Can't Stop Doing It

[smudge21]

Even after removing my ex from Facebook, saying goodbye when she asked why, deleting all contact... I seem to be now doing even more to find out about her.

 

Just last night I Googled her email address and found a few forums she'd been on, with pics of a party. She looked amazing (obviously, to me) and for a brief second it felt good to see her, but then (and now) I feel totally terrible.

 

The thing is, I know it's going to happen too. I know that I'll feel bad after seeing a pic or finding out what she's up to, yet I still do it. Not every day, but occasionally.

 

Seriously, why do I (and others from what I've seen on here) do this... and how can I stop???

[Perhaps]

Even after removing my ex from Facebook, saying goodbye when she asked why, deleting all contact... I seem to be now doing even more to find out about her.

 

Just last night I Googled her email address and found a few forums she'd been on, with pics of a party. She looked amazing (obviously, to me) and for a brief second it felt good to see her, but then (and now) I feel totally terrible.

 

The thing is, I know it's going to happen too. I know that I'll feel bad after seeing a pic or finding out what she's up to, yet I still do it. Not every day, but occasionally.

 

Seriously, why do I (and others from what I've seen on here) do this... and how can I stop???

 

You're obviously hurting and that's totally acceptable. What's not acceptable is you amplifying the pain.

 

Here's a way of making yourself feel better. Every time you have the urge to look her up, open up a Word document and write how you feel - atleast a paragraph. Write about how long it's been and more importantly, what steps you are taking and the steps you plan to take to improve your mental and emotional well being. These could include going for a jog, reading a good book, etc.

 

In fact, I recommend you do this daily, if you can. I can guarantee that if you do this, and actually follow through with your plan to make constructive use of your time and emotions, you will become stronger.

 

Of course, we can cook the food and, we'll even put it in your mouth. But ultimately, you have to chew it and swallow it and nourish yourself.

 

Look at this time as an opportunity to better yourself, to learn from your mistakes. The perfect opportunity to rebuild yourself is when you feel you are broken.

 

Be kind to yourself.

[betterdeal]

It's an unhelpful thought pattern, that's all. There's lots of ways to break the habit. As Perhaps has suggested, writing is one of them.

 

Putting an elastic band around your wrist is another. When you get the urge to smoke / look her up / comfort eat / other self-destructive behaviour, accept the feelings, give yourself a little time to experience the feelings, then snap the elastic band and think about something completely different and unrelated. Preferably something happy that you remember, like a childhood memory, or something that made you smile recently.

 

You accept the feelings, acknowledge them, then do something enjoyable.

 

You'll soon retrain your brain.

[Fufu]

Stop finding out, start doing things to distract yourself.

 

Like go out have fun with your friends

read a book

pick up a new sport or something

[brokendreamz]

Hi All,

 

I'm 3 months out of an LTR. Over these last months I have come to various conclusions on why she left. We are in LC but have a house to sell so still talk from time to time. Every time we speak I find it almost impossible not to quiz her about various things.

 

In some respects I'm lucky as I now understand what happened and I will make sure it NEVER happens again:

 

I am a depressive

 

I pushed and pushed her away while she tried her best to stick with me (neither of us realised why I was so moody and down until I saw the doctor - after she left)

 

By that time it was too late - she just thought I was a negative person and she didin't want to be with someone like that

 

I have been on meds and talking therapy, reading books and trying to beat it into submission and I feel like I'm beginning to come out the other side

 

I am sooo gutted that I didn't do something sooner - I would have saved our relationship and a lot of bad times

 

I am wracked with guilt and literally can not stop thinking about how bad I treated her and what I've lost. I'd do anything to make it up to her but she says her feelings for me have died although she will always love me.

 

I just wanted to write this down so I can re read it and hopefully remind myself that she didn't leave 'me' she left the depressed version of me, a version I could have done noting about without help and I would not have sought help if she hadn't left, so perhaps it was for the best (although I'm having a hard time convincing myself of that!)

 

Anyone got any good suggestions on how to stop these thoughts circling all day?!

[brokendreamz]

SORRY!!!!

 

I posted that in the wrong place, I thought I was starting a new thread.

 

Sorry sorry sorry!!

[smudge21]

Thanks for the replies, and you're all right. I knew you would be. In fact, I even knew what you'd say, cos it's the same thing I'd be saying. But often, doing is easier then saying. I can see the mistake I'm making here and I know the hurt it will cause, yet I still do it.

 

If this was causing a physical pain, I'd stop straight away, but this is a mental heart break pain and it's so different. I think that pain is the final connection to her, and the thought that once that pain is gone, then so are my feelings for her. I know it's coming, I can feel it every day, but it's all about accepting that it is truly 100% over... I guess that's the hard part.

