mahana Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Hello, would like your opinion on the behavior of my ex. I broke up with him 4 months ago because he was not so much into me anymore, which he confirmed in saying that he was not sure about us as we were very different and I wanted more from the relationship than him. We remained in contact since then, mostly by email and chat, and friendly with each other but never talked about the break up again. Recently we have been meeting in group of friends together, and things were relatively ok, but his behavior is confusing me. He does not look at me in the eyes, is sometimes very cold with me (like saying he does not remember the date of my birthday), and never suggest that we go out together (the two of us). However, he is also very attentive towards me with our friends, frequently mentions your past together and my friends said that he is looking at me when I don't look at him. His body language is also engaging (he is always turning his body towards me, don't mind when I touch him and often smile at me). When we talk together, we talk as very good friends. What do you think is going on here? And how could I get him back? Many thanks.
sunshinebaby Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 how long were you dating? maybe you should try and stop talking to him for a while... i'm no pro but if he thinks you think you need/want him bad he's not gonna find that attractive
Author mahana Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 We just dated for a few months but I really like him.
Doodled Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) Bahaha, your situation sounds almost to a tee like mine, only im the dumpee and the guy...hmmm lol. The timeline even matches up. Since our situation is so familiar and im on the opposite side ill give you some advice: Quit playing mind games and just have a serious discussion in which you apologize for the break up and get any issues adressed that need to be. Then pop the question about getting back together. I can say this is the only thing my ex could say to get me to consider giving her another chance, and I don't do second chances. Also, our situation is pretty similar to yours. No bad blood, ended after only a few months, still see each other because of mutual friends and flirt quite a lot. At the end of the day this just dosen't cut it for a dumpee though. We are very defensive about asking to get back. Remember you dumpers burned us bad the first time around and your really not worth what little pride we have left(at least thats how it should be). For me it's just something I will never do. If a woman breaks up with me it's her mistake to correct. At the same time i'll flirt the daylights out of her only because it's fun for me So, just approach him about the relationship and getting back together. If you really want to be with him it's your turn to put your neck on the line and possibly get burned. Good luck and remember: Fortes Fortuna Adiuvat! Edited April 10, 2011 by Doodled
Author mahana Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 Bahaha, your situation sounds almost to a tee like mine, only im the dumpee and the guy...hmmm lol. The timeline even matches up. Since our situation is so familiar and im on the opposite side ill give you some advice: Quit playing mind games and just have a serious discussion in which you apologize for the break up and get any issues adressed that need to be. Then pop the question about getting back together. I can say this is the only thing my ex could say to get me to consider giving her another chance, and I don't do second chances. Also, our situation is pretty similar to yours. No bad blood, ended after only a few months, still see each other because of mutual friends and flirt quite a lot. At the end of the day this just dosen't cut it for a dumpee though. We are very defensive about asking to get back. Remember you dumpers burned us bad the first time around and your really not worth what little pride we have left(at least thats how it should be). For me it's just something I will never do. If a woman breaks up with me it's her mistake to correct. At the same time i'll flirt the daylights out of her only because it's fun for me So, just approach him about the relationship and getting back together. If you really want to be with him it's your turn to put your neck on the line and possibly get burned. Good luck and remember: Fortes Fortuna Adiuvat! Hahaha thanks, that is really helpful to have your opinion since you are in a similar situation. But I don't think I am the bad guy here. I dumped him - alright - but he did encourage me to do so. He was not contacting me often, did not offer commitment, and was relatively cold with me (he refused to have sex with me twice). So I felt he was not really into me, and I told him that it seems he does not want me, so why should I be with him? He did not deny it, and so we broke up. We still cared about each other a little, so remained in contact. I am still the one who contacts him more often that he contacts me, but he always accept when I invite him to go out with me. I will try to talk to him next time I see him - we are supposed to see a movie this weekend together - but what shall I say to him now that you understand our story better? Thanks
Doodled Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 hmmm, well first off why exactly do you want to be with him? It sounds like he wasn't that interested in being with you...In which case all I can say is: never try to be with someone who dosen't want to be with you. But, the fact that you dumped him could and probably did change the whole dynamic of the previous relationship. When you dumped him he either didn't care because that's what he wanted or felt the pain of rejection and wants reconciliation. Can you give me some more in depth information on what his behaviour was after the break up? When you broke it off with him was he trying to get back with you for a while or just accepted it and went away?
