spice4life Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) Hello everyone! I just wanted to share my most recent epiphany. I lost my mother in August of last year and have been going through lots of turmoil with my father due to his inability to allow himself to grieve. Oy! It has been a rough road with him for me and my siblings. Anyway, after many many arguments we finally made amends last Sunday and it has made me realize a lot about how my parents marriage, which was not always the greatest at times, made me prone to triangulated relationships. Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming them at all, it just made me "see" why I ended up in some of the situations that I did. Here is the rub, I am the youngest and they had a hard time letting me go because it meant that they would be left to face one another and deal with the issues in their marriage. "I" became their distraction so they wouldn't have to focus on their own problems, which created a triangulated relationship between me and my parents. Here's the epiphany, I have constantly ended up in triangulated situations in all areas...with friends you name it. I just thought I would toss that out there. I thought this particular epiphany fit well in this forum because when you are involved in an affair, you ARE in a triangulated relationship. Maybe it will help if you ask yourself, "what was the cause?" Another thing happened as well...since my father and I had these recent blow ups, it has broken that dynamic and now we are beginning to heal our relationship in a healthy way. Who would have thought? I think these kind of blow ups are necessary because they help break unhealthy dynamics in a relationship. Conflict can bring about growth and healing in relationships with the ones you love as long as you tell them how their actions made you feel. I see so clearly now why expressing your feelings is so important...it helps promote healthy communication so the relationship can evolve. I even accepted his invitation to have dinner with him and his new girlfriend at her place this past Thursday...something I have been avoiding since they started dating. It turned out to be a really nice evening. My daughter came too. Edited April 10, 2011 by spice4life 1
dreamingoftigers Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Ah yes triangulation and the good old Victim Cycle were mainstays in my home. Can't deal one on one? Involve another person to complicate things! It is a very hard habit to break, I wish you luck OP. 1
Author spice4life Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Ah yes triangulation and the good old Victim Cycle were mainstays in my home. Can't deal one on one? Involve another person to complicate things! It is a very hard habit to break, I wish you luck OP. Thank you dreaming...lol. It has taken me a life time to break this one!
Heart On Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) I found this to reiterate your point as it's a valid one to say the least. We all have a certain amount of left over childhood issues,but we can over come them as long as we seek help and work out our issues! And the best part is,change is possible as long as you understand the core issues that lead you to these self destructive attempts at healing our inner child.Until you heal,the patterns will simply continue to haunt you. http://www.lovecoachblog.com/lovetrianglesurvival/ At a deeper level affairs are about competition and inequality which is picked up when we are very young. Add that to having unresolved abandonment issues, http://www.abandonment.net/abando.frame.html If you are a hard-core abandoholic, you’re drawn to a kind of love that is highly combustible. The hottest sex is when you’re trying to seduce a hard-to-get lover. Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac. These intoxicated states are produced when you sense emotional danger – the danger of your lover’s propensity to abandon you the minute you get attached. wherein you are conditioned to being attracted to emotionally and/or physically unavailable people and viola! You find yourself here posting ! lol It's all about Chemistry and unhealthy Psychology and really has nothing to do with love,more about love addiction,betrayal bonding,codependency and triangulations. So yeah...I know all about it and spend my life now that I am aware of my propensity to gravitate towards "3-somes" to do myself a huge favor and If you’re an abandoholic, following your gut is probably what got you into these patterns in the first place. Your gut gets you to pursue someone who makes your heart go pitter pat, not because he’s the right one, but because he arouses fear of abandonment. And your gut gets you to avoid someone who is truly trustworthy, because he doesn’t press the right insecurity buttons. Enrich your mind. Follow your wisdom. But until you overcome your abandonment compulsion, don’t follow your gut – it will only get you into trouble – because your gut tells you that unavailable people are attractive. NOT FOLLOW MY GUT! Or at the very least do exactlythe opposite that it tells me to do. So far, so good! I have been in the most functional relationship of my adult life,for the past 2 years with a man who actually WANTS to be with me,who is emotionally available,who doesn't have a single Narcissistic trait to his name,and whom I don't SHARE with someone else! WHOO! Here's to healing and spending ALOT of money on therapy! lol Edited April 10, 2011 by Heart On
Author spice4life Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Great post heart on! I totally agree. These issues can definitely be overcome once a person is ready and willing to do the work. You are living proof!
