Heyitsme123 Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Please help! Sometimes it's hard to know who's right and who's wrong since men and women have such different perspectives usually. Since we've dated, my bf has not been athletic or worked out or really cared about what he's eaten. When we met he was overweight but I liked him and he kept saying how he was trying to lose weight so I figured I'd give it a chance. He is/was a heavyyy pot user. For the first couple mos he didn't lose anything. Then he quit smoking weed (he loves eating to begin with, and being high worsens the problem about 100x) and lost about 50 lbs and looked alright. He had also exercised fairly regularly in that time period. So then he begun smoking again. And he stopped exercising. And it has been this way for the years following. He is obsessed with being high (he used to smoke all day everyday when I met him), but now smokes every day except the times when he's with me. He is now 20 lbs heavier than the 50 he lost and has remained at this weight. Despite the fact that he's a pothead, he does amazing and work and has a great job. He's progressing incredibly fast for someone his age. But my post is about weight (just wanted to get the worthless stoner image out of your heads). Anyway, I exercise daily. Always have. I love being healthy and being in great shape. And I look great. Men love me and women always compliment my body. I am in no way naturally thin and work hard for it. I am not obsessed in an eating disorder kind of way, I just really take pride in having a great healthy looking body. He does not exercise AT ALL. Ever. And he doesn't eat well. He is slightly overweight, nothing drastic. But there is not a single ounce of muscle on that body, purely fat. His shape is weird too and he is young but has a santa clause fat belly. I love him and he has a great face but physically (naked) he is repulsive. He also has a small penis which is not his fault but jeez if you're going to already be lacking you could at least be in good shape! (not that I say that to him). I have tried to be polite (hinting) about him exercising. But his weed habit has always been a cause for fights and I don't mind occasional smoking but an addictive pattern that is partially to blame for a gross body is nasty to me. So, I have sometimes gotten angry and freaked out on him for not exercising and eating poorly. He says I am shallow and if I want an "in shape" guy I should go find one because he hates exercising and will not do it just to spite me. Am I wrong to think I deserve someone at least fit? I do not want or need a Jersey shore looking bulky man. But I do not think soft men look good whatsoever and I like a little athletic muslce. I am not physically turned on by him at all. In fact, I'm turned off. I think it's totally unfair because I work so hard for my body. And I don't even expect the same, just a little effort. Plus, wouldn't someone WANT to look good for their partner? When I mention that I am in shape, he says he wouldn't care if I didn't exercise or if I put on weight. But, according to him, he knows I'm too shallow to not exercise. I have given up and not mentioned it. It doesn't seem that it will ever happen. And I suppose it will only get worse with age. I kind of just want to know if people find it unfair and a slap in the face that he doesn't find me worthy of having an attractive bf. Or care about my opinion. Or want to make me proud. Or give me hot sex with a hot body. Am I shallow, or is he an ass? Plus, I try to encourage him from the health aspect. And exercise is great for mood. Plus, I tell him I once hated it too before I begun regularly exercising, but once your body becomes accustomed its great.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 If he doesn't exercise at all chances are this is a habit he got into when he was younger. People who aren't active early in life often aren't active later in life. His lack of exercise is more than physically unappealing, it's also unhealthy. Does he like any sports? When I started playing basketball regularly it not only was a source of physical exercise, but it made me want to work on other things (like strength, speed and endurance) to help my overall game. Basketball was my gateway exercise. Granted this only works with aerobic sports, not so much with bowling or baseball but it's worth a shot.
Author Heyitsme123 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 he played bball and golf when he was younger. amazing at golf but dont know how much exercise that really is. maybe ill try to help him find adult leagues. that would be more fun instead of the gym. still, i think it has a lot to do with the fact that hed rather sit at home and smoke weed than do anything physical whatsoever. thanks for the tip!
thatdog Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Yeah this is a tough but common situation imo. Lot's of people develop a 'relationship gut' but this is obviously more than that. I see where you bf is coming from though cos tbh until recently I think I was almost exactly like him (not a pot smoker but v overweight). I think he really does honestly not care that much about your shape because once a guy is in a serious LTR they know they love their partner so being fat or thin won't have that much affect on their feelings. This just makes it a lot harder and more hurtful to process the fact that you actually ARE turned off by his shape. Girls in particular seem to have a habit of harping on about how they don't care so much about looks and they want something more from a partner. Don't see his reticence to exercise as an insult, he doesn't believe you don't deserve a fit bf, he just doesn't think it should be very relevant. I know it took about a year of my gf's encouragement along with a couple external influences before i finally got it through my thick skull to do something about my weight/health. I think you just have to keep at him (but don't nag, just be occasionally supportive or make suggestions to do fun things that involve exercise). Maybe if you can find something energetic he likes or used to like before he became a stoner, try and organize to do it with some mutual friends and encourage him to come along. The big kick in the pants i got was a holiday with friends to a national park. This involved a bit of hiking and by the time we got to the top of the first hill I was drenched in sweat and feeling like I was going to keel over. When I saw all my friends having fun and enjoying the view and whatnot while i was leaning over a tree for 10 minutes catching my breath I felt terrible. Bad because I was obviously embarassing my gf and bad because i couldnt even do something so simple that all of my friends were having fun with and I knew I should be enjoying as well. That gave me inspiration to get of my arse and do things for myself and my friends rather than just for my gf. IDK if this would work for you bf but it certainly did the trick for me.
