How much would this bother you?

[Keke1]

I don't post all that much but do read posts alot. This is totally insane IMO. It basically ruined my relationship(will post that in a little bit) It is very disrespectful. & what if his new woman or in case he gets married and cuts you off? What will you do then?

[samsungxoxo]

If you have feelings for an ex and refuse to put your new bf above him, then you are having what is called an emotional affair which is just as bad as physically cheating.

It's not about putting someone above but how everyone you dealt with in your life, makes who you really are.

Like stated, you can love your dog (if you have a pet), your house, your brother or a current spouse but none is above the other..... you care about all of them but in a different way.

[stace79]

It's not about putting someone above but how everyone you dealt with in your life, makes who you really are.

Like stated, you can love your dog (if you have a pet), your house, your brother or a current spouse but none is above the other..... you care about all of them but in a different way.

 

It's obvious you just wanted people to agree with you and tell you you're not doing anything wrong. But, if you truly want an honest and respectful and loving relationship with another man, you are going to have to let this ex go. Otherwise I would suggest that you just remain single or casually date.

[samsungxoxo]

I don't post all that much but do read posts alot. This is totally insane IMO. It basically ruined my relationship(will post that in a little bit) It is very disrespectful. & what if his new woman or in case he gets married and cuts you off? What will you do then?

Upon departing to my country which was 4 years ago, he said he'll never forget me and us always contacting each other.

Now he is currently dating but still calls me.

 

However, if he were to cut me off because of a new relationship then ok... I'll respect that.

[samsungxoxo]

It's obvious you just wanted people to agree with you and tell you you're not doing anything wrong. But, if you truly want an honest and respectful and loving relationship with another man, you are going to have to let this ex go. Otherwise I would suggest that you just remain single or casually date.

Wish that was easy but that's like part of me, of my life....my history. Letting go of a memory is like cutting a finger.

 

At best I can minimize our contacts but to ''never contact him ever again'' wow..... unless he himself tells me then it would be hard for me to proceed to this. What about on his birthday or the holidays??

[stace79]

Wish that was easy but that's like part of me, of my life....my history. Letting go of a memory is like cutting a finger.

 

At best I can minimize our contacts but to ''never contact him ever again'' wow..... unless he himself tells me then it would be hard for me to proceed to this. What about on his birthday or the holidays??

 

If you really love another man some day, that will be no issue. My ex did it for me, but only after I broke up with him. He said all the same things you did during our 3 year relationship, even though it was cutting me like a knife every time he talked to his ex. Finally I realized I'd be happier without him than putting up with him choosing another woman ahead of me, his own girlfriend.

 

When you really truly love somebody else, you will do whatever is necessary to make that relationship and commitment safe. If you can't give up an ex to secure your new relationship, then you prob shouldn't be dating the new person.

[Keke1]

Wish that was easy but that's like part of me, of my life....my history. Letting go of a memory is like cutting a finger.

 

At best I can minimize our contacts but to ''never contact him ever again'' wow..... unless he himself tells me then it would be hard for me to proceed to this. What about on his birthday or the holidays??

 

It seems like you want your cake and want to eat it to. I thought that he was in the same area as you but still why visit the past like you say you do? To me from what you post you go against the grain. IMO it wouldn't be ok but I wouldn't date you anyway. From my past exp. if you actually told me that you wouldn't stop contacting him I would stop contacting you. I was raised to respect the relationship you are in and I think that is very disrespectful. Every once in awhile if you were forthcoming and not sneaking and hiding things then I probably would reconsider. It seems like you are still into this guy though most men would feel threatened.

[carhill]

If your BF is disclosed, you are transparent in your communication with your ex, and your BF accepts your relationship with your ex, then it is acceptable within your relationship. The key is disclosure and transparency. Example: You and your BF have an argument. If you share your private relationship business with your ex, your BF is disclosed as to that dynamic. You and your BF decide together how to resolve the issues in your relationship. If he requests that you do not triangulate with ex, then you don't. Be clear about *his* boundaries. Ask him.

