Men and Women: Why Don't You Respond?

[MarlyStar]

So why don't you respond to emails when online dating?

 

I don't respond to:

 

1) "Hi" or "How are you doing?" There has to be something more.

 

2) Sexual content, even subtle sexual content.

 

3) Outside of my area. I don't want a LDR and said so, so don't write me from Milwaukee.

 

4) Too young or old. I have an age range; I'll consider outside by a couple years, but not by much. I'm neither a cougar or a trophy wife.

 

5) Unattractive. I don't mind men up to 250 lbs, but fat--no. I don't like scraggly beards or goatees particularly with a baseball cap and an oversized tshirt. Also, if you say you are 50 but look 65, I will not respond. And I just don't like soft round faces on men especially with a pouch under the chin. It's just me. I also don't like men smaller than me. Short doesn't matter 5'7" is ok, but be stocky, have some heft. I don't want to be able to blow you away. And no matter how tall, your hips have to be wider than mine (no hard, my hips are narrow).

 

6) Illiterate. All spelling doesn't have to be perfect, but if you spell phonetically it tells me something about you. I'm not a snob, but I have two masters degrees and a LOT of other specialize education. You have to be in my league education wise and professionally. You have to have something to talk about, you have to have something you've done with your life. 30 years on a construction team from when you dropped out of HS isn't going to do it.

 

7) Overtly religious. Or strangely new age.

 

8) Emails that clearly have been sent to every other new women with fill in the blanks.

[Enchanted Girl]

Wow. To me, that sounds extremely picky.

 

The only ways I agree with you is:

 

1. I don't respond to guys who sound like they are going to try to force me to have sex on the first date, although I've talked to several that said sexual things to me in one of our first conversations and forgave them for it as long as they stopped speaking about it when I told them the subject made me uncomfortable because it was too early.

 

To me, men think with their dick sometimes and accidentally blurt things out, but as long as they show restraint and apologize (which most do), when I say I'm not ready for that out of respect for me, then I am okay with that. =)

 

2. I will respond to people I can drive to within a few hours, but not further than that.

 

3. There are some limitations to appearance, but 95% of guys I think are ****able.

 

4. If they just got out of prison or seem dangerous in any way. (I've had people message me like this.)

 

I met a lot of people off of online dating and they were all very interesting people. =) And nice, too! Some were illiterate or fat or religious or old, but they were all still pretty awesome.

Edited April 9, 2011 by Enchanted Girl

[Enchanted Girl]

Oh and I'm sorry, but it's stupid to judge men based on saying,"Hi" or writing generic letters that they send to a bunch of women.

 

Men have a lot of pressure on dating sites since they usually initiate the conversation and get very few replies after messaging a lot of people.

 

At least get to know something about them before writing them off for asking a simple "how are you?"

 

I mean, seriously . . . . if a guy was handsome, a doctor, a romantic, and good in bed, would it really be a deal breaker that he wrote "how are you?" as his first message to you? Would you really say,"Well, I can't be with you because you didn't know how to introduce yourself right"?

 

Give them a break. Seriously. Choose based on compatibility. Find out if they are similar enough to you or not before you write them off.

 

Socially awkward guys are usually more honest anyway. Ones that know what to say right off the bat are more likely to be players.

[orangelady]

So why don't you respond to emails when online dating?

 

I don't respond to:

 

1) "Hi" or "How are you doing?" There has to be something more.

 

2) Sexual content, even subtle sexual content.

 

3) Outside of my area. I don't want a LDR and said so, so don't write me from Milwaukee.

 

4) Too young or old. I have an age range; I'll consider outside by a couple years, but not by much. I'm neither a cougar or a trophy wife.

 

5) Unattractive. I don't mind men up to 250 lbs, but fat--no. I don't like scraggly beards or goatees particularly with a baseball cap and an oversized tshirt. Also, if you say you are 50 but look 65, I will not respond. And I just don't like soft round faces on men especially with a pouch under the chin. It's just me. I also don't like men smaller than me. Short doesn't matter 5'7" is ok, but be stocky, have some heft. I don't want to be able to blow you away. And no matter how tall, your hips have to be wider than mine (no hard, my hips are narrow).

