Shaun-Dro Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Im a single guy in my 30s. Im in the midst of getting my life together. I've been single for a couple years because I was caught up in school but now that Im graduating at the end of the year with a job lined up on the list of new recruits, I feel better about things and the dating scene. The thing is, living in NYC is tough on the dating world. Those of you living here know what Im talking about, especially men. I've tried to do the club thing, but its too loud in there to talk. The bars and lounges are about the same. I've tried coffee shops, but girls/women keep coming in there with a group of friends, which keeps guys from hitting on them. Since Im a loner I feel like I have to work other venues. When I say loner, I like to go out alone and do things by myself because I dont like friends putting in their 2 cents on other things to do when I may not be up to it. I've always been a leader and do things on my own terms. Is this hurting my chances in any way? I have no idea. But I love being a loner. Like Clint Eastwood . Also, I have a good friend that I see from time-to-time and talk with him on facebook. He's 50 years old and recently found "the right one" so he puts it. His woman is 34, a big age difference, but their chemistry is so good it doesn't even matter. And she's attractive which makes me jealous. My 50 year old friend claims that because Im a gemini I need to use charm and wits and just talking to women as much as possible but without any intentions of wanting to date them. And when I feel there's an opening, as she will let me know it, I can bump it up a notch and take it from there. Problem is, I've tried this for a while and I dont feel any openings. I just feel they're being polite and that's it. Women aren't putting themselves out there like I think they should, especially when they see a man that gets their attention. It just seems like a lot of head-games going on now. I tend to talk to attractive women. Not stunners or model types as I know the deal with them so I stay away. Just natural cute young women that have a friendly, approachable vibe about them. But I just dont know where to meet these types, because in NYC, all these women are out in a group or something. Why so afraid to travel alone some times? And if they do, they ignore all the men around them and act like they're in some kind of rush. Boy this is a tough break. Now, my other friend, that's already settled with a plain jane, keeps telling me to just pick any nice girl that comes along and settle for that, because all the pretty ones are headaches and since I haven't gotten any success yet in my 30s, it wont get any easier in my 40s and beyond. This friend is 37, a few years older than me and recently married. What do I do? I dont wanna settle for any girl just because she's nice. Im one that needs physical attraction to get the ball rolling and then all the other stuff like personal connections could come later. But at the same time, Im a little tired of just approaching women in streets, etc. because they kinda know what I want even if I choose topics around us to chat about. Women always know what the man is up to in these cases. I need advice badly in this situation, because I really dont wanna be alone forever. Eventually you get old, tired, and sick, and there's nothing better than to have that SO by your side to help you, and vice versa. All advice is welcome ladies and gentleman. Thanks!
Survivor12 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Having lived in NYC myself, I'm curious about what neighborhood you are talking about. In my neighborhood (W. Village/Soho), there were many women (and men) on the streets, in the delis, the bodegas, coffee shops, book stores, sidewalk cafes (just to name a few places). Also, since most shops & restaurants are rather small (seating is usually rather close), you should have ample opportunities to strike up conversations. "But at the same time, Im a little tired of just approaching women in streets, etc. because they kinda know what I want even if I choose topics around us to chat about. Women always know what the man is up to in these cases. " That's the whole point of striking up a conversation in the first place, right? To let them know that you are interested in meeting/getting to know them? Another strategy that may help is to frequent certain places regularly which will increase your chances of seeing the same people more than once and earn you points for "familiarity". There may be a lot of people in the City, but it's not impossible to see the same people again and again if you are paying attention (they walk the same way to the subway each morning, have lunch in the same neighborhood as they work, etc.) For example, there was a little pub that I used to stop in at on my way home from work two or three times a week for a drink or appetizer--just a little neighborhood bar. Within the first couple of weeks, I knew the names of one of the bartenders, a waitress and a couple of "regulars" and the faces of several others enough to exchange greetings. Finally, don't let a "group" of women keep you from striking up a conversation. Just make a comment or ask a question & see who answers. If you are interested in a particular woman in the group, make extra eye contact with her once you've broken the ice with the group...she'll pick up on it. Like you said, women KNOW. Now, stop making excuses, forget about "settling" and get on with it! lol
