Anna86 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I have posted here many times, I got many responses from u guys, really good advice!! So, I have decided NC with ex of 2 years, broke up 3months ago... Yesterday, my friend, who happens to be girlfriend of my exes best mate asked to meet up for lunch. I like this girl so said yes. Anyway, she started to tell me all this stuff about my ex. She told me he was seen dancing with some girl while we were still together, he was dancing for hours with her when I was at home one night. In front of all our friends. Nobody told me. She said she wanted to tell me but her boyfriend said not too. Anyway, fast forward a few months after we break up and he is seen with this girl. She shows up at all the places he is (looks like they text a lot)...What hurts me the most, is that all my friends, including my best friend knew this and nobody ever told me!! My best friend who I went to looking for advice decided not to tell me about this girl. My friend yesterday told me they spoke about what to do and they decided to keep quiet. No point in hurting me she said. After we broke up, ex kept calling me asking to be friends. Of course, I was none the wiser about this girl. We slept together a few times. My best friend knew I was sleeping with him and still loved him. Just last week I met him over lunch to say we can't do this anymore. I told him we can't sleep together or contact each other as I need space. My friend who I met yesterday told me that hes been telling everyone he wants me to back off, that he doesn't want any women in his life right now. Well on Saturday he called me many times, texted me, emailed me asking to meet up. But yet he was telling people he didn't want to meet me...Confusing, right. I feel so betrayed, not only by him, but by my 'friends'. I understand my friend telling me this now, but why not three months ago? Why tell me now after I slept with him? I texted him and told him I know he was seeing that girl yesterday. He never wb. I just want an apology from him? I feel so upset that my friends knew, and nobody told me. He lied to me. Last week he said there were no women in his life and that this girl is stalking him. I don't know. I just feel hurt and upset. I was doing so well away from him. Now I feel hurt again. Any advice? I have learned a valuable lesson, you can't really trust people. I guess its not a lesson I wanted to learn. Thank God I have many true friends who are not in this social circle who would have told me.
Fufu Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) Anna, why are you still finding out what he is doing/thinking/feeling? Where's your NC? If anyone of your friends are talking about your ex, just politely tell them not to as you are still in the journey of healing. You don't have to sit through to listen to everything. ========================================================= Just last week I met him over lunch to say we can't do this anymore. I told him we can't sleep together or contact each other as I need space. My friend who I met yesterday told me that hes been telling everyone he wants me to back off, that he doesn't want any women in his life right now. Well on Saturday he called me many times, texted me, emailed me asking to meet up. But yet he was telling people he didn't want to meet me...Confusing, right. I really do hope this is the FINAL time you are meeting him and I'm happy you are making big steps to start moving on. Your ex is a JERK, you need to move away from him. A guy who doesn't want to be committed to you and only being with you for LUST, seriously you wouldn't want this man to be the father of your children. And also, you don't tell him you can't contact him because you need space, basically YOU DON"T WANT HIM ANYMORE. It is not confusing, he just wants you for SEX, period. (my serious view in this) ========================================================= I feel so betrayed, not only by him, but by my 'friends'. I understand my friend telling me this now, but why not three months ago? Why tell me now after I slept with him? Be glad you know this earlier than later if you still continue sleeping with him. ========================================================= I texted him and told him I know he was seeing that girl yesterday. He never wb. I just want an apology from him? Anna, Please WAKE UP. Why would you want an apology from this kind of person? What's the purpose for? Do you think you will really feel better if he says, "Sweet I'm so sorry to hurt you, I didn't mean it." And what happened next, you probably will go soft-hearted again. He hurt you deeply, so be it. You don't have to hurt yourself over and over and over again. AND, by texting him, you are breaking NC again. DON"T DO IT, cease all contacts with him. ========================================================= I feel so upset that my friends knew, and nobody told me. He lied to me. Last week he said there were no women in his life and that this girl is stalking him. This is his problem and his business, none of your business and a matter to you anymore. Who cares if he's dating or sleeping with another woman or women. SO BE IT. You should be glad you are out of this extremely toxic relationship. ========================================================= I don't know. I just feel hurt and upset. I was doing so well away from him. Now I feel hurt again. Any advice? I have learned a valuable lesson, you can't really trust people. I guess its not a lesson I wanted to learn. Thank God I have many true friends who are not in this social circle who would have told