Wife Won't Experiment Sexually

[Educator]

Ok, don't want to get too graphic, but basically I married a woman that has become more restrictive in sexual practices over time than less. You would think, of course, that any couple would experiment and become more open to new ways of making love. We are talking about a woman that can't think about sex unless it's on a bed, the room is pitch black, missionary only and no willingness to try anything else. Oh, cat has to be out of the room, too, for goodness sake. It was a bit better during courtship and I figured things would get better over time, etc. Wrong.

 

Any suggestions other than counseling, which she thought was ridiculous?

[Baroness67]

That's a little vague for anyone to work with. Some people can give you various opinions based on their own experience, but you have to get a bit more specific.

 

Approximately:

 

1. How long was your courtship before marriage?

2. Did you have sexual experience before marriage?

3. How long has your marriage been?

4. kids? How many and how old are they?

5. What are you asking of your wife?

6. What made your mind change about the sex you supposedly enjoyed when you entered into the marriage, making it not enough? (be honest - porn? I don't have anything against it).

 

I'll be honest. I knew I was somewhat sexually conservative when I entered into my marriage. This meant earlier that I was at peace with going to my deathbed with no anal sex, etc. I might feel differently now if my spouse (with whom I am actively working on the marriage, at least from my part) suddenly told me this was very important to him. (Of course this would bring back the whole affair - and make me wonder why he suddenly wants something else new again, but anyway.)

 

On the other hand, if we are talking about things that would be far beyond what I am comfortable with, I'd truly understand I am really and truly married to someone who has changed beyond the someone I knew 20 years ago.

 

So what are we talking about? No oral at all? Dressing up? Lights on? Positions? Because, I believe, in the context of a marriage, even the more strict religions are like, enjoy yourselves. ?

[OldOnTheInside]

Is she religious?

 

Does she feel comfortable talking about your sex life?

 

How is your relationship in areas beyond your sex life?

 

How seriously have you spoken to her about this? You need to make you feelings crystal clear if you haven't already.

 

Like Baroness said, we need more information.

[sniffys]

how about offer some jewelry...or flowers and chocolates?

buy lingerie and some sex toys..

[ppend]

I was about to start a thread until I read this. I am a 46 y/o male, married for almost 19 years and have known my wife for 23 years. First off, i would like to think we have a great relationship, great marriage, great kids, we are living comfortably, and when we have sex it is wonderful. The kids are 17 and 13. The dilemma, i can't read my wife's signs. I feel like i don't know how to make love to my wife. I was bad after the first kid and absolutely terrible after the second. When my wife is in the mood which is nowhere as often as i would like, it is wnderful. She will never however initiate anything. In the past 5-6 years she has "allowed" me to get her to the the big "O" twice and sadly it is that infrequent that i can remember both. We are both the same age, look better than our ages, completely fit and healthy.....thank God......but in a good month maybe.......3x

I have tried to speak to her. First she said that i don't need an O i just want to be close to you which i understand, but c'mon sex should be 2 sided. Well now it has evolved that i don't even try, she let's me do my business and we are done......not fun. She told me that she would "massage" me if i was in the mood and she was not, but that became clinical......no fun.

I even one time said maybe we should go to a counselor and she tried to reassure me that wer are a normal couple with a couple of kids with hectic lives, and so forth and so forth.

I have bought her jewelry, I naturally do stuff around the house, I make sure i make time for our kid's activities etc.

Just an example, it's been better than a week, got home from work yesterday, gave a big hug, nibbled her ear, grabbed her butt, she giggled, she said maybe later, playfully brushed me off, not unusual, and hinted later.

Ok, SNL is on, she grabbed my hand i went to kissed her neck she playfully giggled , and brushed me off, but it was not like playing hard to get..................I don't know.............the last 16 years have been like this,,,,,,,i am frustrated................sorry for stealing the thread

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I was about to start a thread until I read this. I am a 46 y/o male, married for almost 19 years and have known my wife for 23 years. First off, i would like to think we have a great relationship, great marriage, great kids, we are living comfortably, and when we have sex it is wonderful. The kids are 17 and 13. The dilemma, i can't read my wife's signs. I feel like i don't know how to make love to my wife. I was bad after the first kid and absolutely terrible after the second. When my wife is in the mood which is nowhere as often as i would like, it is wnderful. She will never however initiate anything. In the past 5-6 years she has "allowed" me to get her to the the big "O" twice and sadly it is that infrequent that i can remember both. We are both the same age, look better than our ages, completely fit and healthy.....thank God......but in a good month maybe.......3x

I have tried to speak to her. First she said that i don't need an O i just want to be close to you which i understand, but c'mon sex should be 2 sided. Well now it has evolved that i don't even try, she let's me do my business and we are done......not fun. She told me that she would "massage" me if i was in the mood and she was not, but that became clinical......no fun.

