Eternal Sunshine Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 My bf has plans to go to Europe in July for 4 weeks with 4 other guys before he met me. Those were vague plans and they didn't book anything at the time. Two weeks after we started dating, they booked the tickets. He told me about this trip few days later and just said "I hope you are OK with it and it was planed well in advance etc etc". I was cool with it at the time. Now I am starting to have doubts. Four weeks in Europe, going to clubs and pubs with all the girls all over them??? I was hoping he will cancel the trip but he is still going. I joked tonight that perhaps we should give each other "hall pass" while he is away (like that movie). He kept asking me if *I* want the hall pass and said that he doesn't want it. Does this mean that he is not serious about me?
Imajerk17 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 (edited) Chill out. It's no worse than waiting to sleep with your boyfriend, while offering another guy NSA sex 3 days before becoming exclusive. My point is that you need to prove yourself to be a good woman before a guy goes "all in" with you, and you DEFINITELY have NOT yet. Edited April 9, 2011 by Imajerk17
veggirl Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Seriously? First of all, you clearly weren't "joking" when you suggested the hall pass thing. You were testing him. Second of all, WHY would he cancel a trip he planned and BOOKED before he met you?! HOW does him going on a pre-planned trip indicate ANYTHING about how he feels for you? Jeepers.
TuffCookieX Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Seriously? First of all, you clearly weren't "joking" when you suggested the hall pass thing. You were testing him. Second of all, WHY would he cancel a trip he planned and BOOKED before he met you?! HOW does him going on a pre-planned trip indicate ANYTHING about how he feels for you? Jeepers. According to the OP, the vaca wasn't booked until they were already dating for 2 weeks. It was only in the planning process before they met. I think you'd seem like a really cool girlfriend to him if you totally trusted him. The more you trust him, the more he'll be excited to come back home and see you.
anne1707 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Two weeks after we started dating, they booked the tickets. He told me about this trip few days later and just said "I hope you are OK with it and it was planed well in advance etc etc". Two weeks after you started dating? Is that 2 weeks after you had both agreed you were exclusive or 2 weeks after you had first met and whilst you were offering another man NSA sex?
veggirl Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Oh sorry okay they had been dating for 2 wks. Is that supposed to take precedence over a trip he was planning with his friends? a 2wk old relationship? Tuffcookie, sorry if I misunderstood your post, but that's the impression I got from it ?
Kelvin Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 He kept asking me if *I* want the hall pass and said that he doesn't want it. Does this mean that he is not serious about me? You have to be joking with us right? You told him that you want to sleep with other people while he's gone. That's why he kept asking. He couldn't believe what you said. If I were him, I would have broken up with you right then. He doesn't need a hall pass. Your relationship will be history long before he goes on this trip.
Imajerk17 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Two weeks after you started dating? Is that 2 weeks after you had both agreed you were exclusive or 2 weeks after you had first met and whilst you were offering another man NSA sex? They're almost the same thing. She offered another guy NSA sex 72 hours before she became exclusive with her current boyfriend. Just 72 hours. I know, her boyfriend is one lucky guy eh. We also need to consider the history of this woman. This woman has been banned several times. She keeps coming back though, with a new username. I know, Train Wreck.
oaks Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 I joked tonight that perhaps we should give each other "hall pass" while he is away (like that movie). He kept asking me if *I* want the hall pass and said that he doesn't want it. Does this mean that he is not serious about me? You brought up the hall pass idea. Who's not serious about the relationship?
Imajerk17 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 I seriously am concerned for Eternal Sunshine's boyfriend. He doesn't know what he is getting himself into. And it won't be fixed until Eternal Sunshine does the serious work on herself and gets therapy.
threebyfate Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 ES, I think it's proof that he had plans to go on vacation with his friends. Beyond that, it's possible there's correlation but not indicative of causation. But I do recall a time in a similar situation where I was supposed to go with the girls on vacation and cancelled, due to a guy. In retrospect, what a stupid move on my part!