me. Yes, you were doing well without him but you went to meet and text him and you came back feeling hurt and upset again. Why and what for? Just stick to NC all the way and don't look back. Unless, you enjoy hurting yourself again and again, then you can continue doing what you are doing. If you do want to move on and be happy for yourself and rediscover yourself of how you can be independent and strong (You are a strong lady), MOVE ON and DON'T LOOK BACKWARD. You don't need a friend to tell you the truth, you need to be the ONE to tell yourself you need to move forward. If it's so hard to stick on to NC and move on, start a reward system for yourself, every 7 days you don't contact him, respond to his breadcrumbs (messages/texts/calls/emails) and you don't find out about what he's doing, treat yourself to a good food, buy clothes, shoes for yourself, go out with friends for a movie, or go partying. You deserve being happy, so don't make yourself feeling upset anymore. Edited April 10, 2011 by Fufu
Rose T Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Anna, sorry you had to find this out. I know you've been struggling with NC / LC with your ex and he's been reeling you back in. I know a number of people on LS have advised you to stay away from him and concentrate on your healing. Maybe now you're ready to take that advice. It all takes time for us to get to that point, I'm sorry you had to find out that your friends were acting in an equivocal way towards you in the meantime, but now let's focus on you. It's never too late to hold your head up and say, it's time to move on. Now I understand why this relationship is in the past. This man will never be your lover again, he'll never be your boyfriend again. This is the most important issue here. It's time for you to vanish, it will feel counter-intuitive, but you'll be more conspicuous by your absence. Walk away and start making him respect you - but as the last time that you care about what he thinks. As for your friends, work out who deserves the benefit of the doubt, who you can live without, who really cares for you. I don't want to make a judgment call, but your ex and some of your friendship group seem a bit selfish and superficial, so you might want to think about how you choose the people you spend time with, and what you value in your personal relationships. Good luck Anna and I know that this is really going to help you turn the corner.
Author Anna86 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 Thank you Rose and Fufu for your kind words and advice!! Just had a mini update....Told my ex what she said. He told me she is a liar. He told me I can't trust her and that she is making up stuff. It turned messy as her boyfriend got involved and told my ex not to say things about her. Anyway, I decided to trust my ex as he is great at fooling me with his 'rational' words..... Haha..Well,, I pressed more and basically told him to get clean and admit he met this woman while with me. Still, lies! Then finally I told him that people will think he is an ******* if he still lies to me and calls my friend a liar...At that point he 'remembered' he met her while with me. He thought I was talking about someone else. To think he was happy for me fall out with my friend if it meant protecting him and his reputation. I feel he is so wrapped up in his lies he really doesn't think he done anything wrong. This is what I needed month ago. I needed evidence and a good friend to tell me how it is. If he told me the truth months ago I would have realized his true colors and would not have met up with him and remained friends. Now, I can go NC as I really don't like how he treats people. I was thinking with my heart and believed all his lies. Now, I know I was right and that I can trust my instincts. He always made out I was paranoid. I wasn't..... Wow, it feels finally over..... I hope that he keeps his distance and leaves me well alone.
geegirl Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I hope that he keeps his distance and leaves me well alone. Even if he does not keep his distance and does not leave you alone, you need to be in control and keep him out of your life. I know you needed the truth but sometimes you can't expect the truth from people who don't behave with integrity and honesty. You're placing high expectations on someone who can't deliver. You're expecting honesty from someone who lies. And he's not going to want to paint himself as a bad guy when he can clearly lie his way through and portray himself to be the good guy. If you have to go through all this trouble to get the truth, your energy is better spent on yourself. Get started on NC and don't let him back in again.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Even if he does not keep his distance and does not leave you alone, you need to be in control and keep him out of your life. I know you needed the truth but sometimes you can't expect the truth from people who don't behave with integrity and honesty. You're placing high expectations on someone who can't deliver. You're expecting honesty from someone who lies. And he's not going to want to paint himself as a bad guy when he can clearly lie his way through and portray himself to be the good guy. If you have to go through all this trouble to get the truth, your energy is better spent on yourself. Get started on NC and don't let him back in again. PERFECT!!! Someone who lies, will lie to cover a lie,,,deny, deny, deny! And he will lie again. Love is not always having to question whether the person you are with is being truthful with you. You will always be wondering!
