OMG - sound so familiar minus a few minuscule details! How are you coping now? Initially - I thought I never would get over it. And like I said, I still care about him. I love him and I don't want something bad to happen to him, but I also know he isn't right for ME. At first I depended heavily on friends. Went out with them on the weekends, got the drinking and venting out of my system. Bought seasons of many a television show on DVD and watched them... and then went into "beautify myself" mode. Not just physically, but mentally. The best piece of advice I received is that when you make positive changes in your life, positive people will gravitate towards you - and those were the types of people I wanted. I started running in the morning, cleaning, taking yoga (even though I was scared of it)... doing things I always wanted to do, but didnt have any extra time or energy to do. Now here I am, three years post break up, and happier than ever (and engaged as of a month ago)!
Author Sousou Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Love it Woman In Blue! Clearly yes, those were very serious problems for him - hmmm! You are right, they really did not bring anything positive to the table and well about him being 45 and still toking, well we'll just have to wait 14 years to find that out (not long now!). Yes, shockingly he's 31 and she's 32. Lol - and they're both older than me! It is hard to see right now that both of them out of my life is a good thing - but I'm trusting all the good advice that I've heard from you guys. I have faith that all will work out for the better, without him Thank you again, Woman In Blue
Author Sousou Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 That is so true Kinder-Horror, apparently it's all about the laws of attraction My best friend was banging on at me about this book called the 'Secret' - I eventually downloaded the movie and it pretty much says once you start thinking positive thoughts and fill your life with positivity, that's when good things are 'attracted' to you. Guess you've mastered that pretty well - so proud Congratulations on your engagement, what a perfect ending (and an additional nugget of inspiration too if I may add) Thank you for all your help x
GPFan Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 True - I'm just a tad confused, why choose to continue a friendship that disrespects your gf? :S What I see happening here is that the true love-of-his-life is MaryJane (Marijuana or MJ) and you were no longer willing to play handmaiden to MJ. He had to find someone else to play handmaiden, freeing you to find someone who is on your level as opposed to beneath you. You should thank him.
GPFan Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 ... apparently it's all about the laws of attraction My best friend was banging on at me about this book called the 'Secret' - I eventually downloaded the movie and it pretty much says once you start thinking positive thoughts and fill your life with positivity, that's when good things are 'attracted' to you. Guess you've mastered that pretty well - so proud So have you!
Author Sousou Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Awww - thanks GPFan! Though it doesn't feel like I've mastered anything right now, am still trying to mend my broken heart.. but I can see where you are coming from That is true about playing handmaiden - I've been battling with his love for far too long. Guess he can have her all to himself now. I just loved him too much to just stand there and watch him live his life patiently waiting for death. Alas, big picture is he chose her over me. Good riddance
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