DCMNW Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Hi Everyone! Reading these posts really help me to feel not so alone in this. I just need to vent and tell my story to people that understand. I had known my MM for 3 years. We work together. He is in upper management, however he does not supervise me or work with me directly. I always had a major crush on him but knew he was married with kids. We used to all go to happy hours and he and I would flirt but nothing more. That all changed a few months ago. Right when it started he told me about his situation. That his W told him she was done with the marriage and wanted to leave him. He said things had been going downhill for the past year or so and that he didn't even know who she was anymore or if they had anything in common. So he said it was only a matter of time before she filed papers for separation, etc. Granted I had my guard up in the beginning because it was the W making the decision and not him. I was worried that I was just filling a void for him. But as our relationship progressed he would tell me that I make him so happy and that he thinks we could be great together. He told me repeatedly that he felt he was falling in love with me and there was this crazy connection between us. I felt the same. I was head over heels for him. The marriage seemed to be getting worse, with both MM and W asking the other person to move out, getting in huge blowout fights, etc...the W got an attorney. But he kept telling me he didnt want to be the one to leave because he was worried about losing the house. And he didnt want to feel like he was deserting his kids. Then the W tells him she needs 6 months to figure out her own issues before deciding what to do about their marriage. They were going to marriage counseling and I now felt they were trying to work things out. However the counseling sessions never went well and always ended with things worse than before. He said he was going to these so that if it went to court he could say he "tried" to work things out. Things started to go badly when I wanted more of a "normal" relationship with him. I wanted to go on dates, see him more, etc...granted our relationship was never just about sex...we only had sex a handful of times in a span of a few months...we talked on the phone constantly and texted alot...but it was hard to see him alot because he didnt want her to get suspicious. He was worried if she found out she would use it against him in the divorce. So when I started to get upset when he had to cancel plans or I couldnt see him, he said he felt horrible and it was unfair to me that he just couldnt give me what I need or deserve right now. Then he started pulling back, less calls, texts, no more hanging out. I was confused and thought he had completely lost interest. So we talked about it and he said you know I just cant give you what you want right now and I need to figure out my life. His W is stringing him along and he isnt emotionally ready to be the one to make a decision. He says he's scared of starting all over again (hes been married 19 years) and doesnt want to leave his kids and let her get half of his money in the divorce. So he said its not fair to me when he cant guarantee that it will even end. Either if they are miserable I think he will stay, just because he refuses to end it. So I was heartbroken but I knew he was doing the right thing. Then I was angry...because I wish he had realized all this earlier before he made me believe we had a future together and his marriage would be ending any day... So a few days later I had 3 missed calls from him and when I finally talked to him he starts asking if I'm mad at him and doesnt want me to think it had anything to do with me. He also seemed baffled that I had stopped all contact, and that he missed talking to me and hearing my voice. He said he still has feelings for me but needs to focus on his life and getting himself back on his feet. So he basically was saying he still wanted to be friends and talk to me. I told him that would be difficult for me to do because I will always want more than a friendship. I asked him to give me some time to clear my head and I would get back to him. The reality was I missed talking to him too, even though I knew it would be unhealthy to do so. So after a couple days I told him I wanted to be friends and missed talking to him too (I realize this is stupid). So he called that day and we talked like normal and then suddenly the calls completely stopped. I have tried once to text him and he was very short with his response. Not to mention I see him at work and its awkward. I am so heartbroken right now. Why didnt he just leave it be when it first ended? He's the one who said he missed talking to me and wanted to keep in touch...I know its unhealthy but deep down I was hoping that after he went a while without me he might realize what he's missing. But now he is suddenly being cold and distant. I dont get it. I fear that him and the W might be working things out now... I just feel like such a fool that I ended up in this situation. Thanks for listening and any advice is appreciated!
siuys Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 DCMNW, sorry you are in this situation and welcome to LS. Unfortunately, your situation is far from unique. When I first joined LS and was told that, I didn't want to believe it. Listen to what the guy is telling you and look at the situation. He said he cannot give you what you want and needs to sort out his life. He does. People in this situation is messed up, and confused and conflicted. They WILL go back and forth, flip and flop and if you do not walk away, you will be in for a long, painful roller coaster ride with no end in sight. He misses talking to you etc? Sure. Does that mean he can have a 'normal' relationship with you? No. Does that mean he will leave his W? No. It just means he misses the feeling of how you make him feel. The ego stroke. The sex. The infatuation. He may or may not divorce. If statistics and the stories on LS is any indication, it's highly unlikely he will. Even if he does, he will be so messed up you will be getting a patient, not a partner. You are in the affair fog and you are wearing rose-tinted specs. It would be to your best interest if you walked away now. Not tomorrow. Not day after. Now. And leave it at that, however painful. You have to bring that closure and close that door. Stop analysing everything and go NC.
issohard Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Reading this I felf that I was reading my own story Up to util now I don't know my answers ... But it doesn't matter now. Be strong and leave him alone..
