Vox85 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I have a question for anyone out there who is a commitment phobe: It's a common occurrence for someone with a fear of commitment to distance themselves from their SO, potential SO, or even friend if they feel someone is getting too close or if strong feelings are developing. My question to you is do you ever distance yourself from someone because you are the one that is developing feelings for the other person and are terrified of a potential commitment, so you sabotage it before it ever gets to that point? Sub-question: Do you ever try and sabotage a relationship in the hopes that the other person will feel resentment toward you, thus ending any chance of a relationship, thus justifying your actions? These are serious questions, I'm not trying to piss anyone off. I'm trying to figure out the reasoning behind some of the actions I see from commitment phobes. I am currently dealing with a situation involving these issues, but I want to hear some of your answers before divulging, since the commitment-phobic woman involved currently isn't speaking to me. I'm just trying to understand.
sigurpol Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 To answer your first question.. mm, no. I mean.. maybe I'm just a tough nut to crack. I normally strive for strong emotions toward someone, and I enjoy developing them. So, in the beginning, that doesn't happen to me (wanting to distance myself). However, 4-6 months down the line, I start to separate myself and downplay my emotions. A lot. I don't know if I purposely do it, or if I simply lose attraction or something. This just happened to me a few weeks ago.. And I thought this was IT, this was the girl.. then I'm finding myself wanting to be left alone, to want to go out with my friends, and when I get free time I spend it being lazy and vegging out. Your sub-question: Yes. I've done that. It sort of ties in with my previous answer. For instance, in one of my longer relationships from my early college years, I purposely became unavailable to my girlfriend. I wouldn't answer calls, I wouldn't be around when she got off work, etc. Eventually, she wanted to talk and told me she couldn't do it anymore. I sometimes hate confronting that ugly talk, so I would rather my SO bring it up.. I guess that way, they can blame me for things and I don't have to admit anything? I don't know, haha. I think it's psychotic sometimes.
GottaGetAway Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I have a question for anyone out there who is a commitment phobe: It's a common occurrence for someone with a fear of commitment to distance themselves from their SO, potential SO, or even friend if they feel someone is getting too close or if strong feelings are developing. My question to you is do you ever distance yourself from someone because you are the one that is developing feelings for the other person and are terrified of a potential commitment, so you sabotage it before it ever gets to that point? Pretty much.
Author Vox85 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Come on, I know there are more than two commitment phobes on these boards.
Flgirl44 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I am a commitment-a-phobe in the sense that I consistently seek out relationships that I know Im not in for the long haul. Then I slowly pick them apart and "find" things I don't like about them. Except many times im not "finding" these qualities out as much as they were already there to begin with. If they weren't there to begin with then usually the person had showed a character flaw or propensity towards said bad qualities that is identifiable earlier on. I do this to protect myself from hurt and actual caring. I think it boils down to self esteem and doing right by yourself. I was selling myself short in these relationships and my self esteem was too low to realize I should be better than that. I shouldn't be wasting precious time and hurting people like that. I'm looking inwards to right it, but it is hard at the moment because I have just been cheated on. So it's kinda hard to say well this is my routine, let me shed all that and fully open myself 100% after whats just happened. That could be a cop-out but im trying
Author Vox85 Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 I am a commitment-a-phobe in the sense that I consistently seek out relationships that I know Im not in for the long haul. Let me ask you this: Have you ever been in a LTR with someone who was also commitment phobic? It seems that people who are afraid of commitment enter into relationships that they know won't last ... but what if you enter one with someone who is entering it for the same reasons you are? It would make sense to me that this type of relationship would actually last longer, even though an end is inevitable.
Flgirl44 Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Let me ask you this: Have you ever been in a LTR with someone who was also commitment phobic? It seems that people who are afraid of commitment enter into relationships that they know won't last ... but what if you enter one with someone who is entering it for the same reasons you are? It would make sense to me that this type of relationship would actually last longer, even though an end is inevitable. Wow it is so funny you bring this up because yes, I did find someone exactly like myself, and the relationship has just ended after 5 years. He also entered relationships with people who had major deal breakers for him. And instead of just leaving and respecting what his needs/requirements are he instead brow beat me(and past gfs) until I felt like crap about myself. I feel ashamed looking back for letting it happen. And I stayed even though he wasn't at all like me and harped on him for not liking any of the things I liked instead of finding someone who was a better fit. We both knew when we met that it was a bad fit and that neither of us should've been entering a relationship at that point but we have the same propensity towards wrong relationships and just went for it. Finding out along the way we were the same caused a lot of fights but also in a weird way we knew each other better. We ended up falling in love but knowing we each pick people wrong for us created this general uneasiness and unstable atmosphere thus setting us on a crazy train.
Surfer Girl Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 My ex was commitment phobia....I truly believed he wanted it to work. We were on and off for quite sometime...He was not capable of having a mature relationship....after a certain period of time...if the endorphins of being in love subsided he could not open himself up enough to have a relationship that required him to open up past the honeymoon stage...perhaps past history, but none the less...once the magic was gone...he was gone.....
ilani Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 yes. i have done this. i was always looking for fun casual relationships because i'm too busy to really be there as a gf for someone else. I also know that if I fall for someone, that someone is going to be important to me and I'd make a lot of decisions based on how i felt towards this person...so i try to not have someone be in that position to have that much power over me. (i realize this sentence seems kinda f***** up, but that's the way it is) anyway, so when the supposed casual relationship start to mean something to me, I'm afraid of above happening as well as me breaking my rules or whatever crazy rules i think i had, I start to run away or start becoming bitchy because really i'm just pissed off I lost to myself. after writing this, i see i have some issues...hopefully i'm not doing the same thing again now.
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