Lilmisus Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I've been trying to be friends with my ex. To try and move on, and to try to keep things good between us. I tried telling everyone positive things about him and saying that I understood why we broke up and that it was for the best. If you look at this thread I created last night well mad you'll see that not everyone is like that here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t273024/ And if you look at this one, it will give you the basic rundown of how I felt a couple of weeks ago about a certain someone at my job, who we'll call Sue http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t270130/ I'll go on pretending that you read both of those. Sue is Tim's cousin by the way. So tonight, I was minding my own business having a great night at work, and was honestly in a great mood. I had my letter to give to my ex (yes, I gave it to him, and no I don't regret it), and that was my biggest concern, but I wasn't even worried about it. Cue manager. She came up to me, and apparently thought it would be "funny" to ask if Sue was dating my ex. She apparently wasn't being serious about it, but it hit a nerve with me seeing as he told me up and down multiple times that he wasn't interested in her or in dating. I at first didn't try to think anything of it, though I was shocked, and figured that she probably saw him flirting with her, which he does with everyone, and I told myself that was it. The suspense was killing me though, and I wanted to know what was up and to be able to put it behind me. I was going to ask my ex about it, but I decided to ask Sue. I told her that I knew nothing was going on, and that I was mad that my manager even asked me about it since I knew it wasn't true. She said that she was tired of people asking about them, and that no they weren't dating. That all she did was say he was cute and all this stuff. She said nothing was really going on between them, and I was like "woah, what do you mean nothing is really going on, what does that mean? Is something going on, or isn't there?" She said that he was just out of a relationship and so she didn't want to date someone like that of course, and that they weren't really dating. She said other things, but I was just in such a state of shock and anger that I wasn't really registering what she was saying, I just got the gist of it. I felt that he lied to me to protect my feelings. That he knew how I felt about dating coworkers and that I told him that I wouldn't do that, and that I hoped that he wouldn't either, and he said he understood. He also said that her specifically that he wasn't interested, she was too young for him. So to hear that they weren't really dating, hurt. I told him I wouldn't lie to him, and that I hoped he wouldn't do the same to me, and it felt that he did. To think that the person you spent a year with and still love lied to you..even if it was something simple like that, and after them saying up and down that they never would...really hurts. Especially if he would start seeing someone three weeks after breaking up with me and after saying that he wasn't in a place to be in a relationship at all. So, needless to say, I was shaking with anger, and had to go to the bathroom to get a little cry out and to clean myself up. I dragged my good girl friend along with me (who's friends with my ex and read the letter and encouraged me to give it) and told her what's up. Multiple people asked, and I tried not to make it to where everyone knew about it, but apparently having it to where anyone can listen in on a conversation isn't a good way to have a conversation. By the end of the night, most everyone knew about it, and I didn't give a s***. I was still furious, no matter how many people knew about it. He ended up finding out what happened, and he told our good mutual friend that I probably hated him, and he basically wouldn't look at me all night since I kept giving him glares and was red with anger. But I talked to him at the end. I told him exactly what I heard and how I felt, and I gave him the letter. I told him when I gave it to him that it's what I wanted to say to him, and that it wasn't me trying to get back with him at all, and that I didn't want him to read too much into it. I also told him that I put it ALL out there in the letter and didn't try to hide anything, or lie at all, and how he read it was how he read it. He said he understood. But he said that it felt that I was keeping tabs on him and that I was spreading rumors about him and saying s*** to everyone, and that it was messed up and that we couldn't be friends because of it. I told him that yea, I did tonight, but other than tonight I didn't say ANYTHING bad about him. Apparently, it seems like I'm the liar here and that people are saying differently. That's not so, but apparently Tim and possibly a few others are making it seem that way. Plus, tonight didn't help at all, but I'll own up to how I was tonight. He said that he can date whoever he wants to date, which I agree with, and that he didn't see an issue dating someone there if he chose to (which he said he's not and that he's not even talking to her, but she does seem like a cool girl who he may want to date later on). Apparently, the fact that we'd all work together shouldn't affect me at all (where's the logic?). I told him that it hurt to feel that he lied to me and that I hate liars and that I just wanted him to be upfront with me about everything. He said that he was, and that I just couldn't accept it. I told him that if he cared about my feelings and me at all, then he wouldn't do that to me, since it would hurt way too much to see them every other day and have to work with both of them knowing that they are dating. That he could date whoever he wanted to outside of work, just like I could, and that I didn't want it brought back there. I asked him how he would feel if one of his friends who consoled him during our breakup hit on me and tried to date me. He said that it's been done to him before, and that it hurts. I told him to not do that to me..neither of them do that to me, please. I'm just mad. Furious that although we're over, that he feels this way, and that she'd do me like that. That this girl who I've talked to about our relationship and our breakup, who knows how much pain I'm in, is willing to move in on my ex, when she knows I still want to be with him. And that he is so okay with the thought of dating so soon after breaking my heart (when he said that he only felt for the past few days that we should breakup). This is really me just venting, and I know that no one will really read this to the very end (if you do, thanks, sorry for the snore fest!). But I just really really want to and need to move on with my life. I feel better now that he has the letter (and probably read it by now) and I'm hoping that this is the first step to really and truly moving on. If you could, what advice would you give me in our current situation? NC is not possible. Quitting isn't possible. Looking past it is hard to do. So what can I do? How should I behave?
