please help

[blondebarbie]

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Hi Everyone! I am new to this!

 

I have been with a man for 13 years! Never married! We never even mentioned it! We have 1 child together who is 9 years old. About 6 months ago I packed up and moved away with my son! He was smoking pot all the time and I just couldn't take it! He actually came with me and kept telling me that everything will be all memories! Just memories! Then he went back downstate and quit smoking pot so he says which I believe, and now has a girlfriend! I moved back down to see if I could save our family! I did hang up the phone a lot on him because I thought he was cheating and so did other people! But now I want him back! He said that he loves me and will always love me, but he likes the way he is now. I don't do drugs, and never cheated on him! I swore to him that I never did even though he thinks I did. I admit I didn't pay enough attention to him as I believe that I should have, but he isn't perfect neither!

 

Now I cry everyday, and even though I know he is being with her everynight, I still want him back! I had written down all the bad things he has said and did but none of it matters! I WANT HIM BACK! So what should I do! I plead to him, and he said that he went through it too!

 

I just don't want to throw the 13 years away! What should I do? Please help! I am desperate!

[lost the plot]

how long has he been with this other woman and did he give you other reasons for leaving...

[blondebarbie]

I had spoken to her because he has been denying her saying she was just a friend. Now since I spoken to her, he has almost admitted it! From what she said it has only been 2 months! If I have been with him for 13 years how could he? I asked him if he loves her? He said no! I asked him if he was going to marry her, he said no! I asked him if there was a chance that we would get back together he said he couldn't predict the future! He still hugs me, but doesn't kiss me back when I kiss him! I asked him if he was still in love with me? he doesn't say anything. Sometimes yes when I ask him and sometimes just doesn't say anything! I know I am a mess! He never gives me straight answers! Could she just be a rebound? Or maybe he had a taste of his freedom and likes it? Not that he never had lost it! He always did what he wanted to do anyhow!

 

I asked her to back off because I still love him and there is a child envolved. She said that he told her that we have been over for 3 years! Which I told her that was a lie and that she could speak to anyone! But she still isn't backing off so that means he must be telling her other things!

 

I just don't want to let go yet! I still want him back! Why? I don't know! But I do! I don't want to hurt anymore!

[lodt the plot]

this is going to be hard....

 

you have been with this guy for so long that he would never consider what hes lost until it hits him in the face....its the norm to be with you and he sounds like he just wants a change of scenery, boredom may have set in!

 

please read this

 

"we split we talked then she cut me off and never speaks after six years together "

 

the advise i would given you is what i do now and its the only was to combat this situation i feel....

 

when i met that girl i was 18 stone bubby always outgoing plenty to do and a good laugh...

when we finshed i was 25 stone always stayed in no goals nothing!

 

the point! after we broke up i called as i stated and grovelled and begged which looking back isnt really attractive to anyone! i felt the same as you believe me, i however lost my identity i wouldnt relate to people , i didnt dress well (im not saying all this is the same for you by the way) i lost my pride my self esteem everything... and i blamed her for it ...but it wasn't her i came to realise i did it to myself! i would allow her to be nasty to me on the phone while i cried forgiveness it was a sorry state of affairs and to be honest im really emarrased by it all now! this isn;t the person she met! this wasnt me!

 

after that last phone call on her birthday when i didnt even get the words out ( 2 yrs later) i finally kicked myself up the arse and said to myself enough was enough! like me if you really want him back as i do her there is only one way!

give em something to kiss and change what you are doing !

 

1 week after that phone call i started down the gym 3/4 times a week, now 8 months later im 21 and a half stone and feeling better in my head and in my self! xmas time i spent a lot of money on clothes and changed my image to how i want to be and how i was before i met her! evereyone has noticed and there isnt a week goesw by that i dont get a nice comment ! but i refuse to give this up now!

 

YOU NEED TO MAKE HIM REALISE THAT WHAT HE HAD IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR! STOP CRAWLING TO HIM ! IT MAKES YOU LOOK WEAK! DESPERATE AND NOT ATTRACTIVE!

