MBUK1977 Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Good morning. Me and my partner of 2 years are good friends with a couple from school where our kids go. We spend alot of time together and have a lot of fun and a lot in common. On Saturday we had a BBQ at our house and only the female partner came as her husband was helping someone move home. Anyway its fair to say alot of alcohol was consumed and before we know it, it's 4am and me, my partner and our friend are in bed cuddling. Our friend starts to kiss my girlfriend, who responds favourably. I am encouraged to join in and although full intercourse didn't occur with our friend, everything else did. She went home yesterday morning. I had to see her later in the day to do with something else, but the atmosphere was strange. Although I enjoyed the experience, I kind of wish it hadn't happened as I have an awful feeling in my gut that a line has been crossed and we won't all have the relationship we had with each other. I have text her to see if everything is ok and she said its more than ok and said i'm being silly, but something just tells me I should be worried about our friendship now. Has anyone else had this experience? My name is Mike, by the way. Hi!
OldOnTheInside Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 (edited) Does the friend's husband know about this? I'm guessing no. Do you plan on telling him? This has definitely changed the dynamic of you relationship with them. Tell your partner about your insecurities if you haven't already. Edited April 11, 2011 by OldOnTheInside
Author MBUK1977 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 Does the friend's husband know about this? Tell your partner about your insecurities if you haven't already. Hi. No he doesn't know, it would destroy him. We all hate ourselves, trust me, because he is the nicest person in the world. My partner says i'm worrying about nothing and it was just all as a result of too much sun and too much booze.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Hi Mike. Welcome to LS. I totally disagree that telling her husband is "the right thing to do". Indeed I think it is the wrong thing to do--what could possibly be gained by that? The fact of the matter seems to be simply that you have a conscience and it's bothering you. If I were you I'd be a bit more concerned about "my" partner. She either doesn't seem to have a conscience or is turned on by the experience--perhaps even wanting it secretly before it happened. That's what would be bothering me more than anything. I don't think I would have done this so I don't know what kind of self-recriminations come with it but you either made a choice or just let the moment carry you and now reality is here. That's the price. I hope you weather it and everything works out.
WorldIsYours Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Hi Mike. Welcome to LS. I totally disagree that telling her husband is "the right thing to do". Indeed I think it is the wrong thing to do--what could possibly be gained by that? The fact of the matter seems to be simply that you have a conscience and it's bothering you. If I were you I'd be a bit more concerned about "my" partner. She either doesn't seem to have a conscience or is turned on by the experience--perhaps even wanting it secretly before it happened. That's what would be bothering me more than anything. I don't think I would have done this so I don't know what kind of self-recriminations come with it but you either made a choice or just let the moment carry you and now reality is here. That's the price. I hope you weather it and everything works out. So the husband does not need to know?
OldOnTheInside Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 (edited) So the husband does not need to know? Didn't you know that a conscience is a bad thing.... Here's what I think, if you feel any empathy towards the BS's situation, or if you know that this is something that you will be unable to get over, then tell him. If you think you can get over it then don't tell him and move on with your own life. You have to make the decision OP, not us. I would also take your gf's reaction into consideration. She seems to have a casual view of infidelity, from what you have told us. Do you consider her to be LTR material? Edited April 11, 2011 by OldOnTheInside
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Hi Mike. Welcome to LS. I totally disagree that telling her husband is "the right thing to do". Indeed I think it is the wrong thing to do--what could possibly be gained by that? The fact of the matter seems to be simply that you have a conscience and it's bothering you. If I were you I'd be a bit more concerned about "my" partner. She either doesn't seem to have a conscience or is turned on by the experience--perhaps even wanting it secretly before it happened. That's what would be bothering me more than anything. I don't think I would have done this so I don't know what kind of self-recriminations come with it but you either made a choice or just let the moment carry you and now reality is here. That's the price. I hope you weather it and everything works out. Since when is honesty bad? If I knew someone was stealing money from you... isn't it my responsibility to let you know? How is this different?
Feelin Frisky Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 It was an indiscretion which the OP is regretting. If he decides that it will never happen again and lives that commitment, the indiscretion will not become the worst case scenario it portends. What sense other than being George Washington and that you can not tell a lie, you chopped down the cherry tree so you can tell god when you die you're a truther, could there be to telling this other man the worst fu_king news he might ever want to hear? Gimme a break. Honesty is the best policy and the OP and wife should not have taken this course without the man's knowledge. Now it's just damage control and telling the other man serves no purpose except to rinse your own conscience at the expense of his trust, faith and love in his wife and his affection for the perps as friends.
