my body is a cage Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 For almost a year now, I have been distraught over this scenario with a boy I had a fling with. Over the summer, he broke my heart by telling me he was going to come visit me in Europe, and never did so. After summer, we reconnected again for a little while, and then his ex gf lit herself on fire. I was deeply distraught and disturbed and confused, and decided to take the semester off. Since then, we have been talking a little bit (initiated by me) and he has been polite, saying things like "it was good talking to you!" or telling me it was nice seeing me after a party. He said he wanted to have coffee with me, but it never happened, and we were talking to each other less... I confronted him at a party (because he left me no other choice) and asked him what his deal was (why he hadn't wanted to hang out) and he said... he told me that after his X died, "someone had said something," and I had laughed, and it just rubbed him the wrong way. Now I know I'm not a malicious person and I didn't find anything about her death funny - I was devastated by it - so I don't understand what I could have laughed at. I've been wracking my brain as to what I could have done. I asked him and he said "it was in front of x's house or something" I explained to him its not a matter I take lightly at all, and I would never intentionally laugh at something like that, and he said "maybe it was nervous laughter... don't worry about it..." and walked away from me. I texted him three times in a frenzy apologizing that anything I did could have been construed that way. He didn't respond to my text messages- this is the first time he has ever done so. I sent him an email saying (as I have multiple times) that I am devastated for his sake and have also been having a really rough time dealing with her death, although not comprable to what hes going through... and that if i layghed it was nervous laughter, and i was confused and hurt after the (brief) time we spent together he would think i was capable of doing something so insensitive, and that I was sorry that he perceived that I had laughed at anything inappropriate... Of course he hasn't responded. I feel like any hope of any reconciliation between us is over now. He has a lot of issues, and seems horrible on paper (had a campus restraining order against his ex before she killed herself, but tattooed her name on his chest the day after she died, had had a suicide pact with her to kill themselves when they turned 25) but somehow in person hes usually so courteous and conscientious and interesting that I can't wrap my mind around him being a bad person. Everyone loves him. This whole time I have been wondering why he hadn't wanted to see me - if he wasn't attracted to me, that he thought I wasn't good enough, etc... and now it turns out the reason he didn't want to hang out with me was because he had made a judgement on my character, that I had rubbed him the wrong way?! All I had wanted before was to be with him, and for a brief moment in time I thought I had found someone who I liked who liked me back, and now, a year later, its come down to the fact that he doesn't not like me because I'm fundamentally flawed, as I have always felt, but rather because he thinks I'm a morally bad person. I feel sick that this is how he views me. I told him this. I would feel sick if anyone viewed me this way. My friends have been outraged when I told them, saying if he knew me at all that wouldnt be possible, but I feel like I must've done SOMETHING to make him feel that way. I feel so guilty and ****ty, I don't know what to do.
Mutant Debutante Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Sugar, there isn't anything you can do. But really, it happens. People put feet in their mouths all the time. And maybe it was nervous laughter, or maybe he was in a daze and totally misunderstood something, who knows? Sometimes people are just going to misunderstand you or make judgments about you that you won't agree with. It can really suck. You can try to minimize it, but it's going to happen sometimes no matter what. You apologized to the guy. You tried to make him see things from your perspective, but for whatever reason he's just not in that headspace. End of story. You haven't done anything wrong. Time to move on.
green_tea Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Try not to put too much into what he thinks of you. This guy seems to have judged you on what someone said, it's not even firsthand knowledge. You know a real friend would never judge you like that. You've done all you can - you've apologised and explained, and he wants to continue to punish you for whatever reason. Your conscience is clear, so no need to feel guilty, let it go and move on.
Thedude22 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 After summer, we reconnected again for a little while, and then his ex gf lit herself on fire. Wow, I guess I should feel super ****ty because I literally laughed out loud when I read that. I don't know if it's because that is the dumbest form of suicide ever or if it was just so matter-of-factly and out-of-the-bluely put. Bravo for inadvertently tweeking my sick and demented funny bone though. Did she do it as a form of government protest? That seems to be a popular form of suicide amongst Vietnamese Buddhist Monks and unemployed Egyptian college students...yeah I'm going to hell.