Author mahana Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 He is not the kind of guy who commits easily and he wasn't that interested in being with me because we were in a long distance relationship (I had to go away for work for 6 months just three months after we met). But now I returned back to our city and so we started seeing each other again through common friends. When I broke up with him, he accepted it and just remained in contact by email with me from time to time. He kept the pictures of me at his place and kept my things, but did not suggest reconciliation. I can tell he is usually happy to see me with friends, and engages with me, but never suggests that we go out together - the both of us. When I invite him, he always comes however. Obviously he is not madly in love with me, and just likes me, but I was hoping that this could change and we could rekindle the relationship. How should I approach him in a non-threatening way and without losing the friendship if he does not want me back? Thanks
Author mahana Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 hmmm, well first off why exactly do you want to be with him? It sounds like he wasn't that interested in being with you...In which case all I can say is: never try to be with someone who dosen't want to be with you. But, the fact that you dumped him could and probably did change the whole dynamic of the previous relationship. When you dumped him he either didn't care because that's what he wanted or felt the pain of rejection and wants reconciliation. Can you give me some more in depth information on what his behaviour was after the break up? When you broke it off with him was he trying to get back with you for a while or just accepted it and went away? He is not the kind of guy who commits easily and he wasn't that interested in being with me because we were in a long distance relationship (I had to go away for work for 6 months just three months after we met). But now I returned back to our city and so we started seeing each other again through common friends. When I broke up with him, he accepted it and just remained in contact by email with me from time to time. He kept the pictures of me at his place and kept my things, but did not suggest reconciliation. I can tell he is usually happy to see me with friends, and engages with me, but never suggests that we go out together - the both of us. When I invite him, he always comes however. Obviously he is not madly in love with me, and just likes me, but I was hoping that this could change and we could rekindle the relationship. How should I approach him in a non-threatening way and without losing the friendship if he does not want me back? I think he is the perfect guy for me. Thanks
Doodled Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I would say when it comes to sacrificing his friendship that you simply can't be friends if you have a romantic interest in him. Its unfair to you to be friends with someone you have feelings for. So, it sounds like based on his actions (hanging out, kept in contact, flirting, ect) that he has genuine interest. If he thinks anything like me, he won't date and pursue you like he would a new woman. This means its up to you. I would forget the friendship thing and bring up the relationship and ask if he would like to take things slow. Talk about the reasons for the break up and decide if those can be reconciled. By taking it slow and discussing the initial reasons you can make sure he is interested in working towards commitment. Another less agressive way to see if he has interest would be to ask him on a date and make it clear that its a date and not just hanging out. Ask him if it would be okay to give him a call sometime for a dinner date(or just ask him to dinner flat out). If he rejects this, then it should be a bit less of a ego hit then just asking him for a relationship and getting turned down would be. It also makes you more hard to get if its just a date and no begging to come back enters the equation. Hope this helps and good luck! P.S. Please let the idea of a friendship go. Your not kidding anyone. You like the guy and being friends is a harmful second best to what you really want.
