She was a tease and a flake; how can I get to her friend who likes me?

[U1987]

So at the beginning of the semester, I met a nursing student in my class. She's pretty cute, and she had chatted me up a few times. We went out on 4 dates; we even made out on the first date and on the dates after. Then she just suddenly stopped talking to me. I had checked out on her facebook and she had left a pretty cryptic status update; it seemed like a friend died or something. I just backed off for a week or two and then I tried to set up another date with her, but she said she was busy.

 

I tried setting up another date for a whole month, but every time she either said she was "busy" or didn't respond right away, and she wasn't taking the time to chat in class. Eventually, after 6 weeks of this cat-and-mouse bull****, I just texted her on Thursday night, "Hey, should I just assume there's not going to be another date? It's okay if not, I just want to know." She didn't get back to me all weekend, so I sent this message to her on facebook the next Sunday night.

 

Me : I give up trying to talk to you.

 

Just remember, you're the one who chatted me up a whole bunch of times, told me to text you whenever, offered to skip class to go out and so on, not me.

 

I wouldn't have even tried if you hadn't said those things.

 

Don't act like that if you're not interested or don't intend to follow through. And if you do, at least let them know early so they don't waste their time waiting.

 

I'm done.

Within minutes of sending that, this is what she texted back to me.

 

Her : I am very sorry to have hurt you and I regret being so absent-minded the past couple weeks. I have had a couple things happen in my life that were extremely unexpected and I have been going through a really rough time. On top of that I have two jobs that I am still in training at, I'm working third shift which means I do not have my phone for most of the night so I don't get your texts till it's too late to text back. I did enjoy my time with you but I am in no shape to try and be with someone. I really am very sorry but I understand your anger and frustration, so I don't expect any sympathy or acceptance of this but I did owe you an explanation, and I'm just sorry that I have been too wrapped up in my own issues to do it in person or even sooner.

That exchange was about a month ago. We haven't talked since, and we've done our best to avoid sitting near each other or looking at each other and stuff.

 

The thing is, during our first date, she mentioned that a friend of hers in our class has had a thing for me for a while and even knew my name (I had no idea how) and acted jealous of her when she told her she was going out with me. I've kinda wanted to know who it is; besides, I feel like leading me to her is the least she can do after leading me on like that, so last Thursday, I facebooked her this message.

 

Me : Who was that other girl you were talking about? The one who you said sent you a jealous text that night we went out?

She hasn't gotten back to me yet, and I have to see her in class tomorrow morning. What should I do?

[Unbalanced]

haha NO girl is going to want to here that. I kind of wanted to tell this girl that recently friendzoned me if I could make an attempt at her sister but I had to stop myself cuz 99% its a lost cause. Go for her friend by all means haha, just don't expect to go through this girl to get to her friend, it most likely wont work. and if it does for some reason, u got some good kharma or something haha

[U1987]

haha NO girl is going to want to here that. I kind of wanted to tell this girl that recently friendzoned me if I could make an attempt at her sister but I had to stop myself cuz 99% its a lost cause. Go for her friend by all means haha, just don't expect to go through this girl to get to her friend, it most likely wont work. and if it does for some reason, u got some good kharma or something haha

 

Yeah, but the thing is I DON'T KNOW who this mystery girl is; There are a lot of people in our class and I need the teasy-flaky one to point her out.

[Unbalanced]

Yeah, but the thing is I DON'T KNOW who this mystery girl is; There are a lot of people in our class and I need the teasy-flaky one to point her out.

 

lol umm yeah thats tricky. Well you know she's friends w/ whoever so I guess the only thing you can do is observe who she converses with, and hope u pick the right one

[Eddie Edirol]

I doubt she will tell you. Just because you called her out on her behavior, and she wont want you to be happy with someone even though she rejected you. I seriously doubt she will tell you. But without pestering her, see if you can get her friends name, then you can find her on FB.

