marriedandcrying Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I am a MM trying to work things out with my wife. She had an affair with a man we hired to do renovations on our home. We have been together for 24 years and the ending was brutal. Not screaming and yelling but just plain cruel. She woke up on Dec 23 about 11pm and just told me to leave. She had used all my pay from that period to buy presents etc and then tossed me out like garbage. I asked her was there someone else and she said no. She gave me unrealistic reasons and that was that. I found out via her email account what was going on and then confronted her. She was involved with a MM and had become his little secret. I asked if she had been with him before she threw me out and she said no and that;s why she wanted me to leave so she wouldn't be cheating on me. After about 2 months she wanted to work things out with me. I went back but kept my apt running (in case). I really didn't want to but I needed her to say I want you home. She never did she would just ask me to stay at her place. During discussions I would ask her if she slept with him in our bed. She said NO but it turned out to be another lie. I found out she would have me stay with the kids while she was off saying she was at a friends and then be with him. About 15 things including keeping contact with him even after she told him we were back together came to light. To be fair to her it was not her that initiated contact. He sent an email after I was back with her simply asking how are you and she replied. Then he sent a second one she says she did not answer. I asked her to confront him and his wife about it all and she refuses. I said I will do it and her answer was if you do we are through. I tell her that this is a way of protecting him. She gets mad and says its just me trying to get revenge. I thing she is right but I also believe the wife needs to know who she is sleeping next to. since we have been back togeother she has tried to make me understand that she wants nothing to do with him and that she feels dirty and below a snake for what she did to me. She doesnt know what caused the affair but she wants it behind her and for us to move on and build new. I want the same thing but I fee lhim everywhere in the house. I see his transparent image on the couch, in our room, in the kitchen and it enrages me. I want to tell her how much I still love her but I also hate equally for what she did to me. Not just the affair but everything... the lies, the inability to confront him or his wife, and the way she sometimes makes me feel like I should be apologizing for how she feels because she is sad and disgusted with herself. How do I help her without giving up whats left of me. I want to rebuild and we have both entered I/C and soon M/C. I attack her sometimes with my hurt and rage she is absolutely right. How can I feel it without having some place to put it. The only thing I know I can do is stuff it way down and try to forget but I am afraid that this will only cause it to come back one day more powerful than I can control. I am having a lot of difficulty finding closure with all this. It would like others feedback on what they think. Are we doomed? Is she just worried about my feelings? Can we get passed this? Can I ever learn to let go? Is it possible for her to just not want to talk about it anymore because she is also in pain but afraid to tell me because she thinks it belittles my pain for her to have any? Should we just send an email to him letting him know if any further attempt at contact is made a restraining order will be sent to his home while his wife is present to let him know to back off? Help Me please to love her and forgive her without losing myself in the process She says she has told me everything now and really is full of remorse. She also says she is afraid of what his wife could do if she found out. :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused: please help ASAP
BB07 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 You will get more assistance in the infidelity forum marriedbutcrying.
Author marriedandcrying Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 I tried that forum but truthfully they are a bit harsh and only want to inform me to be rid of her. I am not looking for reasons to keep her, but I need at least an honest and fair answer and not one that only condems her for her behavior, but one that allows me to see my part in it and how I can heal and go forward with or without her
Carrot2000 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 It's important for your wife to understand that she has to be completely transparent if she wants to move past this; no more trickle-truths. She also has to understand that she is broken, figure out why she is broken, and take responsibility for her actions. It's up to her to do all of the heavy lifting and fix things. If she wants to keep you, she must do what you ask of her, and that includes exposing OM to his wife. A lot of people refer to the "Divorce Busters" website and follow the suggestion to "180" a cheating spouse. The 180 list NOT to be manipulative but to help you focus on yourself. It's not done to make your mate jealous, but to give you some distance from them and the situation. It also gives them the impression that you're moving on with your life and able to be happy without them. When you pursue your wife you are probably reinforcing and rewarding her behavior, so she has no reason to change. Doing a 180 will shock her, give her a glimpse of what life without you will be like, and hopefully make her work harder to win back your trust and respect. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
BB07 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I tried that forum but truthfully they are a bit harsh and only want to inform me to be rid of her. I am not looking for reasons to keep her, but I need at least an honest and fair answer and not one that only condems her for her behavior, but one that allows me to see my part in it and how I can heal and go forward with or without her I just read your other thread and the advice you got was pretty standard stuff and you did get other advice than just to dump her. There are a lot of steps that you and your wife will have to complete before you can heal. If you haven't done so already, google infidelity boards and you'll find other resources. Use those resources combined with here at LS. There are some reconciled BS's here who have a happy marriage but they have done a lot of work. Also you will probably get more responses in the coming week on your thread in infidelity but you need to keep it active with your concerns and questions. Be open and keep your defenses down as there are many who've been there and done that. Good luck!
Recommended Posts