Mutant Debutante Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 He's already given you the only answer, but you don't want to hear it. If you want somebody with a better body, break up with this guy and go find one. He's not slapping you in the face with anything, but he has different priorities than you do and cares about different things. You think his body is gross, you think he's lazy and has a small penis, you hate that he likes to smoke pot...he thinks you're shallow...why the hell are you with this guy? You're totally incompatible.
eerie_reverie Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 It sounds like y'all have been together for a while. How have you been able to keep sleeping with him if he physically repulses you? BTW, I can relate. I dumped my last bf because his inactive lifestyle was turning me off. But we only dated for a couple of months. I could not imagine swallowing that repulsion for years. I don't know if it's shallow or not, but when you care about health and fitness, it's hard to understand the POV of someone who doesn't.
USCGAviator Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 OP made the point that he has a great job. Perhaps this is why there is so much tolerance towards his weight and pot smoking.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Youre never going to get him to change, because you he doesnt need to exercise to make you stay with him. Plus he doesnt WANT to change, he likes himself the way he is. You cant date people hoping they will change, people do not change most of the time unless there is a crisis. You are shallow, but you have a preference, and most people do. So yo0u cant stay with this guy, you dont think alike when it comes to this, it is hopeless. You have to accept that he has nop desire to work out or diet, so leave him alone and find someone more on your physical level.
johan Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 You are shallow Explain how you came to this conclusion.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Why stay with a heavy pot user??? You can do better
Feelin Frisky Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 You shouldn't internalize his failings by asking what is wrong with you that he acts how he does. That's not healthy or fair to you. Consider that pot smoking definitely causes a developmental disconnect where people who smoke that much live a life of always putting off what they have to do or should be doing today. I know because I was a smoker for a long time and had weight issues too. Pot and procrastination go hand in glove and this is why people who smoke often are immature at advancing age--they don't go out and deal with the real nitty gritty of competition and instead live a grandiose dream world. It's just a matter of degrees how much each pot head reveals this. This guy is not for you. There is nothing you can say or do to get him to face reality on the level you want. That's not to say he is hopeless in and of himself. He may come around some day and put the bong down and try to catch up for all the time he wasted but then again he may not. Start making an exit plan and stick to it--changing his life-style and getting in shape is too big a change for him to just make promises. He has to live that for a year or two to even believe he can sustain it himself--and it doesn't sound like he even senses there is something wrong. Good luck.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 OP made the point that he has a great job. Perhaps this is why there is so much tolerance towards his weight and pot smoking. Ahahaha. I agree. I understand you being upset about the pot smoking and also the fact that the way he talks to you means he's obviously taking you for granted, BUT . . . I think you being that disgusted by his weight is shallow. People gain and lose weight all the time and someday the only men you will be able to date are older men with pot bellies. And youll have one too!
Andy_K Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 he played bball and golf when he was younger. amazing at golf but dont know how much exercise that really is. maybe ill try to help him find adult leagues. that would be more fun instead of the gym. still, i think it has a lot to do with the fact that hed rather sit at home and smoke weed than do anything physical whatsoever. thanks for the tip! He is not going to lose weight playing golf, that's for sure. I'm afraid the two of you do not have compatible attitudes regarding health, fitness, and keeping in shape for each other. You might just have to find yourself a fitter guy. With a bigger manhood. (and possibly a smaller job)
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Why stay with a heavy pot user??? You can do better Wtf? What does the fact that he smokes pot have to do with anything? And why do I have the feeling that all the comments like this are made by people who have no experience with pot whatsoever? I smoked pot daily for years and never gained a pound. Yes, it does make you hungry, but you just have to control it, and when you can't control it, just eat something healthy. Sounds like he (or the OP) is just using it as an excuse for his real problems.