Author Anna86 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 Hi Geegirl...U hit the nail on the head!! It's strange, I realized right now after reading your comment that I place such high expectations on a man who can't deliver. The reason I am doing this is because he WAS the perfect bf. He always took care of me and literally helped me with anything I needed. I trusted him with my life, seriously. If I needed him, he dropped everything to help me. He gave up so much in his life for me (I can see thats why we pretty much broke up).....So I find it hard to accept the man I trusted more than anyone would do this. It makes you question your own judgement and question how naive you really are. I guess I knew deep down but its hard to accept you were wrong. He is a liar. I had issues with his lies during relationship. He lied to people to save face and so he came across looking good. He lied to his parents all the time (he was 26 years old). I had a problem with this but never thought he would lie to me..... In my opinion, dancing with girls at nightclubs, joining a dating site AND texting/emailing other women while in a relationship with me is wrong. I don't think he slept with anyone while with me, but I know he crept around other women. I have evidence!! He has become so egotistical and self obsessed. Just before we broke up I noticed a change in attitudes. It was hard to accept this. Anyway, I am happy now. I have NO desire to be around a man like that. Its nice knowing that even if he does call, I know what he really is.... Thanks for all your input........
Author Anna86 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Posted April 11, 2011 Btw, he is not with this girl now. My mutual friends told me that he texted her and told her he wasn't around and that he wanted her to leave him alone. The same day he was calling/texting me to meet up. My friend told me he was never interested in her, just wanted the attention. However, it is ironic that he called it off with her as soon as we became closer. He wanted to have a sexual relationship with me but ''couldn't commit' haha .....I went along with it as I was stupid and in love and wanted to be close. I didn't see that he was using me. He has a way with words and I idolized the guy. I called all this off the day after he texted her so maybe he will go crawling back. He does need a girl to use now that I am gone..... I am excited to use NC...I just want my life back!!!!
geegirl Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 (edited) Your story rings similar to what I went through with my ex. In the beginning I thought him too good to be true. He literally kissed the ground I walked on. Past the 6 month mark, I had gut instincts that there was something not quite right. I soon found out he was cheating all through the relationship with a co-worker, with old girfriends and with a woman from the gym. Heavy into pornography and not the mild kind but the sick kind. Picked up women from bars and took them home all under my nose as I lived just down the street from him. But when he was with me, he portrayed to be the ideal bf. When all hell broke loose, he lied and lied. Even after catching him having sex in a woman's car in his driveway, he still denied and said, "It's not what you think it is." Deny till the bitter end. Even after we broke up, he still just wanted to be f*** buddies with him since we were broken up. I said no. They play a part in the beginning. Putting their best face forward. Who would love them if they showed their true selves? No one. But they can only play the part for so long, because it's effort. And they can't put up a facade forever. The guy that has lied to you and betrayed you is who he really is. Edited April 11, 2011 by geegirl
Author Anna86 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 Geegirl, I am sorry to hear you had such a rough time. That must have been hard for you. I am glad you found all this out, can you imagine if we were both in relationships like this? You must feel relief that you don't have to deal with this any longer. It really sounds like your ex has psychological problems? Normal people really don't behave like that. When you really love someone, you don't take advice from others. You really want to believe the one you love. I think that is the reason why so many people have a hard time getting over exes who are really not worthy of our time. I just feel like the whole relationship was a lie. Well, at least towards the end! I am sure you can relate to these feelings geegirl. Nobody, in all my life has been able to lie to me and trick me so well. Well, nobody that I know of. What my friends and family can't understand is that we are broken up 3 months now and he still continues to lie to me! He wouldn't tell me the truth even though some mutual friends knew what was going on. I wish I could learn something from all this? Apart from the fact I can't trust men again..