I even one time said maybe we should go to a counselor and she tried to reassure me that wer are a normal couple with a couple of kids with hectic lives, and so forth and so forth.

I have bought her jewelry, I naturally do stuff around the house, I make sure i make time for our kid's activities etc.

Just an example, it's been better than a week, got home from work yesterday, gave a big hug, nibbled her ear, grabbed her butt, she giggled, she said maybe later, playfully brushed me off, not unusual, and hinted later.

Ok, SNL is on, she grabbed my hand i went to kissed her neck she playfully giggled , and brushed me off, but it was not like playing hard to get..................I don't know.............the last 16 years have been like this,,,,,,,i am frustrated................sorry for stealing the thread

 

I came to LS 2-3 years ag thinking I had an issue and no where year the sex I wanted and figured was normal, then I read sad posts like this and just shake my head in disbelief.... 23 years and you are okay? Getting the big "O" twice in the last 5-6 years and now you think there is a problem.

 

I don't know where to start outside offering my condolences.

 

And to the OP, again sounds like you made your bed and now are lying in it. If no kids and unhappy, leave.

[giotto]

you sound like me two years ago... I too took ages to realise that my situation wasn't "normal", especially after being on LS. Unfortunately, I can't give you good news. You either suck it up and make the best out of a pretty sad situation, or you leave... your youngest is 13... "only" 5 years to go...

 

 

I was about to start a thread until I read this. I am a 46 y/o male, married for almost 19 years and have known my wife for 23 years. First off, i would like to think we have a great relationship, great marriage, great kids, we are living comfortably, and when we have sex it is wonderful. The kids are 17 and 13. The dilemma, i can't read my wife's signs. I feel like i don't know how to make love to my wife. I was bad after the first kid and absolutely terrible after the second. When my wife is in the mood which is nowhere as often as i would like, it is wnderful. She will never however initiate anything. In the past 5-6 years she has "allowed" me to get her to the the big "O" twice and sadly it is that infrequent that i can remember both. We are both the same age, look better than our ages, completely fit and healthy.....thank God......but in a good month maybe.......3x

I have tried to speak to her. First she said that i don't need an O i just want to be close to you which i understand, but c'mon sex should be 2 sided. Well now it has evolved that i don't even try, she let's me do my business and we are done......not fun. She told me that she would "massage" me if i was in the mood and she was not, but that became clinical......no fun.

I even one time said maybe we should go to a counselor and she tried to reassure me that wer are a normal couple with a couple of kids with hectic lives, and so forth and so forth.

I have bought her jewelry, I naturally do stuff around the house, I make sure i make time for our kid's activities etc.

Just an example, it's been better than a week, got home from work yesterday, gave a big hug, nibbled her ear, grabbed her butt, she giggled, she said maybe later, playfully brushed me off, not unusual, and hinted later.

Ok, SNL is on, she grabbed my hand i went to kissed her neck she playfully giggled , and brushed me off, but it was not like playing hard to get..................I don't know.............the last 16 years have been like this,,,,,,,i am frustrated................sorry for stealing the thread

[ppend]

to "toodamnpragmatic", I know there and knew there was an issue, however I am finding it more and more difficult to bring it up to my wife because we are going to talk about "THAT" again, she gets upset or feels guilty then I feel bad etc, etc, etc. I believe that she is IN love with me, and like i said WHEN we do have sex and WHEN she gets into it is fun.

But on her "My favorite list", I believe sex would be about #33.

Then i look at myself do i follow through enough. do i wait for her to get in the mood. I once just did not initiate anything, purposely, just to see what would happen......after about three weeks she initiated but by gut feeling was not because she was horny, it was because she felt it has been a while since we did anything, and time to put out. And many times that is what it feels like. She has never once has ever said or spoke or vocalized the words, I'm horny or lets do it ,or I want you now etc . I just don't know how to read her. Yes we are both busy and don't have enough or almost none me and her time act like friends alot more than lovers. But she is my wife and i love her dearly

[Toodamnpragmatic]

to "toodamnpragmatic", I know there and knew there was an issue, however I am finding it more and more difficult to bring it up to my wife because we are going to talk about "THAT" again, she gets upset or feels guilty then I feel bad etc, etc, etc. I believe that she is IN love with me, and like i said WHEN we do have sex and WHEN she gets into it is fun.