Bryanp Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Mike, If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know? This guy is such a nice guy but you are now part of a plot to make him look like a total fool. Does he really deserve this from you? I would also be concerned about your girlfriend's attitude. What is to stop her from engaging in this situation again when you are not around? We now know she would never tell you. The bottom line is that you need to tell the husband.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Can someone please say why exactly he should tell her husband? What's the end game here?
Memphis Raines Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I have text her to see if everything is ok and she said its more than ok and said i'm being silly, but something just tells me I should be worried about our friendship now. oh I'd say you do, even though this isn't a friendship. I'd say you have to worry about her husband knowing. Something tells me he wouldn't approve and that is why she is acting funny. She cheated on him. And you betrayed a "friend".
Memphis Raines Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 What sense other than being George Washington and that you can not tell a lie, you chopped down the cherry tree so you can tell god when you die you're a truther, could there be to telling this other man the worst fu_king news he might ever want to hear? nah, worst news is finding out his wife is a skank later on in life, when he could have made a decision about his life long ago.
OldOnTheInside Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Since you aren't going to change each others opinions, why don't you just stop now? This thread will inevitably go around in circles like every other thread that turns into a flame war... To OP, do what you think is right, defined by your own morality, not ours. Don't be hasty, carefully think of the concequences of telling or not telling. Some questions... Do you (deep down) feel that this man should know of what has transpired? Do you consider yourself to be an honest person overall, or only of there is a benefit to yourself? Do you believe in ethical egoism or altruism? As a BS, if my wife had cheated (which she did), I would expect a friend to inform me, rather than let my wife gaslight me for years. But I'm not the your friend's H. It is up to you OP.
JustJoe Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Can someone please say why exactly he should tell her husband? What's the end game here? If you believe that a 'coverup', is preferable to the truth, then I would be examining my own principles , if I were you , Frisky.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 simple, he has a right to know. He has a right to know that his wife is not faithful to him, that she is willing to make a fool out of him, that she is willing to deceive him, and that she is willing to put his health at risk of a std. The simple truth is honesty He also has the right to remain blissfully ignorant too. Who is to say what he should have to feel or face? This was a single night of drunken indiscretion which did not go all th way to intercourse. There are a few choices here one of which is to decide if it is ever going to happen again. If the commitment is made and fulfilled there is no clear reason why the other guy HAS TO BE TOLD. It's his wife's business to decide if she wants to carry on unfaithfully. If she makes that decision, she should tell him. In no way is this ever going to sound good for the OP whether he tells the other guy or the wife does so, what the hell, stay out of it. I can't see the crusade here for truth and righteousness--no honesty is going to fix this. Some new "discretion" might be a wise choice that may let the poor guy off with blissful ignorance while the guilty suffer in silence. I don't behave like that so thankfully I don't have to deal with this but the OP needs to hear something besides the easy chair righteousness of honesty that can really destroy.
hoping2heal Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Hi. No he doesn't know, it would destroy him. We all hate ourselves, trust me, because he is the nicest person in the world. My partner says i'm worrying about nothing and it was just all as a result of too much sun and too much booze. Well, you know now it was a mistake and honestly, I do not say this sarcastically at all- but it could be worse - you could be like your partner and have no remorse, followed by taking no personal responsibility for what obviously was inappropriate because she is married, albeit consensual. at least you actually have a conscience, and that is always the light in the darkness of our mistakes.
JustJoe Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 He also has the right to remain blissfully ignorant too. Who is to say what he should have to feel or face? This was a single night of drunken indiscretion which did not go all th way to intercourse. There are a few choices here one of which is to decide if it is ever going to happen again. If the commitment is made and fulfilled there is no clear reason why the other guy HAS TO BE TOLD. It's his wife's business to decide if she wants to carry on unfaithfully. If she makes that decision, she should tell him. In no way is this ever going to sound good for the OP whether he tells the other guy or the wife does so, what the hell, stay out of it. I can't see the crusade here for truth and righteousness--no honesty is going to fix this. Some new "discretion" might be a wise choice that may let the poor guy off with blissful ignorance while the guilty suffer in silence. I don't behave like that so thankfully I don't have to deal with this but the OP needs to hear something besides the easy chair righteousness of honesty that can really destroy. the truth destroys nothing, the damage was caused by the "indiscretion". The truth brings this sorry action to the attention of the wronged, and gives him the positive information he needs to either repair his M or quit. Saying that you 'cover up ', to spare the BS is clearly an excuse, to ease the mind of the guilty, and nothing more.
