Mrlonelyone Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 In all my dating with men or women I seem to attract drama queens. Boyfriends who are narcissistic to the edge of having a diagnosable personality disorder. Girlfriends who overdramatic and histrionic to an almost incorrigible degree. I know I am not perfect. I have a degree of confidence that comes across, online, as arrogance. In real life that seems to intimidate some people. I wonder if that somehow biases who I end up with? Perhaps only people with a high opinion of themselves will not be scared off? Problems often arise when they take my friendliness for granted. Like I am a doormat... then they find this mat is made of nails. (A non romantic relationship that went that way was with my last roommate. They were a diagnosed bipolar manic depressive with panic attacks. Worked as a drag queen. I ended up having to evict them and getting a restraining order aquatints them. Funny thing is they ended up thanking me for it last year. No one had ever called them on their bs.) knowing this what can I do?
betterdeal Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 They bounce around all over the place into all sorts of people. You just happen to be one of the people that doesn't shut them out instantly. With better skills at handling their incursions across your boundaries, you may end up settling with one that calms down and is able and willing to change, and thus grow a healthy relationship with you.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 Your probably right. I have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt. Some take that kindness for a weakness. They only seem to do that after I have fully gotten over them which is after they made the mistake of trying to step on this doormat....and gotten a nail to the foot. I guess what I need is someone who's both got the confidence in them self and where they are in their life.... and the maturity not to let their position go to their head. My ex roomate for example more or less had to go all Charlie Sheen on everyone around them. Almost totally loosing their career in the process...before calming the heck down.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Stop seeking people with said disorders. If you think you're following a pattern, figure out why it is you do and then compile a list of traits you'll avoid. I have a history of dating unavailable men and after much self-reflection I realized it's a self-destructive way of seeking committmentphobes because I, myself, am one.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 That sounds like a pretty good idea. The problem is it's as much the people who respond to my advances as the people I seek out. I don't go looking for a narcicist, or histrionic. It's just the people I seek out have turned out to be one or the other to some degree. There may not be any other way to deal with this like you said papercut.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 That sounds like a pretty good idea. The problem is it's as much the people who respond to my advances as the people I seek out. I don't go looking for a narcicist, or histrionic. It's just the people I seek out have turned out to be one or the other to some degree. There may not be any other way to deal with this like you said papercut. Narcissists and histrionics have telltale signs no matter how they try to hide it; your attraction to them shouldn't cloud your radar from going off. Think back to your last few dates and relationships. If you can recount several instances where someone is acting a certain way which makes you question them, you can use that same telltale sign for future dates and relationships. Apply what you know for the future only this time, avoid them when they become clear to you.
Intricategirl Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 What Papercut is saying is true. You are the common denominator in these circumstances. Natalie at BaggageReclaim (an excellent site) has said before that if you keep falling for emotionally unavailable people, it's because you're scared of getting emotionally involved, so you seek out people who provide that, and you can always blame them (paraphrasing, of course). It's true of a lot of patterns. And I'll admit to doing it. I dated dudes that couldn't get serious, one after another, because I wasn't ready to get serious again. I wanted to play. But I also wanted to feel like I was ready to get serious. So by dating them, it was easy to put all the blame on them. "It didn't work out because he couldn't get serious about me." True, but I went out with him. In the end, even if they are the ones attracted to you, you keep dating them because something about it is attractive to you.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 I agree with intricate. You're the common denominator here. Something needs to change. Either you're drawn to these "drama queens," or you're one yourself and they're drawn to you.