But on her "My favorite list", I believe sex would be about #33.

Then i look at myself do i follow through enough. do i wait for her to get in the mood. I once just did not initiate anything, purposely, just to see what would happen......after about three weeks she initiated but by gut feeling was not because she was horny, it was because she felt it has been a while since we did anything, and time to put out. And many times that is what it feels like. She has never once has ever said or spoke or vocalized the words, I'm horny or lets do it ,or I want you now etc . I just don't know how to read her. Yes we are both busy and don't have enough or almost none me and her time act like friends alot more than lovers. But she is my wife and i love her dearly

 

geez I came here back then looking for answers that generally are not here (do a search to find other posts by me or Giotto, JamesM or Honourable Venerable for other views....). I'm your age, my kids are almost the exact same age as yours and there is always an excuse. Hell at least my wife & I talk a bit and your wife needs to understand we are not teens, that this is important and part of love and marriage and why we do have vows and make sacrifices along the way..... Kids are at the age they don't need you nearly as much anymore, yet your wife looks for excuses.

 

Yep my wife too puts sex at #33 (heck maybe #41).... The point is they need to understand it means more and one day you'll wake up (or she will) and realize everything you've missed along the way.....

 

Sorry it is Bulls&$t.... Do something....

Edited April 10, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[PinkInTheLimo]

I wonder if this is something which is inherent to the woman who is married 20 years or more seen the number of topics on this?

Are these women waiting until their husband can't longer get it up so that they will finally leave them alone?

 

Life isn't fair... I'm an attractive single woman in her forties with a healthy libido but I have no partner. And for me sex belongs in a committed relationship so ONS are no option, I am really not interested in that.

I hope I will one day fall in love with a guy my age who also thinks that a healthy sexlife is an important aspect of a relationship. And I plan to keep going until I am in my eighties...

 

Seriously, I can't understand these women. When I love a man, I want to have sex with him.

[Feelin Frisky]

.. I married a woman that has become more restrictive in sexual practices over time than less...

 

Ahem.....this is the rule, NOT the exception

 

If you want a life of increasing sexual experience, get with someone who feels they have to do some work at keeping you in their life. Your wife a permanent rights that say she has to do little more than nothing.

[dreamingoftigers]

I came to LS 2-3 years ag thinking I had an issue and no where year the sex I wanted and figured was normal, then I read sad posts like this and just shake my head in disbelief.... 23 years and you are okay? Getting the big "O" twice in the last 5-6 years and now you think there is a problem.

 

I don't know where to start outside offering my condolences.

 

And to the OP, again sounds like you made your bed and now are lying in it. If no kids and unhappy, leave.

 

you sound like me two years ago... I too took ages to realise that my situation wasn't "normal", especially after being on LS. Unfortunately, I can't give you good news. You either suck it up and make the best out of a pretty sad situation, or you leave... your youngest is 13... "only" 5 years to go...

 

to "toodamnpragmatic", I know there and knew there was an issue, however I am finding it more and more difficult to bring it up to my wife because we are going to talk about "THAT" again, she gets upset or feels guilty then I feel bad etc, etc, etc. I believe that she is IN love with me, and like i said WHEN we do have sex and WHEN she gets into it is fun.

But on her "My favorite list", I believe sex would be about #33.

Then i look at myself do i follow through enough. do i wait for her to get in the mood. I once just did not initiate anything, purposely, just to see what would happen......after about three weeks she initiated but by gut feeling was not because she was horny, it was because she felt it has been a while since we did anything, and time to put out. And many times that is what it feels like. She has never once has ever said or spoke or vocalized the words, I'm horny or lets do it ,or I want you now etc . I just don't know how to read her. Yes we are both busy and don't have enough or almost none me and her time act like friends alot more than lovers. But she is my wife and i love her dearly

 

Guys, if your wife's limbic system is running a little hot, she is not going to want any. Please contact the Amen Brain Clinics to see if any of your wives might be a candidate for this type of issue. It is a fixable physiological thing that can affect her quality of life and self-perception overall. You call. She probably won't.