 

If you cannot do this, IMO you are not ready for a healthy intimate relationship. None of this precludes you from having a friendship with your ex, but rather *includes* your committed partner, your BF, in the dynamic, and respects *his* boundaries. That's what maturity is all about. Good luck

[Memphis Raines]

well samsung, you asked the question, and most here are in agreement that most guys won't be cool with you being in contact and confiding in someone you still have feelings for(and vice versa) and were intimate with.

 

so I don't think a committed relationship is for you until you realize that.

[hoping2heal]

Though I'm still not in a relationship, I was wondering about this.

 

I'm best friends with my ex BF... the man I both lost my V-card to and fell in the love for the first time.... so all was happening at once.

 

We will not stop contacting each other and sometimes still talk about the past.... how he still has me in his heart and back to present. I guess there is a spark left within me but I mostly see him as a brother or best friend.

 

Anyways I was wondering how would you all react to this. Would this be cheating? I'm going to respect my next relationship but will never erase my ex from my memory nor stop contacting him.... he means something to me too.

 

It seems some people don't want their SO contacting exes but they can still play a part of their lives... just as a SO but in different ways.

 

I do not wish any ill will towards any of my exes, and once upon a time they were important to me. Now they are just memories. I have moved on with my life.

 

I would not get involved with anyone still that connected to his ex. I am sure there will be some men okay with your decision, but I think it will rub most the wrong way since he was your first and bla bla bla. That can seem like a lot of pressure for your current SO to live up too, meanwhile he will be wondering why you cant let go.

[Sebstian]

I wouldn't be cool with it at all from what you describe, and I wouldn't accept it. Everyone knows how insanely easy it is to end up in bed with an ex, so it's very dangerous grounds. You say you'd never - but even cheaters say and believe that in the beginning of a relationship. Bad times are inevitable in relationships, and you don't want you SO's ex to be there and comfort them (and switching all the right get-horny-buttons, that he or she knows all about)

 

But situations differ, e.g. I had one ex through 5 years and we broke up without drama, so were able to stay friends - as in just friends! Even after we both met new SOs, me and my ex would meet for coffee every six months or so, just to keep up with each others lives. We never met at either ones place (don't temp fate). My new gf did the same with her ex, but since everybody were always totally open and ok with it (and no one had the wrong kind of feelings for their ex), it worked out well. It was quite nice to be able to still keep in touch just a little.

 

My then-new-gf eventually turned to ex gf (lots of drama this time!) and now wish to see me for coffee. As I still have some feelings for her, it's a completely different situation, and I kind of dodge it, to avoid screwing up my head and being unfair to my new gf. So you see situations vary.

 

Sebastian

[Professor X]

This has to be a trolls post.

 

No way in heaven or hell you seriously think that any man will go into a serious relationship with you knowing he will always be 2nd string. Number 2. The Beta dog. The 3rd wheel.

 

You, my fair lady, dwell in the past in a very unhealthy way. You compare time and again about how you can love things differently, and I agree, but what you got here ain't nothing like that at all.

A house, a dog, a sister, or w/e, is not something you have ever had anything intimate with (I hope so anyway), it has not popped your cherry and did not say "I love you" (in a, you're the only one for me, way).

 

Besides, your inability to move forward frightens me, perhaps you need to seek therapy?

For if you moved out of your house you would not go and revisit it every weekend or call the family that lives there, would you? No, you would have left it where it belongs, in the past. As should.

And what if you would have lost a family member? Would you call their name every day? visit their grave all the time? No, you would have moved forward, cause its simply bad for you to dwell in the past.

Same goes for your relationship, it died, but you cannot keep it in the past, you keep pulling this big burden with you anywhere you go, refusing to let go.

 

Very immature.

 

And just so you know, we all had this 1 super special person, but most of us moved on. Staying behind is simply never good.

