PinkInTheLimo Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 So why don't you respond to emails when online dating? I don't respond to: 1) "Hi" or "How are you doing?" There has to be something more. 2) Sexual content, even subtle sexual content. 3) Outside of my area. I don't want a LDR and said so, so don't write me from Milwaukee. 4) Too young or old. I have an age range; I'll consider outside by a couple years, but not by much. I'm neither a cougar or a trophy wife. 5) Unattractive. I don't mind men up to 250 lbs, but fat--no. I don't like scraggly beards or goatees particularly with a baseball cap and an oversized tshirt. Also, if you say you are 50 but look 65, I will not respond. And I just don't like soft round faces on men especially with a pouch under the chin. It's just me. I also don't like men smaller than me. Short doesn't matter 5'7" is ok, but be stocky, have some heft. I don't want to be able to blow you away. And no matter how tall, your hips have to be wider than mine (no hard, my hips are narrow). 6) Illiterate. All spelling doesn't have to be perfect, but if you spell phonetically it tells me something about you. I'm not a snob, but I have two masters degrees and a LOT of other specialize education. You have to be in my league education wise and professionally. You have to have something to talk about, you have to have something you've done with your life. 30 years on a construction team from when you dropped out of HS isn't going to do it. 7) Overtly religious. Or strangely new age. 8) Emails that clearly have been sent to every other new women with fill in the blanks. BTW, what's up with all these guys 40-50 who have a goatee. It's such a turn-off. I prefer a well-kept beard to that any time (not that I like a beard but it's better than this - I try so hard to be cool and young - goatee).
WellLetsSee Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) There are so many reasons why I do not respond and they depend a lot on my mood. I just go with the last mail I have received today, ok? I didnt answer it, because the guy is a bit old (46). Actually I might even consider answering someone in that range, if he had looks that I like and a profile that shows the kind of person that I like and that interests me. But only looking at his pic I felt disgust. He is actually not that bad looking but I utterly dislike the kind of person he seems to be. Edited April 10, 2011 by WellLetsSee Spelling
Ross MwcFan Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 If I found her unnatractive. If she lived in a different country (why complicate things?). If she was a prude.
irc333 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) Creative photo angles hiding the torso. Yeah, what's with these ariel views taken from above their heads looking up at the camera? So why don't you respond to emails when online dating? Chronic obesity...that's pretty much it. I'm an average sized guy, but if I get an email from a woman that's bigger than I am, well...I might not respond. Also, I've noticed this with the overweight. They like to crop out their double chins in close up head shots, they crop out their pictures vertically sot hey appear thin Or a picture taken of them making a cute post sticking part of themselves from behind a tree or doorway. Squatting down with a kid or a pet in front of them, covering themselves up. Things like that. Edited April 10, 2011 by irc333
interfuse Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 1. Guys I suspect that only want sex or sexual stuff. 2. Creepy guys that I am even afraid to talk to let alone reply back. 3. Guys who are more than 5 years older than me and really old guys that are too old to be my dad. 4. Guys that live in other states. 5. Guys with poorly written profiles and I mean really poorly written profiles. 6. Guys who are alcoholics, do drugs, and smoke. 7. Christian guys that take Christianity too seriously. I can't be with a guy who needs me to put a religion as my very first priority. I think I consider myself an atheist or at least someone that's totally not religious at all. 8. Guys that have kids even though I haven't gotten a guy with kids that messaged me. Anyways, I cannot date a guy who has kids. 9. Looks count too.
Disillusioned Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I'd only respond to messages from women who agree to a preliminary interview. Everyone else AFAIC is just another flake.