betterdeal Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 The problem is it's as much the people who respond to my advances as the people I seek out. I don't go looking for a narcicist, or histrionic. It's just the people I seek out have turned out to be one or the other to some degree. Almost everyone is cut from the same mould i.e. there are very few people who have hard-wired mental disorders. We meet people in the same place as us (quite literally, but also that tends to coincide with our emotional, physical etc states). We all have to start from where we are. However, we can all try new things to get to somewhere else. Applied to you, you can change the way you interact with someone and that may well change the way the relationship progresses. To start with, if you can stop seeing them as X Y or Z label and accept that you both contribute, can both change, can both learn, you'll have taken a step towards a different way of doing and seeing things. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Change what you can. See if it works for you.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 I know I am the common denominator I have to make some kind of a change. I don't think the issue is that I am a drama queen, narcissistic or histrionic myself. From what I read such people need to be the center of attention or to be praised. I really could give a damm about praise or attention. In fact there are times I think I would be happiest living as a hermit. So perhaps I am the opposite of such a person to some extent. Like with my last roomate, people called us the odd couple because we were so polar opposite different. I may keep falling in with these kind of people because we full fill some kind of a need the other has. What I think they give me is emotional stimulation. Since I am a more logical person and steady ... perhaps I am attracted to their ups and downs. While they are attracted to my steady more or less even keel. The old opposite attracts thing. Opposites not getting along or having bad communication due to different communication styles etc. I really hope this person I just met of OKC isn't like that. She's a pastor at a church of all things. I hate to stereotype but it's just possible, based on her career that she is another such person. We'll see.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 I may keep falling in with these kind of people because we full fill some kind of a need the other has. What I think they give me is emotional stimulation. Since I am a more logical person and steady ... perhaps I am attracted to their ups and downs. While they are attracted to my steady more or less even keel. The old opposite attracts thing. Opposites not getting along or having bad communication due to different communication styles etc. I really hope this person I just met of OKC isn't like that. She's a pastor at a church of all things. I hate to stereotype but it's just possible, based on her career that she is another such person. We'll see. I think this is good progress. Some people are attracted to the emotional dramas of others simply because other's problems provide an emotional thrill. Like housewives watching soap operas. Proceed to ask yourself why you want to involve yourself in other's ups and downs.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 Well it's not something I "want". It's an unconscious thing. I am a firm believer that we can't choose who we are attracted to. We are attracted to people on a deeper emotional level.... As Dr. House put it. We talk to eachothers cerebral cortex which thinks and analyses things. While love and attraction and sex come from the lower brain and those parts don't respond to logic. I have been in relationships of all types where my logical brain knew it was a bad situation but my emotional brain could not let go. No matter how much I logically knew it was a bad fit and a situation with no long term hope...the emotional part still wanted to try. So while I live a very computational, logical life style...I am in the end as ruled by my emotions as anyone. Perhaps what I need is a balance. A partner who has been introspective enough to realize that they "bounce around" emotionally. Yet that same person knows to apply their logical brain. While I also know when to disengage from such a person and let them bounce... All while not needing to cut ties.
DollyGirl12 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 I'm not sure if narcissistic/sociopathic people can be spotted immediately. But, when you look back you can usually see the signs. They tend to be very charming. When you can get one of these personality types to go to a therapist, many times they are able to pull the wool over their eyes, but only for a certain period of time. I think the best approach is to just go slow and really get to know someone before jumping right in. I have also made the mistake of falling for someone who was very narcissistic. For certain a pathological liar, and I know for certain many of the lies he told. Some of them just didn't even make sense and weren't needed. A lesson learned for me!
DollyGirl12 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 They bounce around all over the place into all sorts of people. You just happen to be one of the people that doesn't shut them out instantly. With better skills at handling their incursions across your boundaries, you may end up settling with one that calms down and is able and willing to change, and thus grow a healthy relationship with you. Exactly, you may be fooled for a while, but again go slow. And when you see the first signs shut them out.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 9, 2011 Author Posted April 9, 2011 For certain a pathological liar, and I know for certain many of the lies he told. Some of them just didn't even make sense and weren't needed. A lesson learned for me! Nothings worse in a relationship than someone who lies for no good reason. I can honestly say I could forgive a serious betrayal sooner than a series of 100 stupid little lies. I would not label the people I have dealt with in the past "sociopaths" though. It's more a matter of personality type. They generally aren't pathological. Even the roomate I had to take a restraining order out against was at their base a good person. (They were and are in treatment for the problems they have. The bad ones deny there is a problem.) I am a ENTP who attracts people who are ESFJ or ESFP. Perhaps I need to do the opposite and look for an ISFJ?
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