U1987 Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 So I've been on 2 dates with this girl in the past week. She's really pretty, and very bubbly and giddy and has a upbeat, if only slightly ditsy, attitude. Our dates went somewhat-okay, but there were some awkward and uncomfortable moments. On our first date, she invited her friend and a bf to join us without my knowledge or consent. Fortunately, that other couple disappeared into the bar on their own to leave us to get to know each other. The thing is, as she got more and more tipsy, she eventually revealed that when she was only a teenager, her father died of cancer and her younger brother committed suicide soon after; he was only a teenager too. Hearing that hit me like a brick wall; I was totally not expecting anything like that to come out. I offered my sympathy, but there was a bit of an awkward silence afterwards so I changed the subject to something more upbeat; something about me. Later in the date, I really wasn't feeling the chemistry anymore; the bar had been commandeered by tons of college kids and a bad DJ, so I told her I had a test the next morning (I didn't really have a test) and that I had to go, but that we should meet another time. She said okay, but we were face to face, eye to eye for a moment and silent. I sensed an opportunity to kiss her, so I went for it and she gave in, so I guess the chemistry wasn't really gone after all. We made another date for Saturday night. We meet up downtown and we walk to the lounge, but during the walk, she had picked up a phone call and talked to her friend. The lounge I wanted to go to was closed for a Bar Mitzvah so we go to this Mediterranean-themed place. She texted her friends twice that night; twice during our date, she pulled out her iPhone and typed to friends infront of me. It was annoying; I don't use my phone or text on a date, I don't understand why more and more young girls feel like that's okay. She had also brought up an ex-fiance twice, and she had also mentioned her brother and father's deaths out of the blue again, which were unexpected and made me a bit uncomfortable. So later, I'm walking her to her car, and I let her wear my jacket because it's cold. I get back to her car and we kiss again. I tell her I think she's cute and pretty. She asks what else I like about her. I tell her she's sweet and bubbly. She laughed and said "that's just a mask I wear. It's how I cope with the pain sometimes. You wouldn't believe how depressed I can get sometimes." I gotta tell you, I was pretty stunned upon hearing that. I had no idea what to say or how to react to that. I kinda just held my smile from before she said that and darted my eyes, and she just leaned in again and gave me one more peck of a kiss and said goodnight, and we split ways from there. I have no idea what to do. This girl is cute and sweet and I want her, but I'm annoyed with her cell use when we go out and mentioning exes. At the same time though, I'm afraid of coming on as confrontational if I bring it up with her, given all she's gone through losing her brother and father. Those things she said also put me on edge. Any ideas? Questions? Comments? Complaints even?
Duckduckgoose Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 WARNING WARNING! You are playing with fire. She up and TOLD you she puts on a facade to hide the pain. HELL she even mentioned deaths, depression, and exes in the first two dates. RUN LIKE YOUR ASS IS ON FIRE! She's trying to get you hooked with the cute, the bubbly, and the kisses but this is not a fish you want to drag up out the ocean. She needs to take care of her **** and not dump it by the wheelbarrowful on a guy she's been on two dates with. Hell it makes me wonder what she's gonna offload on the third date. Its pointless to waste your time on someone who is depressed if they don't want to help themself. Is she getting help for herself? I wasted about 5 years of my life... two of them married on someone who had depression or something going on. In the end he left me. He wasn't the one with the problem, it was all me btw. I kind of thought at the beginning of our relationship that I could help him snap out of things and he did act better and happy for a while but when things got settled down his problems only came back with a vengeance. My advice: RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 In general, when someone brings up these kinds of issues this early on, it's a bad sign. I would tread very carefully. Dating someone with any kind of psychological issue can be very difficult so proceed with caution.
veggirl Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I have to agree with duckduckgoose. That is too much too soon and the fact that she admits to a facade is really concerning. She has major issues, obviously, and unless she is actively trying to help herself you need to peace out for your own sake. If you keep seeing her, you will feel more and more sorry for her, you will feel protective of her and you will feel like you have/want to save her. BAD NEWS. DON'T get involved with this mess, it is going to end up causing YOU to be hurt when you end up caring and want to save her and can't.
Duckduckgoose Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 To extrapolate on Veggirl's response, your date played the crazy card WAAAY too soon. You wait till at least 6 months to play the crazy card...for real.