 

6) Illiterate. All spelling doesn't have to be perfect, but if you spell phonetically it tells me something about you. I'm not a snob, but I have two masters degrees and a LOT of other specialize education. You have to be in my league education wise and professionally. You have to have something to talk about, you have to have something you've done with your life. 30 years on a construction team from when you dropped out of HS isn't going to do it.

 

7) Overtly religious. Or strangely new age.

 

8) Emails that clearly have been sent to every other new women with fill in the blanks.

 

Wow you really do have it all figured out. I guess you don't waste time huh. I think you should have included all of that in your profile lol.

[orangelady]

Oh and I'm sorry, but it's stupid to judge men based on saying,"Hi" or writing generic letters that they send to a bunch of women.

 

Men have a lot of pressure on dating sites since they usually initiate the conversation and get very few replies after messaging a lot of people.

 

At least get to know something about them before writing them off for asking a simple "how are you?"

 

I mean, seriously . . . . if a guy was handsome, a doctor, a romantic, and good in bed, would it really be a deal breaker that he wrote "how are you?" as his first message to you? Would you really say,"Well, I can't be with you because you didn't know how to introduce yourself right"?

 

Give them a break. Seriously. Choose based on compatibility. Find out if they are similar enough to you or not before you write them off.

 

Socially awkward guys are usually more honest anyway. Ones that know what to say right off the bat are more likely to be players.

 

 

Yeah, you have a point there. To be honest, even when I write to a guy, I don't want to write a whole essay or paragraph, simply because I know that guys respond to emails *usually* based on the girls' photos. I don't want to write a lengthy message only to find out he is so shallow and not reply. So I usually go with a one liner but it's usually not "how are you". I'd make it interesting and funny but even with that, no success.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't online date but I did think that this was an interesting thread so I'll throw my two cents in for what I would want (and I will steal from your posts! ha ha)

 

I wouldn't respond to:

 

1) "Hi" or "How are you doing?" There has to be something more.

 

2) Blatant sexual content, really depends on tone and use etc. I don't respond to guys who sound like they are going to try to force me to have sex on the first date.

 

3) Outside of my area.

 

4) Too young or old. I am 28, my range would be: 21 to 42. There would have to be something about the guy at either end of the age range that really set them apart. I would most likely go for 24-35.

 

5) Unattractive. I don't like scraggly beards or goatees particularly with a baseball cap and an oversized tshirt. I love like soft round faces on men!

I love guys with a real work-hard appearance, but not all substance-abuse looking. I like guys who aren't exactly perfectly fit, a guy that has a lot of upper body strength but no washboard abs etc, just kinda soft. I like somewhat rougher hands and a five o'clock shadow. It just says "yes, I have testosterone!"

 

6) Illiterate. Spelling! If you spell phonetically it tells me something about you. If you can't run something through spellcheck for a prospective partner, then we probably don't value communication in the same ways.

 

7) Emails that clearly have been sent to every other new women with fill in the blanks.This is so lame.

 

8) I don't care what your career or financial level is as long as you are stable and take care of yourself in a sustainable way!

 

9) If you have had multiple divorces, don't bother. Too much baggage. If you have more then two kids, too much baggage for me to handle.

 

10) If they just got out of prison or seem dangerous in any way. (I've had people message me like this.)

 

11)Someone who enjoys learning new things that may be outside of their comfort zone but that we could take an interest in together.

 

I would just want to find someone who is good company and enjoys talking about the daily stuff in life. And someone who likes to cuddle.

 

But those are my preferences.

[delforce]

Yeah, I would love to hear more on why some women don't respond. So far, in this thread, it seems like I don't fall into one of the items on lists of why a woman won't respond. For me, I really think its race. I'm a black guy. On some profiles, some women will explicitly say 'white men' only. Fair enough. But not many do. So I guess my question to some of you is if race falls somewhere in your list of why you do not respond.

[Intricategirl]

I agree *mostly* with your list, Marly. We've got different standards on what is considered "attractive" but yeah, I want a guy that doesn't repulse me. And though I agree he needs to be literate, I don't necessarily need a degree. I've dated a blue collar, no degree guy who could hold a conversation about the details of a computer virus that interrupted and caused physical harm to Iran's nuclear program and the causes and implications of it. I've also dated a PhD that only wanted to talk about heavy metal.

 

Oh and I'm sorry, but it's stupid to judge men based on saying,"Hi" or writing generic letters that they send to a bunch of women.

