zengirl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Yeah I regularly update my profile etc. because I know it will make me show up in the feed. But, this only gets me views, never actual messages. What I take away from what I bolded is that a) maybe I should have someone edit my profile, spruce it up a bit if possible and b) women don't want to date me. The first part can probably be dealt with the second part is kind of demoralizing. Well, it can also be your area. (When I lived in Japan, nobody wrote me!) Or maybe the KIND of women who would want to date you aren't the kind of women who approach (some still don't --- I think they're silly, but they do exist). I'm not saying any man or woman who can't do well online is doomed to datelessness and/or is undateable. That'd be silly. My female roommate who is very pretty and now has a great boyfriend had only a few guys message her the whole couple months she was on there and some of those were the usual "hi" or sexual come-on stuff. She had no luck at all. I only use OKC because it's the only site where I think I have "luck" and there are good potential matches --- the kind of guys who I like and who like me. It's not about attracting the masses; it's about attracting the right person. For some people, nowhere online will work for that.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Well, it can also be your area. (When I lived in Japan, nobody wrote me!) Or maybe the KIND of women who would want to date you aren't the kind of women who approach (some still don't --- I think they're silly, but they do exist). I'm not saying any man or woman who can't do well online is doomed to datelessness and/or is undateable. That'd be silly. My female roommate who is very pretty and now has a great boyfriend had only a few guys message her the whole couple months she was on there and some of those were the usual "hi" or sexual come-on stuff. She had no luck at all. I only use OKC because it's the only site where I think I have "luck" and there are good potential matches --- the kind of guys who I like and who like me. It's not about attracting the masses; it's about attracting the right person. For some people, nowhere online will work for that. Unfortunately I have no idea where to look otherwise. Finding dates has been like looking for a needle in a stack of needles for me. I'll keep what you said in mind though.
zengirl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Unfortunately I have no idea where to look otherwise. Finding dates has been like looking for a needle in a stack of needles for me. I'll keep what you said in mind though. What do you love to do? I really have fun with OKC. I like the questions and I like writing, so I like writing journals and updating my profile, and I LOVE reading other people's writing and can be very attracted to someone through writing, so I think that's one reason it works for me so well. My pretty female roommate didn't like any of this and found it kind of difficult, so it's no wonder it worked poorly for her. Instead, she met her boyfriend in a community group dedicated to comedy and theatre (performing). Do stuff you love. Meet people who are awesome. Even if they aren't necessarily IN those groups, if you build a life full of great things you love to do with lots of people, you're likely to meet girls who you can ask out, I'd think. That's what I see work, at least. I like online dating not because of a lack of opportunity elsewhere (I think the people who are frustrated with it are the people who use it this way) but because I love being able to read about a guy before I date him, because I respond to writing so well (I have even dated a few journalists and such) as someone who studied writing, teaches writing/reading, loves it, etc. I love statistics too so I geek out on OKC and try to figure out their algorithims. It's fun. If it was frustrating for me, I wouldn't do it.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I think guys are giving up on writing girls, because they never get any response. And they don't respond to messages, because it's from girls they're not attracted to. Unless you look like a model, online dating won't work for you. Unless you dip WAY below your standards.
Intricategirl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I think guys are giving up on writing girls, because they never get any response. And they don't respond to messages, because it's from girls they're not attracted to. Unless you look like a model, online dating won't work for you. Unless you dip WAY below your standards. Guess I look like a model. 'Cause I never give up on my standards, and I've got several quality guys I'm chatting with. Or, and I'm just thinking out loud here, you might be wrong. None of the guys I'm writing have given up. They respond to messages just fine. I'm going to guess that they're interested, or we wouldn't be talking.
zengirl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I think guys are giving up on writing girls, because they never get any response. And they don't respond to messages, because it's from girls they're not attracted to. Unless you look like a model, online dating won't work for you. Unless you dip WAY below your standards. No guy I've ever written on OKC 'looks like a model.' Generally speaking, yes, every guy I wrote for romantic purposes was attractive to me, but plenty of them --- and plenty of guys I've gone out with or found cute elsewhere --- were guys my friends were like, "Him? Really? I mean, he's okay, but. . . " Attractiveness simply is subjective. Granted, there are people who are generally considered attractive, people who are generally considered unattractive, and then the vast middle. I think for men "the vast middle" is fairly large. I have friends who think guys are super "hot" and I don't get it at all. And I only can tell a little bit about chemistry from the pictures anyway (if I don't think, "Yeah, he's cute," I'm not going to write a guy, of course, or agree to go out with him if he's written me), so I also rely pretty heavily on what people write, how they write it, what they like, what they say (or don't say) they want. If a guy paid attention to what was in my profile is a big part of this --- I'm not saying that alone is enough, of course. I know that in the relationship I want, I want a man who is really truly facinated by me (and I feel the same when I'm with someone) and wants to know what I think, who I am, what I did----he finds me a wonderful, fantastic book he wants to devour and re-read time and again. That's how I want to feel. A man who cannot even read all the way through my OKC profile definitely doesn't make me feel that way. And a man who hasn't written anything doesn't engage me and make me want to learn more about him either.
Intricategirl Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 I also rely pretty heavily on what people write, how they write it, what they like, what they say (or don't say) they want. And this gets to the heart of why I'm picky about this aspect of online dating. This is a guy's virtual appearance. This is how he presents himself. Which ultimately gets at this is what he wants me to know about him. So the guy that wrote me today, who is a dead-ringer for Leonardo Dicaprio, but left a "Hey, How's it going?" and has a profile that says "I hate filling these things out, if you want to know something, just ask"- I'm leaving him alone. His dating presentation is the personality equivalent of mom jeans and band tee. He hasn't taken the time, kind of looks like crap, and ultimately utters the phrase, "Well what's wrong with it?!"
Crazy Magnet Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Sheer volume of messages keeps me from replying. I don't have 2 or 3 hours a day to dedicate to writing people back.
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