zengirl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 If a guy writes a sincere, decent-length (a couple sentences at least, no "hi, how are u" crap) message to me with nothing inappropriate or creepy (no sexual stuff), and is single and within my age range which is CLEARLY specified on my profile, per the system, I will usually at least respond to say "No thank you." Sometimes even when an old guy writes me, I message back and say, "No. You're too old. See: My age range." But that's not really to be nice but more because it annoys me that they didn't respect my age range boundary in the first place. So, reasons to not get a (first) message back aren't that many (1) You didn't write enough, (2) You have a completely blank profile -- even then, I've said, "Fill in your profile before you write people" in a response message, (3) You are too old and can't read and/or respect my boundaries, (4) You're not single AND didn't clearly specify you were writing me for a purely non-romantic reason (Seeing Someone and writing me because you've seen me around town and know some of my friends is fine, and that's happened---I've even had single, straight gals write me and become friends with me through OKC), or (5) You said something creepy and inappropriate. I try not to be rude and just ignore people. In terms of not going out with someone---I've decided that I'm basing it purely on if I'm interested or not, for whatever reason, with no apologies. Sometimes there's a clear reason (Not attractive. Or 'This guy says he doesn't want kids. I do. We'd be wasting our time.' Or no college degree.). Sometimes I just don't dig their profile or feel 'drawn' to it. I've pushed myself to go out with guys anyway before and I've NEVER thought, "Wow, glad I did!" So, my instincts have been generally right and led me generally good places, and I respect them. (If you cannot say the same about your instincts, I'd say that's a different story. All depends on where you are in life, I guess.) But I don't feel like anyone "deserves" a date or a chance or whatever if I'm not into it. I "deserve" not to have to pretend to be into it, and they deserve an honest "No, thanks." Sometimes, I try to give the reason --- either nicely, if they seem like a nice, sincere person, or curtly with certain issues (age, mentioned above) if I feel they disrespected me in some mild way --- but mostly I just say thanks, no, and good luck. Oh and I'm sorry, but it's stupid to judge men based on saying,"Hi" or writing generic letters that they send to a bunch of women. Men have a lot of pressure on dating sites since they usually initiate the conversation and get very few replies after messaging a lot of people. Why are they messaging so many people? I write guys too but I'd only write the guys I'd actually want to go out with. If a guy wants to go out with THAT many women on the dating site, he's just looking for a placeholder. Or he wants to not have to read/really assess to whittle down the connection (I wrote a whole long profile and answered lots of questions with the little explanations, so I expect you to have read it if you contact me!). Neither is attractive to me. As far as "Hi." I've no interest in responding to "Hi." That said, I think it's fine if a guy has a profile that expresses who he is, and he writes me saying, "Hey, read my profile, and if you're interested write me back." along with one sentence that expresses why he wrote: i.e. "I find you interesting because _________________" or asking a question about something on my page. I don't expect the guy to write a book in a first message, but I don't want to "chat" with someone random. Write a good profile. Read mine. Write a sentence to let me know you're at least pretending you've read mine. I'll read yours. We'll talk if we both like what we see. A guy who just writes "Hi" is not good at expressing himself. To me, that would not lead to the kind of relationship -- an expressive and warm and communicative one -- that I desire. If "Hi" guys are fine for you, that's fine, but I can see why it'd bother the OP. It bothers me too.
notuneak Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Wow, people are picky! I respond to anyone who puts in the effort to message me as long as they are polite. It only takes a second. By ruling out guys who just say hi, you may be missing some real gems. Give the guys a chance, ladies. They get ignored and turned down a lot.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I have only not responded to one email on a dating site. It was sent by someone without a picture who was much older than me and lived extremely far away, and the email didn't give me much to respond to. It was a no-win situation on all counts. I will respond to any email except one like that one. I think it's just common courtesy to respond when someone is communicating with you, and besides I'm a genuinely friendly guy. I rarely get contacted first so I don't usually have to respond back to an email. All of that being said, given that many women on dating sites get inundated with a million emails I completely understand why someone might not email back when I message them. You win some you lose some, although some lose a lot more often than they win.
sigurpol Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 No matter how good her message is, if I don't find her attractive I'm not responding. It's all visual for me, dates are for figuring out the rest. This. Aside from all that, I'll get picky how things are typed. But that's never a deal breaker.. just something I make a note of
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Wow, people are picky! I respond to anyone who puts in the effort to message me as long as they are polite. It only takes a second. By ruling out guys who just say hi, you may be missing some real gems. Give the guys a chance, ladies. They get ignored and turned down a lot. Guys get ignored and turned down because they don't do enough of an effort!!! I highly doubt that the man who starts with a mail which says "Hi" will be an interesting chap in real life. They are just lazy and/or have supersensitive egos. I am on a datingsite where people can send a standard message saying you are interested. It is clearly mentioned in my profile that I don't want to receive such messages because I want a personal message even if it is just a couple of lines. But of course, I still keep getting these standard messages and that means that these guys simply ignore what is written in my profile (meaning they just see my pic and hup, quickly standard message, if we send enough of them, one woman will surely react). I sometimes react to such a standard message asking them why on earth they send a standard message if it is clearly mentioned in my profile that I don't want those. One guy answered me that booh-hooh, he had sent personal messages but the ladies did not answer. So what? Happens to everyone on datingsites but damn it, I take pride in sending a nice message to someone with an interesting profile and if I don't get a reaction, so be it. Others can only send such a message because they don't have a full subscription. But I as a full member can send them a message and they can reply with a personal message to that one. Only, I don't like guys who are too greedy to make themselves a full member because it really is not expensive. These guys hope you will answer and then in the next mail they give their email so that a contact is established without them having to pay a dime. Sorry that's having someone else pay for your full subscription to this dating site... Is this the kind of guy who will never invite you for dinner (for the record, I am definitely not a woman who wants a guy to pay for me all the time).