 

It may look as though she doesn't care about your needs etc. but it there is a physiological aversion to sex, she isn't going to know why either. At least check out the option.

[Lauriebell82]

I didn't read a lot of the posts in this thread, but they seem to be coming from males.

 

Let me give you a woman's perspective. This may help the other men who are posting in this thread who are in a similar situation.

 

I have always been very self conscious about my body, I have struggled with a weight problem for many years, and had very droopy breasts which further made me embarrassed and self consicious when I was in bed with a man. I lost a lot of weight prior to meeting my husband, but I STILL felt embarrassed, those feelings just don't go away overnight.

 

So, I start dating my husband, we have sex frequently however it is basically what you describe with your wife OP. Lights off, missionary, on the bed. My husband asked me what was wrong and was very understanding and wanted to help. I was honest with him about my fears and how I was self consicous. He basically told me I was the hottest woman in the world and that one day I would be his "trophy wife." He told me I have no reason to be self conscious because he loves looking at my body. Slowly we began to change things up, we started leaving the lights on. Then I began getting on top, as well as doggy style. He was very patient and understanding, I still to this day get a tad self conscious when I'm on top and he is looking at me, but he locks eyes with me and tells me how sexy I am and this helps me to push the thought out of my mind. The more we do it, the less I think about it.

 

Now, your wife could feel this way, or she just could be doing it to be a biatch. Lets assume it's the first reason. You need to talk to her, with an understanding attitude and say something like:

 

"Hey honey, I love you and want to help you. I think that if we switch things up it will just make the sex even greater then it already is and it will give us some variety. Are you embarrassed or self conscious? If you are then you have nothing to worry about, I think you are the hottest and sexiest woman ever."

 

She'll respond to that a lot better then:

 

"Hey, why didn't you put out last night? I'm sick of doing the same thing over and over again, it's boring. You really need to change this about yourself."

 

Do you see hte difference?

[PinkInTheLimo]

I didn't read a lot of the posts in this thread, but they seem to be coming from males.

 

Let me give you a woman's perspective. This may help the other men who are posting in this thread who are in a similar situation.

 

I have always been very self conscious about my body, I have struggled with a weight problem for many years, and had very droopy breasts which further made me embarrassed and self consicious when I was in bed with a man. I lost a lot of weight prior to meeting my husband, but I STILL felt embarrassed, those feelings just don't go away overnight.

 

So, I start dating my husband, we have sex frequently however it is basically what you describe with your wife OP. Lights off, missionary, on the bed. My husband asked me what was wrong and was very understanding and wanted to help. I was honest with him about my fears and how I was self consicous. He basically told me I was the hottest woman in the world and that one day I would be his "trophy wife." He told me I have no reason to be self conscious because he loves looking at my body. Slowly we began to change things up, we started leaving the lights on. Then I began getting on top, as well as doggy style. He was very patient and understanding, I still to this day get a tad self conscious when I'm on top and he is looking at me, but he locks eyes with me and tells me how sexy I am and this helps me to push the thought out of my mind. The more we do it, the less I think about it.

 

Now, your wife could feel this way, or she just could be doing it to be a biatch. Lets assume it's the first reason. You need to talk to her, with an understanding attitude and say something like:

 

"Hey honey, I love you and want to help you. I think that if we switch things up it will just make the sex even greater then it already is and it will give us some variety. Are you embarrassed or self conscious? If you are then you have nothing to worry about, I think you are the hottest and sexiest woman ever."

 

She'll respond to that a lot better then:

 

"Hey, why didn't you put out last night? I'm sick of doing the same thing over and over again, it's boring. You really need to change this about yourself."

 

Do you see hte difference?

 

Lauriebell, why do the men have to solve the fact that their woman is embarrassed about her body? A relationship is not a therapy session, it should be between mature adults who feel good in their skin.

I think it is not up to one partner to sexually liberate the other. That is something that this person has to do him/herself. One has to want to be sexual and work towards being so.

 

When I meet a man my age, I expect for example that he takes the necessary precautions to preserve a decent erection. I once had a partner who at 39 suffered from ED (as in becoming soft when we had intercourse). He said it was due to age. I did not accept that explanation because he smoked, drank a couple of glasses of wine every day and did not exercise. At 39, I expected him to do the necessary to be a performing sexual partner. We eventually broke up because he was not only stubborn about this thing.

