Am I looking for closure, or is it something more?

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Backstory:

Almost 10 years ago (it's crazy to think it was that long ago), I met the guy who would colloquially be considered my first love. We had a very intense, passionate relationship that began officially one night when, after several months of tentative friendship, we tearfully confessed to be in love with each other. From there, the passion only got stronger...and since we were both very immature due to our ages, that passion made for a very difficult relationship, filled with lots of fights and tears. He asked me to marry him after we were together a couple of months, and we planned on moving in together and getting married.

 

The relationship lasted just shy of a year. One night we got into a very heated fight over the phone and I made some thoughtless comment about us not being right for each other, and he replied "Maybe you're right" and hung up. From that moment on, he completely cut off contact with me. The year following that, I was absolutely devastated. I truly believed he would come back. I went alone to my highschool prom, dreaming that he'd show up and sweep me away again. I tried contacting hi many times that year, but he was very successful at ignoring me. We had one 10 second phone conversation a few months after the breakup/cutoff, only because his mom answered the phone and gave it to him, and he didn't know it was me. We also had a short MSN conversation after that. I really wanted to understand what had happened - why he had given up on us so suddenly - but of course I didn't get any answers out of him, I probably only made him more frustrated and not want to talk to me even further.

 

It took me over a year to even be able to consider being with another guy after that. When I finally was, the passion was nowhere close to what I had with my ex. I wouldn't say I still wanted him, but I definitely wanted to talk to him. Even though I knew any conversation would probably degenerate into a huge argument, I wanted to understand. But I never got that opportunity, and I think it really messed me up.

 

I thought about my first ex all the time, partially out of anger and hatred for what he did to me, partially because I just wished I could talk to him again. This lasted over the span of years and at least 2 other serious, longterm relationships. I began to deal with my first ex my pretending he never existed. I didn't mention him to anyone, and acted as though my first serious bf was the guy I dated after. It did make it easier to get by.

 

4.5 years ago I met the man who is now my fiance, and that's when things really started to turn around. I ended up being honest and telling him about my first ex, and he was very understanding. He didn't think it was a big deal at all. And to be honest, I didn't feel like it was a big deal at all anymore either. I felt like it was finally over and I could forget about him. And for the last 4+ years, I haven't really thought of him at all, except as a life experience. I was happy.

 

Present day:

I got a random phonecall/drunkdial from a very old friend this weekend, someone I haven't spoken to in years. We used to be very close, but he's been best friends with my first ex for quite a long time (of all the irony, it was I who introduced them), so obviously we haven't been very close since that. We spoke for a short while when he suddenly says "(Your ex) is here with me!" I was just like "Ummmm...ok?" and felt very awkward. Why would my friend be drunkdialing me in front of my old ex of almost 10 years? Then he says "Want to talk to him?" I didn't really know what to do, so I said yes, my brain going at 100km a minute. This is the guy who has left me so unexpectedly, so many years ago, who I would have killed to talk to just one more time years ago. But not now, that I'm engaged and in a happy relationship. But now, after all this time, he actually WANTS to talk to me???

 

So...we talked. For the first time in about 8 years. It lasted about half an hour. We didn't mention a word about the breakup (I didn't even mention anything about us ever being in a relationship, although he did), and spent most of that time catching up. From what I understand, he'd kept up with my life reasonably, whether through our mutual friend or on his own accord (I'd been keeping up with his life as well, up until the time I got with my now-fiance and generally stopped caring about other males). I went out in our backyard to talk to them because my fiance was watching a movie, and had to get off the phone because he texted me to come back. But we had a...good talk, I guess? It didn't resolve anything, or answer any of the questions or resentments I've been harbouring for so many years, but it was...good. They said they were going to a party the next night and might drunkdial me again from there, and I found myself actually looking forward to it.

 

Now I'm confused with myself. I am feeling some really strong feelings and I don't understand what they are. I am thinking about my ex a lot since that phonecall, when I need to be focussing my energy on my current relationship, which is the right one for me. This is some idiot I dated when I was a teenager, who didn't even have enough respect for me to break up with me, just left without a word. Now I'm with a guy who loves and respects me more than anything, after years together, and is fully prepared to spend the rest of his life with me. So why am I thinking of this ex now? I keep telling myself it's because what I truly want is closure, but I don't know. I don't even know if I'd have to courage to bring up what happened with us 8 years ago.

 

I know this was really long and I apologize. But what do you all think? Should I be trying to get closure from this guy, or is it unnecessary? On some subconscious level, am I trying to see if things could still work between us, even though I've already found who I believe to be my soulmate?

 

So confused

[zakfar]

"I Luv the Chariot OH" You should ask yourself a few questions. Don't skip any of these, and repeat them many times a day for next few days:

 

. What is my name? Who am I?

. What is my age? How old am I?

. What do I want?

. What is the biggest aim of my life?

. Do I want to be successful financial (either be successful myself, or become a wife of someone rich)?

. Do I want to have a man who loves me, takes care of me, respects my feelings, and can do anything to keep me happy?

. Do I want to be with someone whom I love, doesn't matter if he loves me or not, and doesn't matter if respects my feelings or not? I just love him and that's enough for me.

 

I think you got the idea what I'm talking about. You can add more questions to this questionnaire, and have yourself a psychological therapy to play with your subconscious mind.

 

"I Luv the Chariot OH" One thing you need to understand here. That 10-year old ex has high impact on your mind. The basic defination of 'Love' is 'Extreme Affection/Fondness/feeling of attachment for someone'. Uncommon to many, such feelings can be the consequence of many emotional states of mind. The major ones include - feelings of wonder, joy, happiness, envy, and even in some cases, awe, fear, shock, and hatred. I know it will confuse you a bit trying to understand the complicate Psychological stuff. The point I want to discuss here is that, any emotional state of mind can change with time, hence resulting in increase/decrease in so called 'Love'. The second thing is that, you can force yourself to actually 'Fall in Love' with someone you want.

 

It is not easy to change the priorities of mind. I won't be too complicated here. Just think as if there is a priority list inside our mind, and our mind acts accordingly. Nothing is fixed. The priorities can level up and down with any major influence on mind. Now, such influences can be made artificially as well. It depends on you. You can start liking something you hate most.

 

It is better if you start thinking this way. If the steps I mentioned don't help you, research on the topic, and work out this way. If you push your feelings just right away, without any major psychological interference, you cannot remain happy with your current fiance. The thoughts of your ex will keep disturbing you. Besides, the harsh reality is, if you leave your fiance and go with your ex, there are higher chances that you will start having such feelings of this fiance of yours. You are currently in a dilemma, and you have to leave one of them. But you leave anyone, the thoughts of him will keep disturbing you.

 

I hope it can help.

 

Zakfar.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Thanks for the insight zakfar, but I'm definitely not about to leave my current relationship for my ex. I know that would turn into a huge regret. I guess my question is more, is it unreasonable for me to want closure from my ex? Shouldn't I just be able to let it go if I've already moved on?

[zakfar]

Technically, my first post is based on the point that will help you to 'stay with your current and leave your ex'.

 

Do the therapy as I said. You need to forget your ex. You need to tell him clearly that you don't want to meet him, as you're already engaged. You need to close down all your options, and make your mind ready that you are doing it right. You need to come out of the dilemma that's started to bother you. Past is past, live in present, and plan for future. You should be happy with your decision, and this therapy will help you in that. If you still face trouble, I will be glad to help you in that. But first, you should 'X' your ex.

Edited April 12, 2011 by zakfar