surrender Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I didn't want NC but I was losing my mind... I'll make this as short as possible so hang in there and read it. I need the feedback and the truth. We met a year ago through a mutual group of friends. We started going out "as friends"...never with other people, just the two of us. After no more than a month he was calling daily, sometimes two or three times and texting consistently. Heavy flirting, wanted me to meet his family, his child (divorced for over 10 years), spend every weekend together. We talked about everything...very open and honest with each other. After about three months we had the "what are we, what are we doing" conversation to which he said we could only be friends. I made it clear that I wanted more than that. He said he had put me in the friend zone and wanted things EXACTLY the way they were. He said it would "bother" him to see me with someone else but that if that's what ended up happening then it was meant to be. Mean while...all behavior stayed the same. Every weekend together...just the two of us...talked even more on the phone...texted constantly. I was thinking all the while that he would eventually realize what he had in me. Well...I realized by month 12 that the realization of what he had in me wasn't dawning on him. He honestly liked things exactly the way they were. Said I was his best friend in the world. We never had ANY kind of physical relationship beyond a hug...literally never. I protested this as well. After talking about it again I told him I just couldn't handle a friendship with him. That I wanted more and was unable to deal emotionally with the way he wanted things to stay. I have stuck with it. He has broken contact once saying that he "thought we could be friends" and I said we could not...that I basically felt that I was going through a breakup and needed to heal. To which he said he loved me and would be there for me if I ever needed him. I would be lying if I didn't hope that no contact would cause him to notice what he's lost but typically no contact is started by the dumpee not the dumper. I am the one that ended the relationship and told him to please not contact me again. Part of me desperately wants to heal and move ON. Part of me is sick to my stomach that he is seemingly just fine without me in his life. My question is this...is no contact effective in taking your dignity back after you've made yourself so vulnerable? I put it all on the line months ago in the hopes he would wake up and it just didn't happen. I truly can't handle just being his "friend"...it hurts too much. Its a daily reminder of all that he doesn't want with me. Thoughts?
radiodarcy Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 i know what you mean. i was in a situation very similar to yours. only we were friends w/ benefits. was that ever a difficult situation! i loved him and wanted a relationship but he didnt feel the same. eventually he told me he didnt want to do the benefits and just wanted to be friends. but after a few months i just couldnt do it - -especially when he started dating to find "the one". that just hurt waaay too much. so i told him i couldn't handle the situation and went NC. as in my case i really don't think you dumped this guy. he rejected a relationship with you then offered friendship as the consolation prize. you did the right thing in walking away. just stick to NC. it will offer you a world of relief and will give you the piece of mind that a maintaining a friendship would have otherwise destroyed.
shapp Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I didn't want NC but I was losing my mind... I'll make this as short as possible so hang in there and read it. I need the feedback and the truth. We met a year ago through a mutual group of friends. We started going out "as friends"...never with other people, just the two of us. After no more than a month he was calling daily, sometimes two or three times and texting consistently. Heavy flirting, wanted me to meet his family, his child (divorced for over 10 years), spend every weekend together. We talked about everything...very open and honest with each other. After about three months we had the "what are we, what are we doing" conversation to which he said we could only be friends. I made it clear that I wanted more than that. He said he had put me in the friend zone and wanted things EXACTLY the way they were. He said it would "bother" him to see me with someone else but that if that's what ended up happening then it was meant to be. Mean while...all behavior stayed the same. Every weekend together...just the two of us...talked even more on the phone...texted constantly. I was thinking all the while that he would eventually realize what he had in me. Well...I realized by month 12 that the realization of what he had in me wasn't dawning on him. He honestly liked things exactly the way they were. Said I was his best friend in the world. We never had ANY kind of physical relationship beyond a hug...literally never. I protested this as well. After talking about it again I told him I just couldn't handle a friendship with him. That I wanted more and was unable to deal emotionally with the way he wanted things to stay. I have stuck with it. He has broken contact once saying that he "thought we could be friends" and I said we could not...that I basically felt that I was going through a breakup and needed to heal. To which he said he loved me and would be there for me if I ever needed him. I would be lying if I didn't hope that no contact would cause him to notice what he's lost but typically no contact is started by the dumpee not the dumper. I am the one that ended the relationship and told him to please not contact me again. Part of me desperately wants to heal and move ON. Part of me is sick to my stomach that he is seemingly just fine without me in his life. My question is this...is no contact effective in taking your dignity back after you've made yourself so vulnerable? I put it all on the line months ago in the hopes he would wake up and it just didn't happen. I truly can't handle just being his "friend"...it hurts too much. Its a daily reminder of all that he doesn't want with me. Thoughts? I am sorry I think he is gay.