 

Stace79 said "It's obvious you just wanted people to agree with you and tell you you're not doing anything wrong." - true.

 

That's probably the reason you are single - while you think its out of choice, its really not, its because you are so emotionally attached to your ex' that other man do no interest you.

[Memphis Raines]

This has to be a trolls post.

 

sadly it isn't. you have a glimpse into the mind of the original poster.

 

she even thinks that chatting with other guys online and pleasuring herself at the same time is a-ok.

[Professor X]

sadly it isn't. you have a glimpse into the mind of the original poster.

 

she even thinks that chatting with other guys online and pleasuring herself at the same time is a-ok.

 

Oh wow. In that case, her future relations are going to have to be with puppets, not men.

[samsungxoxo]

This has to be a trolls post.

I've been posting in this forum since 2006 and have way more posts/threads than you so I don't think so.

[samsungxoxo]

she even thinks that chatting with other guys online and pleasuring herself at the same time is a-ok.

Well come to think of it, I won't have time for this. I'll be too busy working my normal hours, studying and lastly doing extra work from home.

In regards to those online men I talked to long ago, that was it. They mean nothing but random talk to me. I now find that boring... thus the reaon I'm not really interested anymore.

[Professor X]

I've been posting in this forum since 2006 and have way more posts/threads than you so I don't think so.

 

So?

I have eaten more chickens in my life than you, doesn't make what I say holy.

[Memphis Raines]

In regards to those online men I talked to long ago, that was it. They mean nothing but random talk to me.

 

well I'm glad to know that "random talk" results in orgasm.

 

that being the case, I wonder how many committed people will feel about their sig others engaging in this kind of "random talk".

[Kelemort]

Though I'm still not in a relationship, I was wondering about this.

 

I'm best friends with my ex BF... the man I both lost my V-card to and fell in the love for the first time.... so all was happening at once.

 

We will not stop contacting each other and sometimes still talk about the past.... how he still has me in his heart and back to present. I guess there is a spark left within me but I mostly see him as a brother or best friend.

 

Anyways I was wondering how would you all react to this. Would this be cheating? I'm going to respect my next relationship but will never erase my ex from my memory nor stop contacting him.... he means something to me too.

 

It seems some people don't want their SO contacting exes but they can still play a part of their lives... just as a SO but in different ways.

 

 

This kind of behavior has more or less destroyed my relationship, and I'm 2 1/2 years in. The difference is that my boyfriend lied to me at the start and told me he wasn't in contact with his ex - then over the course of a year into our relationship, I find out 1.) he still has her phone number 2.) she's still his friend on Facebook. I was livid - mostly over the deceit, as I never would've dated someone who chose to still talk to his ex while moving into a relationship, and who thought he could call his ex a "friend" instead of his "ex" and get away with it.

 

If you are still talking about the past like this and he is still expressing his desire for you, then you are not moving forward and you are going to be stuck in the past for the rest of your life. Just because you lost your virginity to this man doesn't mean he needs to be an emotional competitor for your next boyfriend, which is really what all of this boils down to. You don't want to be with him, but you still have feelings for him. Feelings which are strong enough that you're insisting that no man is going to be able to separate you from his ex. In essence, if I understand correctly, your ex is going to come out on top every time.

 

This is simply the pain that keeps on giving. In my relationship, we are preparing to go to counseling because all of his behavior inspired such jealousy in me. I'm still crying basically every day over it. I feel like I am always going to be second best because of what he did to me. I still harbor great anger and resentment toward him because of it. All of the feelings he's inspired in me have caused me to frequently think about cheating (I never would, however). Still, the pain of this magnitude NEVER GOES AWAY.

 

To spend a year in a relationship with somebody who always wants to talk about their past - past sex life, fun things they did together, funny things the ex said, comparing me to the ex, talking about sending the ex gifts, etc. - just smacks of "He's still in love with her" and possibly "he still wants to be with her." I am telling you from the other side that it's excruciatingly painful. I wish that we had had any problem other than this one. The pain is enduring and long-term.