fishtaco Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I'm in the greater Los Angeles area. Metropolitan like NYC. Maybe not as much because I'm not actually in LA. Someone said it's easier to date in NYC, but I don't know, never tried it there. But I can tell you here, there is a lot of game playing. I'm a gemini. I don't believe in astrology, but I do the exact same thing that your 50 year old friend told you. There are two basic areas of improvement. 1) Self improvement. 2) Social network. Self improvement - Women like men with the whole package. So every category you can think of, try to reach average. If you can get to average, you're good. For example, kudos on the graduation and a job lined up. That should put you at least in the average zone as far as financial outlook is concerned. Check mark that off. So go work out, but you don't need to look like an underwear model. Have a sense of style, but you don't need to look like you belong on the front covers of magazines. Be able to converse with strangers, but you don't need to be a master wordsmith that can enchant even unwilling strangers... etc. Every category. Then pick a couple of things you're naturally good at, and excel. Be a jack of all trades with a couple of bonuses. So it takes work yes, but this is a goal that anyone that is average and willing to put in the effort, can achieve. Because we're just talking about reaching average here. And most people are average, just some are under achievers. Social network - you need friends. You need as big of a social network as you can maintain. You're lucky that you're in NYC, high population density area, you will not run out of people. That's the foundation. Friends' parties are the best. You get to meet friends' friends. Normally the quality of people will be better, because they have been pre-filtered by your friends. Also women's guards tend to be lower. Plus you'll probably be introduced by your mutual friends, that's always the easier way in. But to prevent from meeting the same people over and over again, you have to keep making new friends. So while you get high quality opportunities, they probably won't happen very often, and it's at the mercy of other people... you have to wait till they decide to have a party. Bars and clubs are better in the sense that they are always there. You just have to show up, so it's based on your schedule. Even though many women have their guard up, at least there's an expectation of mingling with strangers. Bring a wingman/wingwoman. That'll make it easier. Supermarkets, restaurants, coffee shops, women's guards will be up, plus they won't be expecting to mingle. So this is the coldest of cold approaches. It can happen, but lower percentage of success. I agree with Survivor12 that if you don't want to do cold approaches, you can build up familiarity. Be a regular. Or, you can join some sort of hobby group. It's easier to be a regular there, and it won't feel like you're wasting time, because you are doing your hobby. Say, tennis, rock climbing, poker, whatever interest you. Try meetup groups. This is a good thing about living in metropolitan areas. Lots of opportunities. Take advantage of it.
Thedude22 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Man I wish I lived in NYC. It's the difference between fishing in the Caribbean and the Dead Sea. I don't even have much advice because I'm in a barren wasteland of good looking/intelligent females. I've always wondered how the hell people can afford to live in NY though if you're not a lawyer or a stock broker. 38k in NYC is like poverty from what I've heard.
fishtaco Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Man I wish I lived in NYC. It's the difference between fishing in the Caribbean and the Dead Sea. I don't even have much advice because I'm in a barren wasteland of good looking/intelligent females. I've always wondered how the hell people can afford to live in NY though if you're not a lawyer or a stock broker. 38k in NYC is like poverty from what I've heard. Sorry, I'm a city boy, I've always lived in areas with high population density. I would go nuts if I had to live in some rural area. I don't have any advice for you. If you take the same job at a metropolitan area, you'll get paid more money for doing the same thing. You'll also spend more money because the living expenses is higher. So it's a wash. You should be fine as long as you have employable skills. But city life is fast paced and stressful. Not everyone like it.
Thedude22 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Sorry, I'm a city boy, I've always lived in areas with high population density. I would go nuts if I had to live in some rural area. I don't have any advice for you. If you take the same job at a metropolitan area, you'll get paid more money for doing the same thing. You'll also spend more money because the living expenses is higher. So it's a wash. You should be fine as long as you have employable skills. But city life is fast paced and stressful. Not everyone like it. I have a BA and a graduated magna cum laude, but that doesn't mean a hill of beans these days. I know that the pay is higher but from what I've calculated it doesn't cover the costs. For example I read that you make like 10-15k more but living expenses are 20-25k more so...yeah I think I'll wait until I have a law degree or something, bleh don't know if I can stand to live here that long though. So yeah this is your thread not mine haha, didn't mean to make it about my city situation.
Romeofud Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 OP, your loner thing is not all-around bad, but you still need a wingman or 2 to let you into certain social circles. Being by yourself is fine. I go at it alone too sometimes, but when it comes to parties, clubs, etc. I'm always with a friend or 2. It makes things easier. Intros take place. Comfortability is establish between the parties, so on and so forth. In other words, there's always something happening in NYC, man. Meeting women in NY is a piece of cake. But of course, you're probably talking in the sense of quality woman, right? Well, man, you probably wont find them in clubs and bars. Coffee shops is a good place to start. I've locked up phone numbers and facebook adds in coffee shop intros. It's easy. Just relax, take a deep breath, and go for it. Dont think about it too much. Just let it happen. As for places to meet quality women, definitely meetup.com is a way to go, although I heard lots of older women are doing that lol. Somewhere along the lines of 40s, 50s. Not my cup of tea, no way! What about taking some dance lessons, yoga, or a language class? I'm sure there's lot of women in there for you to swim in. Just gotta get out there & seek these out.
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