zakfar Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 It looks like you are in love with him. It looks like you want to have a serious relationship with him. I don't think NC was a good idea. It's more like 'Forcing' him into a kind of relationship he doesn't want. I never recommend it to anyone. First thing, you should try to learn what was the exact reason of the breakup of his last serious relationship. It seems to me that he has had a really bad relationship with a woman in the past, which is causing all this trouble. He is technically 'Afraid' of serious relationship with you, as you are a woman. He doesn't trust you, even though he likes to be with you. And if this is all true, than more you 'Force' him, more you are moving him away from you. If this is the case here, then you will need to work out the things by winning his trust on you. You will need to change his perspective that he can 'Trust' a woman. You should stop that NC and get back to him in the way he wants, like just for be a friend. I know you have already sacrificed a lot, but you haven't tried it thinking like this. If you get back with the intentions to change his mental response, you can prove him that he is wrong. Find out as much as you can about that relationship. You will need to do the things in an entirely opposite way that the woman he hates so much did. Though if you want to go for this, you will need to work really hard. Wish you good luck. I hope it helps. Zakfar.
Author surrender Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 I am sorry I think he is gay. UGH...You are not the only person that has told me they believed this to be true.
Author surrender Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 It looks like you are in love with him. It looks like you want to have a serious relationship with him. I don't think NC was a good idea. It's more like 'Forcing' him into a kind of relationship he doesn't want. I never recommend it to anyone. First thing, you should try to learn what was the exact reason of the breakup of his last serious relationship. It seems to me that he has had a really bad relationship with a woman in the past, which is causing all this trouble. He is technically 'Afraid' of serious relationship with you, as you are a woman. He doesn't trust you, even though he likes to be with you. And if this is all true, than more you 'Force' him, more you are moving him away from you. If this is the case here, then you will need to work out the things by winning his trust on you. You will need to change his perspective that he can 'Trust' a woman. You should stop that NC and get back to him in the way he wants, like just for be a friend. I know you have already sacrificed a lot, but you haven't tried it thinking like this. If you get back with the intentions to change his mental response, you can prove him that he is wrong. Find out as much as you can about that relationship. You will need to do the things in an entirely opposite way that the woman he hates so much did. Though if you want to go for this, you will need to work really hard. Wish you good luck. I hope it helps. Zakfar. Hi Zakfar, Thanks for your response. Your insite may be dead on, I just don't have the strength to "try" and "hope" anymore. He has HUGE relationship issues that only he can work through. We have discussed trust so many times and he claims to trust me more than anyone. However, he is carrying several past relationship suitcases that have not been unpacked. At some point I have to let him realize what he's choosing to let go...
Trovador Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Same case here, I am the one who goes NC because she doesn't want a relationship... I guess they love that someone is in love with them... only... Don't stay around him and his breadcrumbs... it's not worth and you might miss meeting other people who might be interesting (as it has happened to me)...
Popondetta Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 I am a person who believes in second chances and positive outcomes (I believe it more for others than for myself). However, in your case I just react to the fact that you two never had any physical contact beyond a hug. If you two never felt the urge to kiss etc. up until now, I don't think that would come later. (I might be very wrong about this,...just my thoughts). So what I think is; -You two are not meant to be more than friends because you are not physically attracted to one another/ one of you can't feel that type of chemistry /he is gay I wish you all the best, and hopefully I am wrong Edit: I know it is hard to see this, but you will feel so much more happy when you meet someone who wants you as a girlfriend and not a friend. You deserve someone who loves you and wants more than a platonic friendship.
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