 

By the way, im sure she lied to you about any disasters in her life, that is a common new excuse that people are using to get out of dates, and you cant call her out on it. Before you know it, you will see her hugging up on some guy in school.

[welikeincrowds]

Lesson learned, U1987. Don't get mad at the stupid **** girls do, just roll with it!

 

That is, don't get your ego involved. If you sense it's not working out, instead just say "I don't think this is working out." and let her be your ally instead.

 

Not that flirty girls always make the greatest allies, but you'd be in a much better situation then.

 

Anyway, if you're over being wounded, you can always try to repair that bridge and start a friendship with her. With a little bit of time you'd be able to ask her that, and if she's a worthwhile friend she might even play matchmaker for you.

[U1987]

Lesson learned, U1987. Don't get mad at the stupid **** girls do, just roll with it!

 

That is, don't get your ego involved. If you sense it's not working out, instead just say "I don't think this is working out." and let her be your ally instead.

 

Not that flirty girls always make the greatest allies, but you'd be in a much better situation then.

 

Anyway, if you're over being wounded, you can always try to repair that bridge and start a friendship with her. With a little bit of time you'd be able to ask her that, and if she's a worthwhile friend she might even play matchmaker for you.

 

Any idea how to go about doing that?

[veggirl]

LOL I cannot believe you sent her that last msg. I mean from your posts, I guess I can but dude...

 

Of course she didn't respond to that! No girl would! You can bet 100% that she has already told her friend that you asked, and talked some major s*it about you to her. I wouldn't count on a date w/ the friend even if you do find out who she is, lol.

[U1987]

LOL I cannot believe you sent her that last msg. I mean from your posts, I guess I can but dude...

 

Of course she didn't respond to that! No girl would! You can bet 100% that she has already told her friend that you asked, and talked some major s*it about you to her. I wouldn't count on a date w/ the friend even if you do find out who she is, lol.

 

Why is that so outrageous to you?

 

After leading me on like that, it's the very least she can do. That or pay back the money for those dates I took her on.

 

How do I make either of those happen?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Why is that so outrageous to you?

 

After leading me on like that, it's the very least she can do. That or pay back the money for those dates I took her on.

 

How do I make either of those happen?

 

Haha! You are joking, right? Oh ... you're not, are you.

 

Um ... she didn't "lead you on." You and she went on some dates. You had a good time. You made out. Then, there was nothing more. That is the usual outcome of dating. Sometimes, the dates lead to more, like sex or a relationship, or marriage.

 

You seriously think that she "owes" you a fix-up with her friend or to pay you back for dates? If you do, please, please stop dating or having anything to do with women altogether. A guy who thinks like that is a guy that EVERY woman needs to stay far, far away from. Yikes.

 

You really have an appalling attitude towards dating, and towards women. It seems that you have no sense of women as being just as human as you are.

 

Have you considered some counseling?

[neghitzbrah]

After leading me on like that, it's the very least she can do. That or pay back the money for those dates I took her on.

 

Bro, there is no way you can honestly expect her to 'pay you back' because she doesn't 'owe you' anything. Maybe she got involved with an ex, another dude, or something. Fact of the matter is that 'you two' just ain't happening. You took it too far. You guys had a great thing going on, but it's over.

 

Focus your mind on your studies or take up a hobby to get your mind off of it. If you keep thinking about 'this girl' even if she does exist, then it will get the most of you. I suggest you stop talking to this girl you dated for the time being, because otherwise it might come off creepy (if it already hasn't).

 

You really have an appalling attitude towards dating, and towards women. It seems that you have no sense of women as being just as human as you are.

 

Have you considered some counseling?

 

I think he's just a bit clueless. Hopefully he will learn from this mistake and the advice we give him.

[SoleMate]

After leading me on like that, it's the very least she can do. That or pay back the money for those dates I took her on.