Author U1987 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 If you keep seeing her, you will feel more and more sorry for her, you will feel protective of her and you will feel like you have/want to save her. BAD NEWS. DON'T get involved with this mess, it is going to end up causing YOU to be hurt when you end up caring and want to save her and can't. Would it mean anything if I told you that I'm pretty determined not to get emotionally attached to anyone right now and that I'm just looking to build a casual relationship? It's just that this girl is the only prospect I've had in a while and I don't want to blow this opportunity if there's a chance at it.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Would it mean anything if I told you that I'm pretty determined not to get emotionally attached to anyone right now and that I'm just looking to build a casual relationship? It's just that this girl is the only prospect I've had in a while and I don't want to blow this opportunity if there's a chance at it. You ever heard the expression "the road to hell is paved with good intentions"? You may very have no desire to become attached, but sometimes things happen. It's better to avoid that possibility by not continuing to see her. What I bolded sounds like a quarterback who just got his team inside the red zone and who really wants to score a touchdown. He gets so anxious that he forces a pass into double coverage and ends up throwing a pick 6. Throwing the ball away is a perfectly acceptable option here.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Would it mean anything if I told you that I'm pretty determined not to get emotionally attached to anyone right now and that I'm just looking to build a casual relationship? It's just that this girl is the only prospect I've had in a while and I don't want to blow this opportunity if there's a chance at it. Dude you really dont see what shes doing? She is deliberately trying to kill your attraction to her by telling you these things. She texts on the date, talks about her ex, tells you shes depressed, tells you about her family that died. She is trying to make you run away, she might be trying to get rid of you without telling you shes not into you, so she doesnt have to feel guilty. Or on the other hand she could be doing all of this to see if you will stick around, but it will only be downhill from here if she is a basket case.
Author U1987 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 What I bolded sounds like a quarterback who just got his team inside the red zone and who really wants to score a touchdown. He gets so anxious that he forces a pass into double coverage and ends up throwing a pick 6. Throwing the ball away is a perfectly acceptable option here. I never really got into baseball to be honest.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I never really got into baseball to be honest. Haha. Well the point is that there's really no reason you have to make this work. There will be plenty of other chances with other girls. Let this one go.
sigurpol Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I know how hard it can be sometimes to let good intentions and physical attractiveness cloud your vision... but this sounds like it might be very difficult down the road. "You wouldn't believe how depressed I get sometimes"? Way to shoot oneself in the foot. Why bring that up? It's irrelevant right now. This is something else I notice people are starting to do and it freaks me out/annoys me. It's one thing to be honest, and forthcoming.. but something else to disregard all appropriateness and say something like that. OH IT'S JUST A MASK I WEAR, HEHE... Then when you call someone out on it, it's the whole "I'm being honest". Anywayyyy, ranting aside.. it just rings with the idea of you playing therapist for her. I know I'm making judgments here, but I'd rather meet someone else cute and bubbly without the grab-bag of emotions.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I also want to add to what I've said here: I completely understand why this girl would be depressed. It's natural to have problems like this when you lose two members of your immediate family. But she also needs therapy, and the kind of help the OP can't provide.
betterdeal Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Would it mean anything if I told you that I'm pretty determined not to get emotionally attached to anyone right now and that I'm just looking to build a casual relationship? It's just that this girl is the only prospect I've had in a while and I don't want to blow this opportunity if there's a chance at it. That sounds good to me. Just remember to enforce your boundaries and be aware of what issues are yours to own and what are hers. You can have fun together, as long as you keep the boundaries nice and healthy. Take, for example, talking about the ex. All it takes it so to say "I feel uncomfortable talking about your ex. Can we talk about something else?" This tells her how you feel and what you'd like to happen, thus showing her one of your boundaries in a clear, precise and positive way. It can really help to know straightforward things about someone else you are relating to. Regards the traumatic past, take care not to get too involved with that. Her grieving and recovery from those losses is something she has to do herself. You can best help by not getting involved in that process yourself. That doesn't mean blocking it out or running away, although you may choose to do that if you feel that's the best course of action for you. But if you feel you can give her time and space to go through that process, and as you happen to be in a state where you don't want to get too emotionally involved, it sounds like you can do that. Again, only if you wish to. Maybe suggest she considers counselling to help her through that grieving process. Again, it is only a suggestion. Explaining that you understand it must be difficult dealing with such trauma, and that you don't feel able to help beyond showing compassion. At the same time, you want to have fun with her. This is where you boundaries come in again. Letting her know that what's on offer for her from you is someone to have fun with, sexy times, nights out, days in the park, that sort of thing, gives her the opportunity to choose whether she wants what you're offering or not. The more she knows what you want out of the relationship, the more likely a mutually enjoyable outcome. She's likely to be somewhat unstable as she has her issues to deal with, but as she's made you aware of this, you have an equally free choice to be part of the relationship or call it quits. Her letting you know so much stuff early on is a good thing. Keep communicating. I feel X because Y and I'd like Z. Good luck and take care
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