Author mahana Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 I would say when it comes to sacrificing his friendship that you simply can't be friends if you have a romantic interest in him. Its unfair to you to be friends with someone you have feelings for. So, it sounds like based on his actions (hanging out, kept in contact, flirting, ect) that he has genuine interest. If he thinks anything like me, he won't date and pursue you like he would a new woman. This means its up to you. I would forget the friendship thing and bring up the relationship and ask if he would like to take things slow. Talk about the reasons for the break up and decide if those can be reconciled. By taking it slow and discussing the initial reasons you can make sure he is interested in working towards commitment. Another less agressive way to see if he has interest would be to ask him on a date and make it clear that its a date and not just hanging out. Ask him if it would be okay to give him a call sometime for a dinner date(or just ask him to dinner flat out). If he rejects this, then it should be a bit less of a ego hit then just asking him for a relationship and getting turned down would be. It also makes you more hard to get if its just a date and no begging to come back enters the equation. Hope this helps and good luck! P.S. Please let the idea of a friendship go. Your not kidding anyone. You like the guy and being friends is a harmful second best to what you really want. Thank you so much. That is really good advice and really helpful. I will do as you suggest and let you know how it goes... Thanks again
Eddie Edirol Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I think if he really wanted to try again with you, he would have initiated already. But it wont hurt to suggest a date and see what he says.
Author mahana Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 I think if he really wanted to try again with you, he would have initiated already. But it wont hurt to suggest a date and see what he says. You are probably right, but I like him a lot, so would like to try again. I just need to think on how to present it to him...
Doodled Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I think if he really wanted to try again with you, he would have initiated already. But it wont hurt to suggest a date and see what he says. I'm not so sure about this Eddie. I know we hear about tons of guys on this website begging to go back with the one that dumped them but I and many other self respecting people would never beg or even initiate romantic contact with a dumper, no matter the reason. My attitude is that it's their mistake and their loss. No offense Mahana . I beleive it's the dumpers role to reinitiate and take the risk. Now, he may not have this same attitude but I know for myself and many others they hold true to this. Anywho, yeah let us know what happens Mahana. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
Doodled Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 BTW, on the whole presentation thing. You would know far better then I would considering I don't know anything about you or your ex but starting with a simple "sorry, I made a mistake" can go a long way if he has any negative feelings about the fact you dumped him. This shows that you respect him and are not just pulling him in to push him away again. It's really something all dumpers need to do when trying to reconcile.
Author mahana Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 BTW, on the whole presentation thing. You would know far better then I would considering I don't know anything about you or your ex but starting with a simple "sorry, I made a mistake" can go a long way if he has any negative feelings about the fact you dumped him. This shows that you respect him and are not just pulling him in to push him away again. It's really something all dumpers need to do when trying to reconcile. I would find it strange that he has negative feelings, but it is possible and could explain a few things. Men and women seem to think differently That's a good point, thanks!
Author mahana Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Ok so I asked him on a date and he suggested that we stay friends. At least I know where I stand... Thank you for your advice anyway.
Doodled Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 Ok so I asked him on a date and he suggested that we stay friends. At least I know where I stand... Thank you for your advice anyway. Sorry to hear that but yeah, making it clear to any person (ex or otherwise) that you interested romantically, ie the date, can save you a lot of time money and effort. It should tell you immediately whether they are interested in that type of relationship, at least interested in seeing if it can become something. Also, I would suggest not being friends with this guy whatsoever. Its too painful for you. I would drop him like a hot rock. Start dating again and not to prove anything to him. Just for your own sake. Forget him. If you see him in public or with other friends, ignore him. If he says "hey" say "hey" back. Keep communication to a minimum and let him initiate. Other then that just consider him part of the past. The more you can do that the faster he will fade into the actual past. I don't know how heed over hills you are for him but trust me and everyone else who goes through a breakup: all things pass with time. Good luck, glad I could help. At least it gave you some stone cold clarity so you wouldn't be waiting around wondering what he was thinking. Peace.
Author mahana Posted April 14, 2011 Author Posted April 14, 2011 Thank you Doodled. I considered staying friends with him but you are right that it would be too painful and not helping me to move on. I am still in love with him so it is not a good idea. I won't contact him again and start dating others. I waited long enough... Thank you again for your help.
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