I think a man can expect the same from his wife as long as she has an age when being sexually active is normal. She has to make sure that she wants and likes sex and if there are issues which prevent her from that, she needs to look for help.

[Lauriebell82]

Lauriebell, why do the men have to solve the fact that their woman is embarrassed about her body? A relationship is not a therapy session, it should be between mature adults who feel good in their skin.

I think it is not up to one partner to sexually liberate the other. That is something that this person has to do him/herself. One has to want to be sexual and work towards being so.

 

I agree that it's something they need to do themselves, and that they have to want to do it. Encouragement and support does not neccesarily mean that it's therapy, it just means that they have an understanding and empathetic husband. I don't expect my husband to counsel me, but I do look for him to love and support me when I'm struggling with something. I think the problem with marriages sometimes is that partners just expect each other to change their ways and if they don't/can't right away then they get pissed off.

 

I think a man can expect the same from his wife as long as she has an age when being sexually active is normal. She has to make sure that she wants and likes sex and if there are issues which prevent her from that, she needs to look for help.

 

And her husband can't/isn't supposed to help her? The example that I gave of myself, I WANTED to change my behavior, but it was hard and I couldn't just all of the sudden do it overnight. I wasnt being stubborn or doing it on purpose, it was just an issue I had. With the support of my husband, I was able to overcome it. If he would have given me a hard time, made me feel guilty, yelled, criticized, ect. not only would I NOT have gotten over it, but I wouldn't have wanted to try to work on that with such a cold and critical partner.

[dreamingoftigers]

Lauriebell, why do the men have to solve the fact that their woman is embarrassed about her body? A relationship is not a therapy session, it should be between mature adults who feel good in their skin.

I think it is not up to one partner to sexually liberate the other. That is something that this person has to do him/herself. One has to want to be sexual and work towards being so.

 

The guys get a shot at trying things their way because they are unhappy and things are not working for them. If they don't want to leave their wives and their wives aren't budging, then that leaves option #3, they try to figure it out.

 

When I meet a man my age, I expect for example that he takes the necessary precautions to preserve a decent erection. I once had a partner who at 39 suffered from ED (as in becoming soft when we had intercourse). He said it was due to age. I did not accept that explanation because he smoked, drank a couple of glasses of wine every day and did not exercise. At 39, I expected him to do the necessary to be a performing sexual partner. We eventually broke up because he was not only stubborn about this thing.

I think a man can expect the same from his wife as long as she has an age when being sexually active is normal. She has to make sure that she wants and likes sex and if there are issues which prevent her from that, she needs to look for help.

 

10 characters.

[giotto]

Are sure sure you are not married to my wife?

 

to "toodamnpragmatic", I know there and knew there was an issue, however I am finding it more and more difficult to bring it up to my wife because we are going to talk about "THAT" again, she gets upset or feels guilty then I feel bad etc, etc, etc. I believe that she is IN love with me, and like i said WHEN we do have sex and WHEN she gets into it is fun.

But on her "My favorite list", I believe sex would be about #33.

Then i look at myself do i follow through enough. do i wait for her to get in the mood. I once just did not initiate anything, purposely, just to see what would happen......after about three weeks she initiated but by gut feeling was not because she was horny, it was because she felt it has been a while since we did anything, and time to put out. And many times that is what it feels like. She has never once has ever said or spoke or vocalized the words, I'm horny or lets do it ,or I want you now etc . I just don't know how to read her. Yes we are both busy and don't have enough or almost none me and her time act like friends alot more than lovers. But she is my wife and i love her dearly

[Educator]

I appreciate the responses. First, for more information, we have talked ad nauseum about this. Like ppend's response (I think ppend), my wife just says that we don't need counseling and most people are just like us, etc. I don't know if she is scared that a counselor will disagree with her or confident that most people are really like us. I highly doubt most people are like her, anyway. GF's previous to marriage certainly were not!

 

I even bought instructional videos from Adam & Eve on various sexual techniques, positions, etc. She was not interested, she didn't even look at them. So, it's not a question of not talking or communicating.

 

More info. The rest of our relationship is good. We do get along fine and have a lot of history, kids, all the normal stuff built up. A lot to leave or shake up but isn't a marriage more than good platonic friends? Isn't the sexual relationship part of the contract? I'm sure you all have heard this before.

