How do I forgive myself?

[so-wrong]

Having spent plenty of time since D Day mourning the loss of so much that I had & have destroyed (both inside & outside of the A), my thoughts are now changing & I'm coming to the realisation of what a pathetic, horrible person I truly am & to say I am disgusted with myself is the understatement of the year. I have behaved appallingly both by having the A & also in the contact I have had with MM & his BS after it ended (though she did contact me first). Every time I look back at what's happened I feel totally horrified & can't believe how I've acted & the things I've said. I hate the way I've let myself down so badly.

 

Will I ever learn to forgive myself & to move on from the horror movie that has been my life and if so, how long will it take? I am really struggling to deal with this at the moment & really need things to start getting better soon. I would change so, so much if I just had the chance. I feel like the only person who could help me is MM as he is in the same situation, but for obvious reasons I can't reach out to him right now. It feels like a never-ending nightmare.....

[whichwayisup]

First you need to stop beating yourself up. Start being good to yourself and make sure you have loving and supportive friends and family closeby to help you through this. Everyday you do something fun and nice for YOU!

 

You can't change the past but you can change the now and the future by not contacting him, or his wife ever again. And make a promise to yourself that you'll never date a MM or get involved with one knowingly (meaning, in the future if you find out the guy is married, RUN!).

 

Also, counselling could help you process everything in a healthier way so you don't lose 'who you are' completely along the way.

[so-wrong]

Thanks WWIU. Unfortunately I can't turn to family as they are so disgusted & disappointed in me, they would never want to talk about this & just pretend like everything is back to normal, which it really isn't for me.

 

My closest friends are still associates of his & so I feel that I can't turn to them as I'm not sure where their loyalties lie (with me or MM & BS). I have broken contact with them for the time being as he doesn't want me involved with them (but at some stage I will need to resume my friendships for my own sanity). My one other friend just wouldn't understand the A as she is just not the type to do such a thing.

 

I think deep down that time is the only thing that can truly help me (& LS obviously!). I just need time to go quickly & as painlessly as possible.

[siuys]

Having spent plenty of time since D Day mourning the loss of so much that I had & have destroyed (both inside & outside of the A), my thoughts are now changing & I'm coming to the realisation of what a pathetic, horrible person I truly am & to say I am disgusted with myself is the understatement of the year. I have behaved appallingly both by having the A & also in the contact I have had with MM & his BS after it ended (though she did contact me first). Every time I look back at what's happened I feel totally horrified & can't believe how I've acted & the things I've said. I hate the way I've let myself down so badly.

 

Will I ever learn to forgive myself & to move on from the horror movie that has been my life and if so, how long will it take? I am really struggling to deal with this at the moment & really need things to start getting better soon. I would change so, so much if I just had the chance. I feel like the only person who could help me is MM as he is in the same situation, but for obvious reasons I can't reach out to him right now. It feels like a never-ending nightmare.....

 

I know you feel horrible but beating yourself about it does no good whatsoever. I think counselling might help you especially if you feel you cannot talk to your friends.

 

MM will be the absolute LAST PERSON who will be able to help you. You need to stand on your own two feet and take care of you now. Yes, you have made a mistake (who hasn't). Go see someone, buy a few books, read online, post here to help you move forward if you can't talk to anyone else. You DO have choices. Take back control and do one thing that will help you feel better today, however miniscule. Don't dwell and wallow. It is only a nightmare if you want it to be.

 

You are not pathetic and horrible. You made a wrong call, probably was needy and naive about the situation. Ask yourself what learnt about yourself through this A. What have you discovered about yourself that you can change or better? (don't tell me you discovered you are pathetic and horrible).

 

Hang in there. It WILL get better.

[Spark1111]

Look, it is only at being at rock bottom do we find the motivation to learn and grow and heal.

 

Your remorse at your actions, your pain, is the very first step in the process. It is as if you are looking at yourself from the outside and seeing your actions through a prism and wondering, who was that person who did such self destructive and painful things.

 

Believe it or not, this is the very best start for a process that can make you a stronger, more confident and happier person: with yourself, your life, your family and your spouse.

 

It is the "why" of your actions you need to discover and in its discovery, it will liberate you from poor, self-destructive choices.

 

You can do this! But it will not be easy and it will take courage and perseverence the likes of which you may never have had to summon before.

 

Please get to Individual Counseling, hopefully finding one who has experience in infidelity. Roll up your sleeves and get to work.

 

You are NOT a bad person. You just need to learn why you made such a painful and self-destructive choice, one that has caused you trememdous pain and self-loathing.

 

Your affair was a symptom, not a cause nor an effect, of what is broken inside you.

 

Fix it. Start now. Try to identify what need this affair fulfilled for you. Don't stop with the obvious. Keep examining, keep digging with a good therapist.

 

I wish you courage.