iris219 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Do people act shocked that you’re single? Do they start feeling bad—not just bad for you, but bad in general? Some people act like it's some terrible fate that could befall good people and they’re trying to figure out how to avoid it. My singleness makes people sad and uncomfortable. They start apologizing and trying to make me and themselves feel better by saying things like "I’m so sorry you can’t find anyone. That sucks.” I find myself trying to comfort them. I say things like, “I’m happy,” “I’m sure I’ll meet someone soon,” “Don’t worry about it, it’s OK.” The idea that attractive women can be perpetually single is perplexing, odd, and just makes some people uncomfortable. It challenges their worldview to learn that there are women with a lot going for them who can't find dates. I get it from people I know and strangers (I teamed up with an elderly neighbor the other day to return a loose dog to its owner and the whole conversation ended up being about why I don’t have a husband/bf when he found out I didn’t). He kept apologizing that his son was married. I have a friend of a friend who comes into town every couple months and was amazed I was still single. A group of us went to get drinks last night and as soon as he found out I was still single he started trying to figure out why. And he couldn’t: I’m actually perfectly normal and likable IRL. He finally just said, "I don’t get it.” These are two recent examples. It happens all the time. Why is my being single a quality people have to try to "figure out?" How do people react when they learn you’re single?
interfuse Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I do have a lot of people that ask if I have a boyfriend and when I tell them no, they respect that even though sometimes they ask why.
carhill Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Gnashing of teeth, flailing of arms and various impacts into inanimate objects as they scatter.
Duckduckgoose Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I get it from people I know and strangers (I teamed up with an elderly neighbor the other day to return a loose dog to its owner and the whole conversation ended up being about why I don’t have a husband/bf when he found out I didn’t). He kept apologizing that his son was married. My $0.02 on this old man was that he was apologizing that his son was married because he thought you would be a better catch then his son's wife and it was probably more of a mental thing with the old man. Like "Damn this woman is hot my son should hook up with her instead!". A lot of the old men I cared for during clinicals would ask if I was married (if they could talk or were conscious). I would tell them no, that my exH left me. They got really confused. After the first couple times of that I just redirected conversation. Does it bother me if they pity me because I am single? I think my own pity bothers me more TBH. I don't know if seeing hot women that are single bothers me... most of them are gorgeous and could get any man they looked at! What bothers me more is seeing a nasty fugly girl with a good looking guy. Call it jealousy, call it envy, call it butthurt that I'm divorced and it burns like hell. But that **** makes me mad. If the woman was hot with an attractive guy it doesn't bother me so much it seems more... balanced. But using yesterday as an example yesterday when I was out shopping I saw several couples where the guy was VERY attractive... and the girl was sloppy, unkempt... just gross. That makes me want to beat my head on the wall cause I stay in shape, wear nice clothes and am not half ugly. To each their own I guess. Of course one of the ladies I talk to, hadn't seen her in a while asked me if I had found anyone yet. I was like "no..." It kind of makes you feel inferiour in a way, but whatever. I got other **** to deal with right now before I throw a man in the mix again.
Disillusioned Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 "Why can't you just get any old cow?" "You poor, poor devil! Don't you feel gypped by not having sex???" "Way to go, dude! You can party as much as you want and never have to worry about getting your bank account legally raided!" "You don't know how lucky you are." (this is usually said in a sour tone)
EasyHeart Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I think this is one of those issues on which there is a large gender divide. Women look at marriage as one of their major goals in life; men look at it as something to avoid or enter into reluctantly. Generally, if I meet new people and my marital status comes up, men tell me how smart/lucky I am and encourage me to stay single; women start thinking about which of their friends they should set me up with.