 

If I had known it would be like this, I never would have dated him. Before the police come in - I've stayed for multitudes of reasons. Because I loved him and thought eventually it would die down (He did stop the behaviors...but only ALL of them after 2 years). Because my self-esteem was low and I believed I'd never find anyone else. In the end, I can't say all or any of them were good reasons, but they were reasons at the time.

 

I'm begging OP and everyone else here who reads this to please NEVER do this to your new beau. When I dumped my ex, I broke contact and moved on with my life. More than 3 years later and I've never spoken to him since. I never brought him up to my boyfriend and when I did, it was rarely and in a negative light. I never would have told boyfriend, "You would have really liked him," as he told me about his ex.

 

It crushes your self-esteem. You wake up every day questioning your partner's love, even when the partner finally moves on. My boyfriend had no business dating me when he did, as he was clearly very immature and ignorant. I don't believe his conduct was malicious, but it was definitely hurtful whether it was intentional or not.

 

You are spelling the death sentence for any of your future relationships, as you make it clear that you cannot let your ex go.

[linwood]

Nope.

 

Contact with an ex is a problem.

Repeated consistent contact with an ex is a dealbreaker.

[ASG]

For me, a guy opposing me being friends with my exes would be a deal breaker.

 

Never been through it myself, but witnessed how it destroyed a friend's relationship (the guy being too jealous and forbidding her from contacting her ex - who is VERY long distance and a friend). It wouldn't work for me, as it didn't work for my friend and she ended up dumping his sorry, jealous, ass.

 

I value my liberty and my friends above all. And although when you're in a relationship you can't think of only yourself, cause there is someone else involved, that someone telling me who I can and can't be friends with is just not going to work.

 

That being said, I agree with things that have been said on this thread, about being completely transparent about it and respecting a few boundaries, as there is no need to make the current SO completely uncomfortable with an hour long phone call while you're hanging out (for instance).

[stace79]

For me, a guy opposing me being friends with my exes would be a deal breaker.

 

Never been through it myself, but witnessed how it destroyed a friend's relationship (the guy being too jealous and forbidding her from contacting her ex - who is VERY long distance and a friend). It wouldn't work for me, as it didn't work for my friend and she ended up dumping his sorry, jealous, ass.

 

I value my liberty and my friends above all. And although when you're in a relationship you can't think of only yourself, cause there is someone else involved, that someone telling me who I can and can't be friends with is just not going to work.

 

That being said, I agree with things that have been said on this thread, about being completely transparent about it and respecting a few boundaries, as there is no need to make the current SO completely uncomfortable with an hour long phone call while you're hanging out (for instance).

 

With this attitude, you'll never have a successful, healthy long-term relationship. When you love someone, the object of your love becomes the most important thing, even above yourself.

 

Love is not selfish, and you're being selfish if you value friends or exes over your significant other. Until you find someone you love enough that his/her needs are more important than your own, you'll never have a successful relationship.

[ASG]

With this attitude, you'll never have a successful, healthy long-term relationship. When you love someone, the object of your love becomes the most important thing, even above yourself.

 

Love is not selfish, and you're being selfish if you value friends or exes over your significant other. Until you find someone you love enough that his/her needs are more important than your own, you'll never have a successful relationship.

 

I am very independent and even though, when in a relationship, I prioritize my SO, dating someone who is jealous, which is, in effect, what this is, is just not going to work.

 

I'm not the jealous type. At least not if I trust my SO - if I don't I am full out paranoid, usually with good reason.

So having someone be jealous of me is not something I would accept.

 

Sure, on some emotional, irrational level, you may feel a bit insecure. But if there is trust, that shouldn't be a problem.