 

Men have a lot of pressure on dating sites since they usually initiate the conversation and get very few replies after messaging a lot of people.

 

At least get to know something about them before writing them off for asking a simple "how are you?"

 

I mean, seriously . . . . if a guy was handsome, a doctor, a romantic, and good in bed, would it really be a deal breaker that he wrote "how are you?" as his first message to you? Would you really say,"Well, I can't be with you because you didn't know how to introduce yourself right"?

 

Give them a break. Seriously. Choose based on compatibility. Find out if they are similar enough to you or not before you write them off.

 

Socially awkward guys are usually more honest anyway. Ones that know what to say right off the bat are more likely to be players.

 

If she's anything like me, she IS choosing on compatibility. One of the guys I'm talking to right now is really hot, has a good job, very physically fit, enjoys some of the same hobbies, and is a HORRIBLE conversationalist. I have a monthly event where I hang out with a big group of friends. If I took him, he'd last five minutes before finding a corner to pout in for the rest of the evening. And I know this based on the shy people in the group. We have big personalities, we get loud, and we aren't afraid to jump right into a conversation with people we don't know. He would not mesh well with my friends, and for a LTR, that's a no-go for me.

 

Besides, my profile is a list of 25 (narrowed down from 35) facts about me that talk about the kind of stuff I'm into. If he can't pick a single thing from the list that he thinks we have in common, how do I know what we have in common?! Those same guys tend to be the "I enjoy outdoor stuff and a good movie. If you want to know anything, just ask." kind of guys. Well, okay... So you like unspecified outdoor stuff, should I blather on about kayaking or mountain biking? And you enjoy movies. Fantastic... comedy, drama, horror?? And I would like to know something. Mainly, whether or not there's a personality. Give me ANYTHING to work with it and I will. But these, "Hey, I don't know what to talk about and I don't know who I am, but gosh you're pretty guys" do not get my attention at all.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah, I would love to hear more on why some women don't respond. So far, in this thread, it seems like I don't fall into one of the items on lists of why a woman won't respond. For me, I really think its race. I'm a black guy. On some profiles, some women will explicitly say 'white men' only. Fair enough. But not many do. So I guess my question to some of you is if race falls somewhere in your list of why you do not respond.

 

I would guess that many women are pursued far more heavily then men online.

 

I don't know much about it though. As well if you are in a certain area your race may play a role in it. Up here in Canada it really doesn't seem significant (I know loads of inter-racial couples etc) but I know in the States there are certain attitudes and risks from dating outside your race in certain places (unless I just have this completely wrong).

 

Could that be part of it?

[MarlyStar]

... I would like to know something. Mainly, whether or not there's a personality. Give me ANYTHING to work with it and I will. But these, "Hey, I don't know what to talk about and I don't know who I am, but gosh you're pretty guys" do not get my attention at all.

 

Righto.

 

So they write, "Hi." Fine.

 

I write back. "Hi." And I never hear from them again. Am I to carry the relationship? Do all the work? Do I have to drag word two and three and four out of him? Can we work up to a whole sentence? No thank you. Relationships are reciprocal. They have to put something into it.

 

If you aren't good at email conversation, and I sympathize because I'm not, then say so and suggest a meeting. That way I can see your mischievious smile and the twinkle in your eye.

 

"How are you."

 

"Fine, how are you."

 

His turn...guess what? They don't write back.

 

 

 

As for the degree...

 

A degree is not necessary. My first husband didn't have a degree, but he had a profession, and later taught himself computers and worked himself up to the top computer guy of a major auto company. He DID something. He made something of himself. Another guy once or twice I dated also had no degrees, did 20 years in the military rising in the ranks, got out and became a high level executive for another company you've all heard of. A degree isn't necessary but having DONE something, DOING something is, having made something of yourself is.

[Sivok]

No matter how good her message is, if I don't find her attractive I'm not responding. It's all visual for me, dates are for figuring out the rest.

[MarlyStar]

I mean, seriously . . . . if a guy was handsome, a doctor, a romantic, and good in bed, would it really be a deal breaker that he wrote "how are you?" as his first message to you? Would you really say,"Well, I can't be with you because you didn't know how to introduce yourself right"?