Author iris219 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 I don't know if seeing hot women that are single bothers me... most of them are gorgeous and could get any man they looked at! What bothers me more is seeing a nasty fugly girl with a good looking guy. Call it jealousy, call it envy, call it butthurt that I'm divorced and it burns like hell. But that **** makes me mad. If the woman was hot with an attractive guy it doesn't bother me so much it seems more... balanced. But using yesterday as an example yesterday when I was out shopping I saw several couples where the guy was VERY attractive... and the girl was sloppy, unkempt... just gross. I tend to see a lot good guys with horrible wives/gfs. I get a little jealous then. I've seen guys who put up with so much from women who have little to offer--these girls complain, whine, and control these men entirely, and I don't get it. I recently had to stop being friends with a girl who treated her bf like crap. She had to know all his online passwords, he supported her because she didn't want to work full-time, and when he didn't do exactly what she said, she would freak out, literally. Once, in public, she threw a full ashtray at him. This is when I knew we couldn't be friends. She was seriously crazy and he never complained, and he was a better catch than her! I feel like I see this sort of thing (though not to this extent) a lot.
Ross MwcFan Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Nearly every adult is single at several points in their life, so I don't see why anyone would react shocked or anything to learn you're single at that moment in time. When people have aksed me am I married or do I have a girlfriend, and I say 'not at the moment', they don't react in any way at all. If you mean how do people react to you always being single, then yeah, I can understand people feeling sorry for you or wondering why.
orangelady Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Nearly every adult is single at several points in their life, so I don't see why anyone would react shocked or anything to learn you're single at that moment in time. When people have aksed me am I married or do I have a girlfriend, and I say 'not at the moment', they don't react in any way at all. If you mean how do people react to you always being single, then yeah, I can understand people feeling sorry for you or wondering why. I'm with ya.....people don't really react, unless I was a superstar or something.
Author iris219 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Some people seem to react more to the fact that I don't date than the fact that I'm single. I'm amazed (and impressed!) at how often some of the people on here seem to date. How do you find all these different people to go out with?
somedude81 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Some people seem to react more to the fact that I don't date than the fact that I'm single. I'm amazed (and impressed!) at how often some of the people on here seem to date. How do you find all these different people to go out with? How do you not? Say in an average month, how often do you get asked out or approached by men?
zengirl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) Granted, I've never been perpetually single, really, for years on end, but I have friends who were. What it's met with seems to depend on a few things: 1.) The reason the person appears to be single. 2.) How the person feels about being single. 3.) What the viewer (the one doing the reacting) feels about it, based on their own issues. I've never encounter "OhmyGod-You'reaLeper" things, but I'm young, cute, and in and out of relationships. Still, I have 30something friends who are single who haven't encountered that either. I think a lot of it depends on what kind of single you are (single because you're looking around for the right person, single because you never want to settle down/aren't ready yet, or single because you're sad, lonely, depressing, and just sit around and each chocolate cake and watch Dancing With the Stars and talk about how hard life is---all very different). And, yeah, some people will always be surprised or patronizing or whatnot, but everyone who's in a relationship was single at some point, so it's kind of silly for them to think "single" is some kind of disease. As far as finding people to date --- I go out and do things with my friends and meet people, I stay active on OKC and date fellows who I might fancy there, and I join new groups and activities (for friends, mostly, but when you meet people in co-ed settings, you sometimes get dates too). I've met guys all over the place. Mostly because I talk to people all the time and love making new friends. Meeting new dates and making new friends take a lot of the same skills (attraction factors in, of course, but people could easily be attracted but not see opportunity, if you're lacking those skills). I think this is one of those issues on which there is a large gender divide. Women look at marriage as one of their major goals in life; men look at it as something to avoid or enter into reluctantly. Generally, if I meet new people and my marital status comes up, men tell me how smart/lucky I am and encourage me to stay single; women start thinking about which of their friends they should set me up with. And yet studies show men in my generation (20somethings today) prioritize marriage and relationships as life goals than women, a higher percentage are willing to sacrifice their careers for marriage than women, and more men even want children than women! (Not a vast gap in any case, less than 10%, which is good, because hopefully we can keep the numbers fairly even so people can meet their matches or not, as appropriate for what they want in life.) Perhaps it's also a large generational divide. I don't find it too difficult to meet marriage-minded men (ranging from deperate-for-it to patiently-waiting) at all, nor do MOST of my male friends celebrate when they break up with someone and are single again. (Some prefer to stay single, but so do some female friends I know.) I think the gender divide has lessened in my generation, since women can now be happy to be single without being sadsacks and men can feel more free to express emotions (still not free enough) and build attachments openly than men of previous generations (without being called "wimpy"). How old are you? Edited April 10, 2011 by zengirl
veggirl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 People my parents age will ay things like "are all the single guys blind?" or "what's wrong with the single guys you know" or "if I was your age, I'd date you!" and stuff like that. People my age don't care or make comments about it. (I'm 28)
Author iris219 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 How do you not? Say in an average month, how often do you get asked out or approached by men? Hmm…That question is more complicated than it seems. How often do I get approached in my daily life? Almost never. How often do I get asked out? Almost never. How often do random men smile or say hello to me? Often. (But I guess they’re just being friendly.) Maybe I’m doing something wrong!
