ever Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for sharing their stories here. It makes me feel stronger and better about all of this. It's helped me so much in the past couple of weeks. On to my story... I'm 20, he's nearly 22. (I know we're young, but this thought hasn't made this any easier). We're coursemates. We were together for a year when he broke up with me. He was the best boyfriend I could have ever asked for - loving, caring, understanding, he'd make me feel so happy. He said I made him happy too, he said he was lucky to have me and he said I was the perfect girl for him. The whole week before the day he broke up with me, he was acting cold and distant and I might've pushed too hard trying to find out what was wrong and if there was something I could do for him. I kept phoning, I kept texting, I kept trying to meet up with him when I suppose all I should've done was stayed away and let him figure things out. It most probably wouldn't have changed the situation though... I went to visit him and he started with "I've been thinking about us" which lead to "The relationship got too serious", "I need to concentrate on my studies", "I think your feelings for me are stronger than my feelings for you" and eventually "I really like you, I want to stay friends, I don't want this to end bad, I'm not sure I am doing the right thing". He was upset and he kept saying that I'm amazing and perfect and all these sort of things that just don't make sense to me at the moment, after he has left me. It would've been easier on both of us if we didn't have to see each other at lectures after a couple of days. We talked a little bit, we had lunch a couple of times during the few weeks. Some days he would be extremely nice and tell me he still likes me and give me long hugs and we'd have honest and open conversations about how we feel. The other days he'd half ignore me and say "He's not sure what he wants right now" and that "He's all over the place". It confused and still confuses me. The last time I saw him was the day before Easter holidays started (couple of days ago). We were having a picnic with our other coursemates. I wasn't cold towards him, but I tried to keep my cool. I didn't show that I'm upset, I laughed and I had a good time. He kept initiating contact, he kept asking me questions, he kept touching my leg or arm playfully and when we said bye he gave me a big hug and kissed me on the cheek. That was a couple of days ago and he hasn't contacted me since. I'm trying not to contact him either, but it's extremely hard. I'm not coping well with being 'just friends', but I am scared that I'll lose him for good if I don't show him how much I care and how much I want to be back with him. (He's the sort of person who won't usually initiate contact with anybody first, I think he's only sure that people want to be with him/be friends/meet up when they contact him first). I was his first proper girlfriend (he had several ones before that lasted a month or so), so that might've brought him to this decision, although it doesn't seem that he wants to get into new relationships, or at least that's what he has said. I'm not sure if I should try hard to be friends and keep an amazing person in my life, or should I just cut all contact and try move on as we're both only in our very early 20s... I know it's not the end of the world, I know I should concentrate on studying, on my friends that I didn't spend as much time with when I was with him, on my family, on myself... But it's been a month and it still hurts. It's hard to let go of something that was so good and could've been even better. I'm tired of thinking of him all the time, I'm tired of the moodswings. I understand him in a way, but I just don't know how to cope with this. He tells me to take it easy and see where life takes us because "you never know what might happen in the future". I'm not sure if I should stick to that or if I should stick to my hurt self, who wants to heal and move on, even if I want him back so bad. I've never cared about anybody as much as I care for him, I've never felt anything like this so far. I know this was long, thank you for reading. I need an opinion from the outside, I need some help and to be pointed in the right direction... Any advice would be muchly appreciated. Thank you.
aypforever Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 No contact is apparently not the way to go for you, as you have classes together. If you aren't comfortable being friends with him, let him know so. I just let my ex know that I couldn't be friends with her currently after she asked me if I'd be interested. This was after 4 years of being together. It's not an easy thing to go through. If it was, there wouldn't be sites like this. I still have strong feelings towards my ex, but I am the full package. You can't expect to be only friends with me. That's not the reason we were together.. He wants to be friends, because he's not over you and still wants your contact. You're better off letting him know, or just stop showing up to mutual places. This will help you through the process and might show him that you were something important in his life. He won't know until you leave.