 

I just don't see how, in a healthy relationship, your SO effectively chooses who your friends are. Cause what you are implying is that if you have a relationship, you're not allowed to have single male friends and contact with your exes is a big no no. How is that reasonable?

 

If you are on a healthy relationship, your SO will understand that you have had a life before him and hopefully he also had one, before you! And that means friends, male and female, and exes! You can't erase that, just because you're in a relationship.

 

And cutting all contact with some friends (where I'm including the exes, as at least for me, some of them are my friends) is not, in any way, shape or form, acceptable. If the person I'm dating has that kind of requesite... then I'm afraid we won't last. Just like I won't stay with someone who is completely opposed to having kids, for instance!

 

Because what you don't seem to understand is that, yes, you put your SO's need in front of your own, but you can't negate yourself in doing that. And cutting people from my life that I don't want to cut, would, in my opinion, be negating myself and who I am.

And also, your SO should ALSO put your needs in front of theirs. And if those needs include you being friends with X and Y... then what? How does that work?

 

I don't think people can make those kinds of demands, that's all.

[Chi townD]

Caring and still having feelings about a past lover is different from being romantically in love. I care about him the same, I would for a brother or best friend. Why shouldn't I confide in him too?

 

See what I mean, you can love your shoes, your house, your SO, an old lover but all in different ways....

 

 

This statement is the reason why you will always have a problem with future relationships. Because your future boyfriend will always feel in competition with this guy. Your Ex was your first...everything. Now, your future boyfriend WILL be hurt by the fact that you can't confide everything with him. He will always feel like he has to share you. He will always feel that he doesn't have 100% of your heart. Now, you can argue that is not romantic love, but a brotherly love. The fact is, this guy isn't your brother. This is a man that you once loved and loved enough to give yourself physically to for the first time.

 

Point is, men want this just as much as women. They want to feel loved by their partner. They want the knowledge that their partner feels safe and secure and can confide with them fully. If you can't give that to them 100% then chances are they're going to find someone that is willing to. Now, I'm not saying that you have to lose your friendship with your Ex, but you HAVE to make your future boyfriend number one in your life.

[stace79]

I am very independent and even though, when in a relationship, I prioritize my SO, dating someone who is jealous, which is, in effect, what this is, is just not going to work.

 

I'm not the jealous type. At least not if I trust my SO - if I don't I am full out paranoid, usually with good reason.

So having someone be jealous of me is not something I would accept.

 

Sure, on some emotional, irrational level, you may feel a bit insecure. But if there is trust, that shouldn't be a problem.

 

I just don't see how, in a healthy relationship, your SO effectively chooses who your friends are. Cause what you are implying is that if you have a relationship, you're not allowed to have single male friends and contact with your exes is a big no no. How is that reasonable?

 

If you are on a healthy relationship, your SO will understand that you have had a life before him and hopefully he also had one, before you! And that means friends, male and female, and exes! You can't erase that, just because you're in a relationship.

 

And cutting all contact with some friends (where I'm including the exes, as at least for me, some of them are my friends) is not, in any way, shape or form, acceptable. If the person I'm dating has that kind of requesite... then I'm afraid we won't last. Just like I won't stay with someone who is completely opposed to having kids, for instance!

 

Because what you don't seem to understand is that, yes, you put your SO's need in front of your own, but you can't negate yourself in doing that. And cutting people from my life that I don't want to cut, would, in my opinion, be negating myself and who I am.

And also, your SO should ALSO put your needs in front of theirs. And if those needs include you being friends with X and Y... then what? How does that work?

 

I don't think people can make those kinds of demands, that's all.

 

If you're in a serious relationship with someone, and presumably headed toward marriage, then THAT person is more important than any friends or ex. Friends and exes come and go, but when you love someone and want them to be your lifelong partner, who gives a crap about anyone else?

 

Maybe you just don't have the same concept and you're just dating for fun or don't really care if you get married. For me, anybody who is hanging onto their past so dearly clearly isn't deserving of my love or my loyalty.