DollyGirl12 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Good morning everyone. First, if you have read any of my posts I have been NC with my exbf for 8 months, since last Sept. I had been reading the message boards here since about that time, however just signed up for my account last month. What my ex did to me hurt deeply, to the core of the heart. I ended things with him when I found he was looking up escort services and emailing people on craigslist for 3somes and hookups. To this day I don't know if he had done if previously with me, and I really don't care. After finding out what he was doing I then found that this was something he also did with his previous ex girlfriend. Sneaking around behind her back having 3 somes with other couples and he also had pics of a 20 year old college girl giving him a BJ (he was 31 at the time). He is now 34. In between the pics were all the "i love you" emails to his ex. Quite honestly, it just made me physically ill. The porn sites that he is on, and had hundreds of porns in his "favorites" are not the norm porn, in my opinion. There was a mix of gang bang, giant cXXXX, black on white, and teen porn. Again, this is a man who professed his love to me over and over again, was always extremely affectionate and always wanted to see me. His family just loved me and we were planning a future together. He also had hundreds of PersonalsXXXX@craigslist in his email address book (it does auto save). He is the sneaky type that wants the adoration of other women while having the good woman at home, being faithful to him. Also, he was in a relationship with another women when he and his previous xgf began seeing each other. He ended that relationship and then went on to tell me how his ex had cheated on him with her previously bf. He ended up going to her previous ex's home and put nude pictures of her on his car. What a tangled web we weave. And this is a man in his mid 30's now, early 30's when it happened. He would be almost cruel to her, telling her that she was not marriage material when they would break up, then going back to her. They were on/off for about 3-4 years or so. So,,,,,yes, this hurt deeply. I did what many people do, in the beginning and I questioned why he would want to do something like this to me. After seeing so many of the things I saw it did not take me long to realize that he was the one with the problem, not me. IT WAS NOT ABOUT ME. He's very narcissistic and a pathological liar, but always professing that he never cheated and only wants honesty and someone with good morals in a relationships. HAHAHA!!! So, whatever his is, mentally disturbed, someone with a personality disorder, a pathological liar, whatever label you want to put on it,,,,he is not going to change. This is who he is and not someone that I even remotely want in my life. Reflecting on all the "good" things was just not working for me. The bad and sick stuff greatly outweighed any good memories. It's so easy for us to wonder what is wrong with us, are we not good enough, why would they do something like this to us. AGAIN, IT'S NOT ABOUT US. It's about them and who they are. Take a good look at Sandra Bullock. What's wrong with her? Absolutely nothing. She's beautiful, talented, smart, and just an overall good woman. She took Jesse's children in to her life and gave them all the love they desired and deserved. She was a good, loving wife. She would beam when she talked about him in public, what a wonderful husband he was. Just take a good look at the woman he cheated on her with? In my opinion, and it's only my opinion, there is not even a close comparison. It had nothing at all to do with her, it was about him and his inability to implement self control. I wish I could have handled things with the grace and dignity that she did, but I did slip a few times and let him have it. Then take a look at Tiger Woods. Beautiful, smart, classy wife who is a wonderful mother. What kind of women was he going after? PLEASE, again, no comparison. I'm sure everyone can think of other examples, but I do think I get my point across here. These men did not want "out" of their relationships. There was absolutely nothing wrong with their wives. They are just broken and don't know how to be real, honest, and faithful people. (This is not gender specific, this can apply to both men and women). It took me thinking alot about these kind of situations to get a grip on reality and realize that my ex has some pretty deep seeded, sick issues. And, on top of that he lied and lied and turned the whole thing around on me to try to make me feel like I was the nut, psycho, and all that good stuff. Never once did I get a confession, an apology or any remorse what so ever. He was not man enough or mature enough to do that. His sister was actually the kind and loving one at the end, telling me how much everyone loved me and how devastated his mother was(I asked her not to tell his mother what happened). But I also feel that she did not seem "surprised" when I told her what happened. I think the entire family knows he has issues of some sort. Heck, he's 34 and still lives with his mother. So again,,,,,,please go easy on yourself. I know my ex's issues are probably more severe than many others, but that doesn't matter. AGAIN, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. IT HAS ALL TO DO WITH THEIR MORALS, CHARACTER AND IT'S WHO THEY ARE!!!
That_girl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I'm really sorry that this happened to you. Your ex was a piece of ****, and we'll all cross paths with one of those at some point in our lives. It's just really nice to see that you realize this, and you're not going to let it break you. After a break-up it's hard to wish the best to someone like this. Why should we wish them happiness while we're left with the residual trust issues that they've imposed on us?? Ugh....it's so hard to move on with grace when you think about how badly they've hurt us by cheating, lying, betraying and generally just bullying us into submission. Thank you for this post. I'm going to have to read it a hundred times so it sinks in!
Author DollyGirl12 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Thank you! Yes, re read it as many times as you need. To many times we blame ourselves and wonder what is wrong with us. Honestly, finding the stuff out at the end was almost a blessing in disguise. It made me see, VERY CLEARLY, that this was not something that was a one time thing, a slip, a curiosity, or an email hack/spam. He tried to turn it all around on me, sending me emails telling me that he was insulted that I would think this way of him, how hurt he was, and so on. He continuously tried to convince me that someone hacked/spammed his computer. He truly thought I was stupid. It was just another attempt at manipulation by him. I do think this approach has worked for him many times in the past, however, I don't think any of his previous ex's knew exactly what they were dealing with. I did!!! I'm glad I found those things, as much as it hurt, because it allowed me to see the real him and a complete past history of this kind of behavior. HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I would bet your ex's past gf's would not give him a glowing report!!! I remember when my ex had contacted his previous gf and asked her why she wasted so much of his time (she had left the state unannounced and never told him she was leaving). Her response back to him was "leave me alone and go see a shrink".
nana841121 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 My condolence Also happy for your realization Ignore douchebags and walk away Don't even waste time on arguing with them
Author DollyGirl12 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 My condolence Also happy for your realization Ignore douchebags and walk away Don't even waste time on arguing with them Thank you. And no, arguing or trying to discuss the "problem" does nothing. He's pretty extreme and either doesn't see his problem, or does and wants to make sure noone else does. I hope someone got something positive from this thread, because to many times I see people wondering what is wrong with them, when really it's the other person with the issue, especially in a case like this.
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