 

Well I've had a pilot, a yacht broker, and a professor write me with just a 'hi'. They all made over $100K, and were okay looking.

 

I have no idea if they were good in bed, but they didn't seem romantic (altho that's not high on my list) but it doesn't seem likely since they could only choke out a "hi".

[Leeway Harris]

When I was doing the OkCupid thing, I got very, very few first contacts from women. Of the ones I did, I usually didn't respond to the ones that only said "hi how's it going" either. Because frankly, I kind of resented it. I put a decent amount of effort into all my first contact emails, for such meager results. And here's somebody who just fires off a "hi how's it going," maybe hasn't even read my profile, and I'm supposed to reward her for that? Maybe that's immature, but that's how I felt.

 

If I could tell from the pictures there would be no physical attraction at all, I wouldn't always respond. But that's a subjective thing. You can't really quantify attraction objectively.

 

Oh, and the ones that scream "FAKE!" Like a way-too-hot woman who writes a decent, yet suspiciously vague paragraph, and has a suspiciously vague profile as well. After writing a few of these back, I learned to identify the bots.

 

But other than that, I responded. No discrimination based on education, location, ethnicity, religion, lack of religion, or any of the other criteria people use to narrow down the field.

[Hules]

I generally write very personalised, fun messages to the girls I'm interested in (even as the the opening message) generally I have a very high response rate, as I only message girls who I think I would get along with in terms of personality.

 

There are a few things that would stop me from replying.

 

1) Drug user, Smoker. Absolute deal breaker, so theres no point even trying to get to know them. Waste of their time and mine.

 

2) Finding out that a girl is listed as "single", then having her tell me she just broke up with her boyfriend 2-3 weeks ago. I don't care if shes the most amazing girl ever, I have no interest in been a rebound.

 

3) Girls who talk "lyke dis 4 realz, yo!".

 

4) Girls from other cities (remember I'm from Australia, distance between cities is massive! not interested in a LDR).

 

5) I take the time to write personalized messages, I expect the same in return or I will just assume they are not interested (which is fine).

 

6) Girls that play games (especially playing hard to get), nothing will kill off my interest faster. I'm looking for someone to have a open, honest relationship with, stupid power games are immature at best.

 

Actually had one girl who I was having a good rapport with suddenly give me the cold shoulder, so I assumed she wasn't interested and moved on. Two weeks later I get a message from her saying "Sorry I didn't reply to your last message but I've been super busy, besides its your fault for not trying to stay in contact with me :rolleyes:". Super yawn fest needless to say I did not respond to that.

 

7)Gold diggers (don't think I really need to elaborate on this one).

 

8) Outside my age range.

 

9) Needs to be able to engage/enjoy intellectual conversation. Mental stimulation is very important to me and honestly get bored of been with someone who couldn't stimulate me mentally.

 

10) I have to find you physically attractive. By that I mean as long as you not obese or grossly deformed then I can often overlook things that girls often think make them unattractive (and in most cases are not grounded in reality). I can especially look over things if you have a great personality.

 

11) Needs to have goals/aspirations/passionate about something (anything!).

 

Thats all I can think of for now, yeah you can call me picky as hell but at least I know what I want. I'm also not desperate for a relationship and will not settle for less just so I can be in one.

Edited April 9, 2011 by Hules

[dreamingoftigers]

Drugs, smoking and drinking is out of the question for me too.

[Leeway Harris]

But other than that, I responded. No discrimination based on education, location, ethnicity, religion, lack of religion, or any of the other criteria people use to narrow down the field.

Let me amend what I said. You guys reminded me of smoking. If I had gotten any messages from women who were regular smokers, I wouldn't have responded to them. So I guess that's a dealbreaker for me.

[sumdude]

Let me amend what I said. You guys reminded me of smoking. If I had gotten any messages from women who were regular smokers, I wouldn't have responded to them. So I guess that's a dealbreaker for me.

 

I've learned not to take online profiles too seriously sometimes. People will minimize their perceived negatives and fudge on the positives. Almost every man under 6 ft adds an inch or two (or more) to height. Creative photo angles hiding the torso. Photos of someone who is 40 from ten years ago. As far as the smokers thing. I for one am a smoker and put that in my profile. You can read between the lines on some. Anyone who puts 'sometimes' or 'no answer' you can assume is a smoker. I also know one women IRL whose profile pops up in my matches a lot. Say 'no way' to her smoking and same for a potential match. Yet when I do see her out at a pub etc she usually ends up out back for a smoke or two. LOL

 

The main reason someone doesn't respond is simple attraction. If a guy is as attractive as a Brad Pitt or woman looks like Angelina Jolie poeple will look past all sorts of possible incompatibilities.