Fufu Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Anna86: You will always learn something from a broken relationship What I learnt from mine was that tall tell signs are important and cannot take them for granted. Start NC, don't bother what that guy is doing anymore. I still believe there are lots of men out there that can be trusted, don't close your heart just because of this guy is a big liar.
geegirl Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Thank you Anna. It was a really hard time for me. The betrayal is what is hardest to overcome. Not so much the break up, but the lies and the betrayal. It cuts so deep. I do believe he has psychological issues. Malignant narcissism comes to mind. There are times when I feel empathy for him in having to live his life that way. Yes, normal people don't pathologically lie like that. Their sense of entitlement is off the charts so they do whatever they want without ever thinking of the other person or thinking about the consequences. Like you Anna, no one has ever lied to me like that before. It's almost as if I was involved in the mother of all destructive relationships. I know how you feel. There are days you still cannot fathom that it happened to you. But it did. And as painful as it is, it serves as a lesson. The lesson to learn from this is to always trust your instincts. When you see that little red flag, don't look away. When you hear something that sounds a little odd, pay attention. Watch their actions instead of their words. Tread carefully. Don't rush, take your time. Get to know the person first before you get swept away. I know it's hard to trust men now. I can't trust anyone right now. That's because you're still reeling from the lies and betrayal. But just like those pains from a break up heal, your pains from that betrayal will also heal. But this time you will come out stronger because you are now more well equipped and in tuned with your instincts. You will know what to look out for. You will know what to avoid. You will know how to trust again. Do some soul searching. Dig deep and figure out what it is that attracted you to this guy. Ask yourself if you saw the signs and ignored them and if you did, what about you and why did you feel the need to cast it aside. I've learnt that when you get emotionally and mentally beaten up in these types of relationships, your self-esteem takes a huge beating too. Take time off for yourself. Introspect. Nurture yourself and build YOU again. It's going to take time. But when you get there, you'll have all the tools you need to better guard and protect yourself from the possibility of entering into another toxic situation again.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Thank you Anna. It was a really hard time for me. The betrayal is what is hardest to overcome. Not so much the break up, but the lies and the betrayal. It cuts so deep. I do believe he has psychological issues. Malignant narcissism comes to mind. There are times when I feel empathy for him in having to live his life that way. Yes, normal people don't pathologically lie like that. Their sense of entitlement is off the charts so they do whatever they want without ever thinking of the other person or thinking about the consequences. Like you Anna, no one has ever lied to me like that before. It's almost as if I was involved in the mother of all destructive relationships. I know how you feel. There are days you still cannot fathom that it happened to you. But it did. And as painful as it is, it serves as a lesson. The lesson to learn from this is to always trust your instincts. When you see that little red flag, don't look away. When you hear something that sounds a little odd, pay attention. Watch their actions instead of their words. Tread carefully. Don't rush, take your time. Get to know the person first before you get swept away. I know it's hard to trust men now. I can't trust anyone right now. That's because you're still reeling from the lies and betrayal. But just like those pains from a break up heal, your pains from that betrayal will also heal. But this time you will come out stronger because you are now more well equipped and in tuned with your instincts. You will know what to look out for. You will know what to avoid. You will know how to trust again. Do some soul searching. Dig deep and figure out what it is that attracted you to this guy. Ask yourself if you saw the signs and ignored them and if you did, what about you and why did you feel the need to cast it aside. I've learnt that when you get emotionally and mentally beaten up in these types of relationships, your self-esteem takes a huge beating too. Take time off for yourself. Introspect. Nurture yourself and build YOU again. It's going to take time. But when you get there, you'll have all the tools you need to better guard and protect yourself from the possibility of entering into another toxic situation again. I can completely relate to the things you posted. If you read a post I wrote over the weekend it would almost seem as if we were dating the same guy. The porn, not the norm,,sick porn. The lies, all the time. I recall my ex telling his brother that he made X amount of dollars one week in the market. Well, I was sitting next to him all week and he was actually down. Then he told someone in our stock group that he was going on vacation on a boat for the 4th of July. He wasn't on any boat. He went to his brothers for a short time and then was home. Always had to make himself out to be the big important guy that was raking in the $'s. And I know the lies he told me. Even when caught he would make up some excuse, no big deal, it was nothing, very good with his words. Mine has a disability due to his major back issues. Who would have thought someone in so much pain all the time would have been crawling Craigslist and looking up escort services, while all along always wanting me with him, always hugging me and telling me how much he loved me. He is sick, sick in the head. Yes, my ex is very narcissistic and yours sounds exactly the same way. When I first started coming on here I could only read the posts, didn't write any. I almost found it humiliating. They are pro's at thinking on their feet. If I told those kind of lies and got caught, i'd be stumbling around my words. Not these kind of guys!