JustJoe Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Also, this is almost surely to come out at some time. The four of you are too close for it to remain secret for very long. Remember the old saying:, "three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead".
hoping2heal Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 He also has the right to remain blissfully ignorant too. Who is to say what he should have to feel or face? This was a single night of drunken indiscretion which did not go all th way to intercourse. There are a few choices here one of which is to decide if it is ever going to happen again. If the commitment is made and fulfilled there is no clear reason why the other guy HAS TO BE TOLD. It's his wife's business to decide if she wants to carry on unfaithfully. If she makes that decision, she should tell him. In no way is this ever going to sound good for the OP whether he tells the other guy or the wife does so, what the hell, stay out of it. I can't see the crusade here for truth and righteousness--no honesty is going to fix this. Some new "discretion" might be a wise choice that may let the poor guy off with blissful ignorance while the guilty suffer in silence. I don't behave like that so thankfully I don't have to deal with this but the OP needs to hear something besides the easy chair righteousness of honesty that can really destroy. I agree. The wife made her own decisions, with no gun put to her head and she is the one ultimately, who did damage to their RS. She needs to be the one to decide to disclose or hide that information. I could never do that to DF because as much as disclosing would hurt him, hiding it would kill him - but those are hard questions she needs to ask herself and decisions she needs to make about her own marriage.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Can someone please say why exactly he should tell her husband? Uh, yes, because common sense says that such a person should be told by his partner when there is every chance he may find out through other avenues. IF there is essentially no chance a betrayed partner could find out otherwise, then it is best NOT to tell them. (this one is simple)
jnj express Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Hey feeling frisky---were you dropped on your head---the unsuspecting innocent H's wife cheated on him, and had sex with both another man and another woman---and HE DESERVES TO KNOW THAT HE HAS A SKANK FOR A WIFE-- So he can make an informed decision on how to spend the rest of his life, and so he can make sure this never happens again, and if condones it, and goes with it---then that is fine also----but he deserves to know!!!!----also what the he*l is she doing staying out all night when she has kids at home----- The OP here is just as bad---he knew what was going down and he had sex with the other guys wife--just cuz he didn't enter her body---doesn't mean it isn't sex---and the OP's GF is maybe the worst of all, as she put the whole thing together---and please don't put the blame on the sun, and the alcohol---the 3 of you cheated, you wanted to cheat, and you did cheat--- The other guys wife SHOULD HAVE BEEN SENT HOME, end of discussion---she has kids, she is a mother. Just out of curiosity OP, why did you let this happen at all?????------One thing is for sure---the 2 couples need to end their relationship as of now---cuz 3 of you can't be trusted, and as said before there are innocent kids, and an innocent H. involved Also OP, I would be worried as He*l about my GF, if I were you---how do you know she hasn't cheated on you---cuz she sure doesn't have much in the way of morals
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dreamingoftigers Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I often believe in disclosure, but in this case because the offense is soooo out of line with more then one person involved, I think that the wife needs to share it and everyone else go NC with her. She sounds like a nightmare and I think that this form of adultery would completely destroy someone.
jnj express Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Hey feeling frisky--when you give advice like that, you deserve what ever comes your way---and if you are to stupid to know better, tooooo bad,
Lucky_One Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Personally, I think that any telling of the H should come solely from the wife (the 3rd party). With the ease of the wife slipping into bed with you and your BF, I am sort of guessing that she and her H may have done this before, and that this won't be any big shock/surprise to him. Many many couples have threesome fantasies or curiosity, and it sounds to me that this was a one-off for you and your GF. I would talk about how you feel about this with your GF (see if she has any discomfort as well, or if this is something y'all want to incorporate in your lives on a regular basis, or what), and depending on what you two come to an agreement on as a partnership, then behave accordingly towards the friend/wife. But honestly, I see an awful lot of name-calling here, when it doesn't appear justified with such limited information.
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