Edited April 9, 2011 by sumdude

[Mrlonelyone]

I am souring on the online dating thing myself.

 

As for my own deal breakers I will not respond to an obese woman. A woman who has "a few extra pounds" I will respond to. However I can't check that box in the search because an obese woman will call themselves "a few extra pounds". I just can't see why I should settle for that when I take good care of my own fitness level.

 

I also will not date someone who does not have a college degree... even an associates will do. Highschool has become a joke in this day and age and I need someone who has a couple marbles in their head.

 

Also there is what sumdude said. For online dating more than real life dating it comes down to being attractive (in pictures). Attractive pictures will get you interest no matter what you write. I have seen women who put ZERO effort into their profiles on OKC who "respond selectively" to messages. Basically just their pictures bring in all their interest. For a pretty face people will generally put up with allot of BS.

[OliveOyl]

Here is an excerpt from a real online profile. Call me picky, but this is a superb example of what I would never respond to:

 

family is very important to my , ,well i have had a reallity check on here, it appears all woman are looking for the perfect guy ,if you can look past a few blemmishes ,we all have something ,well then look me up this is who i am ,im not looking for barbie,just a friend to walk beside me,im having some dental work done, i dont have the greatest smile but im working on it ,but thats not all who i am ,im a simple guy looking for a simple gal, have a great day

 

In general, bad spelling and grammar is a major turn-off for me. I know in the scheme of things it shouldn't be important, but it is. I went to a very reputable university and while I don't require a college education, general literacy as well as intelligence is important to me. I know I would prefer someone who was average looking but very intelligent to someone who was very good looking but not intelligent.

 

I'm going out on date #2 tonight with Groovy Guy, and while he seems nice, among other odd quirks, he's a very bad speller and that has me questioning things. For example, "musition" instead of "musician." But I will give it a chance anyway and try to enjoy myself.

Edited April 9, 2011 by OliveOyl

[TuffCookieX]

Firstly, I observe pictures. I'm very picky with personal appearance, and I'm not going to bother wasting someone's time who I'm not physically attracted to. If he's under 5'8", he better breathtaking to look at. Anyone hate how shallow I am yet?

 

If I get past the good looks part, I continue onto the profile. I don't really judge on description, but I do notice bad spelling and grammar and take that into account, as well as education level. I have my bachelor's, I'd prefer someone I'm dating to have at least attempted college to an extent.

 

So pretty much looks and smarts. I don't judge income, because I make enough money to fully support myself, but I would prefer to not have to support my man, for obvious reasons.

[Thedude22]

Ugos, retards, jesus freaks and girls who have no personality. If anything in your profile/message screams that. NEXT.

 

Girls get very complacent on those sites. They think just because they have a vagina I will be absolutely enamored with "Hey" or "Hi how are you".

[Imajerk17]

I generally write very personalised, fun messages to the girls I'm interested in (even as the the opening message) generally I have a very high response rate, as I only message girls who I think I would get along with in terms of personality.

 

There are a few things that would stop me from replying.

 

1) Drug user, Smoker. Absolute deal breaker, so theres no point even trying to get to know them. Waste of their time and mine.

 

2) Finding out that a girl is listed as "single", then having her tell me she just broke up with her boyfriend 2-3 weeks ago. I don't care if shes the most amazing girl ever, I have no interest in been a rebound.

 

3) Girls who talk "lyke dis 4 realz, yo!".

 

4) Girls from other cities (remember I'm from Australia, distance between cities is massive! not interested in a LDR).

 

5) I take the time to write personalized messages, I expect the same in return or I will just assume they are not interested (which is fine).

 

6) Girls that play games (especially playing hard to get), nothing will kill off my interest faster. I'm looking for someone to have a open, honest relationship with, stupid power games are immature at best.