Spark1111 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 How we percieve to be loved in childhood, with our primary relationships, yep, mommy and daddy, is how we percieve love in adulthood. If we were abandoned emotionally or physically, neglected or abused, lived with uncertainty or chaos, that is exactly what love FEELS like to us in adulthood! Only when we have made many poor choices in partners, and have completed a lot of introspection and therapy to understand why whe keep flying towards the flame, can we hope to change our behaviors and our choices. Spice, think on this: Your parents used you as the glue to keep them together. From the eyes of a child, this must have been very empowering, and reassuring! As long as you played this role in the triangulation, you could keep your world safe and the same. If you have replayed this dynamic in adulthood, well, it is empowering to save or someone again. It could feel both empowering and give you a false sense of safety again....just like childhood. 1
JadedAmore Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I do think unfortunately that a lot of children will carry what they've seen from their parents relationships over into adulthood and accept what they see as normal. I seem to have fallen victim to that. My father was unfaithful to my mother many times, and I saw her hurt as I grew up. I remember swearing that would not be me when I was older, but then I ended up marrying a womanizer who treated me with little respect and would stay out all night with his women, leaving me home with the children. I'm glad I was able to walk away from that M, but I worry that I didn't walk soon enough. I just hope my kids don't find what I went through as acceptable. 1
pureinheart Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 ((((((((((S4L)))))))))) What a wonderful OP...I am sooo glad things are getting worked out in your family:)...and want to say I am so sorry about your mom. How are you doing with that? I really hope your ok. As for me Spice, I don't seem to follow any type of a pattern where love is concerned...I just wanted to respond concerning your mom.
Heart On Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 (edited) I do think unfortunately that a lot of children will carry what they've seen from their parents relationships over into adulthood and accept what they see as normal. I seem to have fallen victim to that. My father was unfaithful to my mother many times, and I saw her hurt as I grew up. I remember swearing that would not be me when I was older, but then I ended up marrying a womanizer who treated me with little respect and would stay out all night with his women, leaving me home with the children. I'm glad I was able to walk away from that M, but I worry that I didn't walk soon enough. I just hope my kids don't find what I went through as acceptable. He sounds like a run of the mill "abandoner" with his own issues that stemmed from his childhood.We all have baggage that effects others. Breaking cycles isn't easy,especially if you don't know you are caught up in one! AT least it's possible to realize that what people do to us and what we do to them isn't actually personal.It's patterned. We do the best we can considering our limitations and the thinking that staying for the 'sake of the kids' is our only option because we dont' want them to grow up in a broken home.Ironically,that is why most of us don't leave soon enough! I finally left for the sake of the kids! I stayed "too long" with an alcoholic, verbal abuser and I know it effected my kids.But at least I finally left, as did you. Ultimately,we are all personally responsible for our own healing,and healthy relationships,even if it was 'caused" by contioned responses to our FOO(family of origin).If we don't, we get stuck in a victim mentality and that's not an any better way to influence our kids lives. Self forgiveness goes a long way. Edited April 11, 2011 by Heart On spelling 1
Author spice4life Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 (edited) How we percieve to be loved in childhood, with our primary relationships, yep, mommy and daddy, is how we percieve love in adulthood. If we were abandoned emotionally or physically, neglected or abused, lived with uncertainty or chaos, that is exactly what love FEELS like to us in adulthood! Only when we have made many poor choices in partners, and have completed a lot of introspection and therapy to understand why whe keep flying towards the flame, can we hope to change our behaviors and our choices. spice, think on this: Your parents used you as the glue to keep them together. From the eyes of a child, this must have been very empowering, and reassuring! As long as you played this role in the triangulation, you could keep your world safe and the same. s If you have replayed this dynamic in adulthood, well, it is empowering to save or someone