nothappyjan Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 Hey Guys, sorry if my post is long or makes no sense i just want to get my feelings down. Soo 7 weeks on i have run through so many emotions i'm doubting my sanity. I can laugh, cry, despair, be happy, be hopeful, be worried, be scared and be relieved all within a 5 minute timeframe. I just got home from the movies with a friend and checked my phone and realised that our anniversary is here! I knew it was coming but had forgotten for a couple of days but then i saw the big 10 on the calendar and I thought i'll reflect instead of crying. Sometimes i will listen to songs that remind me of him and us just to feel the pain, it's almost healing sometimes. It's amazing how a song can make you feel like your heart is breaking. The memories do slowly get less painful daily though. I have become very introspective and am constantly analysing what to do next, what i want from life and it changes all the time. Sometimes i enjoy being single but most of the time i feel lonely and a little bit lost. The problem is my relationship was all a lie as he never really loved me so i think next time all i want in a relationship is to be really truly LOVED. I want someone to think i'm amazing and beautiful and have someone feel their life is happier because i'm in it. I don't care about anything else i just need love. Nothing is more painful than emotional indifference and that's all i ever get offered. I realised this relationship was the only time i was truly myself with another person so it hurts more to be rejected for the real me. I am so scared to date again. I feel like meeting a new man would be so scary as they are a stranger and we'd have to start again and i'm scared of trusting, scared of being hurt and scared of once again it not working out and having to go through this again. Before this breakup i was an eternal optimist and believed that people spoke the truth and i would one day meet a great man but now my belief has been shaken so deeply i don't know if i can let someone in and i find myself wanting to date multiple people just as a distraction so that i can just rotate through the guys and when they leave i'll have others as back-ups. I'm the opposite to the old me now i dont want to know their friends or family, share anything with them or determine a real r/ship or exclusivity and god knows i will never have my r/ship status on fb again! I am healed enough to see this breakup was for the best but it would have been nice if he felt remorse for it and wanted me back. It hurts knowing i was cut off and his life is unchanged as he had no emotions invested in me. I've learnt so much about myself and i feel so different. It Literally feels like the entire foundation of my life was rocked and nothing is the same. This experience has certainly changed me but i know that I will be okay. I really will survive this and I know one day I wont hurt at all and it will be erased from my memory. Gotta love the human capacity to forget our greatest pains. One day i will stand at my wedding with a man who loves me and i need to foster that belief to make it happen. Until then wish me the strength to survive this crazy time and may the world one day, suddenly as it started, stop shaking. Love & Hugs
Denillad Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 (edited) Your ramblings have given me a mini boost in this very difficult time. I too realized that my first love at of 4 years wasn't a honest and deserving person. He start a relationship just as we broke up but Ive now found out 2 yrs after,that he went out with her beforE we broke. I saw a photo of the two uploaded on facebook months before we split but denied it in the past. I have come to realize that he also was with for the wrong reason. It's blessing to have him out of my life but it hurts because I truly loved n trusted this man. He left n never looked back while forcing friendship m fwb on me but I accepted it cause it was the only way to have him in my life. I hope to one find that person we both seek. Love is best when it's pure n unconditional and would like to find that one day. For now I have to focus on healing cause Ive lost so much of myself in this all. Ur words are encouraging. Good luck! Edited April 10, 2011 by Denillad
Author nothappyjan Posted April 10, 2011 Author Posted April 10, 2011 Thanks Denillad. Good luck to you too! Here is hoping we both recover soon
BeginAgain Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 Sometimes i will listen to songs that remind me of him and us just to feel the pain, it's almost healing sometimes. I believe that is called katharsis.
Author nothappyjan Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 I had finally gone a few nights without having nightmares about him and have actually planned a date for the weekend with a nice guy who actually calls me!!! I also have another guying calling me and feel in a good place emotionally. I am ready to start to see people casually to distract me. Then. last night at 12:30 at night...on a work night I get a text from the ex after nc for bout 6 weeks and it is a super long message normallly the most he's ever said is 3 words. It was all about me finding love one day and being positive and more about how great I was and how he wants to be friends and it really PISSED ME OFF It was like the breakup speech again out of nowhere when i was moving on and making progress and it was so patronising with his 'think positive' comments considering he doesnt know anything about what i'm doing so how does he know if i'm being positive and it's just annoying when he messages saying how great I am as its frustrating to not know why i was dumped. Then i start to get angry and get filled with the negative emotions it took me months to get rid off. It's just so crazy how they KNOW you are in a good place and want to piss you off. End rant
Duckduckgoose Posted April 13, 2011 Posted April 13, 2011 All I got to say about the ex texting you and pissing you off is: Cockroaches hide in the strangest of places and only pop out when you least expect them.
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