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Guys get ignored and turned down because they don't do enough of an effort!!! I highly doubt that the man who starts with a mail which says "Hi" will be an interesting chap in real life. They are just lazy and/or have supersensitive egos. I am on a datingsite where people can send a standard message saying you are interested. It is clearly mentioned in my profile that I don't want to receive such messages because I want a personal message even if it is just a couple of lines. But of course, I still keep getting these standard messages and that means that these guys simply ignore what is written in my profile (meaning they just see my pic and hup, quickly standard message, if we send enough of them, one woman will surely react). I sometimes react to such a standard message asking them why on earth they send a standard message if it is clearly mentioned in my profile that I don't want those. One guy answered me that booh-hooh, he had sent personal messages but the ladies did not answer. So what? Happens to everyone on datingsites but damn it, I take pride in sending a nice message to someone with an interesting profile and if I don't get a reaction, so be it. Others can only send such a message because they don't have a full subscription. But I as a full member can send them a message and they can reply with a personal message to that one. Only, I don't like guys who are too greedy to make themselves a full member because it really is not expensive. These guys hope you will answer and then in the next mail they give their email so that a contact is established without them having to pay a dime. Sorry that's having someone else pay for your full subscription to this dating site... Is this the kind of guy who will never invite you for dinner (for the record, I am definitely not a woman who wants a guy to pay for me all the time). I don't know, I'm something like one for my last 20 in terms of responses to my messages. Every one of those messages was a personal well thought out message unique to that person, this is how I've always done it. I certainly agree with you that guys who don't write personal emails often get ignored but that can't be the only reason.
interfuse Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Wow, people are picky! I respond to anyone who puts in the effort to message me as long as they are polite. It only takes a second. By ruling out guys who just say hi, you may be missing some real gems. Give the guys a chance, ladies. They get ignored and turned down a lot. I respond to guys who say hi, but of course ones I'm attracted to. I mean hey at least they made the first move it's good. Again it depends on their profile too. If their profile is well typed, and they just message me a hi then why not reply back to him? I would. I hate how I'm the one making the first moves and I hate to agree Sivok, but it's true. If I find the guy unattractive I won't message him. If an attractive guy just messages hi, yes I will respond. If a really overweight guy that looks 10 years older than his age, shorter than me, and balding messages me a well-thought out response, sorry I won't message him back. I'm not attracted to those types. Other people probably will be, but just not me.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Righto. So they write, "Hi." Fine. I write back. "Hi." And I never hear from them again. Am I to carry the relationship? Do all the work? Do I have to drag word two and three and four out of him? Can we work up to a whole sentence? No thank you. Relationships are reciprocal. They have to put something into it. If you aren't good at email conversation, and I sympathize because I'm not, then say so and suggest a meeting. That way I can see your mischievious smile and the twinkle in your eye. "How are you." "Fine, how are you." His turn...guess what? They don't write back. As for the degree... A degree is not necessary. My first husband didn't have a degree, but he had a profession, and later taught himself computers and worked himself up to the top computer guy of a major auto company. He DID something. He made something of himself. Another guy once or twice I dated also had no degrees, did 20 years in the military rising in the ranks, got out and became a high level executive for another company you've all heard of. A degree isn't necessary but having DONE something, DOING something is, having made something of yourself is. If they end the conversation, then you're not actually rejecting them. They are rejecting you. Girls who are rejecting guys don't respond back.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Wow, people are picky! I respond to anyone who puts in the effort to message me as long as they are polite. It only takes a second. By ruling out guys who just say hi, you may be missing some real gems. Give the guys a chance, ladies. They get ignored and turned down a lot. I agree with you! Like I said on another thread, the best date I ever went on from an online site was with a guy who was so illiterate that I could hardly understand the things he wrote to me. He was actually very intelligent in person and a wonderful, romantic man, but English wasn't his first language and he had struggled with dyslexia and spelling. But did I know that when he first wrote to me? No. That's why I don't understand why people are rejecting people because they aren't witty in their messages. The worst date I went on was with a man who was extremely witty and interesting online. In person, he was awful and definitely not witty and hard to talk to.