 

Actually had one girl who I was having a good rapport with suddenly give me the cold shoulder, so I assumed she wasn't interested and moved on. Two weeks later I get a message from her saying "Sorry I didn't reply to your last message but I've been super busy, besides its your fault for not trying to stay in contact with me :rolleyes:". Super yawn fest needless to say I did not respond to that.

 

7)Gold diggers (don't think I really need to elaborate on this one).

 

8) Outside my age range.

 

9) Needs to be able to engage/enjoy intellectual conversation. Mental stimulation is very important to me and honestly get bored of been with someone who couldn't stimulate me mentally.

 

10) I have to find you physically attractive. By that I mean as long as you not obese or grossly deformed then I can often overlook things that girls often think make them unattractive (and in most cases are not grounded in reality). I can especially look over things if you have a great personality.

 

11) Needs to have goals/aspirations/passionate about something (anything!).

 

Thats all I can think of for now, yeah you can call me picky as hell but at least I know what I want. I'm also not desperate for a relationship and will not settle for less just so I can be in one.

 

Really good list.

[Imajerk17]

My list, for better or worse:

 

(1) I need to find the girl physically attractive. At least an 8 out of 10 when it comes to what I find personally to be good-looking.

 

 

(2) No kids, and NOT separated (or married!) on her profile. I'm just not compatible with anyone who doesn't fit these criteria.

 

 

(3) Some basic smarts/professional ambition. I don't need a college degree, but I'd like to know that she wants to do something worthwhile with her life beyond getting married and having kids. I'll pick up her basic smarts from how she write her profile--complete sentences, spelling, well-developed paragraphs, and so on.

 

 

(4) Not too many "red flags". An example of a "red flag" would be

 

--her complaining about how she is always dating losers and psychos (it's either poor judgement or a love of drama on her part)

 

--pictures of her getting "too friendly" with another guy(s) (bad if it is an ex, worse if it is a friend she has always had a thing for = too much drama = no thanks)

 

 

(5) A decently-written email.

 

 

That said, I'm not looking for a Pulitzer-prize winning writer or photojournalist. I'm pretty good at getting past the usual online-dating cliches and whatnot.

Edited April 10, 2011 by Imajerk17

[oaks]

So why don't you respond to emails when online dating?

 

I'm a guy so I don't get many unsolicited emails... but basically it needs to come from someone who I think looks attractive in her photos and is within the age range that I'm looking for.

 

If it's a well-written email and I don't find her attractive then I'll also reply with a polite rejection (it's not like I get so many that I don't have time to be polite to people who took time to write a proper email) but if it was just "hi how are you?" then I don't always bother.

[PinkInTheLimo]

So why don't you respond to emails when online dating?

 

I don't respond to:

 

1) "Hi" or "How are you doing?" There has to be something more.

 

2) Sexual content, even subtle sexual content.

 

3) Outside of my area. I don't want a LDR and said so, so don't write me from Milwaukee.

 

4) Too young or old. I have an age range; I'll consider outside by a couple years, but not by much. I'm neither a cougar or a trophy wife.

 

5) Unattractive. I don't mind men up to 250 lbs, but fat--no. I don't like scraggly beards or goatees particularly with a baseball cap and an oversized tshirt. Also, if you say you are 50 but look 65, I will not respond. And I just don't like soft round faces on men especially with a pouch under the chin. It's just me. I also don't like men smaller than me. Short doesn't matter 5'7" is ok, but be stocky, have some heft. I don't want to be able to blow you away. And no matter how tall, your hips have to be wider than mine (no hard, my hips are narrow).

 

6) Illiterate. All spelling doesn't have to be perfect, but if you spell phonetically it tells me something about you. I'm not a snob, but I have two masters degrees and a LOT of other specialize education. You have to be in my league education wise and professionally. You have to have something to talk about, you have to have something you've done with your life. 30 years on a construction team from when you dropped out of HS isn't going to do it.

 

7) Overtly religious. Or strangely new age.

 

8) Emails that clearly have been sent to every other new women with fill in the blanks.

 

Totally agree, these are also more or less my criteria.

 

Concerning 5: "I don't want to be able to blow you away." That's a good way of putting it. I recently had a really nice date with a guy who was a couple of centimeters taller than me. Absolutely no problem for me, only he looked so thin. And I am thin myself so I definitely don't want to have a man who is as thin as myself, I want to crawl in a man's arms from time to time. I like a bit of volume on a man.