0hpenelope Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Yup, it definitely sounds like he's weaning himself off you slowly but surely. He's the one pulling all the strings and he knows you're available to him. He has good intentions but his good intentions aren't helping you right now. You know that thing we throw around here almost as an automatic reaction? NC? Undertake that and it will definitely feel tougher for you because it means you're going to not hear from him, speak to him, see him on Facebook, read his e-mails... You will go radio silent on him. It will hurt. It will be hard. You will end up caving into the occasional urges to get in touch with him. But you need to detach yourself from him in order to get a clearer head. Whether or not you want to talk to him again is up to you. You will become stronger in undertaking NC. It's an active discipline of self-control. I know it will be tough to go NC considering that you're in classes together, but you can do something about the lunch thing. Gradually ease away from that. You're still reinforcing your thoughts of him by being in touch and yeah, it's hard! Someone who meant a lot to you, you're going to have to not talk to anymore? For a while? Forever, perhaps? That's hard stuff to consider. He's gone, though. He can be as confused as he wants, but the one thing very clear to him is that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Of course you're not coping well with being just friends because you're still in love with him. He wants this break up, he has to face the consequences of having you gone from his life! You're not ready to be friends with him yet, you're not. It's always possible to be friends with an ex, but only when the romantic feelings aren't there anymore and if that's what you choose to be. As for all of this: "I've been thinking about us" which lead to "The relationship got too serious", "I need to concentrate on my studies", "I think your feelings for me are stronger than my feelings for you" and eventually "I really like you, I want to stay friends, I don't want this to end bad, I'm not sure I am doing the right thing".Yes, he wants to be alone. So give him his space. He doesn't want things to end bad? He's making it worse with what he's doing and you're not letting him face the consequences of his decision to leave you at your expense. As for getting back together, the first step to a better chance of reconciliation is completely letting your ex go. Have boundaries for yourself. If you don't want him as just a friend, then don't be his friend. I hope you'll hear more helpful advice from other users. Good luck with everything and I'm sorry to hear your pain.
Author ever Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 Thank you aypforever and 0hpenelope. You're both right. It's too hard being friends with him at the moment. Giving myself and him some space should turn out good. He asked for a break up, he wanted me out of his life and that's what I'm going to give him. I'll never understand how some people change so quickly, though. He must've been thinking about all of this for quite a while. It's a shame. But even if it hurts, I'll try not to let him be in control, I'll keep my distance and work on myself. It's the best I can do. Thank you again to both of you.
0hpenelope Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Yep. Give your ex exactly what he wants. A break up means you will not be in his life. The healing process is and should be 100% all about you. You cannot carry the load of comforting your ex with your presence when you still have feelings for him while he gradually eases himself into a friendship feeling with you. Cross the "let's be friends" bridge at a later time because this time is too recent. Break ups are a bummer all around and I'm sorry for your pain again. I'm sure you understand everything I just said, but I can't help emphasizing it. Some of those who were broken up with don't realize that they risk sabotaging their own chances of a possible second chance by staying bff with the ex. And again, I'm not disregarding those who were able to reconcile with their ex by staying friends; but I'm sure they will say how hard it was, dealing with all of the uncertainty, the hurt, pretending to be okay when they see their ex move on and hear about it from the ex himself/herself. Personally, I'd rather just start getting a move on with healing sooner than try the friends route. Did that once, never again. We can't do anything about how their feelings changed towards us except "help" them by reinforcing exactly what they want. "You want to break up? Here you go! Aaaalllll the space in the world between us. Good luck with life, no hard feelings." The bad days of NC will come. That's the best time to reach out to friends and I hope you'll think of getting more involved in some campus organizations, w/o putting your grades at risk of course. Keeping busy while grieving, crying when you're having a bad day, being angry, being sad, being happy... all of those crazy roller coaster emotions... you will heal much sooner than you feel right now. We're here, too. Use us to vent! Thank you aypforever and 0hpenelope. You're both right. It's too hard being friends with him at the moment. Giving myself and him some space should turn out good. He asked for a break up, he wanted me out of his life and that's what I'm going to give him. I'll never understand how some people change so quickly, though. He must've been thinking about all of this for quite a while. It's a shame. But even if it hurts, I'll try not to let him be in control, I'll keep my distance and work on myself. It's the best I can do. Thank you again to both of you.
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