Enchanted Girl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) Why are they messaging so many people? I write guys too but I'd only write the guys I'd actually want to go out with. If a guy wants to go out with THAT many women on the dating site, he's just looking for a placeholder. Or he wants to not have to read/really assess to whittle down the connection (I wrote a whole long profile and answered lots of questions with the little explanations, so I expect you to have read it if you contact me!). Neither is attractive to me. As far as "Hi." I've no interest in responding to "Hi." That said, I think it's fine if a guy has a profile that expresses who he is, and he writes me saying, "Hey, read my profile, and if you're interested write me back." along with one sentence that expresses why he wrote: i.e. "I find you interesting because _________________" or asking a question about something on my page. I don't expect the guy to write a book in a first message, but I don't want to "chat" with someone random. Write a good profile. Read mine. Write a sentence to let me know you're at least pretending you've read mine. I'll read yours. We'll talk if we both like what we see. A guy who just writes "Hi" is not good at expressing himself. To me, that would not lead to the kind of relationship -- an expressive and warm and communicative one -- that I desire. If "Hi" guys are fine for you, that's fine, but I can see why it'd bother the OP. It bothers me too. You are thinking of online dating in the way a girl thinks of it. When we go on dating sites or just with dating in general, we get to sit back and wait for guys to approach us, send us messages, and come up with everything. All we have to do is either accept or reject. We choose who we want or not. With men, whether it's in person or online dating, they usually have to ask out several girls before one of them says "Yes." We're just responding to men. So when several approach you, you can be picky. They have to actually go out and search for someone, so they approach several different people since the majority of them say no. They need to put themselves out there a whole lot if they want any kind of response from women. I think you haven't put yourself in a man's shoes. I'm a woman who just recently started getting pursued by men. I used to have to do all the pursuing in the past, that's why I understand both sides of things. It's a lot harder to do the pursuing and you face a lot more rejection and can't be as picky. This is probably why I've never been mean to guys who approach me. Edited April 10, 2011 by Enchanted Girl
Leeway Harris Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Heh. Lots of interesting responses in this thread. I've given up wondering why I didn't get responses, mostly. If I keep torturing myself about it, I'll go crazy. But whatever it is, it's not for any of the reasons mentioned in this thread. It's something intangible, obviously. Something about me that makes women go "umm... no." In any case, nobody has ever been honest or straightforward enough to tell me what it was, and I'm not going to figure it out on my own.
zengirl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 You are thinking of online dating in the way a girl thinks of it. When we go on dating sites or just with dating in general, we get to sit back and wait for guys to approach us, send us messages, and come up with everything. All we have to do is either accept or reject. We choose who we want or not. I message guys all the time---guys I like. My exBF (who I met on OKC and messaged first) has never messaged a girl and has dated several girls off the site. (His income isn't listed and he's 5'9'' and while I certainly found him very attractive, he isn't Brad Pitt or anything; he's just a normal guy.) Men may not get dozens of lame messages a day like I do, but a lot of the guys I know on OKC get the same number of quality first messages that I do. And I don't just "sit back." Other generations might be different, of course, but for younger people, I don't think all women just wait for guys to write them. With men, whether it's in person or online dating, they usually have to ask out several girls before one of them says "Yes." So? Guys have told me "No" too (or not written back). They have to actually go out and search for someone, so they approach several different people since the majority of them say no. They need to put themselves out there a whole lot if they want any kind of response from women. Right, but they should still only put themselves out there for a girl they WANT to date. I took a lot of time on my profile. I always read all of someone's profile before writing them and/or responding to them, and I always write a real message. I expect the same as I give. I'm not saying they need to write me a book (most of the info I need will be in their profile) but a few lines stating their intent and why they're contacting me is required, yes. That takes less than 5 minutes. Reading my profile takes maybe 10-15. If a guy wants to ask me out, he should take at least 20 minutes to get to know me and articulate why. I would certainly do the same. Most profiles take much less, because I find I'm not interested for whatever reason. I suppose I find it important to take dating seriously. Mainly: I don't want guys talking to me just because I'm pretty. Online dating is a GREAT way to weed those guys out, especially by only talking to those who have expressed a genuine reason for contacting ME, in particular. If that's not what you want, and you're cool with "hi" messages, that's okay, but understand that other people want different things. I think you haven't put yourself in a man's shoes. No, I understand their specific challenges and advantages re: dating and re: online dating in particular. It just doesn't sway my opinion. I'm a woman who just recently started getting pursued by men. I used to have to do all the pursuing in the past, that's why I understand both sides of things. It's a lot harder to do the pursuing and you face a lot more rejection and can't be as picky. This is probably why I've never been mean to guys who approach me. Well, I am only mean to the ones I feel are disrespectful. I only ignore the ones who put in no effort and were dismissive in their approach and/or ignored my boundaries. I have both pursued and been pursued. I find there are advantages and disadvantages to both.