Am4Real Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 How old are you; honestly this reads like a teenage breakup? Your posts are long and repetitive under several different titles in this forum. You should try to group them under one thread and keep them shorter if possible so we can follow along in one place. Frankly this post is better suited for the Coping Forum.
betterdeal Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 ((Lilmisus)) I think that your ex is not going to go away and that's hurting you a lot. Given he's not going to leave the job, you might want to think of moving on yourself. It will do you the world of good to not be in such close proximity. Ask your boss for a week off; take a break from all this stress and think about changing jobs or career, even.
Author Lilmisus Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 I am 20, he's 22. This is my first real breakup that I've had to go through, especially with keeping contact. And yes, my posts are highly repetitive. This one was only for venting, I honestly wasn't expecting a soul to read it, and large part of me was hoping no one would haha If I really wanted anyone to..then it would have been only a few lines or paragraphs, ya know? But thanks for taking the time to. It helped to post it though, since soon after I did, the anger went away, and was replaced by something along the lines of just not caring anymore. Now that I'm no longer mad, I can see where I went wrong, and analyze my feelings even more. And I think that you're right..I need to get out of there (but I can't request off for a week or so). I was thinking about it last night, and I realize that being there is hurting me more and more each day. The fact though that I've been there for over three years, and for longer than any of those who I mentioned in my post (Tim, Sue, my ex) makes me feel that I'm not the one who should leave though. But, if it's hurting me this much, then I probably should. I'm going to think about it for the next couple of days, talk to my managers about it, and see if there would be any positive to staying, and if not, then I'll be quitting soon, starting NC with my ex, and start moving forward like I should have been these past three weeks.
betterdeal Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 The fact though that I've been there for over three years, and for longer than any of those who I mentioned in my post (Tim, Sue, my ex) makes me feel that I'm not the one who should leave though. But, if it's hurting me this much, then I probably should. I'm going to think about it for the next couple of days, talk to my managers about it, and see if there would be any positive to staying, and if not, then I'll be quitting soon, starting NC with my ex, and start moving forward like I should have been these past three weeks. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's took me nearly a year to go full NC with my ex and I'm 37. Changing my phone number was the most liberating thing I've done in a long time. As for that feeling that it's wrong that you'd be leaving and they'd be staying, well, I get that, and I used to be very pig-headed about that sort of thing. But then I decided I had a choice: to be right or to be happy; and I choose happy. At your age you have loads of opportunities. What about travelling? Voluntary work overseas? Career change? Working double shifts at a restaurant to get the cash to go on a road trip? Taking up a hobby you've always been meaning to, like singing or playing an instrument? This could be a moment for you to grow, or you can do what the others are doing and stay in the same job, in the same town, with the same people. It's up to you, and now you don't even have a lover to consider when you decide to do what you want to do! Every cloud has its silver lining
Author Lilmisus Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 Don't be too hard on yourself. It's took me nearly a year to go full NC with my ex and I'm 37. Changing my phone number was the most liberating thing I've done in a long time. As for that feeling that it's wrong that you'd be leaving and they'd be staying, well, I get that, and I used to be very pig-headed about that sort of thing. But then I decided I had a choice: to be right or to be happy; and I choose happy. At your age you have loads of opportunities. What about travelling? Voluntary work overseas? Career change? Working double shifts at a restaurant to get the cash to go on a road trip? Taking up a hobby you've always been meaning to, like singing or playing an instrument? This could be a moment for you to grow, or you can do what the others are doing and stay in the same job, in the same town, with the same people. It's up to you, and now you don't even have a lover to consider when you decide to do what you want to do! Every cloud has its silver lining Very true, I honestly wish I could just pack up and leave and do a bit of traveling or start someplace else. The thought sounds so great to me, especially right now. But I'm in college, and at least until the end of the semester, that isn't possible at all..though I wish it was. I am going to try to see this as not only a learning experience though but as an opportunity to put my foot out in the world and see what all and who all is out there. Plus, to find a new job would be pretty nice
Flgirl44 Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 He said that he can date whoever he wants to date, which I agree with, and that he didn't see an issue dating someone there if he chose to (which he said he's not and that he's not even talking to her, but she does seem like a cool girl who he may want to date later on). Apparently, the fact that we'd all work together shouldn't affect me at all (where's the logic?). I told him that it hurt to feel that he lied to me and that I hate liars and that I just wanted him to be upfront with me about everything. He said that he was, and that I just couldn't accept it. I told him that if he cared about my feelings and me at all, then he wouldn't do that to me, since it would hurt way too much to see them every other day and have to work with both of them knowing that they are dating. That he could date whoever he wanted to outside of work, just like I could, and that I didn't want it brought back there. I asked him how he would feel if one of his friends who consoled him during our breakup hit on me and tried to date me. He said that it's been done to him before, and that it hurts. I told him to not do that to me..neither of them do that to me, please. If he cared about your feelings he wouldn't be breaking up with you. You need to go into self preservation mode. Stop giving him so much power over your emotions. Do no rely on him to do the right thing by you, he is not yours anymore nor is he reliable nor is he responsible for honoring your wishes. It would be nice if he did, but it's not realistic. You are setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect too much from him. He is out for himself now, and you should follow suit.
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