 

Anyway, I now realize why the European "stay married but have affairs" relationship stereotype is so popular. It is an alternative to a situation like mine, last resort, of course, but I might be close that last resort. At least it seems a better alternative than divorcing and ruining a lot of relationships and history and all. And it seems like an affair with the right person (e.g., someone in a similar situation to me would be helpful in some ways, it would keep the marriage intact, etc. Anyone have experience with successful affairs?

[xxoo]

It was a bit better during courtship and I figured things would get better over time, etc. Wrong.

 

Reading between the lines here...it sounds like you weren't fully satisfied with the sex before marriage. If it isn't good before marriage, it sure as heck isn't getter better after marriage. You need to accept your part in marrying someone who was one way sexually, and expecting her to change into someone else sexually.

[xxoo]

I'm not sure if I missed it, but how often do you have sex?

 

We are talking about a woman that can't think about sex unless it's on a bed, the room is pitch black, missionary only and no willingness to try anything else.

 

I've had a lot of loving, passionate sex under these conditions. I can understand why you'd want more, but if the frequency is decent, you do have a lot more than many other people in the world.

[giotto]

I'm not sure if I missed it, but how often do you have sex?

 

 

 

I've had a lot of loving, passionate sex under these conditions. I can understand why you'd want more, but if the frequency is decent, you do have a lot more than many other people in the world.

 

Come on! You would be incredibly frustrated if, after good varied sex in the past, you were to be reduced to have sex ONLY in the circumstances mentioned above. I don't believe that for a nanosecond!

[xxoo]

Come on! You would be incredibly frustrated if, after good varied sex in the past, you were to be reduced to have sex ONLY in the circumstances mentioned above. I don't believe that for a nanosecond!

 

He didn't say he had good, varied sex in the past. He said it was a 'bit' better. He married her expecting it to improve (bad move).

 

I'm not saying that I'm envious of his position---just that perspective matters, and gratitude can make a huge difference. If he's got a loving, warm wife to snuggle with in bed, and sexual release as part of the package, that's a lot more than many have.

[giotto]

He didn't say he had good, varied sex in the past. He said it was a 'bit' better. He married her expecting it to improve (bad move).

 

ok, it was a "bit better", but still better than now.

 

If he's got a loving, warm wife to snuggle with in bed, and sexual release as part of the package, that's a lot more than many have.

 

 

If... But listen, he is in a very unsatisfactory position (otherwise he wouldn't be posting on LS) and you are telling him that he should be happy with what he's got? That's not going to help...

[KoolKat]

It would make more sense for you to talk through these problems with your wife as only she can tell you for sure what is going on in her mind.

 

But are a couple of things I think could be part of the issue:

 

I once just did not initiate anything, purposely, just to see what would happen......after about three weeks she initiated but by gut feeling was not because she was horny, it was because she felt it has been a while since we did anything, and time to put out. And many times that is what it feels like.

 

How do you know for sure that she would do this? I doubt many women would initiate lovemaking simply because they felt they had to 'put out'. She probably can sense your doubt in her and if she can, it will put her off bothering in future. Stop thinking like that, it will spoil the mood and start enjoying it when she does initiate it.

Some women just prefer the men to initiate love-making. It makes them feel appreciated and loved.

 

She has never once has ever said or spoke or vocalized the words, I'm horny or lets do it ,or I want you now etc

 

Maybe she feels self-concious about saying such things. They're certainly not very romantic. Perhaps she wants you to look for signals in her body language like holding eye contact, smiling flirtily at you, kissing you a certain way which would lead on to making love - kind of like in the films. I don't know how it is for the majority of women, but I find it really kills the mood if I have to spell it out for my fiancé which luckily for me rarely happens.

[KoolKat]

Anyway, I now realize why the European "stay married but have affairs" relationship stereotype is so popular. It is an alternative to a situation like mine, last resort, of course, but I might be close that last resort. At least it seems a better alternative than divorcing and ruining a lot of relationships and history and all. And it seems like an affair with the right person (e.g., someone in a similar situation to me would be helpful in some ways, it would keep the marriage intact, etc. Anyone have experience with successful affairs?

 

I think this is a cowardly and terrible thing you are considering. I'm sure she wouldn't agree that an affair was the best option. Whatever your reasoning, you will be betraying her. Does she deserve to be married to a liar and a coward? If you truly loved her, you wouldn't even consider it as an option.

 

If you are not happy, then grow a backbone and file for divorce so she can have a chance to be with someone who will appreciate and love her for who she is rather than for who they thought they could change her into.