DollyGirl12 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 And another part of what you wrote. Mine was the one who was always searching for someone he could relate to. I was the one he had felt the most comfortable with. He had never had that with anyone else before, so he said. He is 34 and still lives with his mother. He has a very odd relationship with her where at one moment he's hugging her and is mommys boy, and the next he's yelling at her for something ridiculous. But we had established a friendship before we actually began dating and I truly believed that all he wanted was to find someone good, honest, with morals, that he could share a future with. He had ton's of female friends in his phone and claimed he didn't relate well with men!! Didn't like the way most men treated women!! LOL....Boy he was a sneaky creep!
geegirl Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Mine said the same thing about me being the only one he could relate to. I can only imagine how many women he said that to. I hardly believe I was "special". I believe the only reason he stayed the longest with me was because I allowed it. He hates his mother to the point of wishing her dead but will be the dutiful son and answer the phone when she calls. If you read about narcissism, the relationship with child and mother is what is said to cause the emergence of narcissism. We started as friends too. He had to put up a facade. Without it, he will never be able to attract a partner with his destructive traits. He said all the right things. Behaved the right way. And boy did I fall hook line and sinker! Now that I see who he really is, it's hard to wrap my head around who he was and who he is now. It's almost as if I am trying to combine two different people into one body. Sorry to t/j Anna!
DollyGirl12 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Well, I have my degree is human services and my focus was on psychology and the Personality Disorders. Maybe I would have stayed with him longer had I not been keen to many of the signs. But, I can tell you, from all I have read and heard, even some of the best psychiatrists are fooled by narcissists and sociopaths. It can take a very long time in therapy for one to be able to make that diagnosis. And,,,,these PD's rarely seek out any help, because they honestly don't feel anything is wrong with them. When they do, when something tragic happens in their life, they will never be forthcoming about what they have done to cause the problems in their life. There is a great site that I use to read all the time with regard to narcissists. I never signed up for an account, or posted, but I read and read and read and saw so many of the same traits. Honestly, in our culture, they are becoming more and more common. http://www.lisaescott.com/welcome My ex would talk about how abused he was when he was a child. I also think he was picked on alot in school while he was growing up. He said that his aunt was going to try to take him away from his parents. He talked about how abusive his father was. He also told me about a time that when he was little and was at the park, some little girl was picking on him. His mother told him to go over and hit her. She also told him that if he didn't go over and hit the little girl that he was going to get it when he got home. I saw both sides of his mom (his father is deceased). I saw a woman who doted over and constantly worried about him. But then one day we were out having lunch with his mother. He ordered a wonderful prime rib sandwich. I wanted to grab it off the plate and take a bite, as it looked so yummy. His mother took the dish, sniffed it (they always sniffed their food before eating,,,,I don't know anyone who does that), and told him it was bad and to send it back. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the sandwich. The waiter told them that they cook the prime ribs fresh daily. So, he sat there and I could tell he wanted to eat it, but he kept thinking and she kept telling him not to eat it and to send it back. So, he did because he didn't want to make her angry. Just all to strange for me.
geegirl Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Mine feels the same way too. Doesn't feel anything is wrong with him and that everyone else is flawed. He does hint that he has issues in his head but long enough to quickly turn it and say everything is ok. Self-awareness is non-existent. Ex mentioned his mother left him and his brothers when he was little. Cheated on their father. Was abusive to them. He was a bully in school but at some point went on to achieve success in his education and now is very established and successful. He is a somatic narc. As he once told me after we broke up, his life if gym, work, friends and girls. He is 37, never was able to go further than 6 months in every R. I was the longest 2 years. Says he will always want to be single and never commit to any woman. Sad but true. I've done some reading on a site called http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality. It's eye opening to hear narcs speak about themselves and what they go through. Most of them are self aware and trying to change but there are some who are malignant and tell it like it is. Interesting to read. Especially their inability to feel emotions. It's been informative. And I'm slowly connecting the dots to all the things my ex said and did that I could never understand. It's sad but that's the life they choose to live.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Great site, thanks, am poking around on it now!
geegirl Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Great! Hope it helps you find some closure and acceptance.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 Thanks!! Actually, I have pretty much found closure as well as acceptance. I guess that's why I waited to sign up for an account and start posting here. I can tell my story without feeling overly emotional, as well as hopefully be able to help others see that there is life, as well as happiness, beyond all of this.
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