Interesting...you have unilaterally decided that her behavior constituted a valid, binding contract for her to either:

 

1) succumb to your "charms" and become your girlfriend OR

2) pay you back in cash for all your "hospitality" OR

3) most unbelievably, somehow pimp you forward to a friend of hers!

 

Did you spell out this contract for her before you decided that it had become binding? If so, then your path is clear - just remind her that she agreed to option 1, 2 or 3 above, ask her which she has selected, and then remind her of the deadline you both established for performance. Or did, in fact, all this dealmaking and all these assumptions occur totally in your head? I guess you're not prelaw, because if you were, you would know that for a valid contract to be formed, both parties must understand all the terms and freely assent.

 

The major issue that is keeping you from finding a gf is your gargantuan sense of entitlement, coupled with rejection of social norms like "You can't buy a real girlfriend". It's a drag that you chose to spend money that you now regret. It would be much smarter next time only to invite the object of your attentions to free or modestly priced entertainments that do not dent your wallet so severely, that you become furious about it. (I have often noticed a strong correlation between lavish spending early in a relationship, and unilateral demands for concrete payback. Something for all women to keep in mind.) Did you splash out on elaborate meals etc. as a way to lure and hook her? Because I have to tell you, when looking for a real gf, friendship, warmth, attention, caring, politeness, quality companionship and above all normal, healthy behavior, NOT lavish spending, are your best bets.

 

Re the friend....you can go ahead and ask all you want. I wouldn't bother even advising, or for you to attempt, tact or finesse because I think the effort is hopeless. Just do me a favor and let mystery girl know what she is signing up for if she lets you talk to her, or, goddess forbid, accepts a date!

Edited April 12, 2011 by SoleMate
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[oaks]

What should I do?

 

Be her friend if you want/need more friends (then ask about the mystery admirer), or ignore her.

 

Great story, btw.

[zengirl]

Haha! You are joking, right? Oh ... you're not, are you.

 

Um ... she didn't "lead you on." You and she went on some dates. You had a good time. You made out. Then, there was nothing more. That is the usual outcome of dating. Sometimes, the dates lead to more, like sex or a relationship, or marriage.

 

You seriously think that she "owes" you a fix-up with her friend or to pay you back for dates? If you do, please, please stop dating or having anything to do with women altogether. A guy who thinks like that is a guy that EVERY woman needs to stay far, far away from. Yikes.

 

You really have an appalling attitude towards dating, and towards women. It seems that you have no sense of women as being just as human as you are.

 

Have you considered some counseling?

 

Seriously. Especially with the seeing women as human beings/people thing.

 

Also, it sounds like while it's a shame it dragged on awhile, it's possible the girl is actually busy (working 3rd shift, man, that's rough) and was honest with you in her last message about her situation. She probably should have said so sooner, but she's in college, so if she's young, I understand it. Learning how to say things like that an assert yourself in a kind way is something that takes some living.

 

If a guy texted me what you did (last text), I'd think, "Seriously? So glad I didn't have time for this guy!" and laugh my ass off about it with my friends. I certainly wouldn't text him back. And the girl who liked you, if she hears about it, probably won't anymore.

 

Which is not to say I'd never fix a friend up with a guy I dated a few times (I would, in some cases) or that I think those guys are 'off limits.' It's just really strange the attitude and actions you take towards this, and you don't even know who this mystery girl is! Silly, silly.

[U1987]

Haha! You are joking, right? Oh ... you're not, are you.

 

Um ... she didn't "lead you on." You and she went on some dates. You had a good time. You made out. Then, there was nothing more. That is the usual outcome of dating. Sometimes, the dates lead to more, like sex or a relationship, or marriage.

 

You seriously think that she "owes" you a fix-up with her friend or to pay you back for dates? If you do, please, please stop dating or having anything to do with women altogether. A guy who thinks like that is a guy that EVERY woman needs to stay far, far away from. Yikes.

