moonlight123 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 He cheated on his girlfriend with me. I didn't know he had a girlfriend and when I found out I left him when I found out. He apologized profusely and tried to get me back. I know he was genuinely sorry but I couldn't take him back. He eventually got back with her. A few months down the line they get engaged. I know it sounds silly but I still had feelings for him and thought I'd be able to move on. I am self respecting woman with a good self esteem but I just could not shake my feelings for him and could not move on. We ran into each other one day and I told him my feelings and he told me his. He said he loves her but he thinks of me all the time and misses me. He said he loves me still but feels ashamed because he shouldn't be feeling this way when he's engaged. Well he ended up cheating on her with me AGAIN. I am ashamed because htis time i KNEW he was with her and I still did it. Never imagined myself to be the other woman. My question is...he cheated on her with me not only once but TWICE. I feel like their relationship is completely messed up but they are still engaged. I am still so attached to him and cannot forget him. Is he really in love with her if he cheated on her with me twice?
dreamingoftigers Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Don't you mean the title should be I HELPED AN ENGAGED MAN CHEAT TWICE? Seriously, what does it matter if he "loves" her or not? If that is how he acts when he's in love then that is pretty pathetic, no? And if he isn't in love with her then he should have the balls to nit be engaged to her, right? The only questions you should be asking yourself are: how do I get as far away from him as fast as possible? And What the Hell happened to my decency as a human being to help this guy cheat even though it makes me feel so ****ty? And where is a counselor to help come up with new strategies to find a better person to do things with? Sorry OP, you put yourself in the dog house with this one.
TurboGirl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 To Dreamingof Tigers, yes I know you are a BS, why even comment on things like this? It is too close to home for you. The OP said she didn't know the first time! Clearly she feels bad, so why trounce on her? Who gives a crap about their relationship? Who cares if he is "in love with her?" All I see is that the first time you didn't know he was engaged... and like many of us, you got sucked in. 2nd time... you kinda knew & maybe was secretly hoping that he would dump the financee. I can see this playing out in my head, you keep going back for more, because you are so attracted and this guy is a smooth talker. Your good self esteem will be not so good anymore soon if you keep on. This is about YOU and what is good for YOU. This guy is not.
carhill Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 OP, I read your past threads. The one commonality throughout was that you never engaged in a discussion; never responded and discussed. You've started eleven threads on essentially the same topic and never have engaged any of the people who took the time to provide support and advice. Are you willing to change?
dreamingoftigers Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 To Dreamingof Tigers, yes I know you are a BS, why even comment on things like this? It is too close to home for you. The OP said she didn't know the first time! Clearly she feels bad, so why trounce on her? I would say that considering my history that this is pretty minor to my experiences and therefore not as close to home as you may think. I would also say that my "BS" position (as in betrayed spouse) has not harmed me from taking with plenty of OW who felt trapped in their R or were waiting for something to change because the current state of the R wasn't working for them. In this case the OP is specifically laying the blame on the guy with the title of her post. Not true, she can believe whatever she wishes about him but is complicit in the acts that she feels terrible for. There are only two ways out of her situation: he drops her or she drops him. He isn't going to drop her, he is going to cake-eat until the cows come home under the guise of love. If by some astonomical odds he does drop her, that will be pretty devastating to her self-worth. For her to drop him she needs to step up to the plate and realize that she is part of what is making her feel bad, not just the guy. She has put herself on the line and she now needs to know that he is not worth pursuing in any way shape or form. His love or not doesn't matter because he doesn't treat the women he loves properly if he does love them OR he doesn't love the women he gets relationally involved with. Either way, the dynamic will not magically become healthy and OP has a lot more crappy feelings coming her way if she doesn't walk away. Trounce her? Aye.... wake up call. She is at the helm of her own ship waiting for someone else to steer. Good way to run aground.....
TurboGirl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Dreaming of Tigers, go back & read the other posts by the OP. I think she is full of lies, a different story every which way. OP, you need some professional help.