Author DCMNW Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 Thanks for the straight forward response. I needed it. I guess I'm just upset that I was doing so well with NC, he was the one who gave in and called to say he missed me and wanted to keep in touch. Then when I finally say okay, lets try to be friends and keep in touch, he suddenly disappears and I feel completely rejected. It's almost cruel...I dont understand why he didn't just let me be. I dont plan on contacting him again though, I'm trying to be strong...I just need to get rid of this nagging urge to ask him why he is acting like this.
siuys Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Thanks for the straight forward response. I needed it. I guess I'm just upset that I was doing so well with NC, he was the one who gave in and called to say he missed me and wanted to keep in touch. Then when I finally say okay, lets try to be friends and keep in touch, he suddenly disappears and I feel completely rejected. It's almost cruel...I dont understand why he didn't just let me be. I dont plan on contacting him again though, I'm trying to be strong...I just need to get rid of this nagging urge to ask him why he is acting like this. It's never such a good idea to 'be friends' in a situation like this. Not now anyway, I believe. What is the point? So that you can keep the feelings alive and never move forward? So that he can have you there as a side dish in case he needs some nurturing from you? You have to remember it is all about them, not you. If you let him walk all over you, he will. I guarantee it. It IS cruel and who is it up to to stop it? No point asking him why he is acting like this. What do you want him to tell you? Coz he misses you and is confused? Coz he wants you to be there just in case he needs a fix? Coz he loves how you make him feel but doesn't care how you feel? Coz he likes to know he can reel you in? Coz he's addicted and doesn't know it? Pick one. All the best and maintain NC. You KNOW in your heart that is the best thing for you. Don't give him the power to affect how you feel. It's time to reclaim your life.
TurboGirl Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Welcome to LS. This guy keeps flip flopping and it will make you crazy! If this xMM contacts you again, and he might, please don't respond to him. Just feeds his ego and you will feel bad when he doesn't respond after a time or two. Stay NC, the only way to start feeling better!
fooled once Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Hi Everyone! Reading these posts really help me to feel not so alone in this. I just need to vent and tell my story to people that understand. I had known my MM for 3 years. We work together. He is in upper management, however he does not supervise me or work with me directly. I always had a major crush on him but knew he was married with kids. We used to all go to happy hours and he and I would flirt but nothing more. That all changed a few months ago. Right when it started he told me about his situation. That his W told him she was done with the marriage and wanted to leave him. He said things had been going downhill for the past year or so and that he didn't even know who she was anymore or if they had anything in common. So he said it was only a matter of time before she filed papers for separation, etc. Granted I had my guard up in the beginning because it was the W making the decision and not him. I was worried that I was just filling a void for him. But as our relationship progressed he would tell me that I make him so happy and that he thinks we could be great together. He told me repeatedly that he felt he was falling in love with me and there was this crazy connection between us. I felt the same. I was head over heels for him. The marriage seemed to be getting worse, with both MM and W asking the other person to move out, getting in huge blowout fights, etc...the W got an attorney. But he kept telling me he didnt want to be the one to leave because he was worried about losing the house. And he didnt want to feel like he was deserting his kids. Then the W tells him she needs 6 months to figure out her own issues before deciding what to do about their marriage. They were going to marriage counseling and I now felt they were trying to work things out. However the counseling sessions never went well and always ended with things worse than before. He said he was going to these so that if it went to court he could say he "tried" to work things out. Things started to go badly when I wanted more of a "normal" relationship with him. I wanted to go on dates, see him more, etc...granted our relationship was never just about sex...we only had sex a handful of times in a span of a few months...we talked on the phone constantly and texted alot...but it was hard to see him alot because he didnt want her to get suspicious. He was worried if she found out she would use it against him in the divorce. So when I started to get upset when he had to cancel plans or I couldnt see him, he said he felt horrible and it was unfair to me that he just couldnt give me what I need or deserve right now. Then he started pulling back, less calls, texts, no more hanging out. I was confused and thought he had completely lost interest. So we talked about it and he said you know I just cant give you what you want right now and I need to figure out my life. His W is stringing him along and he isnt emotionally ready to be the one to make a decision. He says he's scared of starting all over again (hes been married 19 years) and doesnt want to leave his kids and let her get half of his money in the divorce. So he said its not fair to me when he