Darren Taylor Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 They act shocked, but generally don't press it any further. At this point, people probably think I'm gay but I don't care.
somedude81 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Hmm…That question is more complicated than it seems. How often do I get approached in my daily life? Almost never. How often do I get asked out? Almost never. How often do random men smile or say hello to me? Often. (But I guess they’re just being friendly.) Maybe I’m doing something wrong! Hmm, I'm surprised. Would you mind saying how old you are? Well you could wear something like this Right now I'm in the camp that women are single, only because they want to be and reject most of the men who ask them out. If a woman is single because she rarely gets asked out or approached, well that just challenges that belief. And we can't have that now can we.
Author iris219 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Zengirl, By the way, I always enjoy reading your posts. I just turned 32. I’ve been single for about 3 years (however, I got back together with an ex for a few months about 3 months ago. I hate to admit that this was partly out of desperation. I’m not unhappy being single, but I started thinking how nice it would be to just have a man to go out with—considering I don’t date! I guess I started feeling a bit hopeless.) I have a great, tight knit group of friends that I hang out with a lot, and the problem with that is that we don’t really add new people to the group. I’m the newest “member”—I came in about 5 years ago. I should probably make an attempt to be friendlier, like you say you are. I’m not unfriendly, just more reserved around new people (but not shy). I haven’t tired online dating. I don’t think it would be a good fit for me. Also, men in my age range (30-45) don’t seem to be single.
Author iris219 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 They act shocked, but generally don't press it any further. At this point, people probably think I'm gay but I don't care. Funny! I have a girlfriend (who's been single for 8 years, by the way), and when we go out to dinner with a group we're often the only single people. There have been times when servers have asked us if we are together on the check.
zengirl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Zengirl, By the way, I always enjoy reading your posts. Thanks. I just turned 32. I’ve been single for about 3 years (however, I got back together with an ex for a few months about 3 months ago. I hate to admit that this was partly out of desperation. I’m not unhappy being single, but I started thinking how nice it would be to just have a man to go out with—considering I don’t date! I guess I started feeling a bit hopeless.) I can see how it'd be an issue if you got stuck in the pattern. Getting stuck in a pattern is always frustrating. I have a great, tight knit group of friends that I hang out with a lot, and the problem with that is that we don’t really add new people to the group. I’m the newest “member”—I came in about 5 years ago. I should probably make an attempt to be friendlier, like you say you are. I’m not unfriendly, just more reserved around new people (but not shy). I always try to meet new people even when I have great friends. I struggle to make time for it specifically because I know how easy it is for me to get into a "comfort zone" and lose these skills. I'm a bit shy naturally, too, though an extrovert who loves people. A lot of it is habit, thought patterns, and the actions we continually take. I haven’t tired online dating. I don’t think it would be a good fit for me. It's not for everyone. I've had good experiences and bad ones. It's good for me because I've moved around a lot. I also use meetup.com and such to make friends when I move somewhere new. Also, men in my age range (30-45) don’t seem to be single. I'm sure it gets harder, as people pair off. But I'll date up to 32 or so, and I meet plenty of guys in their early 30s. There are tons of guys older than that who I know who are single (too old for me) so I think they're out there. I also have female friends your age who find men to date. Every area is different, of course, but I do think some of these guys are definitely single, available, and out there. And, if you're looking for a real relationship --- in the end, you only need 1. Just the right 1.