Author moonlight123 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Turbogirl: What makes you say that I'm a liar? You just assume so by looking at all my posts? There are several posts from my account on this site..all of which are sincere..And also I have a close friend and roommate sharing my account with me so there many be some different posts about different topics here that may not relate to my situation. I come on here to get advice and I appreciate everyone's help. I read every single post that gets written in response to my threads. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has posted and taken the time to read my questions and give advice. Carhill - thank you for your comment. I see this website as a way to get answers to questions and wasn't aware that people would be waiting for responses. I appreciate all the comments that people have written.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Dreaming of Tigers, go back & read the other posts by the OP. I think she is full of lies, a different story every which way. OP, you need some professional help. I did read them and figured that there was some long-term circumstances and that in other posts she may have been posting to get a different perspective. Turbogirl: What makes you say that I'm a liar? You just assume so by looking at all my posts? There are several posts from my account on this site..all of which are sincere..And also I have a close friend and roommate sharing my account with me so there many be some different posts about different topics here that may not relate to my situation. I come on here to get advice and I appreciate everyone's help. I read every single post that gets written in response to my threads. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has posted and taken the time to read my questions and give advice. Carhill - thank you for your comment. I see this website as a way to get answers to questions and wasn't aware that people would be waiting for responses. I appreciate all the comments that people have written. Yeah, we get all excited for responses and updates on here.
SoleMate Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I thought dreamingoftigers made a perfect response, which did not show any BS bias. I would have said the same thing and I am not a BS. To the OP, it does not matter what this man feels about his "fiancee", what matters is how YOU feel about YOU. It seems you don't like what you're doing, so stop. You also don't feel good when you think about this loser, so stop thinking about him. Move on.
Author moonlight123 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 thank you, I will be sure to respond to the posts that people write to me now. I appreciate your advice...its very hard to use common sense when very attached and attracted to someone...once a person gets sucked in its very difficult to get out...the fact thought that he is he is a cheater and I shouldn't tolerate that...he should have left her before doing anything..I guess I am partially to blame..my intention was never to cheat with him a 2nd time because I was aware that he was involved..and I didn't allow him to cheat until one thing led to another and it happened. Never in my life did I ever imagine myself doing such a thing.
TurboGirl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) Why? It is FREE to open an account! Gets confusing when you see one screenname posting different stuff. Really. Posting different stuff to get different perspectives, well then of course. Everyone lies, I forgot. Silly me, I came here to get honest. I see that is impossible with forums packed with half truths. Best wishes to all of you who are telling it sincerely. Edited April 10, 2011 by TurboGirl adding sentence.
carhill Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 OP, can you accept that whoever he loves is outside your control and irrelevant to your personal health? Who were you before this man existed in your world? Read the thread in my signature for help in regaining that health.
Author moonlight123 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Thanks Carhill...I was great before I met him and I really enjoyed my relationship with him. I was very happy. I just am having trouble letting go of what we had and keep secretly hoping they won't work out. I know it's not healthy. I've been dating others but it just hasn't been working out for various reasons.. and I keep thinking of him..speaking to him brings me a lot of happiness..I feel like we connect so well..but he is involved with another woman and as long as they are together there is no room for me.
