zengirl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 A friend of mine (a single gal) read this (Meeting Your Half Orange by Amy Spencer) book and I borrowed it from her house the other day because I liked the cover and the title. I had kind of given up reading dating books because I find most of them pretty useless (an exception would be The Tao of Dating, which is somewhat useful). Anyway, Half Orange is a bit too 'law of attraction' for me in some ways, but she does back it up with some of the neuroscience that actually makes certain LOA things work (I don't believe in "The Secret" but there is a real, neurological basis for positivity and happiness in thoughts being connected to positive results in life). And I like the concept, similar to Tao of Dating, of focusing on the relationship, rather than the partner, you want. (Now the relationship you want will INFORM the partner you want, naturally.) It was perhaps the turning point with my BF. I broke it off. There were a lot of good things in the relationship, and before his uncertainty, maybe he could've been my half orange (I don't know) but he isn't now. Because he cannot give me the relationship I dream of---which is one where the doubt had never occurred, where it is doubtless, smooth, and comforting. But anyway, I won't go over my whole "half-orange" list here, I did just want to recommend the book. It's not that it's ground-breaking, but it caught me at a good time for it, and made me look at some other things. And, really, it just seems like a HAPPY book. So many dating books are depressing. Most aren't even right. None are 100% right, not this one either. But at least it's. . . uplifting, rather than critical of the user. Anyway, I think it's a good book (it's written from a female perspective, though) to help you make a love list. We'll see WHEN (not if) I meet my half-orange.
eerie_reverie Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Hey zengirl! I'm sorry to see this, but I'm glad you have come to a decision that you feel is right for you. I probably won't check that book out, but thanks for the suggestion!
Knittress Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Thanks for the book rec! Something besides LS I can 'research' so I don't have to actually go on dates! (oy vey) Your wording about your boyfriend not being able to 'give you the relationship of your dreams' raises my cynic-flags. Dreaming is a great way to throw your life away, this I know - and I think most relationships tend to end up like a rusty bicycle - mildly annoying but better than walking. I know what you mean though, how a relationship is an entirely different entity than the people involved and sometimes despite all odds it turns into something you don't want - even if you wish you could keep the other person.
OliveOyl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Hey Zengirl, Thanks for the book recommendation. I actually believe in the LOA. I've had enough weird/coincidental things happen in my life that I'm pretty convinced. I don't think it's all as easy as "The Secret" implies, though. It's a bit out the scope of this forum, but I can see how LOA works and how it's brought me the people I've met in the past and the present. That's why I don't think dating is just a "numbers" game. Good that you've focused on what you really want and need from a relationship, that is more than half the battle.
Author zengirl Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Thanks for the book rec! Something besides LS I can 'research' so I don't have to actually go on dates! (oy vey) Your wording about your boyfriend not being able to 'give you the relationship of your dreams' raises my cynic-flags. Dreaming is a great way to throw your life away, this I know - and I think most relationships tend to end up like a rusty bicycle - mildly annoying but better than walking. I know what you mean though, how a relationship is an entirely different entity than the people involved and sometimes despite all odds it turns into something you don't want - even if you wish you could keep the other person. Well, I tend towards the more pragmatic end of the spectrum, so for me, I need to kick up the "dreaming." I think everyone needs to find balance in that area. I do think some people get stuck in confused-sort-of-dreaming and take your point there. That's never been my issue. I have seen so many amazing marriages and relationships, and I know I'll have one too. I don't think they are rusty bicycles at all. Perhaps you haven't had the best examples? I think focusing on the other person leads to a de-focusing on yourself that sometimes is detrimental, whereas focusing on the relationship can hopefully help you hone in on the fulfillment you want and who you want to be, as well as how you want to be treated and interact with the other person. WHO they are still matters, of course, but it's more about putting you and them together and getting that fulfillment. After all, at the end of the day, what most people want is the fulfillment from what they get TOGETHER, not the particular person. I want a great relationship, not just a great man.
Author zengirl Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Hey Zengirl, Thanks for the book recommendation. I actually believe in the LOA. I've had enough weird/coincidental things happen in my life that I'm pretty convinced. I don't think it's all as easy as "The Secret" implies, though. It's a bit out the scope of this forum, but I can see how LOA works and how it's brought me the people I've met in the past and the present. That's why I don't think dating is just a "numbers" game. Good that you've focused on what you really want and need from a relationship, that is more than half the battle. Well, I believe in certain aspects of the LOA. Depends on what version of it we're talking about, but the book talks about how learning can actually be seen in your brain (true) and how visualizing a task and physically practicing it often have the same effect on your brain (true) AND the same results, depending on physical limitations (i.e. practicing reps in your mind will not build muscle, but practicing a dance routine IN YOUR MIND will improve your coordination and ability to do that routine, almost as much as actually physically practicing it---studies confirm this and not just the ones she mentions in this book). And the truth is, our brains determine most of our lives. Neurological pathways are everything.
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I love that book! Not sure it will work for me but it is a refreshing approach from all the books that describe in detail how exactly you have to behave to find a man. I had a lot of those and I gave them all away after I bought "Meeting Your Half Orange". The other books made me feel exhausted just by reading them. I was wondering: "Where is the love?" I have always been someone who liked to kind of "roll into" a relationship. You meet someone, you meet him again, you are not really thinking about it and all of a sudden there is that spark. Works best for me. That's also why I don't like online dating (although I find it hard to meet people in other ways if you are older). You have your checklist all the time with you (Is he attractive? Tick. Does he have a job? Tick. Does he live close enough? Tick. Etc...). I love things just to happen without thinking about them. The only problem is that I have the impression that when you are older, it is difficult to meet people. Even though I am not really shy, I find meeting new people rather stressful.
Author zengirl Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 What I like from that book most is the idea of: (A) Don't the things you want to do now -- not waiting on anything because it's a "couples" activity; be the person and do the things you want to do now. (B) Looking for the relationship you want as much as/more than the person. Creating a checklist for how you want the relationship to go, rather than silly things you want in a partner. I think those things would work to bring fulfillment, and, eventually, a partner that is suitable. It's not so dramatic from what I normally do, but a natural evolution and a nice shift. That's also why I don't like online dating (although I find it hard to meet people in other ways if you are older). You have your checklist all the time with you (Is he attractive? Tick. Does he have a job? Tick. Does he live close enough? Tick. Etc...). The author actively encourages online dating in the book. I guess I've never seen online dating the way you do --- I mean, I do look for specific things, etc, but mostly, I read the profile and figure out the vibe. If the vibe is, in any way, not something I absolutely dig, I won't go out with him. To me, that kind of resonates with the Half-Orange theory of doing the things that make you feel happy.
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