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 I seriously am concerned for Eternal Sunshine's boyfriend. He doesn't know what he is getting himself into. And it won't be fixed until Eternal Sunshine does the serious work on herself and gets therapy. I am seriously concerned for you. Not being able to get ANY girl to pay you any attention must really suck Hope you feel better and don't feel the need to take your frustrations on other people.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 Everything else is perfect. I have seen him 4 nights week this week and am seeing him again in a few hours
neiu Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 lol...sometimes you guys can be pretty harsh. anyway, sunshine you need to relax. asking him to cancel plans is just ridiculous. to ask him to not live his life means you obviously have no trust for him. i mean yes there is a point to how far things go but unfortunately i don't think you are exactly in a position to dictate his life. yeah you'll miss him and you'll think about what he's doing but that just means you need to get a life to keep busy. if you don't have trust, you've got nothing
Hules Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) Eternal I've noticed you seem to find excuses to cause trouble in your own relationships when there seems to be no issue. So he was planning his trip with some friends before he met you and only confirmed the details after you two started seeing each other. I very much doubt it has anything to do with him not been committed. One of my closest friends did the same thing we had been planning a trip for about 6 months and never got around to booking the tickets. We finally did book tickets a month after he started seeing his current girlfriend (they are going 3 years strong now btw). It had nothing to do with him not been committed. In fact I would be more worried if your BF had of canceled the trip because of you. That means hes making you the center of his life. So some honest advice for you: 1) Stop over analyzing stuff, its not healthy. 2) Don't say stupid crap, even if its joking about "hall passes" (most likely you are sub-consciously testing him). If a girl I was seeing said something like that to me it would... concern me to say the least. (If anything comments like this would make me second guess been committed to a relationship). 3) Stop trying to find problems with your relationships when there isn't, enjoy your man. 4) Calm Down, Relax, Everything is ok I promise. Edited April 10, 2011 by Hules
Thedude22 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 It's friggin four weeks, lay off. Plus let's say he does screw some German babe or something. Who cares? He will likely never see or talk to that person ever again and she surely isn't competition.
P&R Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 It's friggin four weeks, lay off. Plus let's say he does screw some German babe or something. Who cares? He will likely never see or talk to that person ever again and she surely isn't competition. Just because he would never see that German girl again doesn't make it OK. That is cheating in any non-open relationship. And as for Eternal Sunshine... Chill out. He planned this out before he met you, and he finalized his plans before you guys were even serious. Meanwhile, 72 hours before you became exclusive with him you tried to get NSA sex from a guy. Planning a trip to Europe is harmless.
Ariadne Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 My bf has plans to go to Europe in July for 4 weeks with 4 other guys... You sound like Lauriebell when she was asking about the bf hanging out with the friends. (Then you are going to be like her getting married ) Congrats on the relationship! Best wishes!
oaks Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 My bf has plans to go to Europe in July for 4 weeks with 4 other guys before he met me. I'm sure there are enough LSers in Europe - we can check up on him for you. Just post his itinerary.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Aw he is just the best and sweetest guy ever. I am falling in love with him He actually cares about ME past just a sex object. He is constantly checking if I am cold, hungry, having a good time.... He genuinely worries when I am feeling sick..most of his compliments are to do with my intelligence and personality...he is constantly hugging me, holding my hand, playing with my hair etc in public I have just spent a relaxed evening visiting his best friend's mum with him and his brother. He is so eager to introduce me to everyone as his girlfriend. I am not going to worry about the trip for the time being.