 

You really have an appalling attitude towards dating, and towards women. It seems that you have no sense of women as being just as human as you are.

 

Have you considered some counseling?

 

 

Are you ****ing serious?

 

Seriously, is this a joke?

 

Did you even bother to read anything I typed?

 

She chatted me up a whole bunch of times. She told me to text her whenever. She offered to skip class to go out. We went out 4 times and then she ghosted for over a month.

 

It's the fact that she wasted my time by waiting so long to tell me it wasn't going to happen that pisses me off.

 

Wouldn't you be upset if a guy did that to you? Would that mean YOU have "an appalling attitude towards dating and men?"

 

That isn't a rhetorical question, please answer cuz the ball is in your court.

[U1987]

Seriously. Especially with the seeing women as human beings/people thing.

 

What did I type that is indicative of me not "seeing women as human beings/people"?

 

Please use the quote-function as follows.

 

What did I type that is indicative of me not "seeing women as human beings/people"?

 

Please use the quote-function as follows.

[veggirl]

I've changed my tune.

 

I am still 100% certain this chick ran to her friend and they had a laugh at your expense, and 100% certain you will never get a date w/ the friend, but...

 

she did puss out in waiting a month or whatever to finally "dump" you, she was rather cowardly about it!! I think it's great you basically said "didn't give a hoot anyway!" by asking about her friend! Knock her off her high horse.

 

But you don't have a chance w/ the friend.

[welikeincrowds]

Are you ****ing serious?

 

Seriously, is this a joke?

 

Did you even bother to read anything I typed?

 

She chatted me up a whole bunch of times. She told me to text her whenever. She offered to skip class to go out. We went out 4 times and then she ghosted for over a month.

 

It's the fact that she wasted my time by waiting so long to tell me it wasn't going to happen that pisses me off.

 

Wouldn't you be upset if a guy did that to you? Would that mean YOU have "an appalling attitude towards dating and men?"

 

That isn't a rhetorical question, please answer cuz the ball is in your court.

 

I'm always hesitant to respond to you, because I can never tell if you're trolling or not.

 

You're assuming she did something purposefully malicious to you, when in fact she probably just went through some ****.

 

Meanwhile, she doesn't owe you anything. People have the right to change their minds; meanwhile, you don't have the right to a relationship, or anything else, just because you took her out on some dates, and spent your own money to do so. Those were supposed to be moments of fun, you wanted to purchase for you own pleasure, that you shared with her out of good will. (If you want to buy services, hire a prostitute.)

 

Building on that, she didn't make you do anything. You made your own decisions. You chose to respond to her texts and go out with her. She is not responsible for you and your behavior and treating her that way reveals your immaturity.

 

She may not have been a saint, but you've said more than enough about your own ****ty approach. It's quite possible she picked up on all of it and rightfully decided to stay away from you. You will continue to have this experience, or other unhealthy ones like it, until you start earnestly enjoying the company of women, rather than treating them as means to selfish end.

[U1987]

I've changed my tune.

 

I am still 100% certain this chick ran to her friend and they had a laugh at your expense, and 100% certain you will never get a date w/ the friend, but...

 

she did puss out in waiting a month or whatever to finally "dump" you, she was rather cowardly about it!! I think it's great you basically said "didn't give a hoot anyway!" by asking about her friend! Knock her off her high horse.

 

But you don't have a chance w/ the friend.

 

That's the way I thought of it to be honest. It would have been nice to meet her friend, but if she didn't hook us up, then at least she would know, without question or doubt, that I'm not interested in her, and that I'm not afraid to let her know it.

 

So it was a win-win situation in my opinion.

[veggirl]

That's the way I thought of it to be honest. It would have been nice to meet her friend, but if she didn't hook us up, then at least she would know, without question or doubt, that I'm not interested in her, and that I'm not afraid to let her know it.

 

So it was a win-win situation in my opinion.

 

I like it! I take back my previous judgement!