How much would this bother you?

[ASG]

If you're in a serious relationship with someone, and presumably headed toward marriage, then THAT person is more important than any friends or ex. Friends and exes come and go, but when you love someone and want them to be your lifelong partner, who gives a crap about anyone else?

 

Maybe you just don't have the same concept and you're just dating for fun or don't really care if you get married. For me, anybody who is hanging onto their past so dearly clearly isn't deserving of my love or my loyalty.

 

See, the bolded bit is where I think you're wrong. Because the whole "bros before hos" thing? Actually means that SOs come and go but friends are forever!

 

And I've been in a relationship where I distanced myself from my friends, not because my SO asked, it just happened that way, we were spending all our time together. And then, after a couple of years we broke up. And who did I have to lean on? Who was my shoulder to cry on? Oh that's right! I didn't have anyone! Cause I had distanced myself from my friends, and now they were just people I knew and I couldn't exactly dump all my problems on them, when I hadn't been there for the last couple of years!

 

And you may be on the path to a LTR, to marriage, to spending the rest of your life to ONE person. But if something happens along the way and the relationship doesn't work for some reason (heck, some people DIE at a young age!), then what?

 

I do believe that your SO should be your best friend. Someone you trust and share everything with. Your first and last call of the day and all that.

But he can't be your whole life!

Cause again, that's negating yourself!

 

And I'm not hanging on to my past! I'm hanging on to my present and future! My friends aren't my past. My exes who are my friends aren't my past. My exes who aren't my friends, yes, they're my past, but I don't give a rat's ass about them anyway!

 

My ex and I broke up very recently. And due to my maintaing my friends, I had people helping me out through that! People I could talk to and who would take me out and distract me! If I hadn't "given a crap about anyone else", they sure as hell wouldn't have been there with arms open, ready to help me, cause they would have moved on. Sure I could call and talk, but I wouldn't feel confortable doing it.

 

I'm not just about dating for fun, but it's also not my life's mission to find a husband.

And I've learned form my mistakes, that you can't negate who you are. Cause you'll end up being pretty miserable.

[stace79]

ASG, you can have healthy friendships that aren't harmful to your relationship. But having tons of single male friends as a woman in a relationship (or vice versa - bf having tons of single female friends) is nothing but a gigantic red flag. Studies show that more often than not, affairs and cheating happen with FRIENDS as opposed to some random, one-night stand.

 

In deciding who to make friends with or stay friends, a responsible and respectful gf/bf will always think about whether or not the friendship is going to harm your relationship. If your friends with an ex that you're still attracted to, you shouldn't be friends with that person. If you're friends with a single guy who flirts with you all the time and is clearly not respectful of your bf, you should end the friendship.

 

The issue I have is that so many people say "I'm not letting my bf or gf tell me who I can and cannot be friends with"... that just reeks of selfishness and shows me that the relationship is not their first priority, and I have no time or desire to waste on someone that selfish.

[ASG]

I get what you're saying, but it also doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

I have X amount of friends. A percentage of males and a percentage of females. Some are single, some are not.

I am not doing to "dump" my single male friends. Cause they're not single for my benefit! They're not single because they're waiting for me! They're single because they haven't found the right person.

 

I don't CHOOSE to make male single friends when I'm in a relationship. It either happens or it doesn't!

 

The thing is, if I'm friends with an ex only because there's still something there, things will naturally cool off once there's another person involved. Same goes for any flirty friends - who, if I'm interested at all will be at least FwB.

 

Before I started dating my last ex I had several guys on rotation that I stopped seeing when we got together. I didn't stop talking to them, but comunication kinda grinded to a bit of a halt, seeing as we weren't making plans anymore, so there wasn't a lot to talk about. I would talk to them, on occasion, on FB or msn or something like that, in a "how's life" kinda way. That didn't bother my bf at all.

[WorldIsYours]

I don't CHOOSE to make male single friends when I'm in a relationship. It either happens or it doesn't!

 

That's like saying a cheater fell on someone's crotch.

 

The thing is, if I'm friends with an ex only because there's still something there, things will naturally cool off once there's another person involved. Same goes for any flirty friends - who, if I'm interested at all will be at least FwB.

 

Naturally cool off? Things don't just naturally cool off with an ex, and if you're with someone new, the relationship discussion with your ex should be tied off completely.

 

Before I started dating my last ex I had several guys on rotation that I stopped seeing when we got together. I didn't stop talking to them, but comunication kinda grinded to a bit of a halt, seeing as we weren't making plans anymore, so there wasn't a lot to talk about. I would talk to them, on occasion, on FB or msn or something like that, in a "how's life" kinda way. That didn't bother my bf at all.