[betterdeal]

Anyone got any good suggestions on how to stop these thoughts circling all day?!

 

Deal with the depression first. You have plenty of time to deal with the other stuff, so juts let it roll along as it will, whilst you are making solid steps towards being more active, eating better, thinking better, being better, and when you have enough reserve built up you can start tackling the other stuff more directly.

[smudge21]

Thanks for that Betterdeal.

 

Well just found out some info on the ex that really has totally knocked me down. She's marrying her on/off boyfriend (known each other since school, and they've dated/split up so many times) and may well be pregnant.

 

I guess there was always part of me that hoped she'd come back - you know, go NC and see what happens... now this news has destroyed all that. Or is it this news has woken me up to the reality that she's truly gone. Either way, I feel like ****!

 

No idea what to do - drink... cry... hide away and hope that tomorrow I wake up and it's a year ago so I can change everything and never meet her!

 

Feel totally and utterly lost...

[betterdeal]

I suggest you think about grieving your loss, and crying, letting the feelings out, is part of grieving. And work on you. Even the smallest things can help - cut your toenails, get a haircut, drink some cool, refreshing water, and just enjoy the sensation of whatever it is. Letting go is the way to go, and no contact is just part of letting go. You're in an interesting growth period of your life now.

[smudge21]

Thanks once again. I've got to force myself NOT to go looking for info on her. I've got to remember that no good will come from it and that I'll only end up getting hurt like yesterday.

 

... it's hard though!

[Beeotch]

Even after removing my ex from Facebook, saying goodbye when she asked why, deleting all contact... I seem to be now doing even more to find out about her.

 

Just last night I Googled her email address and found a few forums she'd been on, with pics of a party. She looked amazing (obviously, to me) and for a brief second it felt good to see her, but then (and now) I feel totally terrible.

 

The thing is, I know it's going to happen too. I know that I'll feel bad after seeing a pic or finding out what she's up to, yet I still do it. Not every day, but occasionally.

 

Seriously, why do I (and others from what I've seen on here) do this... and how can I stop???

 

 

You do it until you get tired of doing it...

 

That's how it works and the ONLY way you can truly stop.

 

I don't reprimand people for doing stuff like that, as I think there is this natural phase that like a cold has to just run it's due course and you can't stop it. It just has to end on it's own.

 

I remember going through that phase and one day it just stopped....gradually I'd go through days, then weeks, then months of not caring or searching until I couldn't tell the last. You come to that point on your own. I did though try to tell myself that it would hurt to look and recall the last I looked and thought of how angry I'd be, that helped me to avoid for a while....but as for when it becomes more natural, it's a process that really happens on its own.

[Exit]

It's not easy. I'm on my first day of saying goodbye to my girlfriend, and it partially ended because I was already e-snooping while we were in a rocky phase, and I found her on some networking site talking to guys and putting up pictures of herself. I promised myself and her that I wasn't going to look after this now that it's over, because it will just cause pain. And despite the fact that you think the last thing we'd want in the world after being heartbroken is MORE pain, it does become kind of a sick addiction. Maybe 5% of you believes you're going to find something GOOD when you snoop around, the rest of you knows it's just going to hurt, but you can't stop.

 

There are two good suggestions in this thread already. Writing is great. You can write to/about yourself if you want, sometimes I even write letters to the person I'm thinking about, and obviously just never give it to them. I have a feeling over the next few days I'll be writing my ex some "letters", just to say what I need to say, to face my feelings, and to try to get over it. It may seem a bit weird or obsessive to do that, but it's a heck of a lot better than actually trying to contact the person and keep discussing it with them.

 

The other good post mentioned that you'll stop when you're ready. It's a destructive behavior, it's a terrible thing to do to yourself, and as much as I want to agree with the "just stop" response, it doesn't always work that way, especially for me. Part of us wants to feel the pain, maybe it actually helps us get over it and accept that they're gone. It does provide some sort of release. Knowing you want to look at it and trying to stop yourself will just have you climbing up the walls with anxiety. Look if you want, know you're going to get hurt, let it hurt, and then go on with your day. Maybe it helps us accept that the person is not who we thought they were, that they've changed, and that they're gone. Rather than sit around hoping the person you loved is still out there and still missing you, seeing pictures of them having fun at a party kinda gives you a dose of reality. I have a previous ex whose websites I checked for a looooong time, and maybe now still every once in a rare while I still check, but it doesn't hurt, it doesn't really affect me, and I know I'm over it. It'll stop when it stops.

 

But in your case, finding out she's ready to marry someone else, it's likely time for you to stop, the sooner the better. Sounds like this one definitely got away. Maybe she had feelings for this other guy all along and finally realized she wants to be with him.

 

I know it's not easy. Pretty soon I'm about to crawl into bed for my first night alone. It's going to suck. Waking up is going to suck. And I'll have to fight my urges all day to check her web pages too.