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 You can do one of two things. Let it go and move on, or ask him outright WHO that person was who said you were laughing. Then, let him know that he can come with you while you go talk to that particular person who said you "laughed" after her death. Either that person has lied or completely misunderstood something. Or possibly mixed you up with someone else! Sadly though, it seems his mind is made up and if you don't do the above (talk to that person, find out who said that) then you need to leave him be forever.
sigurpol Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I'll admit I did have a "what?!"-sort of laugh when I read the suicide part. Just because it's beyond shocking and.. You never really hear things like that. I'm probably splitting hairs here, but if you're going to hold someone hostage for an offensive act, you better be certain how it happened. When I read your post about the part when he was explaining that you laughed (it might have been the way you typed it, for postings-sake) in front of x's house or something"....Or something? What ELSE would it have been? I don't know, that just caught my eye. You don't get wound up about an issue, but water it down to a "something". You're upset about a specific thing, be specific about it. I'm sorry, I'm not buying that excuse. Anyway, I'm also confused at the idea of him telling you it was great to hear from you, or great seeing you, AND proposing the idea of getting coffee.. to all of a sudden, oh I can't speak to you at all. If this was something that was bugging him, why would you ever say the things he said? Finally.. I'm sorry that you have to deal with all of this. It's definitely an overload of emotion, and feeling hung up on this is really tough too. If he really has an issue, then let him cool off. You've explained your story, thats all you can do now.
Author my body is a cage Posted April 19, 2011 Author Posted April 19, 2011 I'm probably splitting hairs here, but if you're going to hold someone hostage for an offensive act, you better be certain how it happened. When I read your post about the part when he was explaining that you laughed (it might have been the way you typed it, for postings-sake) in front of x's house or something"....Or something? What ELSE would it have been? I don't know, that just caught my eye. You don't get wound up about an issue, but water it down to a "something". You're upset about a specific thing, be specific about it. I'm sorry, I'm not buying that excuse. Thats the way he said it... he didn't say WHAT i laughed at... i don't know, i'm confused and hurt and even saying something like that is offensive. ai don't get why he said all that stuff and then threw this at me. I plan on ignoring him completely. It sucks, because I really liked him... Now I'm wondering if I should have given him the chance to explain himself in the last email I sent him, even though he was reluctant to do so at the party... he couldn't/didn't say WHAT i laughed at. This has all caused me so much grief. I thought someone I liked actually liked me back for once. Now I feel like its never going to happen again.
fishtaco Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Don't worry about it. It's done. If you can only reconcile with people that are open to it. If he was interested, what you told him would have made a difference. It didn't, because he's not interested. Even if you could convince him that it didn't happen or it was a misunderstanding, he'd pick something else as an excuse to distance himself. Say your peace, and let it go.
MarlyStar Posted April 19, 2011 Posted April 19, 2011 Frankly he doesn't sound stable, and I'd let it and him go. But I'm curious: why were you "devastated" when she killed herself? Did you know her or was she a stranger? Devastated enough to take a semester off of school? This seems over- and inappropriately involved to me.
Author my body is a cage Posted April 20, 2011 Author Posted April 20, 2011 yeah, i know i need to let it go. it just sucks he's friends with/ can talk to everyone else but can't/ doesn't want to talk to me. makes me sad, because we had such a great time together (he's said so too). i hope he doesn't view me as a horrible person. re being devastated: i was horrified by the way she did it, and because of my involvement with him i felt deeply affected by the situation. i had been depressed over the summer and this pushed me over the edge.
Author my body is a cage Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 im still feeling REALLY horrible about this. i just dont understand. he said nice things to me before and after, acted polite and acted as if he wanted to get coffee, told me i had a nice haircut, that it was good to see me...etc... what is the point of that if he thought i laughed at her suicide? i still can't get over it, i keep thinking that someone i loved who also loved me enough that he was going to visit me in europe has now dismissed me as a horrible person. i met this guy and told him the story and he said as a "self proclaimed douchebag" that my ex was definitely doing it to be manipulative, that he was someone how trying to gain the upper hand (he has been known to be a douchebag before) i dont follow the logic but i hope to go this is true... it just feels like **** that someone who i loved who used to care about me now thinks im a horrible person : -( this whole thing feels like ****, i wish it wre a horrible nightmare i could wake up from
Author my body is a cage Posted June 14, 2011 Author Posted June 14, 2011 Anyway, I'm also confused at the idea of him telling you it was great to hear from you, or great seeing you, AND proposing the idea of getting coffee.. to all of a sudden, oh I can't speak to you at all. If this was something that was bugging him, why would you ever say the things he said? exactly, thats what i dont undersatand
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