 

the hardest bit for me is that she never gets to see it! but as my friends will say someone will see you and it will get back and thats when curiosity sets in!

stay focused! if he sees you moving on and accepting it - this will shock him!

 

you sound like a really caring person, you don.t need to knowwhat he or she are doing she is only in your life because of him, dont add to the pressure! if he is stubborn howver it may take time but belive in yourself - dont accept crumbs from somebody who isnt prepared to respect your feeling! ie him saying " maybe we will get back!"

 

say bollocks to that and have some respect! let him play he will soon realise after 13 yrs the grass isnt always greener!

 

the other thing is that if he finished with her and said to you can i come back you will never know if it will happen again but if he saw you moving on and he came running back fast then as long as you stay your ground and believe you deserve respect he will never do it again! dont lose respect for yourself !

this is what i did but it is going to take a long time before she realises the person she met again but then maybe for her it will be yoo late! no more begging please! we are all here for you !

 

DAZ X

[Arabess]

DAMN....he sounds like the other AssClowns on the 'Other Woman/Man' threads!!! You are right....they will play two women like a fiddle and not feel the least bit guilty.

 

Truth is....if he's lying to YOU and to HER....he won't stop. I have no idea why a guy would do this.....but he's not an enigma.....it is the norm with lots of guys. I find it very disturbing.

 

IF....you want to live your whole life feeling just like this.....go ahead.....try to get him back. He'll straighten up just long enough to get back on your good side then do whatever the hell he wants on the side.

 

It's your choice. BUT....heartache will always follow him around.

[blondebarbie]

Thanks for the feedback!

 

I can relate to everything that everyone is saying! This is the problem! Right now, I eat, breathe, and sleep him! It feels like he conquered my whole world! I am a very independent person, but right now I lost myself in him! It's like he has consumed me!

 

I feel like I took advantage of him always going to be there! He constantly blames me for cheating on him but I know the accuser is always the doer! Now, I say to myself do I really want that? Is that the kind of man I want to be with for the rest of my life? Do I want him around my son? My head is telling me HELL NO! Heart is telling my to go ahead and follow it! I feel like I haven't had enough of him and don't want to let go! I guess when it is time for me to let go I will! In the mean time I feel like a fatal attraction maniac! He tells me that when I call him he can't concentrate on work and I mess with his head! So am I getting through to him or am I pissing him off?

 

I have no will power to stop calling him! I have tried! And god, at night, it's the worst! I can't sleep! The good thing about the whole damn thing is that I lost 65lbs and I am now back down to my original weight when I had met him! On the other hand, I know I don't feel healthy because I am getting sick all the time (gagging) thinking about what he is doing? I know I am doing it to myself, but it's like I am obsessed!

 

Now the final ? Do I want him back because he has someone else? Or do I want him back?

[Arabess]

The fact is at this point...you do want him back. The emotional reasonings of "WHY" aren't the point. Or are they????? Can you get to a place of reasoning as to why he seems to be the most important person in your life regardless of how he is making you feel???

 

Love isn't about feeling like CRAP. That's not what it's designed to bring into your life. If it's making you feel bad and isn't making you happy.....it's messed up.

 

Your decision then becomes this.....is THIS the kind of love you want or what?? Don't confuse it with the person you think you want. Think about what you want from 'love' in your life. Once you've established that....THEN look at him and see if he is fulfilling that love you need and want. If he isnt'...then how will he EVER make you happy?????

 

Now, there may be lots of reasons why you want him back. BUT...NONE of them have to do with what will ultimately make you happy in your quest for love.,

 

This is as good as it will ever get. IF it's not good ENOUGH...don't you owe it to yourself to at least move on and look for someone who WILL meet your heart's desire??? Anything less is a sell out. Anything less will leave you at the end of your days WONDERING if you could have found just the right person to meet your needs.