[betterdeal]

Beeotch speaks wisdom! Never tell yourself off for whatever feeling you have. Tell yourself it might not be wise to do something, if you know so, but don't fight with yourself. Often, just by acknowledging the feeling and accepting it is valid, it dissipates.

 

It's your subconscious wanting to be acknowledged by your conscious mind more than anything. A simple "Yes dear, I know you miss her, and we can find out some information about her, but it will almost certainly hurt. Are you sure you want to do this?" to yourself is one way to put it. Eventually, the inner child will accept reality, satisfied that its feelings were felt by the inner adult.

 

Indeed, talking here about your feelings is one way of venting those feelings from the soul to the mind.

 

So don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing fine.

[health]

Even after removing my ex from Facebook, saying goodbye when she asked why, deleting all contact... I seem to be now doing even more to find out about her.

 

Just last night I Googled her email address and found a few forums she'd been on, with pics of a party. She looked amazing (obviously, to me) and for a brief second it felt good to see her, but then (and now) I feel totally terrible.

 

The thing is, I know it's going to happen too. I know that I'll feel bad after seeing a pic or finding out what she's up to, yet I still do it. Not every day, but occasionally.

 

Seriously, why do I (and others from what I've seen on here) do this... and how can I stop???

 

Oh boy. After my break up I didn't look at photos of her for1 year - the second year after I did cause a therapisttold me check them out who cares - I did, felt good.....then bad....then I check them again and it's like a buzz....then bad again. I don't even no anymore. Just make sure you heal before your next relationship. I'm not in one now, I'm wherever I am. I don't really care. Good luck, it;s your choice.

[9Lives]

Yeah, it is time to stop this now. Your not going to heal this way. You need to accept this is over and find a way to move on that is productive to your growth as a person.

 

This is someting I did and it became addictive and painful but I stopped because it was so painful. I dont want to hurt anymore and I dont want to remember or know what his life is like anymore. I want to totally forget right now cause remember him is pain. I want to be free

[smudge21]

Thanks for the comments. They really do help.

 

I guess a lot of why and others look for info on the ex is to find that small bit of hope that maybe they're thinking about us or reconsidering their decision. It's totally wrong because you're never likely to find the info you want.

 

I'm currently focusing on how bad I felt yesterday after finding out the news and that's so far keeping me from Googling...

[betterdeal]

Try focusing on something else. Like a career change. Or learning a new language.

[9Lives]

Thanks for the comments. They really do help.

 

I guess a lot of why and others look for info on the ex is to find that small bit of hope that maybe they're thinking about us or reconsidering their decision. It's totally wrong because you're never likely to find the info you want.

 

I'm currently focusing on how bad I felt yesterday after finding out the news and that's so far keeping me from Googling...

 

As long as you know that when you do it....you dont want to heal and you are asking for trouble. This statement wont stop you from doing it but Im just letting you know. It wont be pretty and it will probably get worst!!!

[KultKayleigh]

I'm having the same sort of problems as you know Smudge.... =/ and I can't stop looking at his pictures and loooking him up on google too =( i hate it... xxxx

[smudge21]

Try to do what I did - remember how it feels after you've found something out and then focus on it. Now everytime I get tempted to look (it was every day, now it's only occasionally) I recall how bad I feel afterwards as nothing I find out is going to make me feel any better.

 

Seriously, what are we expecting to read - that the ex wants us back and they've posted that all over Facebook or something. Surely if they wanted us back, we'd be the first to know anyway. It is better not to know and to completely move on.

[loverboy1984]

Im in the same situation. Its as if I go looking for pain. All I see is her moved on and me trailing behind.

 

I think we need to reprogram the reward center of our brain. Its like using a slot machine. You keep pulling the lever until you get something even though your on a losing streak. So do something else. Dont drink or do drugs. Sex may not feel as good now because it will leave you empty and you will think of her. Exercise, go on a nice drive, listen to some good music, talk to yourself about how amazing you are. If your into games play a video game to distract your mind and reprogram the addiction center into wanting to win the game. Or next time your online, go watch porn. It will distract you and you will see someone sexier than your girlfriend. these are all suggestions so dont laugh. If your not ready to date or see other people imagine yourself with a better, sexier woman and use that to build your confidence. That way you look forward to a better woman coming along.

 

Im hurt too. But think of it this way. we both dodged a bullet. these women are unstable and would have screwed us over eventually. Think of it as a blessing. Its easier said than done I know. Im 6wks of NC from a 6yr relationship and still have issues.

 

good luck buddy

[smudge21]

Thanks for that loverboy. Not looked for any info for many weeks now and it feels better, but do miss her so much - more her company and friendship then the intimate stuff.