Author moonlight123 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Turbo girl..I do realize it gets confusing...but they only had a couple questions to ask and if we were all sitting here together it made since not to open a completely new account
carhill Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 The way it works is he's attractive, his words ring true with your psyche and having sex bonds you to him. Everything after that is merely maintenance. The real test is his proactive interest, through *actions*, in your life. Not talk, actions. Looking back, having been an OM numerous times, this was the clear demarcation. People who cheat are expert at creating scenarios but lousy at following through in any healthy way. Think about the dynamic you'd have with an available man with whom you were intimate emotionally and sexually and compare. Compare your expectations and what is met and what is not. It's really telling. If the emotional attachment won't disconnect, get counseling. It works if you want it to
Author moonlight123 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 yes I daydream about finding someone else..I have tried going on dates with several men recently in hopes that I will find an available man who I want to be with, but not of them have piqued my interest..I feel if I found an available man that I really was interested in and he treated me well then the pain would fade away...but it hasn't happened yet..and when I am alone...I think of him...and that is why I keep resorting back to him...I have lost all motivation to even look for other men. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather not risk getting hurt again.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 thank you, I will be sure to respond to the posts that people write to me now. I appreciate your advice...its very hard to use common sense when very attached and attracted to someone...once a person gets sucked in its very difficult to get out...the fact thought that he is he is a cheater and I shouldn't tolerate that...he should have left her before doing anything..I guess I am partially to blame..my intention was never to cheat with him a 2nd time because I was aware that he was involved..and I didn't allow him to cheat until one thing led to another and it happened. Never in my life did I ever imagine myself doing such a thing. Why? It is FREE to open an account! Gets confusing when you see one screenname posting different stuff. Really. Posting different stuff to get different perspectives, well then of course. Everyone lies, I forgot. Silly me, I came here to get honest. I see that is impossible with forums packed with half truths. Best wishes to all of you who are telling it sincerely. Sorry TG, not trying to trigger anything. I just thought that was kind of what it looked like. Some users have more then one account too, or they "rise from the dead" under a different user name. I think most people on here are consistent but there are some that just use the forum as a tool for whatever they feel that they need, and that isn't always to get better. OP, can you accept that whoever he loves is outside your control and irrelevant to your personal health? Who were you before this man existed in your world? Read the thread in my signature for help in regaining that health. I don't see a signature Carhill. The way it works is he's attractive, his words ring true with your psyche and having sex bonds you to him. Everything after that is merely maintenance. The real test is his proactive interest, through *actions*, in your life. Not talk, actions. Looking back, having been an OM numerous times, this was the clear demarcation. People who cheat are expert at creating scenarios but lousy at following through in any healthy way. Think about the dynamic you'd have with an available man with whom you were intimate emotionally and sexually and compare. Compare your expectations and what is met and what is not. It's really telling. If the emotional attachment won't disconnect, get counseling. It works if you want it to This ^^^^ yes I daydream about finding someone else..I have tried going on dates with several men recently in hopes that I will find an available man who I want to be with, but not of them have piqued my interest..I feel if I found an available man that I really was interested in and he treated me well then the pain would fade away...but it hasn't happened yet..and when I am alone...I think of him...and that is why I keep resorting back to him...I have lost all motivation to even look for other men. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather not risk getting hurt again. Okay: 1. Everyone has certain stimulus in their head that has been "pre-programmed" for what they look for in a mate. It is entirely possible (in fact likely) that this guy has tripped some stimulus that releases infatuation hormones. 2. You are not going to effectively bond with someone else while you are stuck on him. It isn't how great or not great the other guys are, it is the fact that your infatuation for this guy blocks them out. 3. Your limbic system is going to respond to the loss of him if/when you walk away. It will hurt it is supposed to. That is how the bonds break. 4. Your brain will adjust to him not being there and you will return to your normal and be able to find an available guy who will stimulate those same bonds. If you find yourself repeatedly getting bonded in unhealthy circumstances then you will definitely want to go to counseling because it means that your "template for romance" got set in an unhealthy way. Counseling can help reset your template or at least minimize it's impact. Good luck, don't let this dude swing you to and fro.
carhill Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Signature line comes and goes; no understanding as to why. Direct link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/
dreamingoftigers Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Signature line comes and goes; no understanding as to why. Direct link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ Ha ha mine too. Don't get it either. Maybe not all threads require a signature.
Author moonlight123 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 thanks for your advice. All those things you said are true..easier to say then believe them and put them into action..but that's what I must do for my own sanity! It's really not a good feeling knowing that one day they will walk down the altar and I could be even more miserable than I am now. That's why I need to do whatever it takes to save myself the heartache. Thanks everyone
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