again. It could feel both empowering and give you a false sense of safety again....just like childhood. First, thank you everyone for your very thought provoking responses. Spark111, you hit the nail on head saying what I have bolded above. Thank you! So true! That is exactly how I have been living my life and now that I see it I can make the appropriate changes. I was discussing this whole triangulation thing with my therapist and came to the conclusion that this dynamic made me more tolerant of it than normal. I wonder if that contributed to the confusion and indecision in my case? People respect you more when they know your boundaries. Anyway, I had a great session with my T. It's amazing how quick you start moving once you see this stuff. I was going on about this and that and my therapist interceded and said, "spice, you are ready for a relationship." :love: It felt so great to hear that. I was like...wow...really? She said absolutely! The moral of the story is, whenever you find yourself confused, hurt and you're not sure which end is up, look inside because it means there is work to do. Someone told me recently that out of the darkness comes tremendous growth. That person was sooo right! Edited April 12, 2011 by spice4life 1
Author spice4life Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 ((((((((((S4L)))))))))) What a wonderful OP...I am sooo glad things are getting worked out in your family:)...and want to say I am so sorry about your mom. How are you doing with that? I really hope your ok. As for me Spice, I don't seem to follow any type of a pattern where love is concerned...I just wanted to respond concerning your mom. Aww...thanks for the condolences pure! (((Hugs))) Much appreciated. It has been a tough road because it all happened so fast, but I'm doing okay. I miss her terribly and entered into a profound sadness a month ago and have been crying A LOT about her loss and another situation. But, you know what? It's completely fine because I am allowing myself to feel it, which in the past, was NOT easy for me. Years ago I probably would have just ended up depressed, but not now. The sadness i'm feeling now feels normal and all part of the process. I won't get stuck...that's for sure. Thanks again!
Author spice4life Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 He sounds like a run of the mill "abandoner" with his own issues that stemmed from his childhood.We all have baggage that effects others. Breaking cycles isn't easy,especially if you don't know you are caught up in one! AT least it's possible to realize that what people do to us and what we do to them isn't actually personal.It's patterned. We do the best we can considering our limitations and the thinking that staying for the 'sake of the kids' is our only option because we dont' want them to grow up in a broken home.Ironically,that is why most of us don't leave soon enough! I finally left for the sake of the kids! I stayed "too long" with an alcoholic, verbal abuser and I know it effected my kids.But at least I finally left, as did you. Ultimately,we are all personally responsible for our own healing,and healthy relationships,even if it was 'caused" by contioned responses to our FOO(family of origin).If we don't, we get stuck in a victim mentality and that's not an any better way to influence our kids lives.[b/] Self forgiveness goes a long way. Hearton, I totally agree with the bolded parts above. The trick is, once you realize what is motivating you internally, then it's time to take responsibility for your actions and make sure they do not interfer in your relationship again. It helps you to accept what you have done wrong and work on mending the damage it has caused. And that in itself can really help make a good relationship turn into a great one! 1
Author spice4life Posted April 12, 2011 Author Posted April 12, 2011 I do think unfortunately that a lot of children will carry what they've seen from their parents relationships over into adulthood and accept what they see as normal. I seem to have fallen victim to that. My father was unfaithful to my mother many times, and I saw her hurt as I grew up. I remember swearing that would not be me when I was older, but then I ended up marrying a womanizer who treated me with little respect and would stay out all night with his women, leaving me home with the children. I'm glad I was able to walk away from that M, but I worry that I didn't walk soon enough. I just hope my kids don't find what I went through as acceptable. It's never too late to walk away. As long as you show them that this can be healed and everyone can end up happy, you've done a great job! Life has a ton of hurdles and tough times and part of being a parent is showing your kids that they can overcome them and be happy. That is great lesson to learn, so don't beat yourself up over timing. It's how you help them navigate through it that counts.