Star Gazer Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Does this mean that he is not serious about me? No, it means that you still have unrealistic expectations for your relationship and of your BF. You've only known the guy like 5 weeks or something, and you're expecting him to give up a trip of a lifetime with his friends?!? Everyone deserves to have a life outside their relationship...
zengirl Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 My bf has plans to go to Europe in July for 4 weeks with 4 other guys before he met me. Those were vague plans and they didn't book anything at the time. Two weeks after we started dating, they booked the tickets. He told me about this trip few days later and just said "I hope you are OK with it and it was planed well in advance etc etc". I was cool with it at the time. Now I am starting to have doubts. Four weeks in Europe, going to clubs and pubs with all the girls all over them??? I was hoping he will cancel the trip but he is still going. I joked tonight that perhaps we should give each other "hall pass" while he is away (like that movie). He kept asking me if *I* want the hall pass and said that he doesn't want it. Does this mean that he is not serious about me? Oy. Relationship or no relationship, I hope you are working on YOUR issues ES; until you do, you will never know whether the relationships are making you feel insecure or your insecurity is just hindering relationships. Likely, it's not usually an either/or, but rather they feed each other and coexist. Still, and I am not saying this as an attack, the first thing I would usually tell someone is "Is this making you happy? Do you want to feel this way?" and then say, "Well, consider the relationship based on that fact." HOWEVER, I'm not really sure anyone could make you feel secure until you feel secure in yourself. (I don't mean this in a mean way. Really.) All of that said, he's going to Europe with 3 male buddies. That's perfectly acceptable behavior. Why do you automatically assume he's going to have girls all over him? Does he normally flirt with every girl he sees? Has he done anything to provoke this jealousy? I would never assume that if a guy was going on a trip to Europe with his friends. There's plenty to do in Europe besides bang the locals, and if he's made a commitment to you, I'd assume he'd honor it. If there's any legitimate reason to assume he cheats, I suggest you not date him; if he's never given you reason to believe he'd cheat, I suggest you not worry about it. It really is that simple and cut and dry. It's a long time, sure, so you have the right to be a little disappointed and miss him, in the selfish part of you (though be happy he has something to be excited for too). But expecting him to cancel the trip seems very extreme to me. And yes, the Hall Pass thing sounds like a "love test." Man, "love tests" suck from either side. They never bring anything good. I've given them. With my last boyfriend, when differences came up, I would say, "So, do you want to break up?" I don't think I'll do this anymore. I'm not saying he and I would still be together (in the end, I broke up with him for an entirely different reason) but it definitely created some problems and drama I could've done without. It's hard to give up "love tests" entirely if you're used to giving them----changing your nature is always hard----but I'm going to. I think it'll make me happier. And the Hall Pass is a love test just like my "So, should we break up?" is. Also, that movie was terrible! Why would you reference it? My advice is to chill out. Work on you. See where your insecurities and bad feelings come from (if it's within, patch that up; if it's from him, dump him --- someone who makes you feel badly is never good for you --- but I don't see anything to indicate it's him, really).
welikeincrowds Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I like how the very first response is about the NSA sex thing. Every time you update, we seem to get a new hint of how you've tested your SO, whoever that may be. On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your sense of security?
Star Gazer Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 ES, you've previously said you were looking into therapy. Have you gone yet? This would be a perfect subject of conversation to address with your therapist.
Chocolat Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I joked tonight that perhaps we should give each other "hall pass" while he is away (like that movie). He kept asking me if *I* want the hall pass and said that he doesn't want it. Does this mean that he is not serious about me? Hi ES, I think you should reassure your bf that you do not want a Hall Pass for yourself. I understand you probably said this out of a need to hear him reassure you that he does not need/want one, but that's not necessarily how he heard it. Base don his response, it sounds as though he is concerned that you won't remain faithful while he is away and that's why he "kept asking." Although it may feel reassuring that he is worried about you, this is not a good (or nice) way to leave him. Far better to let him know that you don't want a Hall Pass and that you have complete faith that he does not, either. One thing to keep in mind is that people are more likely to work to live up to your expectations than work to disprove them. If he goes on his trip thinking youdon't trust hm and wondering whether he can trust you, he is more likely to stray than if he goes with the understanding that you are he are able to weather such events comfortably.
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