cant guarantee that it will even end. Either if they are miserable I think he will stay, just because he refuses to end it. So I was heartbroken but I knew he was doing the right thing. Then I was angry...because I wish he had realized all this earlier before he made me believe we had a future together and his marriage would be ending any day... So a few days later I had 3 missed calls from him and when I finally talked to him he starts asking if I'm mad at him and doesnt want me to think it had anything to do with me. He also seemed baffled that I had stopped all contact, and that he missed talking to me and hearing my voice. He said he still has feelings for me but needs to focus on his life and getting himself back on his feet. So he basically was saying he still wanted to be friends and talk to me. I told him that would be difficult for me to do because I will always want more than a friendship. I asked him to give me some time to clear my head and I would get back to him. The reality was I missed talking to him too, even though I knew it would be unhealthy to do so. So after a couple days I told him I wanted to be friends and missed talking to him too (I realize this is stupid). So he called that day and we talked like normal and then suddenly the calls completely stopped. I have tried once to text him and he was very short with his response. Not to mention I see him at work and its awkward. I am so heartbroken right now. Why didnt he just leave it be when it first ended? He's the one who said he missed talking to me and wanted to keep in touch...I know its unhealthy but deep down I was hoping that after he went a while without me he might realize what he's missing. But now he is suddenly being cold and distant. I dont get it. I fear that him and the W might be working things out now... I just feel like such a fool that I ended up in this situation. Thanks for listening and any advice is appreciated! I am sorry you are hurting. Sounds like he has fed you all kinds of bull. Isn't it interesting how he has blamed EVERYTHING on his wife? He can't leave because SHE will take all his money. How SHE wanted to leave him, how HE didn't want to lose the house blah blah blah. So I guess his plan was to kick out his wife and kids, right? I mean, he is so important at work and having an affair, when does he have time to spend with his kids? Plus, having the kids full time when you are having an affair really puts a damper on things. And it seems like you believed ALL this. Does he take ownership of being a cheater? Does he take half the responsibility of the state of the marriage? His cheating is on HIM, not on her. And he feeds you lines about how he is going to pretend to work on his marriage so HE looks good in court? Are you kidding me? He said this to you with a straight face? He must really think you are naive or stupid to believe this stuff!!! He has used you. He has used you for his own benefit. He is either bored at home or bored with life and instead of working on HIMSELF, he finds someone who thinks he hung the moon and the stars. I am going to guess that you are younger than him - probably by about 10 or so years? He found someone who adores him and wants to be with him. He found someone who tells him how great he is, how wonderful he is and who strokes HIS ego. Texting doesn't equal a relationship. Texting someone all day doesn't equal love. Sharing your life with someone isn't done over text or email. How do you know the counseling sessions aren't going well? Have you talked to his wife? What does she say? Who pretends to go to marriage counseling and then states they are going to use that in court to....what ... make him LOOK better? Will that really matter? Judges don't care if a couple goes to marriage counseling!!! He likes the attention you give him. He likes that you make him feel like he is king. You can't have a "normal" relationship until he is DIVORCED. And he isn't even MOVING towards that. He is hoping his WIFE does that for him. Why are men such COWARDS??? If they love someone else - man up and get a divorce, not drop your pants!!! DCM, I hope you see this liar for what he is. I hope you don't continue to believe the lies coming out of his mouth. I hope you don't keep waiting and hoping one day you will be with him. It will take a minimum of a year (most likely) for that to happen, if ever, since HE has no plans to leave. Take back your life. Quit playing 2nd fiddle. Quit allowing him to use you and disrespect you. You cannot be friends with him because you are in love with him. You are going to let yourself be hurt more and more - you are going to give him the power to continue to use you. Break free from him. He isn't the man you need or want. He isn't a good man. He isn't a nice man. Break free. Take some time for YOU - talk to a counselor about why you are allowing yourself to be someone's option when you have made him a priority. Get him out of your life. He is not good for you. It will hurt and it will take time; but eventually, you will have your life back instead of waiting for him - waiting for him to text you or want to see you. Good luck. I hope you can find some peace. IF you decide to stay with him, you will need to realize that you will be his affair partner - not his wife (because he has one) and not his girlfriend (married people don't have boyfriends/girlfriends). You will remain a hidden secret. You will have to sit by and watch as he leaves to go on vacation with his wife/family; spend holidays alone while he is with his wife/family. I hope you can either accept that you will only be the mistress or break free from him. I hope you break free because you deserve better.