Leeway Harris Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Do you feel like putting your profile up here? Who, me? I can't, the profile's history. I deleted it a month or so ago, even started a thread here to celebrate. I've been mentally toying with the idea of putting up another one on OKC, but that's only because I have nothing else going on right now. I'd rather find a more productive way to spend all this time I have on my hands.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I message guys all the time---guys I like. My exBF (who I met on OKC and messaged first) has never messaged a girl and has dated several girls off the site. (His income isn't listed and he's 5'9'' and while I certainly found him very attractive, he isn't Brad Pitt or anything; he's just a normal guy.) Men may not get dozens of lame messages a day like I do, but a lot of the guys I know on OKC get the same number of quality first messages that I do. And I don't just "sit back." Other generations might be different, of course, but for younger people, I don't think all women just wait for guys to write them. I'm a young person. Since May 2010 a total of four women have messaged me first. How many guys have messaged you first?
zengirl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I'm a young person. Since May 2010 a total of four women have messaged me first. How many guys have messaged you first? More than that, sure (though not that many more, since my profile was down for 8 months while I was in a relationship). Though in terms of quality messages---probably only a handful a month. I'd say about 2 so far this month who are interesting (maybe about 5 or 6 wrote real messages but weren't interesting to me, so they got a "No thnaks"). Most of the guys I've met who are interesting or even write real messages, I had to message first. You cannot compare any girl to any guy. I would say I'm a fairly popular member. My roommates were both on (male and female) and my MALE roommate got more messages than my female roommate. I got more first messages (even quality) than both of them, but . . . (a) I write good profiles and (b) lots of guys want to date me. (As to "a" when I've re-written friends' profiles for them, they've always gotten more messages.) I also know how to game the OKC platform a bit, so that I show up in more feeds by being an active user, putting up new pictures regularly, editing my profile, answering questions at least once a week, and adding new journals. The more stuff you do, the more they show you in the feeds, the more likely people are to see you.
OliveOyl Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I think "hi" or "how r u" messages are pretty lame. However, I still would respond if I checked out their profile and there seemed to be a possibility there. I do understand for guys that it's exhausting to spend 20 minutes reading a profile and writing a customized message if the response rate is very low. I'm the kind of person who is prone to spending half an hour writing a well crafted message or response, agonizing about each word. I think if I had to initiate all the time I can see how it's just tempting to send out "hi" messages. The middle ground, in my opinion, is creating a template initial message and sending that out.
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 More than that, sure (though not that many more, since my profile was down for 8 months while I was in a relationship). Though in terms of quality messages---probably only a handful a month. I'd say about 2 so far this month who are interesting (maybe about 5 or 6 wrote real messages but weren't interesting to me, so they got a "No thnaks"). Most of the guys I've met who are interesting or even write real messages, I had to message first. You cannot compare any girl to any guy. I would say I'm a fairly popular member. My roommates were both on (male and female) and my MALE roommate got more messages than my female roommate. I got more first messages (even quality) than both of them, but . . . (a) I write good profiles and (b) lots of guys want to date me. (As to "a" when I've re-written friends' profiles for them, they've always gotten more messages.) I also know how to game the OKC platform a bit, so that I show up in more feeds by being an active user, putting up new pictures regularly, editing my profile, answering questions at least once a week, and adding new journals. The more stuff you do, the more they show you in the feeds, the more likely people are to see you. Yeah I regularly update my profile etc. because I know it will make me show up in the feed. But, this only gets me views, never actual messages. What I take away from what I bolded is that a) maybe I should have someone edit my profile, spruce it up a bit if possible and b) women don't want to date me. The first part can probably be dealt with the second part is kind of demoralizing.
Leeway Harris Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 What I take away from what I bolded is that a) maybe I should have someone edit my profile, spruce it up a bit if possible and b) women don't want to date me. The first part can probably be dealt with the second part is kind of demoralizing. Demoralizing. Yes, that's the perfect word to describe online dating. Actually all dating, when you think about it. For most of us, anyway. Zengirl is apparently attractive and popular enough that she has a different set of problems than the rest of us.
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