 

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

[stace79]

That's like saying a cheater fell on someone's crotch.

 

 

 

Naturally cool off? Things don't just naturally cool off with an ex, and if you're with someone new, the relationship discussion with your ex should be tied off completely.

 

 

 

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

Some people get it; some people don't. I just know that I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who was so selfish and had so little respect for the relationship. It would never last.

[samsungxoxo]

And you may be on the path to a LTR, to marriage, to spending the rest of your life to ONE person. But if something happens along the way and the relationship doesn't work for some reason (heck, some people DIE at a young age!), then what?

This can definitely happen and because someone decided to toss out all friends as well as exes.... that person is left with someone and nothing.

 

I understand the part of respecting your new relationship but to get to the point of completely cutting contact with an ex who is still your friend... is just mean.... same as if I were to end all my friendships. What I do believe is in balance.

Now if a future boyfriend tells me to completely cut all ties with my ex because he's sooo uncomfortable or gets jealous.... then I'll consider dumping him.

At times.... friends don't just come and go... they can be there for you when you're undergoing a crisis. So I also disagree with the ''friends, exes come and go''....just as a SO, they're people with feelings too. Sometimes you might even have problems in your current relationship that can't be solved solely with your SO and who is there to help you out? Your friends....

[samsungxoxo]

Naturally cool off? Things don't just naturally cool off with an ex, and if you're with someone new, the relationship discussion with your ex should be tied off completely.

There are people that can do many things at once (study, work, stayed friends with an ex, be in a new relationship, etc..) and still can handle it. What you think of them?

[stace79]

The problem here is that neither samsung nor ASG recognize the difference between healthy friendships and unhealthy ones when it comes to a LTR.

 

If you have a problem with your SO, and you go talk to your single exboyfriend who also still has a thing for you, he's going to tell you what an ass your bf is and how you should dump him. Not because it's true advice, but b/c he has ulterior motives.

 

You need to be friends with people who respect your relationship and who will give you advice that is looking out for both YOUR best interests and the best interests of your relationship.

 

More often than not, single friends of the opposite sex and exes are NOT going to be looking out for your best interests or those of your relationship.

 

Because the two of you are selfish, you are not putting the health of your relationship above your own wants, and so no R for you will ever be successful until you learn that. And even if somebody was stupid enough to stick with you, they will never be happy because you disregard his/her feelings and needs.

[ASG]

The problem here is that neither samsung nor ASG recognize the difference between healthy friendships and unhealthy ones when it comes to a LTR.

 

If you have a problem with your SO, and you go talk to your single exboyfriend who also still has a thing for you, he's going to tell you what an ass your bf is and how you should dump him. Not because it's true advice, but b/c he has ulterior motives.

 

You need to be friends with people who respect your relationship and who will give you advice that is looking out for both YOUR best interests and the best interests of your relationship.

 

More often than not, single friends of the opposite sex and exes are NOT going to be looking out for your best interests or those of your relationship.

 

Because the two of you are selfish, you are not putting the health of your relationship above your own wants, and so no R for you will ever be successful until you learn that. And even if somebody was stupid enough to stick with you, they will never be happy because you disregard his/her feelings and needs.

 

But where did I say that I would go running to talk to my ex about problems with my current bf?

I tend to be quite private about problems and only share them with very very very close friends. I am friends with some of my exes, but I'm not best friends with them. So they would not be my choice of shoulder to cry on.

 

I do however have friends who over the years have been single and taken and who I am very close with. Those friends I may choose to talk to about my RS problems. But those friends have *MY* best interest at heart, because they're my friends and nothing more!

 

My FwB or former FwB who I'm still friend's with would also not be my choice of shoulder to cry on.

 

I do understand human nature. And I do know when people have ulterior motives. So I choose not to rely on those people for RS advice.

 

But for a coffee one afternoon? Or a few drinks one evening? Hell, I would probably even invite my BF!

 

I think YOU are the one who can't distinguish things. Because you think that 1- just because a friend is male and single, he's after you; 2 - if you remain friends with your ex, you will run to him with problems with your new bf.

Neither of these are necessarily true. And also, I can tell when I'm being hit on and if I feel unconfortable about that I will say so. And if the other person doesn't stop, then I'm the one pulling away. Because *I* want to. Because *I* feel unconfortable. Not because someone told me I couldn't be friends with X or Y.

 

But that happens when I'm single too! If I'm not interested and I've had enough of flirting/chatting up/whatever, I pull away.