betterdeal Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 Good old, triangles. I know them well. I was the surrogate male authority figure and my mother's best friend in our house throughout my teens after my father gambled us into poverty and tried killing himself. My development was duly arrested by this, having skipped the whole adolescent thing and gone straight to being a dad. No wonder I have a string of relationships with friends' girlfriends and my own girlfriends all have had serious daddy issues (dead, missing, or abusive). And that in itself creates a frustrating situation. When someone you're involved with sees you as a fill-in for that unfinished business, it's impossible to connect in a healthy way. Happily though, I've chosen to extract myself from the myriad triangles that I was involved with. I get on a lot better with my parents now, having confronted this issue with them. I am not in an abusive relationship any more, not a prospective cuckold for anyone (there were a couple of women in my life with whom I was involved with in this way), and not involved in a complicated soap-opera-esque jumble of power games that triangles often seem to be. I've seen a potential triangulation attempt in my present life involving my therapist and my massage therapist of all people and kept away from it quite well. I've also become much better friends with an ex cum former best friend by not being involved in triangles with them and their current relationship. Best of all, I'm not worried about triangles any more because I am not part of them any more. 1
Spark1111 Posted April 12, 2011 Posted April 12, 2011 First, thank you everyone for your very thought provoking responses. Spark111, you hit the nail on head saying what I have bolded above. Thank you! So true! That is exactly how I have been living my life and now that I see it I can make the appropriate changes. I was discussing this whole triangulation thing with my therapist and came to the conclusion that this dynamic made me more tolerant of it than normal. I wonder if that contributed to the confusion and indecision in my case? People respect you more when they know your boundaries. Anyway, I had a great session with my T. It's amazing how quick you start moving once you see this stuff. I was going on about this and that and my therapist interceded and said, "spice, you are ready for a relationship." :love: It felt so great to hear that. I was like...wow...really? She said absolutely! The moral of the story is, whenever you find yourself confused, hurt and you're not sure which end is up, look inside because it means there is work to do. Someone told me recently that out of the darkness comes tremendous growth. That person was sooo right! You know what? As a survivor of a dysfunctional childhood, at times great, other times much less so, it still takes me a while to find that inner voice and process feelings. And that is okay. It takes time and patience to do so. I just tell people that I need time and I will get back to them. Either they agree to it, or it is too bad. I now give myself permission to delay and figure out how I truly feel about anything, and I'm okay with that. You be too! 1
Author spice4life Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 You know what? As a survivor of a dysfunctional childhood, at times great, other times much less so, it still takes me a while to find that inner voice and process feelings. And that is okay. It takes time and patience to do so. I just tell people that I need time and I will get back to them. Either they agree to it, or it is too bad. I now give myself permission to delay and figure out how I truly feel about anything, and I'm okay with that. You be too! Thank you spark111! You have no idea how much I needed to hear that today. I'm getting hit from all sides right now and need a moment to sort it all out. I just want to tell everyone, "stop, I'm not going anywhere, I'm starting to figure it all out." I'm doing my homework and it's really helping me to understand a lot...in a good way! Thanks again. I enjoy reading your posts...you have a really great way of helping people understand both sides of the equation. 1
OWoman Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 I just thought I would toss that out there. I thought this particular epiphany fit well in this forum because when you are involved in an affair, you ARE in a triangulated relationship. Maybe it will help if you ask yourself, "what was the cause?" Asking "what was the cause" assumes that you view your participation in such Rs as problematic. People don't typically devote hours to understanding how they got into situations that worked out well for them. The only "triangulated Rs" I've been involved in were As, chosen knowingly and with open eyes, and they've all worked out well for me and added to the quality of my life. I've never felt the need to examine "what was the cause" as I've never considered them to be pathological or maladaptive. I hope your epiphany serves you well, and helps you to make whatever adjustments you feel you need to make to your life for you to be happy
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