Author iris219 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Hmm, I'm surprised. Would you mind saying how old you are? Well you could wear something like this Why are you surprised? That shirt is pretty awesome. I bet I'd get approached if I wore that to the gym!
Disillusioned Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I think this is one of those issues on which there is a large gender divide. Women look at marriage as one of their major goals in life; men look at it as something to avoid or enter into reluctantly. In L.A., the opposite holds true... the men want committed relationships, the women want to go to the grave without giving in.
PerpetualMotion Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 After spending my college years without dating anyone, a part of the family started thinking that I was gay. My reaction: never introduced any of my ex-girlfriends to them. So, they probably still think I'm gay. Everyone else only cares if I'm happy. Sometimes, it gets awkward when I meet some of my parents' friends that have daughters and immediately suggest hooking us up, especially when the daughter is also present.
EasyHeart Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 And yet studies show men in my generation (20somethings today) prioritize marriage and relationships as life goals than women, a higher percentage are willing to sacrifice their careers for marriage than women, and more men even want children than women! (Not a vast gap in any case, less than 10%, which is good, because hopefully we can keep the numbers fairly even so people can meet their matches or not, as appropriate for what they want in life.) Perhaps it's also a large generational divide. I don't find it too difficult to meet marriage-minded men (ranging from deperate-for-it to patiently-waiting) at all, nor do MOST of my male friends celebrate when they break up with someone and are single again. (Some prefer to stay single, but so do some female friends I know.) I think the gender divide has lessened in my generation, since women can now be happy to be single without being sadsacks and men can feel more free to express emotions (still not free enough) and build attachments openly than men of previous generations (without being called "wimpy"). How old are you?Could be. I'm 48. But my comment about the gender difference had nothing to do with whether people want to get married -- I was referring to social pressure. I've heard lots (and lots!) of women complain about comments they get from their (married) female friends that are some variation of "OMG, what's wrong with you? Why aren't you married?", which is what I think the OP was referring to. I've never heard of (or experienced) any equivalent sort of thing from men. As to my comment about my married male friends, the point there is that being married for 20 years might make you a little LESS "marriage-minded". Or maybe it's a "grass is greener" kind of thing: many times I've offered to switch places (especially if his wife is cute), but no one's ever taken me up on it. . . .
zengirl Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Could be. I'm 48. But my comment about the gender difference had nothing to do with whether people want to get married -- I was referring to social pressure. I've heard lots (and lots!) of women complain about comments they get from their (married) female friends that are some variation of "OMG, what's wrong with you? Why aren't you married?", which is what I think the OP was referring to. I've never heard of (or experienced) any equivalent sort of thing from men. As to my comment about my married male friends, the point there is that being married for 20 years might make you a little LESS "marriage-minded". Or maybe it's a "grass is greener" kind of thing: many times I've offered to switch places (especially if his wife is cute), but no one's ever taken me up on it. . . . Right, I think the social pressures are different in younger generations, and the 'wants' probably have stayed the same. However, women in my generation can more freely say, "No thanks" to forever-relationships and men in my generation can more freely say "I want a great love!" without being told to stop being girly. I have seen many older men say "Grass is greener" type statements without actually meaning it. I imagine it's part of socialized male bonding language as much as anything else, especially with older generations. That was mostly my point, though I don't think I made it well.
EasyHeart Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Right, I think the social pressures are different in younger generations, and the 'wants' probably have stayed the same. However, women in my generation can more freely say, "No thanks" to forever-relationships and men in my generation can more freely say "I want a great love!" without being told to stop being girly. Hopefully that's the case. But it could also be that you're just not old enough to have run into it yet. Check back with me if you're still single on the dark side of 30 and all your female friends are married. Just yesterday a female friend (she's 32) was complaining about getting together with some college friends and them spending the whole night "attacking" (her word) her for not being married. I have seen many older men say "Grass is greener" type statements without actually meaning it. I imagine it's part of socialized male bonding language as much as anything else, especially with older generations. That was mostly my point, though I don't think I made it well.I've always assumed that. But judging from the ever-increasing divorce rate in my social circles, I'm not so sure anymore. It's sad.
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