Author Heyitsme123 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 hey thanks for all the opinions. i appreciate them. so it sounds like at least one conclusion that everyone seems to agree on is that it is probably not going to change and i shouldnt take it personally. to address a few points- - In regard to everyone getting a belly when theyre older, i see plenty of men even into their 70s at my gym who look better than my bf! like i said, i dont need someone with a perfect body. but any muscle and not pure fat would be attractive. and the most unattractive part is that he is careless and doesn't care about his health (physical and otherwise). exercise is GREAT for health, endorphins, etc etc. it is unattractive and annoying that i come home from an excellent workout feeling great strong etc and see him with bloodshot half open eyes pigging out. every guy friend i know my age works out regularly a few times a week. and i dont even want the roided meathead type- the shallowness of caring that much about looks and endangering your health is also gross to me. -i also enjoy smoking weed and used to prob about twice a week on average. his problem with it has caused me to cut back A LOT bc i dont like encouraging it. i can live without it though, no problem - in regard to his job- the point was not about money. i was trying to point out that he is not lazy completely in regard to life, just physical fitness. hes very motivated in his job, which is a turn on. perhaps i can draw an analogy. say he was extremely into his bod, but didnt care about having any sort of career or waking up in the morning to work. wouldnt that be a turn off to most people? i have a full-time job and i work hard also. This is all kind of part of a bigger picture to me, I guess. It doesn't seem he really ever wants to compromise in the relationship and show interest in anything i care about. but i am expected to be like him. i have to listen to conversations about his favorite football team and finance- stocks, ira accounts, etc. (his career), which i couldnt give 2 ****s about lol. but i can pretend to be nice. he is also a PSYCHO about being a neat freak. maybe not even just a neat freak, but weird ocd habits. like the showerhead being completely straight. or he will get up after dinner before im even finished and take his plate to the sink. if i make dinner and there's any spots on the stove (before we have even eaten!) he says things like "well if youre going to cook you could at least clean up the stove". i am expected to do all these things. i was putting up xmas decorations and he got mad because i moved a lamp which he thought was necessary in the spot it had been. so i am extra careful and it is annoying. im clean, no slob at all, but i want to live comfortably. if he cares about that stuff i think he should do it. also, he seems to have an addictive personality. he is addicted to pot- he has cancelled plans on me to smoke. he left me home alone sick one night bc he knew if he went to his friends house hed smoke. he never is without weed, he always makes sure hes in FULL stock. he gets mad at me for buying clothes calling me irresponsible but spends a ton on weed. he smokes about a pack and a half of cigs a day. he never really drinks, but when he does it is bingeing like an animal. he has a temper problem and snaps/yells at me
Author Heyitsme123 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 he also drives with his fist to the wheel and curses like 100x while going anyplace. its craziness haha. unrelated (kinda), i had a horrendous childhood and life. i was severely abused (not sexually AT ALL, fyi) and basically i was a completely miserable child, teenager, and young adult. i had no connection to other people and awful self esteem. i had no empathy for others and hated myself. i didnt have one friend i thought of sincerely. i hadnt even realized that the person i was was because of the way i grew up (sometimes when you're abused its easy to minimize it and not even realize it was severe and/or effected you). i was addicted to alcohol (i was incredibly awkward socially and always thinking about what the other person thought of me), relationships, sex, being physically attractive (bc i thought i was so socially unappealing) whatever made me feel better that moment. it wasnt until i researched the way i felt that i realized that my bringing up affected my self esteem and caused my depression. i improved a little. one day i was having a convo about life with a friend and said this "wow, once you're dead none of what you thought was important matters". and bam, it was like everything clicked at once. to be cliche i found god. not in a religious sense though. before that, death was something that was never going to happen to me and a relief from my miserable life that was waaaay too far away. with the realization that life is a crazy, unexplainable weird dream/mystery, i instantly fell in love with myself and everything/ all life around me. i don't care about superficial things, society has a way of influencing people waaay too much. ive been this way for a few years. i have new interests- nature, taking walks, volunteer work, meditation, physical fitness, etc. i do not anger easily. it is easy to look at even people who hurt me with love. anyway, he refuses to have a single philosophical conversation with me ever. im not saying i want to all the time! but he should show a little interest in what i care about also. especially since it is the only thing that saves me from reverting back to being miserable, selfish, shallow, and sad. i am proud of the person i have become. it annoys me when he acts angry and uptight all the time. he, on the other hand, thinks i dont care about things enough. he wants me to start planning my retirement now. im 22!!! frankly, who even knows if ill live til then. i try to talk to him about the things i find beautiful, interesting, etc. he says im crazy etc. and that he doesnt have time to think about that "weird ****ing oneness ****". on the contrary, he doesnt have time to think about living life as if it were to be mapped and planned out constantly, or like it is some equation to solve. i think if he thought about life for a SECOND and the craziness of it all, he could be happier and more relaxed like me. he thinks im too relaxed. like i said, i wake up and go to work everyday, take care of my responsibilities, keep my space neat. i wish we could compromise. i think everyone has the ability
thatdog Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 You two sound like completely different people. I wonder how you are still together at all. I don't believe you neccessarily need to share all the same interests/activities to be a good match for you partner but you at least need a similar outlook and some empathy for one another. Your empathy for him seems minimal and his for your sounds non-existent (though it's only whaty I can glean from your posts i might be wrong here). He certainly doesn't seem to be in the right place for a serious relationship with you or anyone else. You at least seem to have your own act together.
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 I don't really understand what your looking for? If you find the guy repulsive physically... why are you with him? If you don't like his small dick... why stay? I don't get you. Look... either accept someone as they are or don't and leave. You can't love half a man. End of discussion!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 (edited) Wtf? What does the fact that he smokes pot have to do with anything? And why do I have the feeling that all the comments like this are made by people who have no experience with pot whatsoever? I smoked pot daily for years Indeed a true case in point !!! And then the rest: -i also enjoy smoking weed life is a crazy, unexplainable weird dream/mystery, i instantly fell in love with myself and everything ... and did you find yourself incredibly hungry after the dream? Edited April 13, 2011 by SincereOnlineGuy
Recommended Posts