Author DCMNW Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Thanks for the responses. I am really starting to see things more clearly now. I was definitely in a fog before. I know that trying to be "friends" is a bad idea. I think it was my way of keeping him in my life and holding on to hope that things might work out. Not healthy at all. Now that he has done a total 180 and has stopped contacting me it's really made me question everything and see things in a whole new light. fooled once, Yes he blamed her for everything. Said she was crazy and treated him like sh*t. He said she told him she wanted her independence and wanted to move on. This left him heartbroken and I happened to be at the right place at the right time. All I was doing was filling the void and giving him the affection he wasnt getting at home. Stroking his ego as you all put it. I just feel like such a fool because I brought these concerns up to him and he convinced me that I wasnt just filling a void and that he had genuine feelings for me. As far as the counseling sessions go, yes he was the one who told me things always went badly. He would call me as soon as he got out of them and would be upset/stressed out and would say how it just makes things worse and causes more fights. Granted I see that he could have been lying to be about this. I am really trying to be strong and not contact him. I guess I always want the last word and want "closure". However he has made it clear now he doesnt even care about staying in contact with me anymore (after feeding me all those lines about missing hearing my voice, etc)...so I will just try to move on. Its just extremely difficult when I have to see him at work. In the end I keep telling myself, even if she left him and we were able to be together, it would only be because I was his back up plan. Like you said I dont need to be someones option...I want someone who chooses to be with me because they cant imagine being with anyone else.
Amour7 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) I want someone who chooses to be with me because they cant imagine being with anyone else. DCMNW- Welcome to loveshack, and sorry you are going through such a difficult thing. So many of us can imagine how hard this is for you. It seems like you have gained some important insight already. I love what you had to say above. That hits home for me, too. I am only a few days into NC and there are moments when I wish he'd call or email, and now I am beginning to be thankful that he isn't contacting me, because I don't want to open the door again to being just a girl on the side. Best of luck to you. It's a new week and spring where I live, which is reminding me of the opportunity to begin again. Hugs:) Edited April 10, 2011 by Amour7
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 He came back to you then pulled away because his ego couldn't let you be the one to end it. That's about power and control. Plain and simple.
rainier Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Welcome, I have not been on long but it seems we all come here when things are breaking down. Somehow our self esteem & day to day functioning become obsessed by these men. My MM ended it with me last week after going back and forth many times before. I always took him back. He contacted me a few days ago to see how I was and it sets you back. I am trying NC but more so, trying to let go of the dream that he was really mine and move forward. I am struggling but I come here to all these great people who ended up in the club nobody wanted to be in or imagine and find strength. Just keep telling yourself about how you are 2nd choice and dismissed you. Good luck and keep us posted.
Author DCMNW Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Thanks Rainier. Yeah this forum is great. This is such a difficult situation and its so hard to talk even to my friends about. They just dont understand what its like to be in our shoes. Good luck with staying NC with your MM. I am on day 2 now and it hurts so bad. Now I have to go to work tomorrow and risk seeing him, it just tears open the wound every time. I'm getting to the anger stage now. Before I was just sad and hurt. I am fighting the urge to send him an email so I can get all my feelings out. I feel like I let him off too easy. He doesnt think he did anything wrong. I know I should just let it go and move on though. I've taken some advice here and written an email with all my feelings but havent sent it. It is so tempting though.
MLC64 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 He came back to you then pulled away because his ego couldn't let you be the one to end it. That's about power and control. Plain and simple. This is SO true....plain and simple is right. I am only at day 2 NC.....it hurts, it is so ridiculous how bad....hang in there all those trying NC. We Can Do This! We need to listen to all this advice.......none of it matters...re: needing to email to get last words, tell them off, ask if they are missing us....blah blah blah. It doesn't matter....the situation is bad, hurtful, wrong, heartless and full of lies. It doesn't matter.
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